SONG OF THE MONTH club -- JANUARY (it's late)

WARNING: This song is NSFW because I drop the F bomb a few times and there's some talk of anal probe-ation.

This month's song of the month is called, "Touched by an Alien" and it is about the people out there who have been probed by an extra terrestrial. Many folks complain about getting probed, and in all fairness, I can see why one might not want to get anally probed by an alien or anyone or thing else. But if it does happen, perhaps these people should consider themselves kind of special, lucky, the chosen butts, what have you. 

Basically -- I'm wondering why people don't say, "Hey world -- I was the one the alien chose to kinda fu*%! The alien didn't choose you, did it? No! It chose me!"

So I wrote a song about it and made a video to go with it. I even illustrated some lines, because I went to art school and I'm sick of wasting my degree. This one is in black and white, but the next one is in color. This one was kind of a test run. I look slightly butchy in this video and I blend into the black background. I dressed down in a regular old tee shirt for this song because I figured, hey, all the famous rock bands do it and everyone loves it, so maybe it will work for me. But after seeing the video, I think I should stick to my crazy fashions, even though the tee shirt I'm wearing is of my friends' funny "German" band "Die Roten Punkt". Speaking of my crazy fashions, on Feb 11th, I'll be in the Time Out NY "50 Most Stylish New Yorkers" issue sporting some of my bad ass dirty folk fashions, so be sure to check that out then. 

If you are not a member of the SONG OF THE MONTH club, you can join the free club by emailing me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com with the subject: SONG OF THE MONTH (or subscribe to my blog) and you will get a new song by me emailed to you free, every month. 

If you'd like to hear some of the songs from past months, check out the last two month's songs HERE. November's "Happy Stoned Thanksgiving" about when people smoke lotsa pot and get the munchies and eat so much food it's like Thanksgiving, and December's "Fight The Party" about how New York City is totally changing, and like, not necessarily in a good way. 

I'm not insisting these songs are greatest hits or my best work ever, but they're fun and I enjoy writing songs and I want to share them, so I hope you get a kick out of them. 

A Mellow Tuesday Afternoon at a Coffee Shop 
in the East Village, NYC,

Friend my mom on Facebook

It's about 3 in the afternoon on Tuesday and I'm listening to a little Phil Collins as I sit at this coffee shop in the East Village. Comedian friend Jena Friedman and I are hangin' out and talkin biz. If you are familiar with Jena, you know why this dark and twisted lady and I are friends. If you are not familiar with her, check out this dating video she put on her Youtube page: 

What a pip!

My mom is on Facebook now, thank goodness! I was hoping someone would write slightly 
embarrassing paragraph long facebook updates describing me as her child. Here's her most 
recent Facebook update:

Looking to do a small bathroom remodel. I believe the three stooges "country cousins" were just here to give a quote. They walked in circles and into one another. Scratched their heads. Slapped eachother's faces with wet mops...not really. Heavy southern drawls, cowboy hats and boots, one set of teeth between them, and one was missing all the fingers from both hands. That one flirted with me the whole time. Sweet.

She's funny! And smart, too. And apparently, according to her FB page, "single" I 
just found out! Friend my mom on Facebook here, or if you're a handsome, sane 
guy in the Northern Florida area, take her out on a date. She looks great and is 
young-spirited and fun. If you friend her, tell her you're a friend of mine in the message. Let's see how many new friends we can get my mom!

TODAY, LIVE on KEITH AND THE GIRL

This podcast featuring Keith Malley & Chemda is a really fun show with great, very funny guests. Keith and Chemda are also really entertaining and funny -- a real life couple, they talk about their lives and b.s. about current news topics and goings on with guests and each other.

They wrote a sex book which I read some of, it is really funny, well-written and frank. You can check out a FREE chapter of the book HERE. If you enjoy it, pre-order a copy. They're good, cool people and they wrote a good, funny book, so buy it. If you're one of those people who likes to read but hates books now, get one for your modern fancy eyeball tablet science-y assistant book-like machine.

