Dream Job
by Jessica Delfino

Last summer around this time I worked as a nanny on the upper east side. It was the craziest job I ever had with lots of neat perks. I got a free, albeit tiny apartment, a nice salary, and the kids I was supposed to be caring for were both at camp all summer. So I basically got paid to eat rich people food, jog in Central Park, walk the dog, which was one of those expensive trendy kinds, hang out in the Hamptons, and live in a castle of a home on Park Avenue.

The family who hired me was your typical rich Jewish family with lots of weird dilemmas. Working for them gave me all the knowledge I have of Jewish New York. Before them, I had really never known anything at all about Jewish culture or religion, either real or perceived, besides one or two stereotypes I totally still believe. I got some insight on a different brand of living that I might have never gotten to experience otherwise, and I value the time I spent there. However, paying no mind to race or religion, I should have known when the mom said "It would be an honor and a privilige to you should we hire you to work in our home" that things might get a little psychotic.

And they did. I got fired shortly after the children returned from camp when the teenager told her mother I was stealing her clothes and yelling at her all the time. That's not the real story, and I'm not even going to tell it, because it is so very petty and boring.

STILL, even having had this vanilla extract/vanilla syrup-y experience, I would do it again. I might change a few things, set the scenario up differently from the beginning, and make sure the lines of communication were wide open. If I were seeking a job like this today, this might be my posting, which leads us incidentally to another....

JOB SEARCH SELF-SABOTAGE
by Jessica Delfino

Wanted - crazy rich people to hire me to do their weird errands.
I will charge an exorbitant amount per the hour and possibly go
over the boundaries of 'hired help' but you will get a great assistant
who is smart, hot and willing and able to deal with rich person crap.
I'll play the part of sophisticated socialite youngster with a job to do,
and you be your loaded, generous, insane self. It'll be like a sitcom,
but without all the hilarity ensuing. Willing to do all kinds of ridiculous,
unimportant tasks, including care for your children and walk your fancy dog.
Job must include perks like going to the Hamptons with you, staying at
your big house and driving your kick-ass car. Also, I should get to attend
any big rich people parties you are putting on, because I'll have done most
of the work. PS I am seeking only crazies or eccentrics, no assholes,
please. Must be prepared to be lampooned on an internet journal if you fire me.

If you read this and are interested in hiring me or buying me a present,
you can contact me at jessicadelfino@aol.com.

A LOOK INTO JOB SEARCH SELF-SABOTAGE
by Jessica Delfino

Comedy is going okay lately and I've even got a bit of dough stored up, but even so, I always
feel guity about not "working." I mean, I do work, but I don't have a legitimate job and by a
legitimate job I mean one that is boring, underpaid and void of any creativity or interest.

Since I am fine with that, but I feel slightly guilty for not having more money, I have decided to
compromise by applying for jobs, but just making sure I don't get hired.

JOB SEARCH SELF-SABOTAGE
by Jessica Delfino

Reply to: Terry@xxxyyy.com
Date: 2003-06-14, 12:32PM

Men and Women, ages 25 - 55 needed for focus group about TV's on Tuesday evening 6/17. If you have
recently purchased a Toshiba, Samsung or Hitachi TV you may qualify for participation. If qualified you
will receive $75 CASH for the group. you must be TELEPHONE screened to qualify. If interested call TERRY.
Please leave name, phone number age and type of TV you purchased. (If you have previously
called for our home entertainment study, please do not call again).

Dear Terry

How are you? I'm writing to let you know I would be interested in being in your focus group about
the tv's. I must be honest, I did not recently purchase a Samsung, Toshiba or a Hitachi tv.
I actually saw a Hitachi in the store I liked a ton but my husband insisted on purchasing an
Omnivision set because he says the japs make his skin crawl and his brain hiss. I don't know what
he meant by that, but I love him and as his loving wife, I try to put up with his inappropriate
anti-racial slurs and other shortcomings. I give him extra credit because he was in the war.
We all have our faults, Terry.

Anyway, I think I will go ahead and give you a call, but first I wanted to send an e-mail to let
you know I'm going to call.

I want to add, Terry, it says in the listing to leave your age. I am 56, not that it's anyone's
business, and I'd rather not have to leave it again when I call on the telephone. I don't want
my age floating around across all those wires, who knows who might be listening in on a wire tap,
or as my husband always says, 'snooping around like some kind of jap.'

I don't really need to work. My husband makes a good living as a city police officer, and all the
kids are grown, so that leaves me with a lot of free time. However, I do like to make my own money.
I saw a great tablecloth at Daffy's the other day that I really want to buy, and also a
belt at the Gap with all kinds of bright shapes and colors on it. I was wondering, do you
think that little children really make those things in sweatshops like they say? If so,
what a great bargain! To think that I got to purchase an item made painstakingly by a child
so that her entire family could eat. This world is an amazing place.

Thanks so much for your time and significance in my life,
Shirl

JOB SEARCH SELF-SABOTAGE

Reply to: Rachael11375@xxxyyy.com
Date: 2003-06-14, 9:35AM

I'm looking for a handy person who is able to do some physical labor. I need someone who has their own
tools to clean the front yard, back yard and side. The majority of area is cemented so the job invloves
pulling weeds, sweeping, pruning,cleaning out a small plastic fish tank and replacing a garden faucet.
Compensation: $20 per hour

Hey Rachel

You don't know me, but I saw your ad on Craig's list and I am very handy. My name is Taylor, and I can
do a lot of different things. I can fix things, I can tie things together with a series of knots I
learned while I was in the Marine Reserves, I also have a knife which I use for whittling and stabbing!
Just kidding.

