Thursday, June 16, 2005


I am having a problem with the internet / my computer, and mailing my Diatribe is getting increasingly more difficult. I'm waiting on a new computer which may help things. In addition, NY Press & I are still working out the details of Delfino's Diatribe, so it isn't going to be on the website this week as was previously thought (and mentioned in the diatribe). So, I've decided to just for now put it on my blog weekly until I fix everything up all pretty.

So...enjoy. It's a little dated...but still a Diatribe.


WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15th, 2005

CHINATOWN WEATHER REPORT: Hazy and humid with a chance
of tons of spit on the sidewalk.

***SHAMELESS PLUG***: This is the last chance you have to vote for your favorite comedians to win awards in the ECNY Awards 2005. This year's award ceremony will be held on Thursday, June 23rd at Upright Citizen's Brigade - The ECNY Awards voting website is:



Delfino’s Diatribe will be a regular addition to starting in a date that is still to be determined.
Due to some computer technical difficulty, it may not be going to the
list as it was weekly. In the meantime, you can find it every Thursday
at Then once I get it right, it will
stay that way hopefully forever, but at least until the nuclear bomb hits
sometime in 2012. (NOTE: Date is a rough estimate,
given to me by a commuter on the Staten Island Ferry,
who cited his source as an angel.) If you are on the
mailing list, you might start receiving Delfino’s
Diatribe in your in-box every week again, or you might
never receive it in your inbox again. Email me at to get on or off the mailing list.


NY Press is a free alternative weekly paper that is
more ballsy than the Voice, less grandiose than the
Sun or the Observer, less snooty than the NY Times,
but much funnier and at least as intelligent, wittier
and more playful, and if you actually read the NY
Daily News or the NY Post instead of using them as
they should be used – to line your kitty shit boxes –
I don’t know if my words will make sense in your
brain. But I hope they will. I do truly hope they
will. You might remember NY PRESS from a few months
back when they made the news with a joke article about
the pope dying. Some said it was in bad taste. I don’t
think there are any sacred cows in comedy, but if
America wants their sacred pope cow, that is fine with
me. I just wonder what God would say about everyone
calling the pope a cow.

NOTE TO NEW READERS OF DD: I have been sending out
issues of Delfino’s Diatribe to my mailing list for
seven weeks prior to being run on NYPRESS.COM. If
you’d like old issues of DD, please email asking me
for them at

I saw this article in the Advocate, a gay-oriented
news source from somewhere gay. Basically, it says
that LOGO, MTV’s gay-oriented cable network has
acquired a promising comedy line-up. But the article
should have been about how MTV HAS a gay-oriented
network. I thought MTV WAS their gay-oriented network.


Daily Variety reports that MTV's gay-oriented cable
network Logo has ordered six episodes of the stand-up
comedy series Wisecrack , which features performances
from Judy Gold, Vicki Shaw, Miss Coco Peru, Doug
Holsclaw, Page Hurwitz, and Advocate columnist Alec
Mapa. Shows were taped at the Abbey, a West Hollywood,
Calif., bar-restaurant.


This once again raises the important issue of whether
or not Judy Gold is actually gay or just plain
fabulous? At 6’12” with dramatic eyes and an
intimidating presence, if she is homosexual, I’m about
to coin the industry term is lesbolicious to describe
this “queen” of comedy. Or is Ms. Gold simply riding
the gay-vy train? Hm hm hm. With a beloved precious
metal of gays for a second name, I’d dare say this
diamond is, without a doubt, a girl’s best friend.
Jimmy Page is my hero for a number of reasons. He was
hot for like, 40 years. He’s Led Zeppelin. He looks
great in a dragon-decorated suit. And he rocks like he
didn’t junk out for most of his young life. He lives
in Alestair Crowley’s old mansion. He’s friends with
Satan. If that isn’t enough reasons to dig Jimmy Page,
read Hammer of the Gods or watch The Song Remains The
Same. Now do it again while high. Now do it again
while high again. At 108 years old, Jimmy Page’s face
has gotten all fat for some reason, but he’s still
making the news in England – and in my heart. This
story is the epitomy of news you can’t use, but the
thing that tickled me about this story was what the
queen asked him.


