Jessy Delfino's Blog

FIGURATIVE MEAL
by Jessica Delfino

*Note: The reason I call this one "Figurative Meal" is because a Jesus loving pamphlet I came across in the subway said, "Are you spiritually hungry?" And, as even my thoughts are sarcastic, my mental reply was, 'I am kind of spiritually hungry. I could probably go for a figurative meal right about now.' Later, that pamphlet inspired me to write:

FIGURATIVE MEAL

EMCEE
Welcome everyone, to the Women's Collective sponsored by Christ. Here, women come
together in a peaceful, safe environment to discuss issues that are important to women.
If you are spiritually hungry, we will give you a delicious figurative meal. Let's all say
hello to everyone in the way that we do.

EVERYONE (singing as in up the scale)
Hello - hello - hello - hello!

EMCEE
Great. That was terrific.
(Everyone claps and cheers.)

EMCEE
And let's say hello to our new guest, Alice.

EVERYONE
Hello - hello - hello - hello -
(yells out)
Alice!

ALICE
(a bit timid)
Hi.

EMCEE
It is a custom that your first time here, you have to speak first.
So, GO.

ALICE
What should I say?

EMCEE
I can't tell you what to say. Maybe you can ask Christ to tell you.
Or we can all ask Christ to tell her, right, ladies?

LADIES
(nodding, yessing)

EMCEE
Would you like us to ask Christ to tell you what to say?

ALICE
No, no, that's okay, he's probably busy or something. I'll just say
why I came here.

EMCEE
OK, go.

ALICE
I'm here because my pussy is acting funny.

EVERYONE SEEMS TAKEN ABACK.

ALICE
My pussy aches when I get fucked, and I've been geting cramps up in there, and I think I
have cancer in my cunt.

EMCEE
My, goodness. So, your vagin-

ALICE
I prefer you use the word pussy or cunt.

EMCEE
OK, let me understand this, now. Your pubic ar-

ALICE
(interrupting her)
PLEASE!
(pause)
Pussy or cunt.

EMCEE
Are you a christian?

ALICE
Yes, ma'am!

EMCEE
Then you know, my child, that to use certain terms for one's anatomy
is a sin against Christ.

ALICE
Why? He invented man and man invented the words, and now I'm using them.

EMCEE
I am sensing a lot of pain and anger in your voice.

ALICE
Yeah, my pussy hurts, and I'm pissed off.

EMCEE
What would you like me to do for you?

ALICE
Please, pray for me.

EMCEE
Would you like to lead us in prayer?

ALICE
No, you, please.

EMCEE
Um, okay. Dear God, please let Alice feel better. She is hurting, Lord.

ALICE
(meekly)
In my pussy.

EMCEE
She is hurting badly and she needs a spiritual shower to wash away
the pain.

ALICE
Make sure he knows, the pain is in my pussy.

EMCEE
Please, Lord. Make the pain go away.

ALICE
The pain in my pussy!

EMCEE
In your name we pray, amen.
OK, who would like to go next?

BETH
I would.

EMCEE
OK, wonderful. Let's all say hello to Beth.

EVERYONE
Hello hello hello hello - BETH!

EMCEE
What would you like to talk about, Beth?

BETH
My asshole is itching a lot lately. Does that mean I have cancer in my asshole or
is it probably just from having too much anal sex?