Monday, February 7, 2005


Man Swallows Tongue Trying To Lick Heart
Valley River, NJ
Did you hear about the feller in New Jersey that swallowed his own tongue while trying trying to lick his heart from the inside? I bet he wishes he hadn't done that. He told authorities that he saw someone do it on an infomercial and then decided he might give it a whirl. Looks like his whirl was cock-blocked by the duel of his body's two biggest, most powerful muscles.

Heart - one.
Tongue - none.

This world is crazy! Just fucking crazy!

Man Drowns Self In Tea Cup
Pittsburg, PA
An unnamed man drowned himself in what appeared to be a tea cup in his living room in his home in Pittsburg, late last night. Neighbors said he seemed like a nice man, had some kind of spitting disorder which made him constantly drool, but other than that was friendly and always smiling. He leaves behind a cat, Coco, and three pairs of sailor pants. Insane!

Girl wins Nobel Prize for Stealing
Vladakopta, Russia
Nadya Ankavankya is the first woman to win the Nobel Thief Prize. This very high-regarded award is nearly impossible to obtain, because it is kept in a small refridgerator in Antartica. We'll see if she ever actually receives it, but she did win it. Congratulations, Nadya, and keep up the excellent level of stealing that sets the standard for the world! Strange fucking news, huh?

Seventeen People Arrested In Mysterious Shortbread Cookie Incident
Toronto, Canada
Seventeen People were arrested today in conjunction with a mysterious shortbread cookie incident which have left local authorities baffled, confused, and truly bewildered, if not stuffed! Early last week, a truck with 40,000 boxes of shortbread cookies pulled into town, delivering the cookies to many homes in and around Toronto. No one knows where the cookies come from or why, but seventeen local residents got into a shortbread cookie food-fight that resulted in downed electrical wires, broken car windows and the slinging of words that can't be taken back.
Fucked up, right? Well, guess what? It's a fucked up world! Full of fucked up news!

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