Christmas - SHITfest or ASSparty?
Well, this is probably the fifth or sixth Christmas in a row that I have not been given a Christmas present from a boyfriend.
I shouldn't be too upset, in that case. I should be used to it by now, right? I'm kind of not that upset, I was a lot upset earlier, but I feel better now. However, I kind of agree with him for not getting me anything.
I think that Christmas is an over-produced day of gluttony. It gives all of America an excuse to SHOP, all of America's children (and adults, unfortunately) an excuse to be GREEDY and SELFISH and WANT, and hides it all under an incredibly thinly-veiled series of 'good intentions' such as feeding the homeless, (for now) pleasing loved ones (for the time being!) and giving of yourself (as long as you're getting something in return!) Then, there's the whole Jesus-thing, like that has anything to do with anything. And there's also the Santa maneur. (Did you know that Christmas was actually invented by an author, accidentally? There was a scene in the book that described a huge celebration. He created the whole decorating the tree tradition, the gift exchanging premise, singing, egg nog, all that shit. Thanks a lot, Dickinson, you dick.
However, I also love Christmas. Who doesn't love glittering lights on stranger's lawns? Who hates getting gifts? Who doesn't like giving presents to people, even if you aren't getting anything in return? There is something fulfilling in that. Who doesn't like to work at a food shelter or do something selfless to help people who have less than them? And when Christmas after Christmas after Christmas comes and goes and I don't get to enjoy those tiny happinesses, it can be pretty sad.
I spent most of Christmas today crying and fighting, and I'm kind of ashamed of myself. I was upset with my boyfriend because he didn't get me anything for Christmas. He had started to make me a card, which he hadn't finished yet, and after I complained for a few hours, he drew me a picture, finished the card and made me a third piece of art. The things he made me were quite lovely, his handmade treats are always very special. They were better than any crap that some jerk could have bought me at a store. I didn't even send presents to my relatives, because I wanted to give them presents that had some personality to them, not just nail clipper sets and CDs. So, I have been gathering supplies and ideas to make them gifts. But it's not easy to make gifts, either. It's time consuming, and complicated sometimes.
This year, I gave my boyfriend the new Jon Stewart book, some gum, some chocolate covered Oreos (yummy!), a hand-made anti-Christmas ornament. (It's really special - it's a tree on one side and Jesus on a cross on the other. It has a hole at the top and a piece of yarn tied through so it can hang. On one side it says "Merry Tree Death" and on the other, it says "Merry Bloody Jesus". It's truly lovely.) I also got him some new, pretty underwear, and a BEAUTIFUL gold shirt with rhinestone buttons on it. The shirt is a vintage Saks Fifth Avenue shirt, and I found it in a boutique for $6. Finally, I made him a tape full of songs mostly about him that I wrote. I think I did very well for him, and I was really pleased with myself for doing nice things for him, yet not spending too much money or time. I didn't spend more than $30 on all his presents.
Last year, we didn't give eachother presents, but we hadn't been dating very long, only about two months. I thought we'd talk about it, maybe, like if we should give eachother gifts this year or not, but we never did.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas (yesterday) and I didn't say anything. He asked me today when I was crying what I would have wanted, and I said an engagement ring. He said he thought that was sweet, but later said that any woman who wants diamonds doesn't deserve them. I agree with him, kind of, but at the same time, I don't care if an engagement ring has diamonds in it or not. I'd be pleased with a handmade ring, if the sentiment was truly there. Kurt gave me a very small, very undecorated pre-engagement ring, but it was so really beautiful. It was a gorgeous little gold ring with a tiny diamond in it. I loved it to death, in all it's tininess and simplicity. He had stolen my money to buy it with, but I didn't know that at the time, and I was just delighted by it. Diamonds, by the way, aren't the thing that many women crave, either, I don't think. I think that when a woman asks for, expects, or wants diamonds, she actually is asking for, expecting or wanting a physical sign of dedication from a man.
So, why was I so upset? Is it because I am a fat, greedy pig? Or is it because I imagine falsely that my boyfriend doesn't love me? Or, maybe my boyfriend really doesn't love me because I'm a fat, greedy pig? I've asked him if he loves me and he won't answer me. He says he can't tell me because it will go to my head. If someone doesn't buy you Christmas presents, does that mean they don't like you? Because if so, my sisters don't like me, and neither does my mom or my dad. Maybe I shouldn't be looking at why my boyfriend didn't get me any Christmas presents. Maybe I should be looking at the bigger picture - Maybe I should be looking at why NO ONE I LOVE got me any Christmas presents? I don't feel badly about my relatives not getting me presents. I don't live near them, I don't visit them, and I am pretty distant. But it did hurt that my boyfriend didn't get me something. Why does it hurt? I hope I can get to the bottom of this, otherwise, I'm going to be depressed every Christmas, because I don't see myself dating any guys who buy me Christmas presents anytime soon. That'd be too...atypical.