FOOD WARNINGS

When I was in the UK a few years ago, I noticed there were warning labels on the cigarette packages. It was pretty hard not to notice them, in fact. They featured graphic images of charred body parts and rotting teeth, with a sans serif font that said something simple, like, "Warning: Smoking Causes Cancer".

Excepting a rare scenario of a person who just never, ever read or listened to anything ever, most people probably already know that. But something about seeing that disgusting imagery really drives it home for others. Personally, it didn't affect me much. What made me quit or greatly reduce smoking anyway (I admit, I'm known to puff puff pass a "bone" as my mother lovingly refers to it, now and then) was my Grandfather, a life long smoker, contracting emphysema. I didn't quit because I was afraid I might get emphysema, or because I thought smoking would reduce that chance, I quit to honor and respect the memory of someone now gone who I still love and miss every day, very much.

I heard warning labels were coming to the US but I haven't even really seen a pack of cigarettes in so long, I don't know if they feature labels or not. But I had an idea -- if putting warning labels on cigarettes works, maybe it could also help for food -- something I am very much addicted to. I used my old college art skills to whip up a few mock labels:

As 2012 shuffled in, I confirmed my own food addiction. I've been a comfort eater since way back. My sisters and I weren't allowed to eat sugar very much as kids, because we would just get too crazy if hopped up on high fructose. But as I got older and could make my own decisions, I rebelled in a sense, and ate a lot of candy, and started wearing white all the time, two things we weren't allowed to do, in an attempt to find control in my adult life.

So it's slightly ironic that I turn the tides in an attempt to try to regain control which I don't need to fight for anymore: I've decided I Will Lose 25 Pounds This Year.

25 big ones! Now if you look at me, I'm not an obese or even a fat person. Most would refer to me as "medium" or "average", I've also heard "big boned", "stocky", "athletic", "curvy" and "built like a brick shit house".

So, why lose this weight?

- Practicality. I don't need it. I'm not running marathons on a regular basis. My home is equipped with a heating system, albeit not a great one, I can just 'put on a sweater' as dad's hearty dad voice still echoes through my head when I get chilly. I'm not eating for 2, at least, not officially. I'm not a wrestler or a pro-athlete. I'm a musician and entertainer, and I don't know if any of you have turned on the TV any time recently, but there are not that many fat people in lead roles of important shows.

- Vanity. I don't want it. I have a pair of really cool Diesel jeans in my closet that I've never been able to wear because they are too small. I want to wear them before they go out of style.

- Health. If you don't know it yet, eating like an asshole kills. Unfortunately, it's cheaper to eat like a shit head than it is to eat responsibly. Places like Trader Joe's are blasting that baloney out of the water by offering reasonably priced sensible food options.

- Irrational fears. I re-watched "Silence of the Lambs" and I saw the Wild Bill scene, where he asks his poor victim, "Are you a size 14?" I realized, "Oh, no -- I'm just a few sizes away from being big enough that a man could wear me as a shirt".

- I need material for a new show. As a performer, I think this could be something fun to do and turn into a show. Who knows, if it turns out awesome, maybe I'll even take "I Will Lose 25 Pounds This Year" to Edinburgh. Perhaps it's not brand new territory, but I can put my own Delfino spin on it.

I'll keep you posted on my progress. So far, my plan is to monitor everything I put into my body and ask myself why I'm doing it. Is it because I'm hungry? Lonely? Craving something? It may seem like some real "white shit" to do, but dag blasted, I'm white, and that's the kind of shit I do. White shit.

I'm 160 pounds at my last weighing. At the end of this, I hope to be 135, which is no where near as skinny as the models at 5'9" are, but it's a good start, and I plan to do it without being anorexic. Mission: Impossible? Let's see what happens.

Update on my Video Project

a sneak peak still of Seth Herzog as "the robber"

It wouldn't be a video shoot and this wouldn't be NYC and I wouldn't be Jessica Delfino if this were a perfect and flawless endeavor. This project started out as a relatively benign 2012 resolution slash motivator and has turned into something of a super challenge, which is different and much less funded than a super PAC.

I've got a lot on my plate. This time, I may've bitten off more than I can proverbially chew, (2nd food metaphor in as many sentences) and that's coming from an Italian girl with a big mouth who loves to eat and hates portion control.

