Friday, February 3, 2012

so far, so good

Put your hands up in the air if you're also a 5'9" amazonian woman who weighs a whopping 155 pounds.

And then try bending down and touching your toes.

Repeat about 10,000 times, because no matter what your flattering, probably also a few pounds overweight friends say, you are at least a little bit chunky. And by you, I mean me.

It's called projection, and it works. I'm still on my dietary kick, and last I weighed myself, I was 155 pounds, which means I've lost 5 pounds. Only 20 to go.

If you're just tuning in, I'll reiterate my goofy plan. I have a goal this year to lose 25 pounds. I don't expect it to happen over night, and I don't expect it to be easy, and I don't expect it to happen at all. But that's the goal and the plan, and if I wanted it as much as I wanted to eat ice cream for breakfast and pasta for dinner every night, I'd be 130 pounds in a week.

If you think I sound like I'm out of my mind, consider this - first of all, I partially am, but not in a bad way, in a kooky artist way. Second of all, I saw a hire notice today for models that had to be at least 5'9" and between a size 0 to 4. 0 to - YES YOU READ CORRECTLY - 4. That means that if, say, they're one of those taller 5'11 models, they could be a little fatter, say a size 3 or 4, because you can't lose bone, no matter how much you starve yourself. Therefore, someplace in the world, there are a mass of 5'9" women are a size 0, and I want to be a member of that massless mass.

I'm willing to share what I'm learning and gathering so all you "skinny girls" and "skinny boys" can lose the weight that you want to lose. I don't want to hog all the tips! I don't think I'm obese, I don't think I'm fat, I don't have body image problems. I think I'm hot, and that line should be read with the cadence of one of those chicks from the Maury Povich show. But I also think that I eat like shit, and if I ate a little better in general, surely the weight would melt off. That's my hypothesis, so let's see if it pans out.

I want to add that I've been on this diet since Jan 1 and I've lost 5 pounds in a month. That's a very low and safe amount, I believe. I think some nutritionists would advise against losing more than a couple pounds a week. I've been making mistakes. I've eaten sweets. I have been eating at restaurants. But I have been cutting back here and there and it's made a noticeable difference.

Today, I will share bona fide guaranteed suggestions of things absolutely not to eat under really almost any circumstances. When I say don't eat them, I mean, don't eat them. But if you must eat them, fine, just don't be a jerk about it, don't put them into daily rotation, and get off your ass the next day, like, a lot.

Foods To Avoid

Bread: Do not eat it. Ever.

Why: Because it is white, high-fructose-y carbs. Even much wheat bread is mostly sugar, the bad kind, and even that good hearty yummy brown nutty bread still contains fructose and empty carbs. Avoid bagels, crackers, granola, cereal, most kinds of pasta and anything white. Avoid it all. Avoid it like it has AIDS.

What to eat instead: Nothing. Air. Communion wafers. If you are really dying for some bread, stop being a baby, wrap your sandwich fixins up in a big ol' slab a' green lettuce and eat the crap out of that crap.

Ice Cream: Don't even mess around with it.

Why: This is a no brainer. If someone has to tell you why you shouldn't eat ice cream if you are trying to watch your weight or improve your health, you probably already have diabetes.

What to eat instead: Mix frozen fruit in a blender with a small amount of rice milk or non-fat non-dairy creamer and one packet of splenda. Blend. If you mix the parts right, it will come out the consistency of frozen baby shit and will make your chubby little day. You can eat that with a spoon for breakfast, lunch and dinner, or until you experience kidney failure from lack of actual nutrition.

Potatoes: Yes, I'm serious.

Why: They are kind of like bread masquerading as a vegetable; a wanna be, if you will. Don't eat most kinds of potatoes in any form, including potato chips, french fries, potatoes au gratin, potato latkes, McDonald's hash browns, smashed potatoes, or potato salad, also known as, "the fat man's salad" or "not a salad".

What to eat instead: Not other types of potatoes. If you're dying for a potato, eat a small baked sweet potato with some yogurt on it, which is kind of the same as wanting a cupcake but instead eating a literal piece of homeless person feces. That's what people like you and I get for being in possession of an average metabolism.

Pasta: It's a no brainer.

Why: Pasta is kind of like the bread of Italian people, and they typically also eat their own brand of Italian bread with it. If you're doing the math, that's bread with a side of bread. (See above for why not to eat bread, and don't eat bread.) Pasta and noodles are in virtually everything, it seems, from soups to spaghetti to being the only thing in your boyfriend's cabinet, so it's hard to avoid it, but if you want to live to be older than 50, don't eat pasta or noodles, and especially not oodles of noodles.

What to eat instead: Your significant other's bathing suit areas, which I might add are not calorie free, but pretty darn close to it.

Anything from McDonalds, toxic chemicals: Don't eat toxic chemicals.

Why: Fast food is processed using literally some of the same chemicals and poisons that people use to clean their houses, which are illegal to sell for consumption in most arenas, for obvious reasons. Would you eat chlorine from the bottle that's been sitting untouched under your bathroom sink since you first moved in to your unkept apartment? No, so then why eat it as an ingredient in your food, ya dumb ding dong? Don't eat poison.

What to eat instead: Tree bark, small pebbles, grains of sand, and anything else on the PICA menu, the disease that people have who eat cigarette butts and couch cushion stuffing.

Cheese: Irresponsibly, that is.

Why: This is a controversial one, but since you can't eat cheese like a responsible human being based on the bean bag chair's worth of additional flab attached to your stomach, then no cheese for you. While we're at it, let's cut out most dairy. No milk, cream, sour cream or butter either, because it goes straight to your fat.

What to eat instead: Yogurt, those round wheels of cheese like cheeses that have 35 calories each (one per meal), baby bellas, low fat cheese sticks, orange things, things that smell like socks, socks.

What CAN you eat, you may be asking? If removing the food items above from your diet has left your cupboard bare, you are so in luck. There are literally thousands of things not on your daily menu that actually taste quite good and are rather satisfying, including:

Steamed cauliflower with hummus, spinach salad with walnuts and cranberries, a spoonful of jam in lowfat cottage cheese, an entire jar of salsa with a spoon (heat it up for a hot, spicy soup), pasta sauce on a normal person's portion of whole wheat pasta, steamed chinese broccoli with soy sauce, black bean soup made from cooking black beans with a small amount of butter or margarine, blending and then eating with a generous scoop of lowfat yogurt on top, lean chicken, fish or beef, lettuce wraps with any of the above food items on them and so much more. If you're at a lack for healthy food items, google "things I can eat and not get fat eating" and have yourself a schmorgasbord.

Good luck!


Chris Ostrowski said...

Ok. I accept this wisdom. And having the need to lose at least 40 pounds myself, I will do my best to follow. But I have a serious question. While drinking, when the brain cannot distinguish between what is healthy and what is not, can the body? or is that like a free period?

Yours Truly said...

Oh yeah, I forgot that one - NO BOOZE - and if you must, must drink, drink like a model / gay man - gin and tonics, red wine, lite beer, no more than 2. If you overdo it, no sweat, just get up off your ass tomorrow for real...

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J said...

does your boyfriend still like you? then don't worry about it.