You can listen to the podcast live, today, online at 4:30ish PM, at KATG.com. You can also listen online later around 6 or 7 PM if you miss it live. So do this! PS -- I will be debuting a new song today on the show on the theme of UFOs. See ya soon!

GOTH AS FU*% review, MONDAY'S HAPS

and a few additional musings

Goth as Fu*% was a great little show, too bad the audience that was supposed to be there pussied out because of the cold weather, or maybe they just weren't goth enough. But the ones who did make it were really enthusiastic and good looking. On the way to shoot a video yesterday, I discovered a large gold metallic cross in the garbage at a church and it became part of the night. It was truly a sight to behold. In case you missed that, I'm going to write it again -- I found a cross in the garbage in front of a church. The symbolism and meaning I could dig out of that one is a whole other blog entry. 

Try Cry Try were amazing, gothin' it up with their gothy rock which was somewhat reminiscent to me of Haunted Pussy.

Jena Friedman popped in with a dark little comedy set and saved the day after another performer had to cancel. 

Dame Darcy was amazing as always, with her creepy witch ritual and her red, red rose song. 

Miss Em

And the burlesquers were really terrific gothified beauties -- Miss Em on fire breathing and Gal Friday with cutting her mouth stitches open and bleeding into a bucket. It was really amazing!! 

Gal Friday

This morning I got up early-ish and went to go shoot a comedy sketch video with friends over in the East Village. It was so cold, I cried the whole way there. When I ride my bike, tears stream down my face because the wind gets all up in my eye ball holes and also because I think there might be something wrong with my tear ducts that makes me cry uncontrollably when I ride my bike and when I get my period and stuff. I rode my bike against the crisp ass air anyway, and got there, luckily, in one piece. As I locked my wheels up, I felt thankful for one more safe bike ride on the mean, mean streets of NYC.

The video shoot went well and if all goes right, I'll have something to post here for you in the next week or so. 

I also shot a video yesterday (Sunday) on Rivington Street with Joel Schlemowitz, it was a very strange little video about sitting in a parlor, listening to records on the Victrola and doing old timey fun things, like staring into a stereoscope or whatever they're called; back in the olden days people used to have these old "futuristic" eye-glass looking things wherein you could stick photo slates of two identical pictures, side by side, and the two of them viewed through the lens made it go 3-D. I'd never heard of or seen the thing before and was excited to get to experience this old timey modern futuristic-y 3-D device. It was basically like the first ever view-master. 

photo of Stereoscope, borrowed from someone's website

(thank you, stranger)

The video is showing this Thursday at an art show closing alongside other videos, Thursday Feb 4, 6 pm - 9 pm at 42 Rivington St. 

I'm going to be on Keith and the Girl podcast tomorrow. If you haven't heard of Keith and the Girl, uhhh, run, don't walk to your nearest computer and check that shit out.

GOTH AS FU*%

Sunday, January 31

goth burlesque, goth dress, goth music,

goth drinks, goth acts, goth videos, goth raffle

dress to depress, win a prize

Burlesque by Miss Em & Gal Friday

Music & performances by Dame Darcy, Try Cry Try & Nick Gorman

plus

Miss Jane S. Discofile hosts and stirs up some shit

CRAFTERMATH sells goth punk hand made gifts, 

just in time for Valentine's Day, 

everything under $10

Doors at 8

show at 8:30 - 11:30

goth-y drinks after

SLIPPER ROOM

167 Orchard @ Stanton, NYC.

$5 at the door

VISIT THE FACEBOOK INVITE HERE

DANCE PARTY TONIGHT!!! FRIDAY JAN 29!!!

WHAT'S THE BOOZE / FOOD SITUATION: BYOB and BYO snacks. There will also be some beer / wine and snacks there to buy cheap.

WHERE / WHY: This is a huge beautiful 2 floor LMCC (Lower Manhattan Cultural Council) granted space in the South Street Seaport which is where the show, Flight 18, is showing through March. It's amazing to have so much space in the city to move and run / dance around, do cartwheels, roller skate, even, (bring 'em if ya got 'em) to a great mix of dance music. We have been having a lot of fun rehearsing there and decided to have a big dance party, so come one, come all, tell your friends, email this to whoever you like and hope to see you there!!

