Sunday, May 16, 2004


Please, no food or drinks here. We need to keep this space clear for books, pencils, erasers, homework, mp3 players, cellphones and pieces of paper or gum wrappers. If you set your food here, it could spill over, causing a mess. Then, someone would have to come and clean it up. We know, we know, we do pay people upwards of $7 per hour in the event of a spill, but heaven forbid they should have to put down their copy of Newsweek (which they really barely understand) and pick up a sponge or rag and wipe up some crumbs or soda droplets. Speaking of soda droplets, or soda, that is one of the drinks you are not allowed to place here. Please also note, we will not tolerate you placing any other drinks here either - no chocolate milk, no mango juice, no lemonade, no water (we know, we know, water doesn't stain, but what if....just what if?) no olive martinis, no fresca, no vitamin water, no sparkling cider, no beverages of any kind, not even something that is technically not a beverage but is somewhat runny, such as chutney or maraschino cherry leavings. Just no drinks! Get it?

We know you are an adult, and that you probably won't make a mess, but what if you do? What if you do? Are YOU going to clean it up? No. You aren't. Are you going to even say you're sorry? Probably not. Have you ever knocked anything over at the grocery store? A jar of pimentos or mayonnaise, perhaps? And what did you do? Did you go and get the maintenance person and let them know that you knocked it over, apologize, offer to help clean it up? We bet not. You probably looked to your left, looked to your right, giggled, elbowed your friend and left it there for the poor black guy who works there so he can get some time reduced from his prison sentence to clean it up. NO WONDER BLACK PEOPLE HATE US!

Also, please don't stick your gum under the counter. That is gross, and unsanitary. Have you ever reached under a table or countertop and felt the lumpy cudlets clinging? How did it make you feel? Have you ever looked? Though it is kind of pretty, in those wads live people's saliva and small chunks of their gums and maybe pieces of food or crumbs and germs. Germs are going to kill us all someday. Have you ever heard of ebola? It's not made up. It's a real disease. It makes your eyes bleed and your nose fall off and your teeth fall out and then you just die. And everyone around you dies, too. I mean, we will all die someday, but do we have to die because of YOU?

Personally, I'd rather choose the way I get to die. I wish that when we were young, we got to pick how long we wanted to live until, then if we reached that age without incident, we could turn ourselves into the suicide clinics, like in Kurt Vonnegut's imaginings, and have them kill us any way we like. They could give us cancer, or they could ride over our faces with a bicycle with sharp pointy things tied to the bike tires, or shoot you with or without a silencer. But I don't mean to stray from the point, which is, please, please. No food or drinks here. Please.

It makes you look like a jerk when you disobey signs that were printed out on an expensive printer.

No comments: