Monday, December 19, 2005

Lines to use to get what you want in life:
by Jessica Delfino

Just trust me. As you can tell by this blog, I've gotten everything there is to get out of life.

As a "holiday season" sentence endcap: "Put a big red bow on my ass and call me a present!" (This is something like a, "You don't say?" NOTE: Maleable depending on the nearest "holiday" and "season". Valentine's Day "Shoot me in the ass with a bow and arrow and call me a target", Halloween - "Put a black cat on my vagina and call me a veterinarian", you get the idea.

As a "thinker" to a film critic-type person who loves films and thinks they've seen and can decipher any movie: "Jaws was a good movie to see if you have no self-respect." Whatever he says in response, interrupt with a very passionate "No doi!"

As a "test" statement to a potential suitor: "A full-grown man howling at the moon can be attractive." Follow up with a goading, persistent, "Go on..." twelve to thirteen times. (If he does anything even resembling "howling" at anything relating to a "moon", he loses.)

As an instigatory comment to a potential enemy: "Let's say you and I go outside and I'll shove the tongue of your anus in the anus of your anus." (Part of this move is to buy you some time as your enemy stands and ponders the meaning of all this craziness. While they're busy connecting brain receptors, you can be smashing foreheads into banana cream pies or whatever people do when they get into fights.

I would know - I get into three fights a week. Mostly for the pie. And the attention from men breaking up the fights. I've met my last four ex-husbands this way.

2 comments:

jayyates said...

jessy great hot red pants last night at the comedy show at jimmy's basement. it took me a few minutes, but your reference to camel toe spooked me until i saw you were teasing the audience with a view of your own....

Jodi said...

Where the hoohah are you? C'mon. Update. I read like two fuckin' blogs anymore, so don't disappoint me and make me exchange yours for some damned MOMMY BLOG that details the hilarity of raising some squishy little brat in the heartland of Nebraska.