WHO IS INVITED: Everyone! Spread the word, pass it on!!

HOW MUCH: Free / by donation of any amount, but we really just want you there. 

MORE INFO: 

FLIGHT 18 

is throwing our first 

Boogie Down Friday 

and you are invited!

We want to celebrate our pre-production getting off to such a terrific start and to thank all of the wonderful people who are helping us make this exciting ride happen! This party is open to everyone who wants to join in (friends, family, etc.) so please pass this e-mail around and let people know where to be this Friday ...

When: Friday, January 29th, 2010

Time: starting at 6:30 PM

Place: 210 Front Street at the South Street Seaport in Lower Manhattan 

(From the Fulton Street Station walk east on Fulton Street.  Make a left at the Bodies Exhibit, walk past the Gap, we’re on the left at the corner of Front Street and Beekman Street.  You’ll see the green @SEAPORT signs.)

There will be special performances and everything else you’re looking for.

Looking forward to seeing you there.

That's not enough blog entry for ya? OK, fine, then enjoy about 20 girls dressed in business attire, singing and doing a choreographed dance to the song 9 to 5. See if you can pick me out. Hint: I'm wearing a yellow polka dotted blazer. 

PARIS HILTON WORDS OF WISDOM, LADIES ON A SHOWER MISSION

Is it a shot from a 1972 issue of Playboy? No! It's a modern day portrait of the lovely house burlesque troup of Skits'N'Tits, The ChiChiones. Here, two are frolicking in the tub already, waiting for the third to get with the program and ditch the pesky party pooping robe. Things are getting misty in there -- or smoky? I can't tell. Either way, a hot time is being had in that photo. Does this photo make you salivate? Save your saliva! You can see them live at the next Skits'N'Tits, alongside Kristen Schaal, Dave Hill and others, on Wed, Feb 10 @ 10 PM, 308 Bowery.

This photo was taken by Alex M. Smith who has shot for the iconic Rolling Stone and other publications. You can see more of his work HERE. I love working with Alex. He doesn't charge a ton of money and has a super high quality level. On his site are photos of Miss Exotic World Julie Atlas Muz, comedians Fred Armisen and Michael Showalter and other peeps you may or may not recognize.

Last night I was in the big opening number of the show DREAM ROLE, starring Katina Corrao, Sara Jo Allocco and Glennis McMurray. In the show were Andrea Rosen, Ann Carr, Tom Shillue, Rob Gordon, Sean Crespo and many others. It was a terrific night, each performer re-enacting songs and scenes from their fave films, as is the premise of the show. Fabulous! If I am ever on the show, I shall re-create Tina Turner in "What's Love Got To Do With It" or Bette Midler in "Beaches". That last statement is all truth.

And I'll leave you with this:

PARIS HILTON WORDS OF WISDOM -- Paris lets you know how to find success. I actually appreciate this very much! Though it's hilarious to make fun of her and it's hard to completely sympathize with her, I truly am a fan of Paris, believe it or not. I have a few secret celeb creative crushes that you might not expect -- also including Shakira, Ke$ha, Lady Gaga and more.

Enjoy your Thursday, ya silly geese.

TONITE, WED JAN 26

DREAM ROLE!

Click HERE for more info (Facebook invite)
@ 92Y Tribeca
Hudson just south of Canal
9 PM

I'm not doing a solo set, but I'm going to be part of a very special number!!

I've got more to say but I gotta run, so in the mean time, follow my blog so when I do get a minute to write that interesting thing I was going to write, you will be notified.

And then, enjoy this video of
TRIUMPH the INSULT COMIC DOG at Comix
posted by Liam McEneaney's TELL YOUR FRIENDS fundraiser

TONIGHT, TUESDAY JAN 26

Book Club Burlesque

Tonight, the show and acts are based on the book, THE CURIOUS SOFA by Odgren Weary (Edward Gorey)

	Tuesday, January 26, 2010
	8:00pm - 11:00pm
	Parkside Lounge
	317 East Houston Street

The premiere Book Club Burlesque of 2010 finds us back to familiar territory: the bizarre and surreal. This event will be another fantastic assortment of visual and performance works by very talented artists from the Lower East Side and beyond. 

