Wednesday, December 6, 2006


A guy wrote me an email from Illinois. He said he was giving thought to coming to my show, and then decided not to come. He told me he lived out in the middle of Illinois. Well, what was he doing on my email list, I wondered? Did he see me perform in Illinois? Did he live in NYC and then move out? Who really gives a crap? Why do I waste my time wondering such stupid thoughts? I must be stupid. I must be a real ass faced hag. I've wasted my life with ass faced hag thoughts!

The correspondence between me and said stranger really opened a lot of thought capsules up in my mind. I realized - I am a woman with questions. And I want answers! No - I demand answers! But then I decided I really don't demand anything. Barely anything at all.

But there are a few things I'd like in this world. I'd like to understand what makes men ticks. Did I say ticks? I meant dicks. What makes men dicks. I'd also like a car that runs on candy or gum. Or air. I'd like a car that runs on air. I'd like my cellphone to not give me brain cancer. I feel the brain cancer growing. It calls me sometimes on my cellphone, just to mock me. I'd like to find that missing shoe that matches the other one that I have. Where is it? Where? I've looked everywhere. I've looked here and there, up and down, right and left. Where is left to look? Nope. I bet I already looked there.

I have a coat that keeps me warm, finally, so I can check that off the list.

But you don't get what you want in life by sitting around and waiting for it to come to you, now, do you? That's not what life is all about.

It's 12:01. I'd like some lunch. You know what? I'm gonna go out there and GET me some lunch! I'm gonna get it!

Above: A hot lunch, sits, ready to enter my ass face

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