Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Holiday Craft Season Is ON!

Some of you look forward to Black Friday for shopping purposes, others like it because it means that Thanksgiving is over and you can get away from your emotionally retarded aunt or a freakishly stupid person who you are ashamed to be related to.

I hear ya!

But the reason I love Black Friday, besides the fact that it's called "Black Friday" (how bad ass does that sound? It's definitely the best named "day" of the year) is because it means my holiday crafting festivities are an official "go".

Crafting may sound boring to you, but that's because you are boring. To me, crafting is just a blank canvas for which I can craft upon. It's kind of like how guys go to baseball games so they can drink and bang chicks who like dudes who wear baseball themed clothing. Our crafting sessions can get pretty wild! Much like baseball watching parties, there is the copious amounts of alcohol and plenty of food and snacks. How do you think I keep this big ass all big and ass-y? Craft season. (My ass was Kardashian before hers was.)

And when girls get together and drink, they talk, and that's fun. We talk about everyday stuff, of course, but there are always lots of fun sex stories - some of which could be those little horny stories in the beginning of older Playboy or Hustler mags. I'm always kind of shocked, impressed and delighted at the dirty shit that comes out of my sometimes socially uptight friend's mouths after they've had a drink or two. It cements my belief that the world is dirty and we might as well embrace it in the form of song.

To make matters even more exciting, my man is taking off for a week to go do a job in Germany, so that means I get to have my whole place to myself to spread out all my glitter and paper pieces and plastic knick knacks I've been saving for a decade and fit them all together while the neurons in my brain explode with happiness and I watch Stella and drink and my cat sits on whatever I'm working on incessantly and my friends bring their crap over and we talk about how to trick this or that fella into loving this or that girl.

When we're done, I have about 40 dozen tampons cut into trees and stars of david ornaments, two of which I stick into my ears, because they are bleeding. Gross! And then I sell this stuff on Ebay. Whooo! (see photo above) This year, I'm selling packs of 3 for $10.

But wait, why read my blatherings when you can just listen to a song I wrote about it - it's called the Crafter's Anthem - enjoy!

And speaking of songs, here's my classic stoner Thanksgiving jam, "Happy Stoned Thanksgiving". If you'd rather hear my songs wwooooaahhhh - on the radio - no problem. Listen for "Only A Stranger's Cock" on The Red Peters show on SiriusXM's Howard 101 Channel -

Thursday (Thanksgiving) at 5
Friday at 10
Saturday at 7
Sunday at 4

I'll be in the 2nd section. If you're not familiar with Red Peters, check him out. He loves dirty songs, just like me.

If you'd like to own my Christmas CD, "Perfect Holidays"

or buy it on Etsy and have the actual CD for a little less.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. This year I'm thankful for the same things I'm thankful for every year - sappy stuff, snarky stuff and pharmaceuticals.


1 comment:

Peter said...

Hi Jessy,

I am interesting in featuring you on

Best Regards,