Saturday, October 9, 2004

My Submission: How I Lowered My Cholesterol
*As part of the Honey Nut Cheerio's 2004 Healthy Heart Writing Contest
by Dick Cheney

I am writing this story as part of the National Honey Nut Cheerios “How I Lowered My Cholesterol” Writing Contest.

I’d like to start out by saying, I’m not much of a writer. I don’t really have time to write stories, I’m often quite busy thinking about things that need to be done in the White House. I spend countless hours thinking, “What can I do to fix America?” Sometimes I spend entire days contemplating the issues that face us as a nation. But when I’m not overwhelmed giving serious thought to the pressing dilemmas that confront the people of this country, I like to play golf. And when I’m not doing that, I have free time to do things just for me, like enter this writing contest.

I am not a big contest winner. I never really win anything. Sure, I won the seat as the Vice President of America, which is simply proof that if you think about things a lot and go to a good school, you too can become the Vice President of the United States of this great country. I remember one time when I was much younger, in my 50s or 60s, I guess, I found a roll of hundred dollar bills in a jacket pocket, but that wasn’t really a contest, it was more just me putting on a jacket. And, the money was mine already, so it wasn’t even really a prize. But it felt like I’d won a prize. Not the money. Money isn’t a prize to me. I have so much money that to me, finding a roll of hundreds in a jacket pocket might be like a regular American finding a crumpled up snot rag. No, that’s not right, it’s probably more like finding a match book with the phone number of a person you met at a bar who’s companionship you might like to buy for an hour, but you also thought that they might be a little crazy, you know, crazy in a way that could come back to haunt you through the press, so you weren’t sure. The fact that I found something in my pocket at all was the part that was like winning something. It wasn’t the fact that I found a roll of hundreds, I have so many millions of dollars that honestly, a roll of hundreds to me is like a book someone gave me for my birthday. I might get around to it, but I’ll probably die first.

Anyway, as most of America probably knows, I had very high cholesterol and some heart problems stemming from high cholesterol. People say that the rich have it easy, but trust me, the rich have it even harder sometimes. Having total access to anything you want is a curse. I have eaten a steak dinner every single day since the day I was born. What choice

did I have? I didn’t ask my parents to make me be rich and eat steak every day. That choice was decided for me by God. I ate steak for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day for close to 60 years. Finally, my heart simply exploded. I was taken to the hospital by some people who are paid to take me places. The kind men at the hospital operated on me. If I hadn’t been rich, I don’t know what I would have done. My heart exploding should have killed me, but it didn’t. When I woke up alive and healthy again, the bill for the operation might have really killed me for real, had I not been as rich as God, which I do happen to be. On a side note, actually, NASA, who’s run by an old buddy of mine from college – you know NASA, right? They are in charge of doing stuff with outer space? Well, the guy in charge over there, we gave them a few billion dollars to get some “work” “done”, wink wink, nudge nudge, and one of the experiments they did was to find out who was richer, me or God. And it turns out that God is richer, but only by a small number, and if my projected investments and various crooked scams work out, which they will, because they have every single other time, I will die richer than God. How many men can say that? Not many. Not many at all. But the men who can say that – I know them all personally.

Now, some people, like the people who wrote the bible, say, “It’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to pass into heaven.” I disagree. It’s hard for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, if not impossibly impassible, and rich men can get into heaven, especially if they happen to play golf with a certain Mr. Jesus H. Christ. Which I do.

But enough about money, why does it always come back around to that? I was talking about my heart and how I lowered my cholesterol. I guess I’m supposed to mention something about Honey Nut Cheerios too, like how I ate a bowl every day or something, or how I own the company, which I don’t, but I easily could with one phone call. But the truth is, I didn’t really use Honey Nut Cheerios to lower my cholesterol, I used American dollars, and plenty of them. But while I’m on the topic, I’ll tell you this: Honey Nut Cheerios are good. I’m pretty sure I have had them. Maybe in college, during my slummin’ it dorm days. Believe it or not, I ate ramen noodles! They were these very expensive Japanese black ramen noodles. I’d order them from this nice Asian joint around the corner. So, it wasn't exactly the same as when say, an inner city scholarship winner says he ate ramen noodles in college, but the basic principle is there.

In closing, I guess the bottom line comes down to this: My heart is a fat, bloated lazy old asshole that wants to take a nap. I don't think that Cheerios can help that, but it's a good company, they've always done as they were told, voted republican and most of all, provided America with the recipe for a nutritious lifestyle, made mostly with ingredients which come from other countries picked by migrant workers. Now, that's my kind of breakfast.

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