WHAT TO DO FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 3rd

Hey everyone. Remember when you used to make mixed tapes? I don't remember, either. However, there is a show this Friday, November 3rd that remembers. How 'bout you swing by and simultaneously get your comedy and rock on?



ARS NOVA
511 W. 54TH (10TH/11TH)
$12
8 PM
www.arsnovanyc.com

If you are a budget minded soul, you'll appreciate this code which brings the price down from 12$ to 8$ on smarttix.com. The code is SHOCK

Click here to get your discount tickets

Tons of superb acts join together to make merry music! If from what I gather has been correctly gathered, you will hear Soce The Elemental Wizard wiz it up. (He's white and he raps! Funny!) You will see Cock Lorge unleash a monster on your ass! You will watch as Erin and her Cello go "ba domb domb domb domb don don don doop da doop doop" and shit. You will witness a Rob and a Mark! A Zero Boy! An Eliza Skinner! And the beat goes on and on and on...you're gonna shit yourself. That's a promise.

5 Reasons You Should Take Me On Tour With You

1. I have friends in every major city
2. I'm not too good to carry gear
3. I can drive a stick, have valid license
4. I only bring two bags - one guitar, and one small suitcase
5. I give superb road head

Come see what you'd be getting yourself into - TONIGHT

8 PM - Bowery Poetry Club
I'll be singing jail themed songs I wrote on Christopher X. Brodeur's "Songs From Prison" show. (The concept of the show is, songs he wrote in prison on the taxpayer's dime, plus special guests, such as Ambrose Martos, myself and others.
$5

10 PM - Bowery Poetry Club
I'll be leading the spooky ghost-rock band, Haunted Pussy at 10 PM on
the lovely O'Debra Twins' "Show N Tell" show.
$3

THE KIDS ARE JUST SO CREATIVE THESE DAYS!

An adorable teenager from Massachusetts sent a letter to me, featuring this beautiful hand-decorated envelope. If I had my way, every piece of mail would look like this. Imagine if your phone bills looked like this? It would be a delight to open them!



The medium appears to be black, blue and red "pen", one of my preferred mediums, as well. Hopefully she drew this in class. Note the bleeding person has only one boot. What happened to the other boot? Perhaps it fell off as she ran to the ladies room. Perhaps it got covered in her oozing womanliness and she threw it in the trash en route. Perhaps it got stolen.

The words on the envelope are from a song I wrote called, "Sudden Change", which you can hear by clicking on the "SONGS" link above.

Polina, this envelope is so beautiful and I was so happy to receive it, I almost forgot that my broken life is unrepairable!

So thanks for that, and keep 'em coming.

FLAVORPILL KNOWS WHAT'S UP!

I've always thought Flavorpill had the best listings, and now those thoughts have been confirmed 100% as they listed the show I'm in tonight, Wednesday Oct. 25th. Little do they know, I'm the exact opposite of "oversexed" (which is, perhaps, why so many of my songs are about that very thing...)

Thanks for the plug, LT. Way to watch out for a gal, Misha V.

SEE THE FLAVORPILL LISTING (AND MORE FLAVORPILL) HERE

And here:

MC² presents Nucleogenesis feat. Jessica Delfino

when: Wed 10.25 (8pm)
where: Jimmy's No. 43 (43 E 7th St, 212.982.3006) map
price: $7
links: Event Info

Much to YouTube/Google's dismay and online audiences' delight, comic/musician/
wingnut Jessica Delfino one-ups Sarah Silverman's titular Jesus with "My Pussy Is Magic." Tonight the hilarious, oversexed, dirty-folk songstress is joined by standup gal Julie Perkins, and a special "spooky" sketch act from Stacy and Friends, who tackle New York's craziest characters with suggestions from the peanut gallery. Video mavericks/sketch duo the New Normal also perform, sharing lessons on wedgie-picking etiquette and other high-concept art. (LT)

Note: Manhattan Comedy Collective presents Nucleogenesis (with varying performers) every Wed (8pm) through 11.29.

