Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Sex Tips From Cosmo

If you need to get sex tips from Cosmopolitan Magazine, you are either 10 or in really bad mental shape. Perhaps you have been locked in a basement for the last decade of your life and are just now emerging, horny and ready to mingle. Reading Cosmo sex tips was kind of like listening to Lady Gaga's CD. It was severely disappointing and I think it gave me a little bit of brain damage. Why did I listen to it / read the sex tips, you ask? Because I'm curious to a fault.

OK! So some of the sex tips involved things like, "blow on his penis", "lick his penis with your tongue", and detailed instructions on how to masturbate a man with a circumsized penis. In all fairness, this was an issue from 2009 and hopefully we've all matured since then, but, who doesn't know by now that putting a man's thing-a-ma-jig in your mouth makes him happy? I decided, perhaps I should write my own sex tips column for people, because I've had sex once. So here goes. By the way, sadly, this is how I get most of my ideas - reading other people's attempts at them and thinking, "I could do better than that." It's a sad way to live, but I didn't ask to be born.


1. Do not under any circumstances put any penises into anything that grinds, chops or cuts. Most men save goth types do not like this, unless afterwards you are willing to tenderly fellate them.

2. Apparently, men love having ice or food rubbed onto their penis according to Cosmo. So might I suggest baking up a nice hot dish of Linguini with Clam Sauce and leaving it in the oven so it stays warm. Get your man to close his eyes and dump the entire square of food down his pantalones. Mush it around so it really gets in there, haul his jammies down, pull out his wang and just go to town on it, mowwing it up and down like a corn on the cob, typewriter style, not stopping until you've devoured every last morsel of pasta from his groinal area. Can anyone say, sexy time?

3. Men also love having their balls played with, according to Cosmo. How about throwing your guy through a loop and dipping his boys in a cold cup of Pepsi (or Fresca if you're watching your figure) and then suck the droplets of cool soda off of them with a straw? THEY LOVE THIS! You weren't expecting that, now were ya, Pedro?

4. They say that all men would love to have a menage a trois (that's spanish for anal sex), but what self-respecting woman really wants to share her man's dingaling with one of her trampy friends (Celeste) ? Enter: solution. Help him fuck a melon. It's as simple as that. First carve a hole out of the melon, not too big or he'll think the melon is a slut. Not too small or he'll get really insulted. Put some lipstick around the hole to make it look like lips. If you have a wig, pin it to the top of the melon. Sprouts or a skein of yarn will also do in a pinch. Next time your fella is puttin' the moves on you, tell him "Hold on, big boy - I brought company." Ask him if it's OK. As soon as he says yes, which he may do cautiously to pretend like he's not into it in case you get mad, tell him to close his eyes and just put the melon hole directly onto his melon rod, like a roll of paper towels onto a paper towel holder. He won't know what hit him. Send all thank you cards to: Jessica Delfino, c/o Catholic League, NY, NY 10019.

5. Last, but not least, this one is called the old switcherroo. If you are dating a caucasian man, you will need a brown marker, and if you are dating a brown man, you won't need to do this trick. Simply tell your guy, you've always wanted to know what it would be like to have sex with an African American man. This is going to put him off at first, because he knows that by "African American man" you mean "guy with a bigger dick than you". But it's OK, he'll calm down as soon as you tell him that tonight, you're both going to pretend to be African American. Show him your vagina area, which you've pre-colored with brown marker, and then slowly, intimately color his penis with a brown marker, never breaking eye contact. Erection of his life, guaranteed. When you are finished, have sex with him. Be sure to use a Sharpie or permanent marker for best results.

Now THERE are some sex tips for ya. I'm sick of Cosmo treating us all like we have just recently discovered this thing you call schlong. Have fun and BE SAFE. Only have sex with DOCTORS.

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