So Far, So Fun

Last night was a dewy blast

and Naughty Nautical Nite continues tonight

RAIN OR SHINE

JD (left) and DD pose all pretty in the Philly Daily News

I was worried we'd get rained out as it started getting all drizzly on the ride to Philly with my buddy Ben Lerman behind the wheel. But the clouds partially parted to allow a crack of sun to shine through. Once on the boat though, actually, during my set, it downright rained for a good 5 minutes. Maybe god was crying with laughter? That's what I told myself, anyway.

At least it was rain and not that huge bar over my head that was coming down

We moved down into the hold of the ship which is huge, and hosted a really neat art show, in addition to being a great space for a nautical themed show. All the acts were great, there were a lot of people dressed as sailors and captains and pirates and stuff, and I think everyone had a really great time. But I guess I shouldn't try to speak for everyone. Maybe there were one or two sad Sallies or Steves, but ya can't please 'em all.

Dame Darcy in all her mermalicious glory

From Left: Mrs + Mr. Lord Whimsy, Jessica Delfino, Dame Darcy, Laura Baird and her cappy hubby Les

For more info about the show, check out www.gazela.org/artsfest. The Gazela is at the end of Market Street at Penn's Landing. You can park above on the ramps for $5 in quarters instead of paying $17 to park in the lot. Tickets are $20 and can be purchased in advance or at the door. Doors are at 7 PM, show is at 8 PM til 10 PM.

All hands on dick...I mean deck!

You can discreetly BYOB and snacks, and there is beer for sale by donation and iced tea for sale for $3 / cup on the boat. There is also home made ice cream for sale. It's a really gorgeous environment for a show and you can say "Arrggghh!!!" a lot and no one will care. Dame Darcy will be wearing next to nothing which is rather sexy and everyone is dressed to the oceanic 9s.

It's a good time, ye hear?

FIVE THINGS I HATE ABOUT FLORIDA

I've hated Florida my whole life. You'd think a serial killer killed me here in a past life or something, which wouldn't surprise me considering they have the highest serial killer ratio per capita according to a statistic I just made up. I have family here who I love so once a year or less I suck it up and do something else I hate doing - I fly - down to Florida to spend as little time here as one can possibly spend in a time frame requiring a round trip flight.

But why do I despise the land of giant human sized bugs so besides all the banana spiders and killers? Let's investigate.

The banana spider, shown here, is Florida's state mascot

and will kill you while you sleep, for fun

1. Every time I see a story in the news about Florida, it's about how teens killed their best friend, or how a mom killed her daughter, or how somebody killed someone. It's never about how children discovered a new species of fauna or how a dog saved a man from drowning. When the news can't even find fluff pieces here, cause too many killers be killin' people up in this bitch, we have a problem.

2. There are a lot of "people of Walmart" looking folks freely roaming the streets. Sure, there are good looking people too, I've seen upwards of 1-2 in the three days I've been here. But I've come to realize that in Florida, stripper heels are normal wear and scruffy older Bud Light hat wearing guys holding beers and singing to me are my average bar company. Does Bud Light even know about the people who wear their merchandise?

3. I am a dolphin (Delfino means dolphin in Italian) and I love the water and have since I was a kid. But even the lovely pools can't help me to shake my unshakeable inner disgust at this state. Even a gorgeous blue pool can't give this pool lover an attitude adjustment and / or some inner piece. Why, you ask? Because alligators climb into people's pools and eat them on a regular basis.

4. The highways are full of terrible drivers - people rushing to get to the dog races or go beat their wives or go to what ever other place deplorable shit heads hang out, swerving around like maniacs and cutting you off on the high way like they are practicing for a high speed chase from the police. I'm not sure if it's that people here just don't know how to drive or that people here don't just don't know how to drive sober.

I'd like to say, I love the old people here. There should really be a law that you must be over 60 to move to Florida. They are my favorite thing about this god forsaken place. But the fact that there are so many of them driving here may contribute partially to reason #4 that I hate Florida. And that makes me hate Florida even more - this state makes me afraid of the old people I normally love.