TAMPON CRAFTS!!??

All I can say is "Wow" (no period - I'm stuck in eternal awe)



Click here to see the awesome for yourself.

YOUBOOB - good one!

The Villager had this to say about the Magical Pussy fiasco of 2006:



(You can click on it to make it bigger but it still looks like shit)

Here's the article online: VILLAGER'S OPINION on the MAGIC PUSSY FIASCO

See the Magical Pussy video HERE(it is now called, "Jessica Delfino Is Magic" to trick the porn bots. NOTE: not even slightly pornographic. NOTE: Do not watch this at work unless you work somewhere really laid back, like a dot com run by pot head art lovers or a phone sex shack.)

Visit The Villager, the Lower East Side's premier community newspaper:

www.thevillager.com

Read more about The Magical Pussy fiasco HERE

Everywhere you look around my NYC sized apartment, there are things

Things like a black book shelf (real wood, not that reinforced cardboard Ikea crap wood), stuffed with notebooks (full of hilarity) and papers (everything from CD inserts to clippings of shows I must go see!), CD cases and sleeves (for, you know), containers of various colored glitters (for when I perform, "My Pussy Is Magic" live), glue sticks, VHS tapes & DVDs (of documented Delfino sets!), colored pencils (fancy ones), ink replacement cartridges (it's like I live at a Staples), paper clips (see?), business cards (mine and other people's), rolls of tape and twine, spools of CDs (blank and not so blank), a softball glove, a stapler, a bunch of batteries (some are dead, but I somehow can't bring myself to throw out the dead ones, so now they're all mixed together, ready to wreak havoc on the next electronic thing I have that needs to work right), a hole puncher, a check book (the one thing that proves I'm almost like an adult), a box of slippery elm (maybe two things that prove I'm an adult) - (the pros use it), nail clippers (you need to manage your fingernails in order to play the guitar right), a small clip on fan (to keep me cool while I'm writing the hits), a huge stack of envelopes of all sizes (mostly for fan mail - sending it out, I mean, you know, to all the people I adore, Jessica Simpson, Randy Rhodes, etc.), and if I turn around and look at the cork board, well, that's a blog entry for another time.


My room on a good day (Oooh, too soon?)

photo by Gerry Visco

I Have My Own Line Of Maxi Pads

That's right, you read correctly. I have my own line of maxi pads. One of the times I was on tour with The Trachtenburgs, Tina suggested that I sell more "vagina" related merchandise, such as home-made maxi pads. I was tickled by the suggestion, but said, "Who'd wear a home-made maxi pad?" Tina said, "I wear them. I've been making my own for years." A few months later, Tina and I began our own little sweat-shop in her apartment. We'd crank up the Zeppelin or the ELO or the Cheap Trick (or the Nellie McKay or the Touching You) and set to work cutting out patters, sewing and chatting, while Rachel Trachtenburg scooped us bowls of ice cream, crocheted and made her dolls their own line of clothing.

Tina used vintage fabrics and bright florals, and I opted for soft and strange materials, such as velvets and shimmery sateens. We used towels as filler.

I suggested to Tina that we join together to come up with a good name for our pads. I came up with, "Aunt Florence's Old-Time Home-Made Poonani Rags", but we thought that might not be "commercial" enough for when "Always" brand offers us a billion bucks to buy us out. So, then Tina came up with "Planetary Napkins", and the catch phrase, "recycle your cycle". Awesome!

And I was using the catch phrase, "Treat your vagina like a princess".

I recently taught a little semintar at The Swap-O-Rama-Rama about making your own maxi pads. It was lots of fun! I made and gave away over 50 maxi pads. Lots of people timidly approached my menstruation station, somewhat bewildered by the idea of making their own maxi pads, yet left delighted, new home-made pad in hand and new attitude in head.

photo by Gerry Visco

I've learned lots about alternative methods of taking care of business "down there" since I began. I found out about "Glad Rags", a more elaborate, west-coast version of the mass-produced home-made maxi pad which pre-dates our Planetary Napkins. There is also "the keeper", which is like some kind of crotch cup that collects the blood. Then you dump it out. If you're super hard-core, you pour it into your plants.

