Saturday, June 14, 2003

by Jessica Delfino

Comedy is going okay lately and I've even got a bit of dough stored up, but even so, I always
feel guity about not "working." I mean, I do work, but I don't have a legitimate job and by a
legitimate job I mean one that is boring, underpaid and void of any creativity or interest.

Since I am fine with that, but I feel slightly guilty for not having more money, I have decided to
compromise by applying for jobs, but just making sure I don't get hired.

by Jessica Delfino

Reply to:
Date: 2003-06-14, 12:32PM

Men and Women, ages 25 - 55 needed for focus group about TV's on Tuesday evening 6/17. If you have
recently purchased a Toshiba, Samsung or Hitachi TV you may qualify for participation. If qualified you
will receive $75 CASH for the group. you must be TELEPHONE screened to qualify. If interested call TERRY.
Please leave name, phone number age and type of TV you purchased. (If you have previously
called for our home entertainment study, please do not call again).

Dear Terry

How are you? I'm writing to let you know I would be interested in being in your focus group about
the tv's. I must be honest, I did not recently purchase a Samsung, Toshiba or a Hitachi tv.
I actually saw a Hitachi in the store I liked a ton but my husband insisted on purchasing an
Omnivision set because he says the japs make his skin crawl and his brain hiss. I don't know what
he meant by that, but I love him and as his loving wife, I try to put up with his inappropriate
anti-racial slurs and other shortcomings. I give him extra credit because he was in the war.
We all have our faults, Terry.

Anyway, I think I will go ahead and give you a call, but first I wanted to send an e-mail to let
you know I'm going to call.

I want to add, Terry, it says in the listing to leave your age. I am 56, not that it's anyone's
business, and I'd rather not have to leave it again when I call on the telephone. I don't want
my age floating around across all those wires, who knows who might be listening in on a wire tap,
or as my husband always says, 'snooping around like some kind of jap.'

I don't really need to work. My husband makes a good living as a city police officer, and all the
kids are grown, so that leaves me with a lot of free time. However, I do like to make my own money.
I saw a great tablecloth at Daffy's the other day that I really want to buy, and also a
belt at the Gap with all kinds of bright shapes and colors on it. I was wondering, do you
think that little children really make those things in sweatshops like they say? If so,
what a great bargain! To think that I got to purchase an item made painstakingly by a child
so that her entire family could eat. This world is an amazing place.

Thanks so much for your time and significance in my life,


Reply to:
Date: 2003-06-14, 9:35AM

I'm looking for a handy person who is able to do some physical labor. I need someone who has their own
tools to clean the front yard, back yard and side. The majority of area is cemented so the job invloves
pulling weeds, sweeping, pruning,cleaning out a small plastic fish tank and replacing a garden faucet.
Compensation: $20 per hour

Hey Rachel

You don't know me, but I saw your ad on Craig's list and I am very handy. My name is Taylor, and I can
do a lot of different things. I can fix things, I can tie things together with a series of knots I
learned while I was in the Marine Reserves, I also have a knife which I use for whittling and stabbing!
Just kidding.

I also want to tell you, I have a lot of great tools. I spent a lot of money on my tool collection,
and these are the things I have: hammer, screwdriver, wrench, chisel, saw, pick axe, nails, screws, lawn
mower, batteries, a mallot, a fork lift, cement, and some 2x4's. I could build a small coffin for burial
in a shallow grave with all this stuff! Just kidding! I swear.

So, it sounds like you live in a dirty place. I don't do cleaning, so you'd have to find someone else
to pick up weeds and sweep and whatever you want people to do with the fish tank, that sounds like the
kind of work a woman does, not a handy man. I note you said person, but most people associate the term
handy with man, and I think you probably know that.

In closing, I could probably replace the garden faucet, and if there's anything else you need fixed or
whatever, I could probably figure that out, too. Also, $20 per hour is more than fair, considering I
plan to rob you blind at gunpoint.

I'm totally kidding! Please give me a call when you get a chance.

Your handyman,


Reply to:
Date: 2003-06-14, 7:18AM

Attractive Ladies (18 - 25yrs old) Needed to
Perform Foot Fetish Sessions at Midtown Fetish Club.
No Nudity or Sex involved.
Completely Legal & Legit Business.
Pleasant & Safe Atmosphere.
Earn Cash & Have Fun.
No cameras or Pictures Taken.
Compensation: $300 - $500 a Night

To Whom It May Concern:

I am interested in having fun at your foot fetish parties. I am a young
lady who has perfect feet. This is the thing. I'm 12. I know you said 18-25,
but let me assure you - my feet are absolutely immaculate. I do foot modeling
for JC Penny's catalogs and Sketchers sneakers.

I am very smart for a young girl, and very outgoing. Also, my body is
tight. I think that I am just the thing you need to get your party jammin'.
Everyone will be talking about the girl with perfect feet for years to come.

Just to let you know, I've spoken with my guardian about this and she has
agreed to let me go. I have the appropriate working papers from being a
foot model already, and my mom trusts me. She already told me not to do
anything stupid, like jack off a guy with my feet or whatever, so I know
what not to do.

Thanks a lot, I hope to meet you there.


---------------READING ------------------------------------------------------
You are invited to a reading I will be featured in on
Monday, June 16th, 2003 at:

TelReadings @Telephone Bar
149 2nd Ave New York NY @ 9th St.
(212) 529-5000

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