For those who don't know, Book Club Burlesque is responsible for promoting sexy, literate fun through thematic choices. It is in every sense a Book Club, and in every sense a Burlesque party. It has been featured as a Voice Choice (Riverdale Sock-Hop) and features a revolving cast of eccentric contributors.

Postcard designed by Kat Millerick

Bios of contributors:

(shortened for quick read sake!)

Sabrina Chap's got classical piano skills, the ballad heartbreak of Tom Waits, the onstage antics of Phyllis Diller and the voice of a whiskey angel. Facebook fan her and check her out at sabrinachap.com or myspace.com/sabrinachap

Darlinda Just Darlinda has been working as a Burlesque Performer in New York since 2003. She coined the term “Polyester Performance”, an inspiring mixture of Burlesque, Modern Dance, Performance Art, Psychedelic Happening, Comedy Sketch, and Drag Queen Ballet. 
The Village Voice calls Darlinda a “Mastermind of Bizarre Extravaganza.” 

Agnes de Garron (aka Sister Hysterectoria) is a ballet/modern dancer/choreographer/actor who worked for 13 years as an improvisational performance artist/puppeteer with the Puppetears of Ecstasy. www.agnesdegarron.com

Jessica Delfino is a satirical musician and multi-faceted performer who likes using strange instruments in her act, such as flying V ukuleles, rape whistles and stuff like that. She is wicked honored to have been publicly denounced by the US Catholic League for her work.Visit her at www.jessydelfino.blogspot.com or google that ass and see what comes up.

Jena Friedman is a comedian, writer and actor living in New York. Jena has been compared to her childhood hero, Edward Gorey: “If an Edward Gorey line-drawing came to life, donned blue jeans and performed Stand-Up Comedy, it might resemble the Eerily Dry and Morbidly Quirky Jena Friedman (ComedyNet.com).” For more info, check out jenafriedman.com.

Nicholas Gorham is a graduate of The American Academy of Dramatic Arts and has been performing in New York since the early part of the century. Nicholas thanks all the magical geniuses in his life for their undying support in all spiritual, emotional and creative endeavors. 

Leslie Lowe
brief bio: "a veni, vidi, veci" ( I came, I saw, I conquered)

Alexis Pace NYC based Dyke, Artist and Designer. Her background in Industrial Design has inspired her to mix different materials and mediums as the inspiration dictates. Sculpture, photography, mixed media, and popsicle sticks. This is her first foray into performance.

Elizabeth Rabinovici was born in Brooklyn , Ny in 1984 and grew up in long island. She graduated with a B.F.A from the School of Visual Arts in 2008 . She currently has a studio in Bush Wick . Elizabeth Rabinovici creates sculptures, paintings , installation art and other artistic wonders

Lydia Iris Ransom is a molotov cocktail of wit and whimsy. She is the creative director of the Porcelain Babies Burlesque troupe. She was raised amidst glitter and feathers, and follows in Paula and Tanya's stiletto heeled steps. She is well educated in the etiquette of debauchery, and is newly arrived to the East.

Zombie Doll has been described by critics as "a little tea-pot, Dorothy, almost Puck-like in his sense of mischief, Holly Golightly, perky black tutu & nipple rings did the trick"- The New Lost Times.  

See the Facebook invite here

*****


QUICK ADDENDUM:


Last night I hosted Diane O'Debra's Talent Show show because Diane had somewhere she had to be. I really enjoyed myself despite one or two issues, and very much appreciated and enjoyed what everyone brought to the show. No poets showed up which was relieving, because the poetry at that show really kills the energy, most times. A few great musicians stopped by, including King Aswad who I love and lots of great comics I know came, such as Hannibal Burress, Jena Friedman, Joe Mande, Adam Lowitt, Carolyn Castiglia and Heather Fink, also Ali Wong opened the show. 


What was especially great for me was all the women who were there and my lady pals who came to work, perform, or just to hang out with me, support me and encourage me by being there, cracking jokes, making me laugh, and lookin' all good, making me look good by being around me. Sarah and her pal, Daniella, Heather, Jena, Carolyn, Steph, Diane and the rest of you, you know you rock the night and rule the school. 


And I'd like to give a shout out to Yaffa, Tom and Lisa -- 
It was great to meet you ladies and I wish you HAPPINESS and LUCK and LOVE and SUCCESS.
And nothing more and nothing less.


For a good time, go to Diane O'Debra's open mic every Monday night at 308 Bowery at 10 PM. $3.


Oh yeah, the writing contest was: WRITE AN AIDS JOKE


The winning entry: How many AIDS does it take to screw in an AIDS bulb? AIDy.

TONIGHT, MONDAY JAN 25

I will be the host of Diane O'Debra's esteemed variety open mic

TALENT SHOW

@ 10 PM

Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery

lottery sign up a little after 10

$3 to watch or perform or both

Another, more charitable option for this evening:

Liam McEneaney's TELL YOUR FRIENDS

@ Lolita Bar, corner of Broome and Allen Sts.

8 PM on

TONS of celebs are coming together for this

Haiti fundraiser including Janeane Garofalo, Lewis Black

and many more.

MORE INFO HERE

You could potentially hit Liam's and then hop on over to

Talent Show, just a few delicious blocks away.

Hope to see you somewhere soon my little Monday honey buns.
***Make sure to FOLLOW this blog so you will be updated when I post a new entry.***
Thanks for reading and shit.

And a quick PS:

LIFE UPDATE! LIFE UPDATE!

I have transformed the spare bedroom in my apartment into a full blown recording studio and I am workin workin day and night in here putting together my next album. I'm so excited to share my new project with you. Hopefully it won't suck. It is still months away, but I will be sure to update you here. For those of you who have joined the Jessica Delfino SONG OF THE MONTH club, thank you for your patience. I have a new song coming your way VERY SOON!

In the mean time, here is your new favorite video.

I don't know where this video is from or what the people in the video are saying, but they are clearly having the time of their life aboard what appears to be a cruise ship or casino boat. This video comes across as slightly sexist, and the singer of the video appears to be a dink, but there's something kind of irresistible about it anyway. Enjoy!

TONITE

Sat Jan 23

Glorious Comedy @ Poco
Ave. B and 3rd Street
New York , NY

11 PM
Cost: Free

[Map]

Glorious Comedy, hosted by Dan Enfield and Abigoliah Schamaun

I will play a few guitar songs and ONE NEW SONG inspired by a real life "event" that happened in my life today, if you can even call it an event, but the days are all blurring together so badly that even the stupidest things register as an event these days.

I spent the day working in my studio, giving guitar and vocal lessons, and writing. It was a great day of good, productive work, but I didn't really go outside at all, except to take my bike to the bike shop near my house (aptly named Da Shop) to get the rear wheel fixed where some nincompoop (yeah, I'm so mad I said it - nincompoop!) backed his (I'm going to assume it's a dude) truck (also an assumption) into my bike, mangling my precious and much used bike basket, somehow popping my rear tire, AND knocking a reflector off my back wheel, costing me luckily only $20 to repair. STILL, it's still $20 I shouldn't have had to spend if not for the stupid obliviousness and carelessness of some dumb shit for neck who hit and ran, crushing my poor, undeserving bike.

Another bone to pick with the universe re: my bike -- I'm getting really sick and tired of people using my bike basket as a garbage pail. Empty cups, cans, cigarette wrappers, plates, utensils, newspapers and more are waiting for me as my morning treats. Hey, Charlie, get your fucking crap out of my bike basket! Yeah, I said it, Charlie! Cause it's probably a guy. And he's probably Chinese. Because I live in Chinatown. And they don't care about me or my stinkin' bike.

Come see the show tonite! Hooray!

