Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Vegetarian Bucks The System
by Jessica Delfino

I have a doubly restricted diet - I'm a vegetarian, and I'm poor. So, where do the poor vegetarians of this city turn? How about Taco Bell?

The Taco Bell near my house sells lots of stuff for around a buck. You can get a yummy apple caramel dessert thingy for a buck, a drink for a buck, pintos n' rice for a buck, the old bean burritos are like, 79 cents, and now, they have this new 1/2 pound burrito that is massive and delicious. It's beans (mostly lard, I'm sure, but lard of the finest taste and quality I assure you) and melted cheese. And it's only a buck! If you're lucky, you may even have an exchange like the one I had there, free of charge:

I entered Taco Bell in my aqua colored skirt and orange tank top, looking as good as a two piece with a biscuit. A dread-headed black man who was not a hippy immediately began to devour me with his eyeballs. He started making sucking sounds, to indicate that I am probably delicious. I couldn't tell by his expression if he wanted to make love to me or murder me, so I just assumed it was both.

MAN: Hey,'re looking fine today...
ME: Hello, sir. I thank you for your compliment.
MAN: You looking for a boyfriend?
ME: Well, no, actually, I came here to get a burrito.
A few people in line chuckled. I thought the man was going to get angry, but then he smiled to tell me a story in teeth.
MAN: You funny.
ME: Thanks.
MAN: What's your number?
ME: I guess I'm....fourth.
MAN: Ha, ha, you funny.
ME: Ha, ha, thanks.
MAN: I'll see you later.
ME: That sounds great!

Taco Bell's attached to KFC are good, too. Then, you can get corn for a buck, a side of cole slaw or mashed potatos for a buck, those yummy ass fries for a buck....

A lot of people want to know WHY I'm a vegetarian, and WHY I don't eat meat, and they want me to EXPLAIN my eating habits and principles, and simply put, how can one not be vegetarian when Taco Bell is so cheap? Burgers are like, $4! I can't afford to eat fatty, heart-unhealthy, anti-animal meat products. I only wish!

Hey guy who provides beef for people, go fuck yourself! I'll take my delicious, animal-friendly, vegetarian lard roll.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Um, lard is made from animal flesh. (Of course, that probably means they don't make your lard rolls with real lard.)