LONDON - Veteran rockers Jimmy Page, Brian May, Midge
Ure and John Mayall are on Queen Elizabeth's annual
birthday honours list. (NOTE: Get a load of the
spelling of honours…how debonair!)
For at least two of the honourees, it marked a big
step up in recognition since March, when the Queen
encountered Page and May at a Buckingham Palace
reception and asked, "What do you do?"

Someone’s a royal idiot. Looks like Satan forgot to
inform a few important people that Led Zeppelin were
in fact, the most famous rock band in the world. So
much for making deals with the devil. This brings up
another important issue. Where does one GO to sign a
deal with Satan? Can you call 311 and get the number?
Do you have to send a SASE? Do you have to know
someone? What executives do you have to blow to get a
deal with Bezelbub? I bet Satan hangs out in comedy

This section features things you can do with your
life, you know, besides waste it.

The 25th Atlantic Film Festival (Sept. 15-24) has
extended the call for entry deadline for film
submissions to June 24. The form is available for
download from the film festival website at, under "Filmmakers &
Delegates." This is the first year where is no entry

What do you get when you cross rape with a monkey?
An international lawsuit starring Michael Jackson


*** - I’m in it (or into it)
### - I’m not in it (but still into it)

Slipper Room, 167 Orchard St. at Stanton St. 9 PM. $5?
Paco Doubledown used to have his show upstairs at
Piano’s every Sunday night. It was a strange little
open mic which Paco Doubledown hosted, with
multi-media bits and a cunty bartender. You’d get to
do one song or a few jokes or one number or bit or
what have you, and if the audience liked you, they
were encouraged to applaud very loudly, allowing a
two-fer, which gave you permission to do a second
piece. The show has been cancelled for a while, but is
back now at the Slipper Room. Paco is part Craig
Kilborn, part Las Vegas lounge act style host. He’s
adorably smarmy and always entertaining. And not
Mexican, as his name might lead you to believe. It’s a
terrific show. Shows every Wednesday in June – 6/15,
6/22, 6/29. Next Week: HAUNTED PUSSY and other acts grace the stage.

Veteran entertainer and talent scout Paco Doubledown
hosts this magical night of burlesque and musical
performance, offering tips to aspiring entertainers
from his entertainucational teaching series -- The
Keys to Success: I Have Them, But I Can Make You a

WEBISODE featuring Jessica Delfino and other
performers. This website is run by a group of smart,
clever guy and gal performers. Billed as
“internet-based comedy”, they allow themselves to go
around a lot of bureaucracy by heading straight to the
web. Their shit is tight! We taped mine and other
segments at the White Box in Soho, and it looks really
beautiful. They are all very talented, so go to the
site to view the trailers and previous webisodes. I’m
very glad to be involved in this project. On a side
note, Sam Reich’s dad is some special government dude.
He was there for the shoot the day I was filmed, and
was a guest on the Daily Show that evening. In
addition to being smart, funny and attractive, these
guys are plugged IN, bi-yatches, so make friends with
them now before they get too famous to return your

***FRIDAY, JUNE 17th: MORTIFIED NYC, June 17 & 19th at
The Magnet Theatre, 8 PM. Tickets $10 at
MORTIFIED is a show at the Magnet Theater wherein
performers revisit their embarrassing childhoods for
the audience’s enjoyment. Performers read from old
journals, show old projects and otherwise incorporate
stuff they did back when they were children. On this
show, I will be presenting some songs from my 6th
grade white girl pop-rap group “The Three
Flabbergasted Cows”, debuting singles off our hit
tape, “Cowgirls & Indians.” I was a little
racist-remark making rabble rouser even back then.
Other guests on the show include: Giulia Rozzi, Julie
Brister, Qraig DeGroot, Abby Gross on Friday, Ria
Suozzo on Sunday,
Laurie Sandell, Lianne Stokes, Jon Friedman, Tasha
Space and Will Nolan. I have heard this show is very
successful and have been selling out, so if you are
interested in attending, you might want to RSVP.