Delfino's Blog #29 in strange scientific / technological experimental comedian blog list?

**... also... **

An afternoon with Greg Sestero

How did I even find this article? Was it because I was googling myself? No. I actually found it checking stats on my blog -- someone had visited my blog due to that link. So, thank you Mo -- you'll find your retaliatory link both HERE and in my "PEEPS" section. Took me, jeez, almost 4 years to find the article! I wonder if my blog is still rated #29 of comedian blogs, etc, whatever. Read the story, here, which basically lists the 40 most popular blogs by and for comedians or some shit, according to Technorati / Mo Diggs semi-scientific / technological experiment. My blog was listed as 29 in this very specific study at one point.

So, how did YOU spend YOUR Wednesday? I had a lovely afternoon, giving a guided tour of my LES neighborhood to one Mister Greg "The Room" Sestero. We walked from Orchard and Broome around in a big circle, passing and visiting LES spots of note -- Moby's defunct(?) Teany, the store that used to be Paul's Boutique, Economy Candy...

...Welcome To The Johnson's, Sugar Sweet Sunshine cupcake joint, Spitzer's, Clemente Solo Vasquez, ABC No Rio, the 'jects, the Williamsburg Bridge, through E. TriBeCa (that's the Triangle Below Canal on the LOWER EAST SIDE, aka Lower East Chinatown), etc. We tried to visit the awesome Ale Et Ange but it wasn't open.

Ale Et Ange is a store that is in a basement space on Orchard which belongs to a fashion designer who will blow your mind. The space is so well done -- if you've never seen the place, drop by. The clothes are not for broke people, but they are really beautiful and worth every penny. When I get a cool bil, I'm going to have them make ALL my clothes.

We then we went to my local coffee shop, 88 Orchard, where Greg treated me to a cream cheese bagel (which we split) and a decaf coffee, and I thanked him by violently whipping his buns in a fierce game of afternoon Scrabble. I found Greg to be kinda brainy and clever, and he held his own at Scrabble. But I'm a super word whiz, and so I politely handed Greg his head.

Here, Greg looks slightly disheveled, having just been bludgeoned by my Scrabble wizardry and suffering from a bit of hat head which my faux cat hat has a tendency to do, but don't let his haggard look fool you -- in addition to being a star of The Room, Greg is actually a pro model. He happened to have his book with him so I took a peek through it and had literally ten minutes of fun coming up with captions to his multitude of sultry model pose looks. It's kind of fascinating to me how pro models are as freakish as a side show act in their own way -- rare, you can't look away, etc -- yet they're infinitely better paid and surrounded by men and women who want to be them, bang them, or both.

After coffee and Scrabs, I went down to the South Street Seaport for a show I'm working on which has a retardedly rigorous rehearsal schedule, running through Feb, March and into April. I'm not used to dedicating all of my time to one show and I'm hoping I'll be able to make all the rehearsals around comedy / music gigs. But this show seems really interesting and fun and unusual, and I'm very excited to see how it all pans out. And the other members of the cast are amazing. I will keep you posted as the details unravel.

**COLIN QUINN SIGNS SKATES**

**GOTH AS FUCK with DAME DARCY comes to town**

**and other upcoming shows**

Last night I went to Seth Herzog's Sweet, which has become my regular Tuesday night hang as of late. All the proceeds were going to Haiti. He was also having an American Idol contest and so, of course, I had to get up there and sing my favorite song, "Savin' All My Love For You". Zach Galifianakis or however the fuck he spells his crazy name snapped on my singing with an insult about adding powder to purify my voice. Fuck you, famous guy! I guess that was the whole gag of the bit was to insult whoever got up, but even Simon concedes now and then.

Another kid got up and sang too. I think I won, but Seth never disclosed the winner.

On the show were Colin Quinn, Jeffrey Ross, Seth's mom and others. It was a great show as usual, and I got some really useful and interesting information out of a cute bartender about why bartenders give out free drinks and to whom.

