Tuesday, November 14, 2006


I probably shouldn't even be printing this...Chuck Norris might round house kick me in the face if he ever found out. Who wrote these jokes? And why? Also, don't forget to come to see my show tonight at Rififi at 10 PM, (332 E. 11 St.). It's different than it was last week. $5 for all that fun. And now on to the Chuck Norris jokes, sent to me by my friend Becky. There are a lot of them. I hope you have a pillow and some aspercreme.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he
gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not
because he is gay, but because he has run out of

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper
clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard
that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in
time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying
over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down
until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always
says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds
to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck
Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his
mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video
game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every
button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked
bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse
kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck
roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't
stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck
Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by
giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the
farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal,
breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that
Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood
a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five
months later he realized the irony of this statement
and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,
Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting
them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are
hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth
Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard".
Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism,
used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted
from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer.
Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for
2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only
to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to
people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is
only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field
goal of a high school football game. When the football
went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick
the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the
uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the

The original theme song to the Transformers was
actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck
Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single
show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and
Order are trademarked names for his left and right

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does
not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather
roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a
fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck
Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates
never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine
as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all
shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he
replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and
roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors
beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time?
Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away
from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a
situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead
doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are
actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the
dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the
world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck
Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so
hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the
scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he
swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at
McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked
the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely
responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he
will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a
game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by
roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can
be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just
check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life.

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one
thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it
honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his
finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of
space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and
poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time.
It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker
despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of
spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly
'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates
karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris
is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may
be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find
one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure
enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a
bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and
then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris
yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave
things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris
accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be
familiar with it to this very day by its technical
term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box
jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous
creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a
human being experiences the following symptoms: fever,
blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans,
and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a
car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens
to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the
actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that
autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation,
Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise
warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

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