Did you know that the news can be crazy sometimes? In Ohio, insane things are happening! In Rhode Island, it’s out of control how bizarre life is! In South Dakota, well, I wouldn’t even ask if I were you.
CAT STRANGLES AND RAPES IT’S OWNER
In a strange and bizarre turn of events, a 72 year old woman was found mauled, strangled, and raped to death in the kitchen of her 12 year old trailer home. The suspect? None other than Kitty-Wilkens Boots, the woman’s beloved pet of 9 years. Kitty was lying in a nearby windowsill, apparently waiting for authorities to find her there. She is currently being held at St. Christopher’s Women’s Facility, without bail.
PERSON AND DAUGHTER FIND CURE FOR AIDS
A person in Washington and their daughter found the cure for AIDS with the help of the US Postal Service. “The mailman had forgotten to deliver my mail that day,” said the person in this story, “and I picked up the phone to call the post office and complain. Just as I did, ball lightning entered the window and chased me to the roof. On the roof, I hid under a cardboard box. In the box was a vial, marked, “cure for AIDS.” I picked it up in my pocket and called you.” Well, you read it here first, folks. It’s a crazy, AIDS-free world out there.
RADIATOR MAKES SOUNDS THAT RESEMBLE GHOSTS
A “spooky” radiator has been “haunting” local residents of a good night’s sleep! Tenants of a building located at 138 Water St. have been complaining that their house is haunted to the landlord. He hired a private ghost detective to investigate, and then it was determined that the radiator was haunting the house, not actual ghosts. Strange as can be!
DIAMOND FALLS OUT OF RING, INTO CEREAL
Lucy Argyle got more than she bargained for when she bit into a bite of her Fruity Pooties last Wednesday in Smithsville. Apparently, the diamond in her wedding ring fell out and into the bowl of soup she was eating. “I bit into the spoonful of cereal, felt the crunch and glanced at my ring at the same instant I swallowed the sugary glob. I realized what had happened a second too late.” Well, looks like Lucy will have to fish the diamond out of her shit by hand if she ever wants to see it again! Insane!!!!!!!
MAN SAVES BABY, SECOND BABY, FROM FIRE
It was just like any other Friday afternoon when Morris Norman saved two babies from a burning building, except that this afternoon, a building was burning with babies inside of it. Morris was on his way back from the store when he saw his apartment building on fire. He ran in to try to grab his favorite jacket when he heard the first baby crying, so he rescued it. As he was almost out of the building, he heard the second baby and rescued that one, too. “It was like I hit the baby in a fire lottery,” the man later commented. Are you starting to get an idea of how crazy this world is yet?
This world is crazy, everyone. It’s a crazy, crazy world, full of crazy, crazy things. Try to make fun of the world if you can, so maybe it’ll stop being so crazy. It’s too fucking crazy. It’s insane. It’s like Crazy Eddie, if Crazy Eddie were the world.