Last night was an especially chatty night and I met several new friends, including this sweet gal Sarah who happened to have her ice skates draped over her shoulder like Tonya Harding or something. She got Colin to sign them using her handy travel sharpie she had on her person. What a lucky gal!

I also met this other lady Jeruschca I think her name was. She was dressed just like me, and had the same face of one of my child hood best friends. It was surreal.

My favorite gemini witch Dame Darcy is coming to town this week, like Santa Claus. Together, we're producing a Naughty Nautical Nite at The Slipper Room, this time with the theme GOTH AS FUCK, featuring goth music, goth dress, goth burlesque and acts, and goth, goth, and more goth. Bust out the vampire fangs, listen to emo music on your way out the door, dress in black, lace and / or like a dead sailor, prizes will be given away for best dressed. $5 at the door.

NAUGHTY NAUTICAL NITE 

presents:

GOTH AS FUCK

goth burlesque, goth dress, goth music,

goth drinks, goth acts, goth raffle

dress to depress, win a prize

Doors at 8

show at 8:30 - 11:30

goth-y drinks after

SLIPPER ROOM

167 Orchard @ Stanton, NYC.

Also check out the other upcoming shows on the right hand side of my blog. Highlights include Skits'N'Tits Feb 10, I'm guest hosting Jena Friedman's Entertaining The Bartender and doing an out of town show in Boston, Mass, March 3. Also, a new SONG OF THE MONTH is coming out soon! If you haven't already, join the Jessy Delfino SONG OF THE MONTH club today!! It's free and easy.

NUDIE ON THE UKIE

No clothing required!?

I auditioned today for a TV show on a major network, thanks to a friend's referral. They wanted me to play a ukulele song in the buff. I went in and auditioned for the part, playing the song totally clothed, this time around. I don't mean to dislocate my arm patting myself on the back, but, even though I barely knew the song and had only just learned it, and didn't have it memorized 100%, I sorta nailed the audition. The casting agent was very sweet and friendly, and I left feeling really good.

As I walked through midtown, the outfit I was wearing which was a cute 40s-esque looking get up with a yellow dress that fell to my knees, a pink hat with a feather in it, and fishnet tights attracted lurkers. I guess people see fishnets and they think there's free fish around.

A coupla creep-os tailed me down 8th Ave, so I went into a clothing store and pretended to be really absorbed by the 2 ugly tee shirt for the price of 1 sale. One grubbo even had the audacity to hang out on the other side of the plate glass window, watching me, so I instinctively gave him a stern "neck slicing" motion meaning, what? Cut it out? Don't make me slice you? I guess both. I followed that up with a harsh finger to the left movement and mouthed the words "Move on". He caught my drift, nodded, and scuffled on to the next poor girl who was unfortunate enough to decide to wear a dress that day.

Once I saw he had motivated onward, I left the store and headed quickly towards the subway. A few more hyenas tried to tag alongside me, but I was in no mood to play, so I tossed a few, "Screw off"'s and "Leave me alone"'s around, and the sharks seemed to instantly find better things to do. It was the first time I've felt nervous walking down the street in NYC in a long time.

I called a friend once off the subway and discussed the potential nude uke gig. Not that I'm even hired yet at all! But it crossed my mind that if chosen for this role, they are going to want me to deliver my nude bod and a ditty, and I'm going to have to follow through. For some reason, that didn't really click until after I'd left the audition. A gig is never really booked until the car is there to pick me up. So, what would it hurt to audition, get my name and face in front of a noted casting agent? The worst that could happen is that she might never call me for anything ever. No sweat off my beef curtains. We concocted a list of pros and cons:

PROS

* I get money

* I get LOTS of um, exposure

* I get to play my uke on a major TV show

* You get to see my ta tas (they're not too shabby if I do say so, myself)

CONS

* I'd be naked on TV -- my PARENTS might even be watching!

* I'd be naked on TV -- my GRAND PARENTS might even be watching!

* I'd be naked on TV -- my sisters, friends, enemies, the goobers who followed me down 8th Ave might be watching!

* I'd be remembered as "that naked ukelele girl", which has it's pros, too, sorta?