If you have to have a crotch, which I do, at least I can put pretty things underneath it. And so can you!



Email me if you want to buy a custom, home-made maxi-pad. I can make them out of my pretty fabrics or out of yours. I sell them for $5 each...

FREEDOM ROCKS!

My Pussy Is Magic, Magic, Magic, Magical...!

Seen on Mikedaisey.com:

Boing Boing: China unblocks Wikipedia, even though it won't censor:

China has unblocked Wikipedia. Wikipedia refused to censor itself to appease totalitarian Beijing, but China unblocked it anyway. China needs Wikipedia and Chinese net-users would access it using circumvention tools -- the block on Wikipedia made Chinese Wikipedia users into automatic dissidents.

If only Google, Microsoft and Yahoo had the same courage as Wikipedia, the same confidence that their search-engines were valuable enough to be indispensible.

AND...

My video has been removed once more.

ha HA!

Damn the man!

My Pussy IS Magic. CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO

I wonder how long it will be before this one gets the ax? Interesting, I can google things much worse than magical pussies. Now that google owns youtube, prepare for youtube to start dumping all things funny and fun (relating to vaginas).

I'm going to be showing "My Pussy Is Magic" tonight at UCB on "The Rejection Show" at 8 PM. Come get me, youtube!

"MY PUSSY IS MAGIC" BANNED BY YOUTUBE!!!

This morning, "My Pussy Is Magic", the new dance hit video by me, Jessica Delfino, was removed from Youtube.com for being considered "inappropriate"! Inappropriate my ass! If anyone saw the video, they saw lots of vaginas. Since when are vaginas inappropriate? I came out of a vagina, and so did the makers of Youtube.

The video had reached 20,000 views, and then was removed this morning.

Youtube was bought by Google, and now my poor, rising video was crushed. Does Google censor art!? Write to them and ask!

I will find a place for "My Pussy Is Magic" to live - a place where facists can't touch it! Stay tuned.

And if I can't find a place for it, come and see it live in my show, "Jessica Delfino is Sorry To Disturb You" at Rififi / Cinema Classics, 332 E. 11th St. at 10 PM, every Tuesday in November. ($5)

Have you ever been to Williamsburg?

Well, I have. I ride my bike there over the Williamsburg Bridge, a bridge that leads directly into Williamsburg - a long, dangerous ride where someone could hold me up on my bike and be like, "Gimme your shit, bitch!" And I have no shit to give. So, then, maybe that special someone would take my tits. And I need those.

Every so often a kid rides up along side me on my bike and yells, "Yo! That's my bike!" But you know what? It's not his bike. I know it's not his bike. Because my dad stole it from a train station in Connecticut (the land where rich people don't lock their bikes) and gave it to me for my birthday.

Tonight, I brave that bridge again and ride like the wind to Williamsburg to perform in a show at 9 PM, which Ilana Manaster is putting together at a little spot called, "ROSE". "ROSE" is at 195 Grand St. near Havemeyer.



I must look a sight(!) or a fright(!) riding my bike across the bridge with a guitar strapped to my back. I probably look like a hump back who plays the guitar.

But I can joke like that, because I think that back humps are funny.

MY PUSSY IS MAGIC!

Lots of things are magical to lots of people. My pussy is one of those things to a person called, "me".

You can see what I mean by checking this video that Matt Davis made, featuring my new dance hit, "My Pussy Is Magic".

Shows this Tuesday (tomorrow)

Hey, you've never seen me perform before, have you? Isn't it about time? I mean, Jesus, you live here - I live here. It's almost rude, really. We practically even know eachother or at least have mutual friends. My shows are usually free. I mean, I thought you were well-rounded.

