PREGNANT is to HIGH, as MISCARRIAGE is to ____________?
by Jessica Delfino
Last night, friends Chelsea and David joined me for dinner at a japanese joint on St. Mark's Place that serves discount sushi. It makes me feel nervous to see half-priced sushi anywhere, because it indicates to me that the fish might try to murder me from the insides out with poisonous old fish magic. I usually don't eat fish because I am a vegetarian, but I was raised on fish (my dad sold seafood for a living) and it is an important source of nutrition for females, especially females who do not eat meat. I mostly ate seaweed salad and drank sake, my favorite hot booze.
After dinner, which David treated Chelsea and I to (thank you, David) Chelsea and I parted from David and headed towards the L train to go to Williamsburg for Todd Montessi's new show at Pete's Candy Store. I like Todd Montessi a lot, even though he is black. On the way there, this very skinny red-haired woman started kind of freaking out on the sidewalk, screaming and moaning and writhing in what appeared to be pain. Chelsea and I watched her for a moment, then I realized she was neither doing street performance art, nor just crazy. She was going into labor. She lifted up her shirt and exposed her humongous belly at us. I half expected a baby to leap out of her flesh, alien style, that's how fat she was in the stomach. Yet, her legs and arms were bones, bones, bones, and a bit of flesh. I seemed to be the only person around who was willing to help her, Chelsea was a bit frozen with shock or surprise or repulsion, so I ushered her to sit down. She sat, but mostly rolled around screaming on the sidewalk. She was unconsoleable and kept trying to stand up, but she seemed to be in too much pain to do much of anything besides wail. That's why doctors get paid so much - because pregnant women are cunts.
I called 911, and they are completely useless in every emergency I've ever had. The lady asked me 15 times where I was, and after I'd already told her 14 times, I realized she'd be of no help, so I just hung up on her. I hailed a taxi cab and asked the driver to take her to the hospital. He non-chalantly told me to call an ambulance. I tried to flag a police car that drove by, but neither of the two cops in the car saw me or the other seven people waving furiously at them. They must have been having a really in-depth conversation or singing a really good song on the radio. Maybe cleaning their weapons. Finally, an ambulance moseyed along. I had to literally leap in front of the ambulance to get them to stop. They seemed mad that I made them stop, because they were probably on their way to get some KFC or Wendy's or something. The girl had a friend with her who was covered in tattoos and appeared to be pretty high. I asked if she could help her from there and she answered me in half-english, half-a made up language that I used to speak, too, when I took a lot of acid.
As Chelsea and I walked away, quite shaken from the experience, we agreed that the pregnant lady seemed to be really fucked up on something and was maybe having a miscarriage. I wanted to call the hospital to find out, but we were on our way to a show!
I wonder what she was on, or if she was on anything at all. I know that pregnancy is painful, and I imagine that miscarrying is even more painful, but I've seen my mother in labor several times, and this lady was OUT of it.
At the show, Chelsea had a nice little set. She's so funny I fucking can't stand her!
SO, this is what is going on in my life right now, and these are the people who I am pissed at.
I am really pissed at my sister Abby because she keeps writing retarded and obnoxious comments on my message boards. I get enough assholes who write stupid comments, and I wish one of those assholes was not my sister. What a dick! She told me the other day that she thought I could do better and not write what she called, "pussy rock." But when Liz Phair wrote pussy rock, it was inspirational.
I am also really pissed at Jeff Singer, booker of Luna Lounge's Eating It. He e-mailed me today asking me if I got his e-mail he sent three weeks ago, which I had not, so I called him and we talked for awhile. I sent him a tape last season to perform at Eating It, and he said maybe this season he'd book me. He did book me last season for the 50 in 50 show, but he said that he wasn't going to book me on Eating It this season to do a full set because my style isn't right for Eating It, not to say that maybe it will be good for something else, and not to say that he doesn't like me, and he thinks that what I do is interesting and creative, it's just that most of my stuff is very easy, mostly just jokes about sexual stuff.
I started to feel upset at him for a moment, because I feel that if someone doesn't like me and the art I make, then that someone is probably an idiot. Then I realized that simply put, he's not into it, it being what I do. (He thinks I just make pussy jokes! Anyone who thinks my songs and jokes are merely pussy jokes is what is known in my brain as an IGNORANT ANUS.) But a lot of people DO get me, and those people are intelligent, open-minded and usually good at math. We chatted for a bit and found out we have some things in common, like he's from Canada, and I got banned from Canada on an international drug smuggling charge (my friend brought a joint on our journey into Canada to get a case of Molson XXX, extra strong beer they don't sell in the US. Jeff even said "aboot". I swear he did, and I called him on it, but he denied it.) We also both like Genesis and went to see the Musical Box tribute show (our seats were one row apart in front of eachother. Creepy.) We both like Reverend Jen and Rick Shapiro, (he said that I'm like them - alternative! Also, that Eating It is no longer an alternative room.) And we talked a little about where he sees me performing if not at Eating It. He didn't exactly answer, but I think that the answer is probably anywhere but Eating It.
I think the main reason a lot of people opt into show business is so that they can buy all the people that they hate, and I am no different. It's just that I'm going to have to buy the whole world.
More people I'm pissed at: Anyone who calls me crazy. To call someone crazy is easy. Think it through, and let me know what your exact beef is with me. What is it about me that you don't like, or that you fear or envy? To call someone crazy is very lazy. Use your brains and plot it out.
What don't you like about me? Why don't you like me? Specify. "You are crazy!" says to me, "I trouble speak! I neanderthal! Me think you crazy. Me eat beef! Me kill rabbit!"
My uncle and aunt had a baby the other day. Congrats on the baby, dudes. I want to go see it. To be honest, I'm kind of afraid of babies. I fear babies in the way that men fear monogamy. But my uncle is pretty cool, he's very smart and my aunt is very sweet and nice, so their baby is probably pretty dope. I bet it can already dress itself and play chess and cook. There are pictures of the baby online on the Rizzo family website. I tried to find the site and I couldn't, but I'll put the link up when I do find it. So, I have a new cousin now. If it weren't for babies, the world would end. So, remember that.