Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Big Dicks Are Big Business
-- the Vagina $ongs challenge --

I was listening to the comedy music station at, and it was pretty funny and rather entertaining. But after a little while, I started to make an interesting observation. Just about every other song was on the topic of dicks. Dick In A Box, I Have A Dick, My Big Old Dick, Where's My Dick?, Do You Like My Dick?, etc. There were a lot of statements, questions and inquiries about the infamous, age old topic of dick and other dickery.

Interestingly, I didn't hear any vagina songs. No Box In A Box, no I Have A Vagina, no My Big Old Vagina, no Where's My Vagina?, no Do You Like My Vagina? and certainly no My Pussy Is Magic, which was especially troublesome, since I sent it to Pandora awhile back and they said it was too dirty.

Now, peeps, this is not an angry feminist post about how I'm so pissed off that dicks rule the world and all that shit, because I thought the dick songs were hilarious. I enjoyed them immensely. And I understand what makes cock so great. I truly love it. I like big dicks, I like small dicks, freckled dicks, dicks with weird curves in them, dicks that I pretend are microphones, dicks that I pretend are stick shifts, dicks that smell like pizza, old dicks (they were once young and firm), whatever. Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses of dick. I love them all.

But COME THE FUCK ON, man. WHO doesn't love vaginas, I mean, besides lesbians? Wars are fought over them. Bar fights are fought over them. People act crazy as well as non-chalant over them. People spend a month's salary or more to be the proud or shameful owner of one. They are the Jaguars of body parts. Perhaps that's why they are called pussies.

In the 60s/70s, we had the sexual revolution, where women discovered how great the dick is, but we never had a sexual revolution where men discover how great the vagina is. It's still so underground. Only the really cool guys love and support vaginas, and all the shit head guys are all, "Well, let's see here, liking vaginas makes you weak, and weakness means you are a homosexual, therefore, anyone who supports women is a homosexual, and I don't support women, because I am not a homosexual" and that's faulty math. It goes more like this: "I support women, because I'm confident in myself, and I like vaginas, because I'm confident in myself."

So then, why are there so many dick songs and not any vagina songs on Pandora, etc? Because people who sell things don't know / aren't sure that there is money to be made on songs about vaginas. But there is, because anything that exists can be a money maker. Cases in point: the Shamwow, the Slinky, the Everlasting Gob Stopper, the dildo, jacks, Snooki.

So let's make some money -- and here's how.

I dare Hot 97, or any radio station, or Comedy Central or HBO or any major mainstream music or comedy source to take the Vagina $ongs Challenge: Put "My Pussy Is Magic" on the air and let's see what happens. If it becomes a success, whoever had the balls / vagina to play the song will share the benefit$. If everyone revolts or alternatively, does nothing at all, I'll stop writing songs about vaginas. Forever! You'll never hear another vagina song by me, ever again. You can even beep out the "pussy" part, fine. We all know it's there.

Just like the vagina itself. You can pretend it doesn't exist, and we can wear pants, but everyone knows it's down there, somewhere near the butt.

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