Get this piece of Twilight Zone craziness: BOTH of my shows on Tuesday are at MO PITKINS! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Inner Monologues presents: HEROES & VILLAINS! Upstairs at Mo's
FREE! at 7:30 PM

Radical Vaudeville at 10 PM - UPSTAIRS!

Back In The Stink Capital of The World

Hi There anyone who happens to be reading this collection of thoughts and words from my disassembled mind. It's disassembled because I am just returning from a month long tour / vacation and I almost feel like all is right with my world. Here's a tip to anyone who likes tips: If you live in NYC, leave NYC, often and regularly. The tour with the Trachtenburgs was unbelievably fun and weird, except for the bad parts, of which there were few. Look for a photo diatribe regarding the tour, coming soon to this very blog. I ended it all with a week + relax-a-thon in Los Angeles after my last show, which was at the Troubadour in LA. I even performed in LA at Eddie Peppitone's show, which I had a pretty lousy set at. Sorry about that, Eddie! It wasn't all my fault, and I bet he'd agree. But I should take at least 50 percent of the blame, and god dammit, I will.

Coming up I have a few shows in the next few weeks, mostly at Mo Pitkins. I'm also on their softball team - I should probably get a job there, too, for the love of Jesus and God. If anyone wants to see me hit the ball hard and far just for it to get caught by some dude who by the right of testosterone will always catch my damn ball somewhere over Center left field, the game is at 1 pm in the East River Park. I don't want to brag, but I will - I'm pretty good at soft ball. I was MVP of my team once apon a shit cake.

But the big news of this entry is that I have a solo show coming up. I'm pretty excited about it, because it's the first solo show I've done since my last solo show three years ago called "Subtle; Pussy" which was at UCB. I've come a long way, asshole - now the pussy ain't so damn subtle, is it? Eat it! Stick it in your mouth and eat it! (Not mine, someone's you love.)

Anyway, the details of the show are just below, so save the date, and please tell your friends and also tell any christians or people with kids you hate that it is a children's christian show and that they will just love it!

Hope the people who give a crap about me are doing well, and everyone else can eat some feces.

Love,
Jessica

'Jessica Delfino Is Sorry To Disturb You'
Tuesday Nights In November, at RIFIFI / Cinema Classics
10 PM
332 E. 11th St. (1st / 2nd Aves), NYC
$5

This show is an open "apology" for all of Jessica's dark, sometimes disturbing sense of humor. Described as "A cross between Redd Foxx and Jewel" by The Onion and called, "The Lower East Side's folkie queen of obscene" by The Village Voice, Jessica Delfino's style of comedy has offended, irritated, annoyed, bugged, boggled and even pissed off at least one person of every race, color and creed. So, Jessica decided it's high time she set things right with the world. Showing examples of her offenses, this show will feature her dirtiest ditties, her most vulgar stand-up and her most outrageous short films, as well as some surprises, all of which she will attempt to atone for. (Or not.) Come prepared to get all up in a tizzy.

What the press is saying about JESSICA DELFINO:

"Comedic Discovery of the Month" --Comedy Central

"High Times Unsigned Band of the Week" --High Times

" * * * 1/2 [out of 4]" --Jane Magazine

"Fetchingly filthy. . . . Some of the most nasty, offensive, degrading and genius comedy you'll see all year." --New York Blade

"Best Potty-Mouthed, Guitar-Slinging Comedian" -- Best Of 2005 , The Village Voice
"The Lower East Side's folkie queen of obscene" --The Village Voice

"[She] is a delightful young lady who likes to sing whimsical songs about her vag.
She's sassy!" [7 out of 10 - (That's a lot coming from them. They hate everything.)] -- VICE Magazine

"Let me be absolutely clear about this, without any exaggeration: If you had to pay one live human baby in exchange for a ticket to her show, it would be worth it. More than worth it. . . . The songs are written and performed by Jessica and are hilarious. They're so funny that no word exists to describe them." --The Triangle,
The Student Newspaper at Drexel University, Philadelphia

