Saturday, August 27, 2011

And now for a little hurricane (dark) humor...

Why is everyone freaking out? It's just a series of aggressive wind gusts, right? So, what's the big deal then? Methinks the major concern is that no one really knows just what is going to happen. It's the same reason kids (and myself) fear the dark -- because any old monster could be lurking in there. Read on for a collection of things that could go wrong and worse case scenarios, in:


1. A flying projectile comes smashing through the window at 80 MPH and pierces you to the wall like the way they do to vampires sometimes in scary movies.
Likeliness: Small
Danger level: High
Pain Level: Probably very high
Horrific-ness level: Horror-movie-iffic
Bright side: I can't even think of ONE.

2. The Hudson River or Gowanus Canal floods your house with shit, piss and sewer water, corporate toxins, poison, dead fish and old sneakers.
Likeliness: possible
Danger level: Low to medium (wading through dark water you can't see what's in could be bad)
Grossness factor: Off the charts
Bright side: That renters insurance you pay for every month seemingly for naught may actually come through for you, if you live through this.

3. Water tower tips over on your roof and fills your apartment with water, drowning you and your pets
Likeliness: Low, but just imagine how scary that'd be?
Danver level: Very dangerous
Pain level: I hear drowning is kind of nice
Horrific-ness level: I imagine it'd be one of the scariest things ever for a few minutes unless it catches you off guard or in your sleep, which would be the best case in this worst case scenario.
Bright side: No more bills.

4. Resources are low, so armed desperate people come to your house to take yours.
Likeliness: So friggin low, but who knows?
Danger level: Depends on the psychotic-ness / desperation level of those in question
Pain level: Depends on the weapon (blunt objects, ie axes would increase pain level)
Horrific-ness level: Straight out of a horror movie
Bright side: You can put those 5th grade karate lessons to use and see if they paid off

5. Stuck in your house for 4-5 days with no electricity, TV or ability to flush your toilet.
Likeliness: Most likely to happen of all these scenarios
Danger level: Safest of all scenarios
Pain level: Low
Grossness factor: Could be bad
Bright side: At least you could get started on writing that novel / movie script you've been meaning to begin for anywhere from 2.5-12 years now. Or you could have fun with candles like the guy above.

I know there are a lot of timid and imaginative people out there, please post your own horrific scenarios below that I didn't think of, thanks! And be safe out there in this scary old natural disaster filled world. Of course, even if you do your best and are as safe as you can possibly be, we're all still pretty much fucked.

1 comment:

Cindy Strawberry said...

I had a fear of large ancient trees falling over and crushing parts of our house. Or the roof getting blown off.