Friday, March 13, 2009

Matt the Meat Eater vs. Delfino the Detester of Dat Shit

NYC comedian Matt Ruby sent this rant out in an email blast today and I thought it was so funny and silly when I read it, it inspired me to respond. Enjoy!



Why do vegetarian restaurant menus always have fake meat products like Sham, Tofurkey, and Fake'n? These are the tribute bands of the food world. "Tonight, playing all the hits of real beef, it's Not Dogs!" And sham!? You're telling me right there the product is terrible. What do you order along with that? A bowl of the inferior-rip-off-chili?

At least meat eaters actually like meat. You don't see this at a steakhouse: "Tonight's special is Crock-oli.
That's where we take bacon, compress it into the shape of a broccoli stalk, remove it's flavor, and paint it green...because THAT'S what we secretly want to eat."

Bacon doesn't need a disguise. It doesn't need to get dressed up in a costume for Halloween. Bacon just shows up and goes,
"Knock, knock, I'm Bacon, trick or treat!" And it's always treat. Because it's bacon. And bacon is always treat.

Sorry veggie people, it doesn't make sense to hate meat but like its impostor. That's like saying, "I can't stand
Vegas, but Branson, Missouri is the bomb!" If ya love 'em so much, just let vegetables be vegetables.



As a vegetarian I will tell you (a rare admission) that I (and many other vegetarians) LOVE the "taste" of meat but choose not to eat it because of the massive amounts of damage it does to humans, animals, the planet, etc.

(Have you seen Fast Food Nation? Did you watch the ending scene? Wow...)

I miss eating rare steaks, burgers, bacon, etc., and can only get a shimmer of satisfaction by sniffing bacon or eating facon or Morning Star chik patties, etc. (BTW, bacon bits are actually not made of bacon at all.) But I feel better and am slimmer, healthier and am doing my small part to try to help this doomed planet. (Ask if you'd like me to elaborate.)

A close woman friend of mine in her 50s got a tumor in her woman parts from the steroids that go into meat, poultry and dairy. This is a common phenomenon for women of menopausal age -- their body chemicals are all out of wack as is, and then all the steroids present in the food they eat kick in and things get out of control. The steroids also cause and complicate other kinds of cancers in women (steroids make things, like tumors, grow faster and bigger) and men (colon cancer -- very popular among men -- you can thank the burger meat that can't completely digest in your colon for that!)

Also, young girls are getting their lady times earlier, starting at about age 10 or 11 due to the same thing -- more steroids in the milk, etc.

Meat makes moustaches grow on 10 y.o. girls bc of the unethical meat and poultry and dairy practices (such as putting steroids into chickens to make their breasts grow bigger so you can get a fatter, juicier chicken breast). Mmmm! Steroid-y chicken tits! Moustaches on 10 y.o. girls! Hot.

By eating fake chicken now, I am making an effort to avoid vag tumors later in life. Yay fake chicken!!

Plus, I actually do love the taste of seitan. That shit is GOOD. Ever had the orange seitan at Wild Ginger? If you are a meat-eater, I date you to take the Orange Seitan challenge. (I offered to take Matt there and treat him to it if he will take the orange seitan challenge. Will he have the tofurkey nuggets to do it?)

This is my final point -- most of the meat, dairy and poultry that you eat is so many parts steroids, drugs, bones and filler that unless you are getting top quality product, you are practically eating less meat than I do!

ha ha ah hahahahahaha SUCKER!


You can see Matt Ruby at his show WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE, "the comedy chat show with boundary issues!" Hosted by Matt Ruby and Mark Normand. With Donald Glover, Rory Scovel, and more. Friday, March 27, 9:30pm @ The Creek, 10-93 Jackson Ave at 49th Ave, Long Island City, NY. Just one subway stop from Brooklyn and Manhattan

See Jessica Delfino (that's me) TONITE at Ben Lerman's BORSCHT Variety Show, Sidewalk Cafe, 8 PM, and TOMORROW at Stand Up NY (8 pm and 10 pm shows) or later at The Creamsicles Rock N Roll Variety Show at Acme Underground, Great Jones and Lafayette, 10 PM til LATE.


Anonymous said...

Nice Point-Counterpoint post. Diet is such a personal thing, if we didn't have to eat in front of others it could even be called private. However there is a lot of misinformation lobbed around 'both' sides of the issue & respectfully in your reply: Many 'steroids' that go into making some meat meatier have absolutely no effect on human body IF any traces of the steroid even exist in the cooked meat. It's not the same stuff that ball players shoot, if so they would just eat cheap hamburgers instead. There simply can be no way to prove a cancerous tumor was caused by repeatedly eating a specific food with an unidentified hormone. Vegetarians get cancer too. The accelerated puberty onset due to 'hormones' in milk & meat is also a widely circulated myth. Bovine is virtually untraceable in pasteurized milk, much less a human who drinks it. These days there are so many organic farms with untreated meat & dairy products to choose from, if growth agents are your main beef- it's quite simple to avoid & more and more restaurants choose to get their meat & fish from responsible organic suppliers. & finally another piece of missinfo lies in your title: Derek Jeter never took, or has been accused of taking the 'roids, that's all the other Yankees. Seitan is great too- I'll have to try the place you mentioned if I don't die from eating this salmon (-;

Anonymous said...

YAY jessica. I don't care if the negative steroid effects are proved or unproved to be causing girls to grow mustaches or what have you, but I sure as heck aren't going to take the risk! That stuff they pump in is some nasty shit and I'm going to keep my distance.