"We were immediately stuck to our seats stunned and smiling as Jessica Delfino engaged us in tune after tune referencing her, and others, vagina(s)...She is funny. And smart." -- Thurston Moore & Byron Coley, Arthur Magazine

"She's a brilliant writer." --Wil Wheaton, Wil Wheaton dot Net

"Jessica Delfino is a comedian-songwriter who can warble with the earnestness of a folksinger while elucidating the finer points of oral sex. A cross between Redd Foxx and Jewel, Delfino sincerely strums her guitar in time to funny, often dirty lyrics with a well-practiced deadpan." --The Onion A.V. Club

"Hilariously ribald." -- BackStage.com

"Legendary" --The L Magazine

LIFE ON TOUR, continued...

I'm in LA for a week...I'm PERFORMING IN LA at The Fake Gallery on Melrose
8:30 PM - THIS THURSDAY, Sept. 7th on Eddie Peppitone's show...

**************

Life on tour has been a treat!
Watching passing landscape from a tour van seat.
We played in each city and then race the clock
to catch the next show where we'd be sure to rock

I sang songs of crotches, I sang dirty tunies
I sold my dark filth in the cities and boonies
I met some neat people, I told them blue tales
I put love in their spirits and raunch in their sails!

I folked out in Asheville, my favorite show yet
I hit Dallas and Austin and have not one regret
The tour for me ended in Los Angeles
I'm here now relaxing and enjoying some peace

I'm hanging with friends, reuniting with them
I'm resting, recouping and following a whim
I'll be in the hills, over looking this sprawl
taking my time getting back to it all

The Tburgs continue upward with at least one empty seat...
go out and see them, their show is a treat!

LAST NIGHT WITH CORN MO

The tour has been going very great - the crowds have been amazing. It turns out kids love dirty folk songs! I've met some very nice and unique people, such as a freakish clown man traveling on the Barnum & Bailey Circus train (in Dallas), a couple in DC who fly to Atlantic City to gamble...on their "own" plane, Tina's parents (it was like she was immaculately conceived - I had no idea she had family!), a couple in Asheville, NC who are starting a cool tour bus with performances, another family art group, (parents wtih kids who put shows together), Mark from Negativland (!!!), and lots of friendly and generous strangers. I am having trouble getting pictures off my camera, but here is one that a nice couple Josh and Naina from DC sent to me.



The show tonight in Austin, TX was great. Sadly, it was Corn Mo's last night. He flies home tomorrow. The Trachtenburgs and I will continue up the west coast alone until we hit Seattle, then Baby Gramps and Ching Chong Song will join the tour and that is when I shall return home.

Back in NYC mid September. Mark your calendars! Who knows what might happen on that date what with Jessica Delfino back in town?

NOTES FROM THE ROAD (and out of Jessica Delfino's head)

I sit in a Starbucks in Baltimore (low end!) typing this on Corn Mo's laptop. The tour has been really excellent. It started in Philly with Ching Chong Song and Corn Mo. My first show was on Saturday night in Washington, DC, and it was a great show. I maimed the audience, then Corn Mo crippled the audience and Jason and the Tburgs came in to kick around the left overs, and that they did with aplomb, or perhaps many plombs, and not simply "a" plomb. Last night was equally as fun in Baltimore with Trixie Little and Evil Hate Monkey doing some very cool burlesque shit in between acts. Scott and Skizz was another opening act - they played many hits on ukelele and melodica. If you don't know what a melodica is, google that shit. It's pretty neat. It's like a mini recorder/piano blow thingy that makes noise. I think it's half toy, half instrument. But maybe the word, "toy" is a derrogatory name to an instrument or it's blower.

I am never sure if it's boring to read about what is going on during someone's tour or not, but it sure is fun to write it! And it makes me feel closer to the people in NYC who I miss and who miss me, of which I'm willing to bet there are at least a half a dozen of. You know who you are. Don't try to hide or pretend like you don't miss me. God knows. And there's no escaping that dude. He's everywhere.

