Friday, August 19, 2011


For those of you wondering what I've been up to since I last wrote an award winning light themed poem or had a mermaid party on a boat, well, I've been busy, and let's just leave it at that - ok, fine, I'll tell you!

I wrote a new song, I've been doing shows around town and now -- drum roll please -- I've got a big huge audition coming up tomorrow for a major network television pilot.

Now, typically, I'd project a warm bright "I can do this" image out there while doing a whole bunch of self doubting on the inside, but I read this great list of "lady audition suggestions" by J. C. Wellingsworth, who was a celebrated women's acting coach from the 1890s, so I'm feeling pretty confident.

Not much is known about Lady Wellingsworth, as she passed away at the ripe old age of 20, due to the common cold.

Lady Wellingsworth in her prime

I'm going to share some of my favorite of her tips with you.

1. Always be sure to practice your remember-ables in the dark of nigh or basement, or whilst confined to the attic during the devil's days (menses) to keep from attracting the menfolk's whippings, delivered by salted switches or strips of leather.

2. Gargle slippery elm before delivering one's lines, and don't forget to spit the water back into a vessel to save for drinking or bathing with later.

3. Never do actings when the moon is full, as it may make our lord curse you with freckled hen fever or rheumatoid back-ne.

4. Don't forget to line a performing stomache with the actor's traditional preparatorial meal:

-- 2 jiggers hand-churned bathtub whiskey
-- a quarter chicken, hastily feathered, cooked in boiled ham butter
-- hot cross buns aplenty, smothered with yam jam and nutmeg jelly
-- smashed cinnamon-ed apples (to invite the spirit of actors passed to give you strength)
-- whole holed potatoes (for plebeians, this is so one might insert said fingers into holes to wear potatoes as gloves for convenient eating purposes)

x 2

A daily meal of above said indulgences will create the "lady actor's posterior" which hence one's dress might fall daintily across the buttocks creating a "back buttocks table" of sorts.

5. Have fun, and don't forget to "get purple measles!"

Ed. note -- Thanks, Mme. Wellingsworth, may you rest in peace.

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