JESSICA DELFINO LIFE NEWS
In this episode, I try to make my boring life seem interesting!
In the news today:
###HOTTER THAN HELL OUTSIDE
###CON ED IS WORKING ON THE STREET IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE
###I'M WEARING A JEAN SKIRT RIGHT NOW
HOTTER THAN HELL OUTSIDE
Have any of you ever been to hell before? It's fucking hot there. Satan runs the thermostat and he's a total jewish person* with the air conditioning. I've never been to hell, but I know everything there is to know about hell from reading comic books, the bible and thanks to various joke forwards and comedians' sets. Plus, I have a feeling I'll get to visit someday.
Anyway, JESUS - it's hotter than HELL outside today, according to the temperatures I've read that hell can reach. But luckily for me, I have a friend who spends a lot of money on being comfortable. He bought a big house and fitted it with one of those air conditioners that if used inappropriately could blow the walls out of your home and create a small tornado. It's so cold that it enables me to use my vagina as an ice machine. That's cold!
*NOTE: It's okay if I write that, because the person who's house I'm at is Jewish. There's actually some irony there in that the Jewish person who's house I'm at actually uses his A/C like a normal person. So, I'm round-about-ly complimenting Jewish people and Satan. I hate how I have to explain anything challenging on my blog or else everyone will get pissed off. Watch - by the end of the day I'll have received at least three angry emails from Jewish people and Satanists and several happy ones from racists and Jesus.
CON ED IS WORKING ON THE STREET IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE
For three days now, there have been several Con Ed utility vehicles, trucks, vans, cop cars, fire trucks and dudes with moustaches all around the area of Allen and Broome, near where I reside. All the manholes are open and people are climbing in and out of them, as if they're hanging out at some guy's house who lives underground. It's really hot out (as mentioned in above article) and I can't imagine how those dudes can be climbing in and out of those holes. I wonder if they are having any flash backs to birth or are making any jokes or references to wombs as they do this work.
Some guy got zapped yesterday, either on a manhole cover or by some wire. The story I heard from one of the men (I stopped and asked) was that they had some electrical problems and a lot of the electricity went out in my neighborhood. It didn't go out in my building. I live in a fancy building with marble walls and floors, and an elevator. I think that it's probably one of the fanciest buildings on the block. Secretly, I think the power didn't go off in my building because a gang leader lives there. I hope the people who have no power have something else they can use, like a generator or magic.
I'M WEARING A JEAN SKIRT RIGHT NOW
It's true. It's a cut-off jean skirt that is all frayed at the bottom. I think I either got it at a second hand store or found it in a bag of clothes in the hallway of my old apartment building. It's a little big for me, but I wear it anyway. I even wear it sometimes when I'm riding my bike. That's considered "inappropriate" by some, but I don't mind being inappropriate. I tie a jacket around my waist and the sleeves cover up the area where my special spots are.
Plus, didn't you read the first article? It's fucking hotter than hell outside today.
It's almost as if God invented summer to help propagate the species. I think perhaps we should ask the mayor to change the name from summer to fuck season, because I appreciate bluntness in conversation.