Thursday, April 12, 2012

How (Not) To Give A Great BJ

Recently, I was...ya know...blowing...sucking...what's the scientific term for fellatio? Well, whatever it is, I had much of my boyfriend's penis in my mouth. It can be a pretty intimate time, as we all know, and a sensitive time, where you can broach certain topics that you just may not be able to find the right time for, say, during other times where less saliva is involved.

Incidentally, this is also a great time to ask for things -- favors, cable, puppies -- whatever.

During this moment, a thought crossed my mind. I'd never asked my boyfriend how he liked his bjs. I'd asked him how he liked his eggs (unfertilized), how he liked to be kissed (only by beautiful women), even how he'd like it if I told him to get lost, but never, "Hey, any special requests regarding my tongue around your man regions?"

There are a few reasons why this is, but mostly just one main one: I don't mean to brag, but I've always been told I give great bjs. There's no trickery, magic or rocket science involved. I use lots of saliva and just do a perfect impression of the chicks in porno movies. They all seem to know what they're doing. Why mess with a tried and true formula? No one has ever complained, or asked for anything different, so I assumed all was well. But in this moment, it occurred to me, hey, why not ask.

So, I removed my boyfriend's penis from my mouth, and said, "Hey, what do you like in a bj?" My boyfriend seemed kind of amused, and stammered for a second, as if to answer my question by not answering at all -- "I like you not to stop", I realize in hindsight, is probably what he was thinking. But at the time, I was oblivious, so I continued on. "How about this," I said. "What if I just show you a few different techniques, and you can tell me which one you like the best?" He smiled and agreed to be my scientific bj experiment.

But at that instant, I couldn't help myself. The timing was just too perfect. So I said, "OK, this first one is called the lazy sailor," and before I could illustrate, we both fell into a laughing fit so drawn out and furious, we collapsed in hysterics and he lost his boner. I didn't even get to illustrate the lazy sailor or any of my other bj techniques.

However, I did learn something very important to add to my oral pleasure tips cache -- that making jokes during bjs is not a strategy that is likely to result in the successful completion of one.

Yet, I think deep down somewhere, I probably already knew that.


Anonymous said...

I spit out the soda I was drinking when I read this, and some also went into my nose. Hilarious post.

Anonymous said...

Serious laughter doesn't do much for a stiffy. But you can always make up for it later.

B.J. said...

haaa what were the other techniques?