Wednesday, January 25, 2012


When I was in the UK a few years ago, I noticed there were warning labels on the cigarette packages. It was pretty hard not to notice them, in fact. They featured graphic images of charred body parts and rotting teeth, with a sans serif font that said something simple, like, "Warning: Smoking Causes Cancer".

Excepting a rare scenario of a person who just never, ever read or listened to anything ever, most people probably already know that. But something about seeing that disgusting imagery really drives it home for others. Personally, it didn't affect me much. What made me quit or greatly reduce smoking anyway (I admit, I'm known to puff puff pass a "bone" as my mother lovingly refers to it, now and then) was my Grandfather, a life long smoker, contracting emphysema. I didn't quit because I was afraid I might get emphysema, or because I thought smoking would reduce that chance, I quit to honor and respect the memory of someone now gone who I still love and miss every day, very much.

I heard warning labels were coming to the US but I haven't even really seen a pack of cigarettes in so long, I don't know if they feature labels or not. But I had an idea -- if putting warning labels on cigarettes works, maybe it could also help for food -- something I am very much addicted to. I used my old college art skills to whip up a few mock labels:

As 2012 shuffled in, I confirmed my own food addiction. I've been a comfort eater since way back. My sisters and I weren't allowed to eat sugar very much as kids, because we would just get too crazy if hopped up on high fructose. But as I got older and could make my own decisions, I rebelled in a sense, and ate a lot of candy, and started wearing white all the time, two things we weren't allowed to do, in an attempt to find control in my adult life.

So it's slightly ironic that I turn the tides in an attempt to try to regain control which I don't need to fight for anymore: I've decided I Will Lose 25 Pounds This Year.

25 big ones! Now if you look at me, I'm not an obese or even a fat person. Most would refer to me as "medium" or "average", I've also heard "big boned", "stocky", "athletic", "curvy" and "built like a brick shit house".

So, why lose this weight?

- Practicality. I don't need it. I'm not running marathons on a regular basis. My home is equipped with a heating system, albeit not a great one, I can just 'put on a sweater' as dad's hearty dad voice still echoes through my head when I get chilly. I'm not eating for 2, at least, not officially. I'm not a wrestler or a pro-athlete. I'm a musician and entertainer, and I don't know if any of you have turned on the TV any time recently, but there are not that many fat people in lead roles of important shows.

- Vanity. I don't want it. I have a pair of really cool Diesel jeans in my closet that I've never been able to wear because they are too small. I want to wear them before they go out of style.

- Health. If you don't know it yet, eating like an asshole kills. Unfortunately, it's cheaper to eat like a shit head than it is to eat responsibly. Places like Trader Joe's are blasting that baloney out of the water by offering reasonably priced sensible food options.

- Irrational fears. I re-watched "Silence of the Lambs" and I saw the Wild Bill scene, where he asks his poor victim, "Are you a size 14?" I realized, "Oh, no -- I'm just a few sizes away from being big enough that a man could wear me as a shirt".

- I need material for a new show. As a performer, I think this could be something fun to do and turn into a show. Who knows, if it turns out awesome, maybe I'll even take "I Will Lose 25 Pounds This Year" to Edinburgh. Perhaps it's not brand new territory, but I can put my own Delfino spin on it.

I'll keep you posted on my progress. So far, my plan is to monitor everything I put into my body and ask myself why I'm doing it. Is it because I'm hungry? Lonely? Craving something? It may seem like some real "white shit" to do, but dag blasted, I'm white, and that's the kind of shit I do. White shit.

I'm 160 pounds at my last weighing. At the end of this, I hope to be 135, which is no where near as skinny as the models at 5'9" are, but it's a good start, and I plan to do it without being anorexic. Mission: Impossible? Let's see what happens.


Jim Pennington said...

Hey, I was laying around with darcy tonight watching your videos and thought I'd tell you how much I enjoyed them.

A lot.

There, I did it.

Hope to catch one of your shows if I/we/ anyone I know is in the vicinity.

Also, Good luck losing that 25 pounds. I just accidentally lost fifteen. All you really need is a good strong dose of typical self-loathing combined with a move to a city with fucking horrible food at every turn. I highly recommend it. You too can wake up, look at your svelte abs, and wonder just precisely how long it will be before you:
a) cover them back up with happiness and disgusting layer of blubber
b)leap from the tallest building you can find, which unfortunately in this town is about three stories. Goddammit, I don't want to be hobbled. I guess I'll just settle for making crepes for everyone and then laying around in a heap of all their slender limbs watching youtube.

Yanna said...

I love this post! More like this - more diet tips. I am not fat either but I know what you mean. If I lost a few pounds I think I'd be the size that flatters my body the best!! PS Love the magic song, you seem like you have a fun life.