Monday, September 26, 2011

10 Things I Hate About Myself

I wrote a post a few months ago about just a small sampling of the things I hate about Florida and not so surprisingly, it got the most comments I've had on a blog entry in awhile. Most of the comments were appreciative, because most people agree that Florida is the most "fart stain like" state in the 50 states and I will stand by that sentiment.

However, one anonymous person got upset enough by the post to leave this comment:

This is so dumb "wal-mart people"? What ? Lets write 10 things you hate about yourself

I was delighted! And I accept this challenge. Please enjoy, "10 Things I Hate About Myself",
inspired by the boner that obviously has never seen the beauty and art that is
(I love calling people boner, it is what my dad used to call my sisters and I as kids and I've never
outgrown how hilarious I think that it is to refer to someone as a boner.)

NOTE: I'd like to add I am really playing devil's advocate here. I am all about self love, Whitney Houston style, and I am very happy, most of the time. I'm just digging around to do a little self exploration. Voila.

1. I hate my face. I have had a lot of time to get used to my face. I know every crooked crevice, I
know about my weird teeth that are exactly like my grandfather's teeth, I know about the little
irritating chicken pock scars that disguise themselves as "character" and the various moles
which if I were just one point uglier on the ugly scale would be brutally held against me. I am okay with
myself as a human, but I am so tired of my own face. One angry weirdo on Facebook recently
described me in a vicious rant as "plain looking" and I agree so much my neck is about to make
believe fall off from metaphorically nodding. Why couldn't I be born with a nose like a dirt road in
Italy or eyes like shimmering compact discs? A chiseled chin or aggressive eyebrows? Anything
at all would be better than the utter normalcy I've come to find disgusted comfort in.

2. I hate my fear of flying. I've heard of these people who do this thing where they get on planes
without incident and go places. I sweat and shake for weeks up to the departure date, I can't enjoy
my trip for the entirety of the trip because I'm fearing the return flight, and then I wheeze and
nervously look around for cracks in the fuselage until I'm running down the tarmac screaming,
"We did it!" after landing. I just can't help but internally insist that fate has something very special and extra
horrific planned for me and I really don't want any part of it.

3. I hate how I little I've achieved in my life. I look around and I see failure in everything
I do. My friends and family and peers are constantly reminding me how much I've done but all I see is the
black void where mountains of success should be. "But you make people laugh, that is so important" some shit head
says to me from time to time, and I respond by sitting hard on the fist that is urgently pursuing the
fleshiest part of their face. Me making people laugh is the absolutely least I could have done with
my life. And I'm not broke but I sure ain't rich. But at least I've done slightly more than nothing at all.

4. I hate how negative I am deep down inside, and not so deep inside. Underneath this
excruciatingly plain face and hair and these cornflower blue eyes lies a dark and twisted person full
of hazardous thoughts. I self-medicate with yoga, salad, creativity, love, therapy and work addiction, so I
manage to avoid falling into those emotional tar pits for the most part. But they're still there. Where
do you think those dark, demented songs and jokes come from? A happy life and a chipper childhood?

5. I am too aware of my faults. I wish I could go back to being 4 years old when climbing trees was
the most important agenda of the day. But I can't. And I will die at some point, never having been
able to go back to that time. It's gone. And I hate that. And that is a flaw. And there are a million
others where that one came from. For example:

6. I can't cook. I was recently going to try out for the show "America's Worst Cooks" because I am
bad at cooking. Everything I cook tastes like cereal and toast and undercooked eggs, because that's
what it is. I can make peanut butter and jelly with some skill, and I don't burn pasta anymore, but I
will add spirulina to everything I eat until the day I die and if I could blend and eat every meal in
smoothie form I would.

7. I am a terrible sick person. When I am sick, I cry and whimper, and I am helpless and baby like.
I make everyone around me wait on me and help me. I reduce my voice to a whine and really ham it
up so that my boss and anyone else I come in contact with will hear the cold in my voice and will
immediately send me home to have some chicken soup. When other people around me are sick though
and try those tricks, I get mad and selfish for my own health. I grumble and say, "Why aren't you
home? You're going to make everyone sick." And by "everyone" I mean "me".

8. I am selfish and exhibit myriad other flaws of humanity. Is this getting too deep? Should
I be writing funnier flaws?

9. I have an ethnic fro. Everyone always says to me, "Your hair is so beautiful!" and that punching
fist starts getting ornery again. You want my hair, I want your hair. I have pubic hair hair. I have
literally pulled out a hair from my head and it was a foot long pubic hair. That is the opposite of
beautiful to anyone except perhaps Larry Flynt. Big, wiry, thick, curly, weed-like, naturally dreading
bird's nest hair is my lot in life, along with issues 1-8, and many, many more.

10. I'm too nice. I just wanted to throw that one in because that's the one that women always
say. "I'm too nice," they say, after their boyfriend broke up with them and they left his man parts
in tact. I don't think that's anyone's real life problem, ever. I think that is a problem that you say
when a boss asks you to outline your short comings.

And there you have it, "anonymous", if that's your real name - 10 Things I Hate About Myself. Now it's your turn!


Dean from Australia said...

I reckon you're on to something here - potentially viral. Know that there are many of us out here who happily swoon over your voice esp. when you're guesting on a certain talk show.

Damien said...

Ah, nothing as enjoyable as reveling in someone else's self-hatred. Glad to see that I am not alone. If I see the chicken pock scar on my pug nose one more time, I am going to strangle myself.


PS: Though they are all the rage, man tits aren't great for the ego.