###SATURDAY, JUNE 18th: PLEDGE BREAK, a play by Elisa
DeCarlo, Pelican Studio Theatre, 3 PM, 750 Eighth Ave
(46th/47th St), Sixth Floor, $15 cash only,
Reservations Highly Recommended: (212) 462-3064
I don’t know what this play is about, but Ann Carr is
in it, so it should be good. Ann Carr, as I’ve
mentioned in past diatribes, is a very dynamic funny
character actor. If you’ve ever wanted to try a
character out, you should check out her work. This
play is described as “nutty and crazy with fun written
all over it.” Other performance dates and times
available. Call the number above for more information.
I’m not your god damn operator.

Highbrow public television has never stooped so low!
Directed by Aaron Haber. Featuring: Ann Carr, Jordan
Cerruti, Myles Evans, Fernando Gambaroni, Bob
Greenberg, Jeremiah Holmes, Karl Itzkowitz, Stacee
Manderville, Jennifer Mushkin, Maria Olivares, Emily
Russo, Matt Scott, Michele St. John and Natasha Welch.

Unconscious, 279 Church St at White St.
Faceboy’s open mic is one of the longest running open
mics in NYC. There is always a crowd of bizarre
performers. You get six minutes of stage time for $3.
And you can bring your own beer!!!

***MONDAY, JUNE 20st: SHOW N’ TELL, starring HAUNTED
PUSSY as the opening act, Bowery Poetry Club, 308
Bowery at 1st St., $3, 10 PM SHARP.
SHOW N’ TELL is the rockinest open mic in the city.
Hosted by the O’Debra Twins, they attract a huge
audience with upwards of 50 or so people each week,
and believe it or not, MANY of them are just regular
people who come to watch the show. (Because it’s THAT
good.) If you’ve never seen the O’Debra Twins, imagine
two girls who are not actual twins, stuck in perverted
sixth grade reality where they perform choreographed
dance numbers to 80s hits for whoever they can rope
into watching them, tell awkward vulgar jokes and
bits, show short films, and interject a variety of
surprises. In between their hi-jinks is an open mic
featuring comedians, musicians, poets, dancers and
politicians, sometimes even famous ones. There is also
a drinking contest, a writing contest and unplanned
mayhem – even occasional nudity. Every week, there is
an opening act that does a 20 minute set. Tonight,
histrionic fear-metal band HAUNTED PUSSY stops by to
scare the bejesus out of anyone old or sensitive in
the audience. Haunted Pussy is a rock band which hails
from the LES, NYC. They have two lead singers, “like
Heart”, a “soul-shredding” guitarist, and a “ghost”
drummer. They have been hailed in the Village Voice,
NY Press, Time Out NY, and many other publications,
according to their website. They sound weird because
they are. However, they do tend to rock the shit out
of their audiences. Learn more at

NOTE: I encourage EVERYONE who performs to attend this
open mic, even if only one time. Yes, sometimes you
have to wait for a spot. Sometimes you have to wait
all night. But even if you go late, there is always an
attentive, performance-hungry audience. And if you
actually care about art at all, and aren’t just a
selfish dick running in to get your mic off, you might
even appreciate the other extremely talented
performers which always grace the show. Sure, not
every act is a winner, but most are true gems. I
perform on this show EVERY WEEK, and find it is the
best open mic in town to try out both old and new

###TUESDAY, JUNE 21st: JAB, Punch Lounge, 7:30 PM, 913
Broadway, btw. 20th and 21st Sts. 212-673-6333.
FROM THE L MAGAZINE: New York’s best stand-ups, hosted
by Katie McCabe. At 9 PM, DJ David Handsome spins pop,
rock, new wave and electro.