In other news, I think I kind of screwed up. I had an audition the other day for an ESPN U commercial, a new channel for ESPN. I got it! The guy called and told me he'd let me know how much it paid, though I was told not to expect much money. It was a two day, 24 hour shoot, starting at 7 am Tue and Wed and going til 7 pm. I found out it paid $100 per day! That's McDonald's money! Who works for $12 per hour anymore? Even my two shitty part-time day jobs pay more than that! I make more than that collecting cans out of the garbage...what? I mean, doing what I actually do to make a living. When I found out that ESPN, a company worth many billions of bucks pays such peanuts for what is sure to be a long, exasperating two days of work, I backed out. I think that was a fair reaction. Especially since I am on tour, and my choices are: go on tour and continue to sell $100 per merchandise per show as I've been doing, plus getting paid to perform in every major city in the US to cheers and applause, or go home and shoot a two day commercial for ESPN, of which I also found out, I am only an extra in. Who auditions for extra roles? I've never had to do that before.

So, I think I made the right choice. Who's with me?

I'm actually sadder that I'm going to be missing Mo Pitkin's "Radical Vaudeville" show, featuring the O'Debras and Rosie Rebel as Mo's Ho's, the in-house sketch group. We had some really funny stuff planned. Now they will be doing the show without me, and I'm sad to miss it. So, please go and cheer them on if you ain't not doin' nothin' on Tuesday, August 29th at 10 PM.

Email me and say hi...I miss my friends. And come to see a show and see me and give me a warm hand shake or chocolate milk shake, which ever you prefer, this week if you are near any of these places on any of these dates:

Tues, 8/22 - Carrboro, NC - Cat's Cradle
Wed, 8/23 - Asheville, NC - Grey Eagle
Thurs, 8/24 - Athens, GA - 40 Watt Club
Fri, 8/25 - Atlanta, GA - The Earl
Sat, 8/26 - Little Rock, AR - Sticky Fingerz (that sounds like a comedy club!)
Mon, 8/28 - Dallas, TX - Gypsy Tea Room
Tue, 8/29 - Austin, TX - Cactus Cafe
Thurs, 9/31 - Santa Fe, NM - Brewing Company

Til the next time I'm near a Starbucks, which should be very soon...

PS - I didn't order anything! I swear! I'm just using the free wifi! I don't believe in supporting Starbucks. So take that, Mr. Bucks! Call me a hippy, or call me crazy, or call me whatever you call me. I don't like coffee anyway. It makes your breath smell like cow feet that have been dancing in cow shit. Try goji berries for energy, or try exercising, eating right and getting some sleep! Don't let the gov tell you what to drink! Coffee is everywhere, and it is free and cheap (except at Starbucks, where it's overpriced!) It's everywhere and cheap, because it boosts productivity. Don't let people trick you into working harder by giving you brown water. It's BROWN WATER! Don't be fooled!

Love and brown water,
Ms. Delfino

A THREE HOUR TOUR

I mean day. A three day tour. The Trachtenburgs are taking off on a multi-week tour and I am going them! For three days, anyway! We'll be hitting Philadelphia, Washington, DC and Baltimore, MD. So what if I'm only actually performing in Washington, DC? For all intents and purposes, I'M GOING ON TOUR!!!

If you want to see me perform LIVE and you live in the Washington, DC area, get your ass over to IOTA CAFE, 2832 Wilson Blvd., Arlington, VA. So, okay, it's not ACTUALLY Washington, DC, but it's damn close. The show starts at 9 PM, and consists of ME, CORN MO (a guy who reminds people of Meatloaf but plays the accordion and a foot cymbal and rocks the shit out of the world!) and then, of course, THE TRACHTENBURG FAMILY SLIDESHOW PLAYERS!!! (they're a real live family band featuring a dad on piano and keys, 12 year old adorable daughter Rachel on the drums, and mom on the slide projector, projecting vintage slides for all of your asses.

It is mandatory that you attend this show, and it will be the high light of your entire life. That's a promise in writing.

See you there!