Thursday, February 23, 2006

I'm watching figure skating...

...and the commentators are such dink anuses.

The commentators are such fair-weather friends - when the skaters are doing well, they are all up in their crotches. When they aren't doing well, they start getting all psychoanalytical on their asses, totally cutting them down, but doing it in an eloquent-sounding way that is OK, because it's on TV. If there were people at an ice skating practice just shanking a bunch of teenage girls ice skating, they'd get their asses kicked. TV makes everything okay.

It's amazing to me that these gals can even do this shit with their body, let alone do it on ice. They do things with their bodies that I can't even do with my imagination.

The skaters are doing amazing, awe-inspiring movements that human bodies were probably never even meant to be able to do. The one Japanese chick, Shizuki, just completely rocked it, without even making one mistake. They called it a "clean presentation". Shouldn't everyone in the theater line up to place their lips upon her anus? She can jump four feet into the air with ice skates on, going about 35 miles per hour, and then land on fucking ICE! What ELSE can she do? She can probably also fly and eat fire. And the announcers say things like, "It was a good quality performance, it is beatable".

They remind me of my parents. "I know you can do better," they'd sometimes say. Oh, yeah? How the hell do you know, MOM?

Maybe the ice skater's routine being absolutely perfect is as good as it's going to get! Deal with it!

I can't help but notice the similarities in ice skating and go go dancing. There's lots of gawking, I, like everyone, I'm sure, can't help but stare at these half-naked hot chicks like they are freaks. Even as I try to write, my eyes keep going back to the TV. And they keep doing these moves where the girls totally super spread their legs, holding one leg up very high, exposing their young crotch mounds to the entire free world. No dollars in G strings, that is one very clear difference.

"She has a sort of concerned look on her face," he says of a 16 year old asian ice magician who has just gotten marks for her routine which put her in third place. If he had a sense of humor, he might add, "Probably because she knows if she doesn't take a medal home, she will be forced to commit suicide." But it never comes. Instead, we just hear the sounds of him eating donuts into the microphone.

Amazing women! I mean, teens!

Now this russian chick is dancing to spanish music - insert race-related joke here. This russian chick is kicking ass! The audience is cheering her like she is the queen of England, and the announcer says, "It's a little off." She's absolutely spectacular. I would make a horrible commentator, because the whole time, I'd just be saying, WOW! FUCKING WOW! WOW! HOLY SHIT! WOW! Did you SEE THAT??? JESUS H! MOTHER FUCKER!

DAMN! She just landed right on her ass. She was doing so good. She was the only one who even had half a chance of beating the bad ass Japanese chick with the perfect, or as the commentators say, "quality, clean" performance. It must suck to lose something so precious by doing something as clumsy as falling on your ass.

The perfect asian chick's nick name is "cool fire" or something. She has complete poker face. She won the first gold medal for Japan ever in Olympic figure skating.

They will be the next USA.

It's sad to see a pretty little face get bent up at "only winning a bronze".

What a tough gig! And I thought stand-up comedy was a shit fest.

TV is run by aliens.

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