Monday, September 13, 2004

At the library this morning, I was perusing an issue of Mad Magazine that was lying transiently on the table and I came across a story called The 50 Worst Things About Comedy or something like that. #1 was Mad Magazine, which I guess was meant to be ironic, and might have been, if not for the complete and total void of irony. #5 or 6 was some half-hearted dis of Tough Crowd, citing D-list comedians and how they aren't funny. Alongside the quip was a characature drawing of Jim Norton and some token black guy that looked like a cross between Patrice O'Neal and Keith Robinson. Jim, Patrice and Keith are three of the funniest people I've ever come across, in addition to being totally loud and obnoxious. Their worst jokes take a hard shit on the funniest piece Mad ever wrote.

I was invited to submit to Mad a few years ago and I never did, because I didn't want to have to censor the funny out of anything I submitted, which seems like a prerequisite for anything they print. I've seen one or two things over the past, oh, say 15 years that made me crack a smirk, but even at age 12 I knew the magazine was for gay dorks and jewish kids at camp.

Take that, Mad!

On my comment board yesterday, someone named Jess W. commented that "Maybe my sister would think differently if she saw CXB's giant penis." In addition to being a dumb comment because a) CXB's penis is not giant, b) why would my sister care about that? and c) How would Jess W know about my boyfriend's penis? Well, the comment rubbed me the wrong way, because I couldn't figure out why someone would write that unless they were totally joking, or did know about the size of my bf's dick. I did some thinking, and realized she WOULD know, because she is Chris's ex-flavor of the month, who was known around these parts as Hot Nerd, until she moved to New Hampshire or somewhere to have a baby. (By the way, I saw several photos of her, and I think they should have called her "just okay looking nerd", but I'm sure any guy would disagree because men like all chicks.) So, this is an open letter to all of Christopher's ex-things. (There are many of them.)

Dear Christopher's ex-whatever you are:

I don't like you. Probably the most poignant reason that I don't like you is because Chris tortured me with photos and stories of you for months. I know every detail of your relationship with Chris, I know what it was like the first time you had sex, I know things you used to do and say to him. I've seen pictures of you, some naked, and you're not as hot as me. I don't care if you come and visit my website and read my stories and even comment on the boards. I am guessing you are probably only here to revisit the old days to some extent (lame), to find out what your loveable old ex is up to (vicariously through me), and to try to compare yourself to me to see who's better (I am) . If you'd like to read the site and post comments, that is fine, but please keep in mind: I don't like you. Even though I don't like you, I admire the fact that you find my blog interesting or useful, for whatever reason. That, to me, is a sign that you probably aren't a complete and total shithead, though you are probably still somewhat mostly a shithead. Please feel free to come back and visit, read the stories, and comment when you feel it is appropriate. However, I'd really appreciate it if you don't post comments regarding elements of your or my relationship with Chris, for example, where you'd fancy we might share a laugh about the size of my bf's dick. The only thing we have in common is his dick, and that's where it ends. I don't want to be your friend and I don't think you are witty. Stay out of my relationship with Chris. If you want to write stuff about Chris's dick, I recommend you start your own blog. Otherwise, I'm going to attack you verbally and harshly, for all the world to read.


END NOTE: I know several of Chris's ex things and ex girlfriends, and several of them I find to be very delightful. For example, I love Claudia, Reverend Jen, I like Simone alright, I think Marianne is interesting even though I'm certain she's probably mostly insane, I like a few select others also. So, this isn't about me being super jealous or anything like that. It's more about couth and manners. I think the entire world has extremely bad manners, and Jess W's comment was a good example of bad manners. If you want to talk to me about Chris, why not start by trying to make a connection with me? I talk openly with Rev Jen and Claudia and others about their old relationships with Chris, and I find it to be interesting and insightful, usually, not hurtful or bothersome. The reason why is because they are my friends and they care about me. We've come to develop our own relationships.

So, world, get some manners. And if you're an ex of Chris, leave me alone.

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