I also want to tell you, I have a lot of great tools. I spent a lot of money on my tool collection,
and these are the things I have: hammer, screwdriver, wrench, chisel, saw, pick axe, nails, screws, lawn
mower, batteries, a mallot, a fork lift, cement, and some 2x4's. I could build a small coffin for burial
in a shallow grave with all this stuff! Just kidding! I swear.

So, it sounds like you live in a dirty place. I don't do cleaning, so you'd have to find someone else
to pick up weeds and sweep and whatever you want people to do with the fish tank, that sounds like the
kind of work a woman does, not a handy man. I note you said person, but most people associate the term
handy with man, and I think you probably know that.

In closing, I could probably replace the garden faucet, and if there's anything else you need fixed or
whatever, I could probably figure that out, too. Also, $20 per hour is more than fair, considering I
plan to rob you blind at gunpoint.

I'm totally kidding! Please give me a call when you get a chance.

Your handyman,
Taylor

JOB SEARCH SELF-SABOTAGE

Reply to: employment@xxxyyy.com
Date: 2003-06-14, 7:18AM

Attractive Ladies (18 - 25yrs old) Needed to
Perform Foot Fetish Sessions at Midtown Fetish Club.
No Nudity or Sex involved.
Completely Legal & Legit Business.
Pleasant & Safe Atmosphere.
Earn Cash & Have Fun.
No cameras or Pictures Taken.
Compensation: $300 - $500 a Night

To Whom It May Concern:

I am interested in having fun at your foot fetish parties. I am a young
lady who has perfect feet. This is the thing. I'm 12. I know you said 18-25,
but let me assure you - my feet are absolutely immaculate. I do foot modeling
for JC Penny's catalogs and Sketchers sneakers.

I am very smart for a young girl, and very outgoing. Also, my body is
tight. I think that I am just the thing you need to get your party jammin'.
Everyone will be talking about the girl with perfect feet for years to come.

Just to let you know, I've spoken with my guardian about this and she has
agreed to let me go. I have the appropriate working papers from being a
foot model already, and my mom trusts me. She already told me not to do
anything stupid, like jack off a guy with my feet or whatever, so I know
what not to do.

Thanks a lot, I hope to meet you there.

Signed,
Mandy

---------------READING ------------------------------------------------------
You are invited to a reading I will be featured in on
Monday, June 16th, 2003 at:

TelReadings @Telephone Bar
149 2nd Ave New York NY @ 9th St.
(212) 529-5000

MY FANTASY BIRTHDAY WISH LIST

1. Walid's Mitsubishi Montero - For those of you who got to ride in the Montero last summer, you know what I'm talking about.
It was a minty/lime combo green SUV-like thing that was just as much fun as a bag full of shit (the good kind of shit).
I miss that old box. For those of you who didn't ride in it, you might recognize it from a joke I tell where the window of "my"
car got smashed out and I got punched by a fat weirdo. That was the Mitsubishi. So, if any of you can make that happen,
that's #1 on my wish list.

2. A guitar backback thing. It sucks carrying a 30 lb. guitar case every time I want to go play in the subway, thus taking money
away from the homeless, or even just play at some bar, where there are no homeless, at least not on the inside.

3. Improv Level 1 class at UCB. It's $300 bucks. That's a lot of subway music.

4. I want my Fender Amp Can to work like it used to before that kid knocked it on the floor at Believe Chicken.

5. One of those fancy Sprint camera phones like the one Travis Poston and Jay have. Fuck you, you spoiled assholes.

6. I'd like my college loan and all relating paperwork to magically disappear.

7. World Peace.

8. A kitchen table so I don't have to eat sitting on my bed anymore.

9. Tom Robbins - Skinny Legs and All, Chuck Palaniak - Choke

10. A Mini Disk player (and a lifetime supply of minidisks, also someone to do all the minidisk arranging or
whatever)

11. One of those fat Panasonic or Sony movie video cameras

12. Fancy french perfume, or a string of real pearls, or both.

13. Gift certificates for exorbitant amounts to the following: Bergdorf Goodman's, Century 21, Circuit City,
and every single other store in NYC. Especially that porno shop near 40th and 8th.

14. To be Jewish in New York City, just for a day.

15. I'd like Joni Mitchell to be at my birthday party, and also Edward Furlong and Edward Norton,
sans Penelope Cruz. I'd also like to have a three-way with the two Edwards.

There are a bunch of other things, too, but who gives a crap, really?


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm turning 27 - I swear to Christ!

MY BIRTHDAY PARTY is going to be on Saturday night,
June 7th at
Swift Hibernian Lounge --
aka "SWIFT"
(In the back room)
34 E 4th St (@ Bowery)
New York NY
(212) 260-3600
10:30, 11 to all night long
It's right next door to Bowery Bar

They have awesome food and a ton of draught beers, good
music and serve food until 4 am.
It's not expensive, either. Also, there is a
treacherous set of
stairs leading down to the bathroom, so that
could be fun.

Hope to see you all there...