Jessy Delfino's Blog

I ENJOY MY TITS

Here's a timeline of my flip flaps:

I used to hate my tits so much. (I have, at one time or another, also called them shit balls of ugly and my punching nuts). When I was in grammar school, I discovered my blammos during basketball practice. I was running across the floor, and all of a sudden, I felt the fleshy udders dangling from my chest. I realized I had breasts. How do you have two boobs on your torso and you don't notice? I was 12, and I rarely showered at the time, obviously. 12 year olds don't need to shower. Their vaginas are used for storage only, still.

So, there they were. I loved them the same as any of my toys. I had an Odyssey computer at the time, and would play Pong and Dungeons and Dragons on it a lot. And I had tits. They were like bumper cars, the way I'd smash them into things. It took me awhile to realize that they protruded.

One time, a boy said my breasts were concave.

I found a dollar once, underneath a breast. In the morning, I saw the tooth I'd placed under my pillow was gone.

It's not that my ling lings are small, I don't think they are. I wrote a song when I was 21 about how small they were. Sometimes I sing it. But then people say, "You're boobs aren't THAT small." I start vomiting and call them liars.

It seems like they've actually grown a lot. They've grown and gotten better, without surgery. I don't know what happened. It's like I now have the tits I always wanted when I was 16. It seems like it would have made a bigger difference then. Like, maybe I could have been popular in high school. But now, no one cares. It seems like ALL my friends boobs are great.

Sometimes I like to look at my boobs in the mirror. I squeeze them and then quickly punch them afterwards so God doesn't get mad.