5. Start to google Florida. Don't even finish typing the word. And see what comes up:

OK, theres the lottery, the DMV, and unemployment as the top 3 - some of the most absolutely horrifying and dreaded things ever created. Doesn't that make you almost want to shed a tear? Aquarium barely makes it any better, because this whole state is a swamp. If this isn't the most deplorable, despicable place in the 50 nifty, I dare you suggest where else trumps it.

To conclude, I'll share a story that pretty much sums up my every Florida experience:

My sisters were hanging out at a bar and a man walked up to them. He reached over, grabbed the lighter off their table and said, "I'd ask you for a light, but that would be polite." He lit his cigarette, returned the lighter and said, "I'd say thank you, but then I'd be a gentleman."

My awesome hilarious sister who doesn't take no Florida BS said to him, "Listen, buddy, you can either buy us a round of drinks or get the hell outta here."

I hate Florida!

OK So I May Be A Little Late On This But...

I just have a few words to say about what is being called "the dick chop of the decade" because I made it up with my brain. Gentlemen, perhaps if you didn't refer to your dick as "junk" the ladies would treat it with a little more respect. How are we supposed to know if she even did it on purpose? Perhaps she thought it was just junk.

The moral of the story, don't call your penis junk if you don't want someone to sell it at a yard sale.

Please Put Dog Leavings Into Proper Receptacle

Which, in this park's policy, is a Chinese food container.

THINGS I AM HAPPY ABOUT RIGHT NOW

OK, so it doesn't take much to make me happy, I'd like to start off by pre-mentioning that. But I think these things are legit smile inducers.

a) First, here's a quick one, Twitter suggests you follow me:

Do what the nice people say.

b) I got to interview one of my favorite people, Mr. Paul Dinello, for Impose Magazine. Spoiler alert: Paul owns a chainsaw and knows how to use it. All the photos are taken by Alex M. Smith, and they are pretty awesome.

This has been a big week for Paul. First he got interviewed by Jessica Delfino for Impose Magazine, and then he got married.

c) Also a big week for comedic writings written by me - the review I wrote for NY Observer of Tina Fey's Bossypants also just came out. Better late than even later.

d) I'm writing this from a beach in Jersey, where I'm spending the whole week. Fingers crossed I'll run into at least one reality show celebrity. I'm really bad at recognizing famous people though, unless it's Dustin Hoffman, who I didn't even recognize at first, a friend actually pointed him out.

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

I am totally excited to have been asked to write a review of Tina Fey's Bossypants (like, 2 months ago) for the NY Observer. At long last, it is in print.

Click on the review below to enlarge and read. If not, grab yer trusty binoculars, or skip out and read it at the library. Just add it to your list of things to do and let's make it happen.

Jessica Delfino "I'm Italian" (I'll Pay You For Sex In Food)

WORLD PREMIERE FRI 7/8

OK, this is it. This is the moment the world has been waiting for. So it's not the Casey Anthony verdict, but it is a video that I made with the help of some friends for a song that I wrote. I hope you like it. I look really foxy in this video, and there are some funny parts, like a butt shake and a few visual gags that may very well literally make you gag.

Please come and support this once in a life time stunt at the Funny Girls On Film Festival, kicking off TOMORROW at 7 PM (opening party), show at 8 PM, at 138 Sullivan St., NY, NY. Wine and cheese reception to follow.

And look! We're a pick in Time Out NY! Get your tickets RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW and I'll see ya there.

Anti-Guide To Wedding Dresses

I've been on the lookout for a great wedding dress and so far, I haven't found the perfect one, but I have found a lot of things I'd never wear in a million years, and that's saying a lot, because I will wear a lot of crazy crap. If you are not very fashion-ally inclined and aren't exactly sure what to wear but you want to see a list of dresses you better be sure as hell NOT to wear, then click here.

PS: Not sure what to do for 4th of July weekend? Check out HYPERGENDER burlesque's Red White & Bruised, 10 PM, Saturday July 2nd! (tonight)