In this segment, I talk about customer service in NYC.
NYC has the worst customer service I’ve ever seen
anywhere. And why not? Customers are assholes and
services are run by other assholes. Everyone’s getting
paid minimum wage to take your shit, and companies
like Kinko’s and Sprint PCS exist solely to rip people

Today, we focus on yuppie hell-hole 88 Orchard, the
children of NYC and their bastardization of the
lemonade stand, and the company who makes the
elevators in my building. Also – learn the secret of
being rich, as told to me by a very wealthy

Visit to read all the
juicy details.


I celebrated a birthday a few days ago. Yes, I’m a
Gemini, whatever the hell that means. I don’t think it
means shit, but all week long people have been
exclaiming into my face with glee, “You’re a Gemini!
WOW!” And then following it up by telling me that
their roommate or someone else they know who I do not
care about is also a Gemini.

Everyone likes birthday gifts, and I am no different.
However, I also know that people in NYC are busy. Most
of my friends don’t have time to shop for gifts, and
even if they did, I’d rather they didn’t waste their
money buying me trinkets or crap from some lame gift
shop owned by a semi-circle of fat millionaires. But I
want attention, and I want people to give a shit about
me on my birthday.

Enter BAD BIRTHDAY POETRY. Last year, my boyfriend
started to suggest to people that they write bad
birthday poems to friends on their birthdays. I
enjoyed writing dumb ditties to people on the backs of
napkins, and the recipient always seemed to enjoy it.
Sure, maybe they’d rather have a free dinner or a gift
certificate to Virgin Records, but I’d like seven
tits. We can’t always get what we want.

Around the time my birthday rolled around, I decided
for the first time in years to have a birthday party.
I thought it’d be fun to have a theme party, but
wasn’t sure what to do. 80s dance off? Too gay.
Roaring 20s costume ball? Too super gay/cliché/dumb.
Any other theme? Equally vomitorious. So I decided to
go with the bad birthday poetry idea, but with a twist
– everyone would be encouraged to answer the question
“Are you glad I was born?” in the form of a lousy
poem, and then given a microphone and some backdrop
music to read them to. The bad birthday poem party was
born, and was a huge success.

A ton of people came to my party. Yuengling liked the
idea and gave me 6 free cases of birthday beer to
drunken my friends with. A few papers listed the
shindig, and we took over my boyfriend’s building’s
roof deck to throw the event. I wasn’t sure if people
would actually be into it or not, but I was delighted
to see tons of writer and performer types, bad poems
in hand, approach the mic one after another and read
me their crappy tributes. Some were nice, some were
mean, some were hilarious – most were too good.

It was such a fun success that we decided to do it
again this year. I had the party at the Bowery Poetry
Club so I could actually host a lot of people, and not
have to worry so much about certain obvious elements –
cleaning up the mess afterwards, buying booze, etc.
Again, shit loads of people showed up. Dunkin Donuts
gave me a ton of free donuts. Everyone, again,
delighted and impressed me with their awful notes.
Strangers, friends, weirdos came, wielding dumb,
beautiful poems – all for me.

It made me feel great to get all these poems. Some
were funny, some were obnoxious, all were beloved. The
audience laughed and cheered each poet, and I gave
each reader a book of last year’s bad poems. Luckily
for me, most of my friends and colleages are
enormously talented, so it wasn’t as shitty as a
poetry party might sound. Most of my friends are
hilarious comedians. That definitely helps.

I had such a great time, I want to spread the word and
the idea. If someone you know is having a birthday and
you’d like to give them something but don’t have the
money, just write them a bad birthday poem. The key,
however, is that it HAS to be bad. Spiff it up, if you
like. Add some glitter, write it on fancy paper, make
it 3-D. However you choose to make it special, bad
poetry is a gift that always leaves the birthday boy
or girl a bit bewildered and simultaneously enchanted.
We can’t all be loaded with dough to buy all our
friends cars and hos.

It was a great party. If you missed it, you can come
to the next one. I hope to have it at the Bowery
again. Admission, as always, will be one lousy poem.

For more diatribes, visit

And in closing: Please email me any comedy news, shows, tips, compliments, insults, marriage proposals, snacks or what have you to

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