This is why so many artists live tortured existences and often die mysteriously in the night of drug overdoses and alcohol poisoning, not that you need to worry about that happening to me, not that you're worrying. I don't drink much and I don't use any drugs -- any more, unless you count pot brownies once every few full moons -- I sure don't count it. I'm more likely to get hit by a truck or get rebelled upon by my own vital organs.

If you have a day job, count your blessings, to some extent. You have a regular pay check, you probably have something that resembles health insurance, and you have some kind of accountability, which encourages you to show up on time. Sure, maybe your co-worker is a knob polisher, but hey, sometimes knobs need polishing. Accountability may not seem like such a pro, but believe me, sister, it is. Some days, I don't even have an actual reason to get out of bed, except that I have creative projects to tend to, or I want a Fresca.

I can't really complain, it's a good life. I work from home slash on stage, I spend my days giving birth to all my crazy little ideas (I make the octomom look like an amateur), I have a musical instrument in my hand for much of the day and my cat, though she doesn't love me as much as rely on me to open cans for her, is soft and shows me love by sleeping on my lap while I work.

Can anyone say "living the dream?"

I think I'm starting to feel a bit depressed because this past week has been really intense. I've been in front of my computer for most of the day for the past week, watching my own disappointed face with disappointment on my face. It's like an M.C. Escher painting. Seriously, though, no one should have to look at themselves for an extended amount of time. It's like water torture. Also, it's cold, and I don't like it when it's cold. Winter is Mother Nature's version of PMS.

The good news is, the deadline to deliver this video is rapidly approaching, and after I am done with this, it'll be time for the next project to begin -- I think it's planning a summer tour, but you never know with me. I could very well just go up onto the roof, spread my arms out wide and go where ever the wind takes me. Metaphorically, I mean, not literally. I'm talkin' bout being free, man, like a bird 'n shit. Going where the cool breeze blows. Summer will be here soon to banish the cold grip of the Winter-y sleep and I will ride it's coattails to someplace inviting and inhabitable.

Hang in there, and wish for me to do the same!

PS -- Read up on SOPA / PIPA and do whatever you can do. Also, don't forget to spay and neuter your pets. I'm Bob Barker, and you're watching The Price Is Right.

New Video Coming Soon

Yesterday, myself and a heaping handful of friends filmed a video in the East and West Villages of NYC. It was a beautiful crisp day with lots of crazy people about, including one quirky lady who scolded us for filming in Washington Square Park because we were interfering with her ability to feed the squirrels on one 3x5 foot area of the massive park.

I couldn't have asked for a better posse of peeps to help with the shoot and must mention them all here by name: our cast included Brooke Van Poppelen, Nancy Lombardo, Giulia Rozzi, Robert Funaro, Ryan Gajewski, David Carl, Seth Herzog, Andy Blitz and Wylie Richardson. Of course you can't make a balls out project without a kick ass crew, which I had in spades - Lucas OBryen, Shannon Kerner, Tina Trachtenburg, JP, David Scott, Clell Tickle and Angela Snellen. Clell and JP also jumped in and played parts in the video - what troopers! My bf even showed up and helped with lighting for a minute.

A shoot can't happen without snafus, and we had them, alright - we had an actor bail last minute, we had one cast member get literally stabbed in the finger and have to go to the hospital to get stitches, we had a little bit of light NYPD harassment for shooting without a permit (it's a real offense!) and we had the aforementioned squirrel incident. Other than that, it was a relatively painless shoot, save the brisk temperature and the long day.

Now comes the hard part - putting it all together.

We already got a little bit of press - one of my favorite local neighborhood websites plugged the shoot and took a few photos, like the one above by Bobby Williams. In it, you can almost make out a man lying in the garbage. We love EV Grieve! Thanks you guys with your eagle eyes, for giving us a shout out.

Also, if you'd like to see photos of a scene starring Robert Funaro, Giulia Rozzi and myself in 3D, check it out here.

I can't really give many details of the video right now, but let me just say, hey "industry", have your people call my people and we'll be in touch... :)

50 First Jokes

...was a complete blast / success / comedian conference / challenge / stress factory / treat / adventure. Way to go, John F. O'Donnell, for pulling off this cool show. I wrote a new song, which I'll record and post in a few days, and when video goes up, I'll link to it. It's about my constant dismay and irritation with life, my typical song muse.

Next stop: 50 First Jokes in LA, tomorrow (Friday) night. If you live on the west coast, go and check it out to hear Maria Bamford's first joke of the year, in addition to 49 others.