Monday, December 13, 2004

Letters between 2 friends

I stumbled upon this correspondence between two friends - one was vacationing in Japan and the other was in New York somewhere.

Dear Jenie:

How are you? I'm going to Japan for a bit. I'm leaving tomorrow. While I'm gone, I was hoping you could water my plants. You can stay at my place if you want to. You can sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind. Also, eat whatever's there, because I won't be eating it. Or give it away if you're on a diet. Not to say that you should be, you're so skinny! I never told you this before, but, I am allergic to certain foods.

Well, anyway, while I'm in Japan, is there anything you'd like?

Take Care,

Hey Dan

You're going to Japan? What for? Are you in the Army? While you're there, could you get me some Japanese stuff? Whatever, I don't care, just no cheap crap, please, I have enough cheap shit around my dump apartment as it is. I have cockroaches in my bedroom. I'd love to stay at your apartment. Thanks! I guess I'd sleep in your bed; where else would I sleep? So, sure, I'll water your plants, and I'm not on a diet. But thanks for thinking of my weight.

Also, I was wondering - do you have a girlfriend? Are you gay?

See you,

Hi Jenie

Sorry I haven't written for a few days, I've been on planes and stuff. It's a really long trip to Japan. We fly right over the ocean. For days. Finally, somewhere, we take a left, land, get on another plane, fly again in another direction for days, take another left, land, and then you sleep for a week. I love the chinese food in Japan, it's so authentic. It almost tastes like Korean or Thai. It gives you diarrhea, though, just like the water, and the drugs, and everything else. Also, you have to be careful, because they eat dogs over here, and dog is in everything, even the McDonald's hamburgers! Can you believe it? Who could eat Dog? And how dare they tarnish the perfection of the McDonald's all beef patty.

Well, I guess I better go. Some Japanese chick wants my dick pretty bad.


Dear Dan,

I got your letter. It reminded me of reading the phone bill. It's almost necessary, but you wish you were doing anything else anywhere else, anywhere. Anything. I have never had diarrhea, but then again, I've never eaten dog. So, Asian chicks dig you?
I have a hard time believing it. Was she a prostitute? Careful, they probably give you diarrhea, for sure. Did you take your shots before you got on the plane? Don't you have to take special shots? That almost seems racist. Like you're trying to vaccinate yourself against Japan and everything Japanese.

Well, good luck with that.

Your friend,

Dear Jenie

She was a prostitute. But it's okay, I did anal so I wouldn't get anything. Asian prostitutes are everywhere here. And they're all Asian, which is hot! There are a few Americans sprinkled around, but they pretend not to be American, unless they're armed with a rifle, like me, then it's okay to be American.

I did have to take shots before I got here. I had to take shots for everything you can think of, TB, HIV, Herpes, Gonorrhea, AIDS, Cancer, EVERYTHING. But the good news is now I can pretty much do whatever I want. I'm like God. As long as I don't get hit by a car, I'm livin' forever.

I am starting to miss NY a little and am hoping you're taking good care of my tomato and hibiscus. Say hi to them for me.

Ding ding ding ding - ding ding - ding ding ding!,

Hey Dan,

I recommend you still be sure to dip your dick in rubbing alcohol every night before bed. So, while in Japan, are you doing as the Japanese do? Are you riding a bike everywhere, and eating dog soup, and learning karate, and heating up rocks for something related to healing, and joining the Yakuza, and stabbing people with pointy swords, and watching Japanese animation?

I'm in NY, just hanging out. I'm bored. I wish I was in Japan.



Today was cool. The army gave me the day off. I walked around in this Japanese park called Shang Po, and it was so beautiful. There were trees that were 1,000 years old! I walked up into the mountains and there were shacks all along the way, inhabited by old, wrinkly looking men and women with sticks and pointy hats, just like in the movies! I listened closely for the flute-y music to start playing, but it never kicked in. At the top of the mountain was a ginseng farm where you could pick your own ginseng. Everyone here eats tons of sushi.



This is the last letter I will be writing, as I've started dating a new guy and he likes to fuck a lot. I won't be around computers for awhile, probably, because I'll be too busy fucking and sucking, and maybe licking and sucking, and nuzzling and cuddling. I'm sorry you have to fight a war in Japan. When you get back, we'll go out for a beer and you can tell me the whole story.

Take care, friend.


PS Your plants died. It wasn't my fault. They died of natural causes.

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