Saturday, January 7, 2006

INTERNAL CLEANSING

I've never had an enema, but was considering it recently due to a string of various health problems I've been encountering. I went to a website called curezone as recommended by a friend and poured over all the various links about enemas. That website is very intense. It talks a lot about parasites and mucoid plaque, some kind of green rock lining formation which we all have encrusted into our colons due to a lifetime of McDonald's and potato chips. I read a lot of the stuff on there and it encouraged me to consider giving myself an enema. I've never douched or had an enema, but considering how shitty I feel on a daily basis, I have decided it could almost not make things worse. To make me feel better about the fact that I'm considering sticking a tube up my butt and pooping out water in an attempt to find relief, I have changed this procedure from the classless "enema" to the new and improved "butt douche" to make it seem more like something they do in cartoons and not like a serious health ordeal.

I went to Eckerd's to see what kind of butt douches they had, but I couldn't find them, so I had to ask the counter guy where the butt douches were. It was embarrassing to me to have to ask the young, almost handsome pharmacy clerk where the butt douche was, so I actually started the sentence by saying, "sorry to have to do this to you, sir." He acted like I was even crazier for acting like sticking a tube up my butt and forcing my colon to gargle wasn't something perfectly fine and normal that we should all do all the time. He pointed me in the direction of the anal mouthwash, then watched me closely as I examined each government-issued looking box. I guess he did this so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable. They all looked so sterile, like the man himself made them in a lab where they also experiment on pigs with bleach. They looked scary and I didn't trust that there wasn't bad stuff in them because as far as I am concerned, the man is satan and he wants to ass fuck us all with poison so we never shit right again and will spend more money on his pills and doctors.

(NOTE: If you think this sounds like crazy talk, consider that many women will have their uteruses removed by the time they reach middle age, as an attempt to curb fibroid tumor growths due to all the extra hormones added to meat and milk and cheese and eggs. This is only one reason to become vegan and eat organic foods - foods which have been grown in non-pesticide soil or added dangerous chemicals and hormones. If you think this all sounds crazy, go and do some research. Google that shit. Or, ask your mom and ten of her friends if they've ever had a fibroid tumor and see how many say yes. I myself am not vegan, but I no longer eat meat, have almost completely cut out eggs, cheese, milk, caffeine and sugar, and will soon be douching my butt in an attempt to cleanse any poison out of my colon. I know I won't live forever, but the years I am alive, I'd like to not spend in pain.)

The government-issued boxes made me feel so uncomfortable, I have decided to wait until I can either get a trusted friend to give me a butt douche or I have the balls to do it myself and the knowledge to make some kind of natural herb witch doctor recipe out of spices and magic. Or someday I'll spend the big bucks and have a celebrity butt doucher do it for me. I wonder who J Lo uses?

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

it's not that scary. just be sure to use the whole thing. it might take a few times. it's a lot less messy than you'd expect.

homosexually yours,
dan

"Ed" Finkerton Humperfield said...

Am I a trusted friend?

Jodi said...

I had to buy a FLEET ENEMA (no, not a fleet of enemas) for someone for actual medical purposes, and I was mortified. Just so the fine people at Duane Reade wouldn't think it was for ME (which I swear it wasn't, despite my seeming to protest too much), I also purchased an eyelash curler. I figured they would think, "A girl who's this into being adorable and flirty surely isn't the same kind of girl who would need to use an enema."

The eyelash curler doesn't work. I would return it, but then they'd probably think, "Yeah. We're SURE it 'doesn't work'. We know why you bought it in the first place, you constipated fuck."

Good luck with your project!

E said...

Hey ... did everything come out OK? How about an update?