Thursday, December 23, 2004

I'M A JERK, YOU'RE A JERK - The NEW bestseller for the ages

So, if anyone reads my comments board, you will see that I hurt someone's feelings who was, I guess, a regular reader of my blog, and now he isn't going to read it anymore and now he hates me.

I don't enjoy hurting people's feelings, and when I do, I generally feel badly about it. Is that because I allow guilt to live in me? Or is it because I'm sensitive enough to actually feel other people's pain? Because if that's the case, it's back to selfishness, because I don't want to feel the pain, that's why I don't want to hurt people. (If I couldn't feel others' pain, would I care that they were feeling it alone?)

This is not the first time my obnoxious manner has gotten me into trouble. I've alienated audiences, friends, family, I've even alienated enemies, as in this person Joe's case.

Usually, it starts out fairly innocently - someone will say something mean or hurtful to me, something not even that mean, just kind of mean. Then, I will retaliate tenfold, and the person will wonder what the hell happened?

My own mother doesn't call me or send me stuff in the mail like other people's moms do. It's not because she doesn't love me, it's because I've plastered her with such hatred over the years that she's probably afraid of me. My sisters think I'm an asshole, my dad and I don't talk. Even my boyfriend thinks I'm a bad person. My last boyfriend thought my personality sucked, and often told me how socially idiotic I was. My close friend the other day said to me, "Can you be any more awkward?"

Plenty of people appear to like me. I think I have a bunch of friends. People seem to enjoy reading stuff I write and audiences seem to like my jokes and people buy my CDs. Boys like me for long periods of time, even try to marry me sometimes. I guess that doesn't necessarily mean I'm a nice person - Eminem sells shitloads of CDs and from every account, he's a total cock. And someone loved Hitler, too.

But I FEEL mostly nice. I help old people do stuff. I'm nice to waiters. I sometimes cry when I read the news. (I swear!)(I cried yesterday after reading an article about the woman who cut the lady's baby out. Seven tears I shed for humanity - or for the lack thereof. I'm not fucking kidding!) I bought Christmas presents, even though I think Christmas is a total sham. I do nice things for people, even when it means I'll be going out of my way. I do that a lot, actually.

So, what is my problem? How come I'm so mean? Jeff Koyen once (editor at the NY Press) called me "mean" and I can't even count how many people I piss off with my jokes. I think sometimes, people are overly sensitive and it isn't necessarily MY fault. (They'd get pissed if ANYONE said the word abortion...things like that.)

I don't know what to do. I don't believe in God, I think I AM the devil, I believe that all wrongdoing is the devil, and all good mostly coincidence, or reciprocal in nature. Mother Universe is my god - basically an organic, slumbering, inanimate force, oblivious to even her own body (which is everything - and nothing) which maintains life and death and chance. I know that sounds weird, but I when I go to church, I feel nothing, and when I look into the late night sky at lightning or stars, or when I'm on a mountain in Vermont - it's then I feel something. I think the universe is pretty fucking smart. And, I think it wants to help us. It doesn't necessarily mean that good things are always going to happen, or that bad things will be stopped from happening. So, that's the only thing I can count on, I think. I don't think that I can expect friends to give me good advice, or a psychiatrist to fix my broken brain, or that pills are going to answer my prayers, or that the bible will tell me what I need to know. But I do think that if I keep looking for answers, it will make me more aware of right and wrong and what that even means. (Who said, "The truth shall set you free..."? Shakespeare? Jesus?)

See? And now I'm crying again. I'm crying for everything that is wrong with the world. I'm crying for myself. I'm a mess.

Someone wrote in my comment board, "You are so pathetic, it's poignant." I could not have made it into a more comprehensive sentence if I was forced to at gunpoint.

Please, I'll have no pitifying or apathetic comments. Let's leave the comments board blank for this one, unless you're really dying to say something important or hilarious. (PS - Did I mention how I just went on the pill after being pill free for eleven years? I despise the idea of any person forcing extra hormones into their bodies, and part of the reason why is because they make you cry, and crying is dumb. Afterwards, I always feel like I had just eaten a bunch of evil, then I crave baked goods.)

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