* Strangers would probably come up to me and be like, "Hey! You're that naked ukulele girl!" while I'm trying to eat a sandwich or ride the subway.

* I probably wouldn't get paid much more than enough to buy a large pizza.

I guess first I'll have to see if they even want me. And then, who knows? Maybe I could actually be talked into a shakin it naked. What do you think? Should I take it all off? Or should I keep it all on?

Leave a comment below with your feedback -- and be niiiice.

It was a 2 post-er weekend

SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY

If you're up on your J Delly blog, you know that I spent Saturday night watching Avatar in 3-D. But, what did I do on Sunday? I bet you're dying to know! And who am I to keep you from knowing the answer to that pressing question?

I had a terrificly adventurous Sunday, in fact, thanks for asking.

SUNDAY MORNING

I woke up early on Sunday to audition to be a Lady Gaga back up singer in her tour. Yeah, I know what you're thinking -- "But Jessica, you're a star! You're not some mere back up singer." True, but try seeing things from MY perspective -- "Why the hell not?" That is (one of) my (several dozen) motto(s) in life and it has gotten me thus far.

It seemed to me an obvious, no-brainer. Lady Gaga and I are two fruits from the same tree. Look at Bilge Baron circa 2006 and Lady Gaga's image from her Fame Monster campaign. Bilge Baron bleeding from her eyes was a natural instinct for me, and actually represented the torture of witnessing the truths of life. Or some shit.

I arrived a few minutes late, due to having a little bit of trouble getting a cab dressed as a maniac. When I arrived in midtown at the audition, I was surrounded by dozens of slightly freakishly dressed models of the same age and size who were dressed nowhere near as freakish as I was. The receiving lady was wicked rude and patronizing, as to be expected, right on cue. I had my 10 second audition where I sung a snippet of my pop song of choice, Whitney's "Saving All My Love For You" dressed like an utter maniac. I did not get my instant call back, and left relieved.

Your faithful author as Haunted Pu55y's Bilge Baron for Lady Gaga's back up singer audition.

SUNDAY AFTERNOON

I hoofed it down 9th Ave and across town through Times Square to a green screen studio in the Flat Iron area to where my friend Derrick Beckles was filming a little video he invited me to be in. I arrived looking like a mess from hell, soaking wet. On my way to the studio, a few gentlemen hooted and hollared at me, one asking me if my blue drawn on tears were tattoos, tailing me for a block. When I finally said to him, "Don't follow me, please", he got so offended that I assumed he was following me that he said, "Damn! I wouldn't follow you anywhere!" Except for down the block, which he forgot to mention, but it was assumed on my part based on the evidence.

I shot my small but fun part in the video, also featuring Gavin McInnes who I appreciate deeply and fear slightly. I observed when shirtless, he has a 30s board walk beach man body. The bartender moustache also really helps seal the deal. He conceded, saying he loves that look.

I boogied outta there in time to have a late brunch (more like linner) with Greg Sistero and various assorted members of the Kong Magazine production party planned for later Sunday evening. It started hilariously late and once we finally all got situated, someone immediately knocked a glass of champagne over onto Greg's lap. I laughed for no less than 10 minutes at the sheer comedy of it all, and then quickly took to Greg who was sitting on my right, due to his irresistibly amicable nature and stunning good looks. It was like looking into a mirror.

After brunch, I ran off into the rainstorm and prepared for my Kong Party hosting duties scheduled to begin around 9 that night at Pianos. The show started a bit late but went off, all in all, pretty well. We were entertained by Anna Copacabanna, Saadi & Pajammers, comedians Jena Friedman, James Harris, David Cope and Sean Patton, gave away literally a dozen ridiculously sized and shaped sex toys, screened the amazing cult sensation film, "The Room"(starring Greg Sistero, who intro'd it and did a Q & A after) which was so hilariously bad you couldn't look away. Unfortunately, I had to look away, because I was running back and forth hosting the shows up and downstairs. I believe I heard that a second drink was also spilled on Greg. Now, that's a party.

I think Kong Magazine is going to start doing a monthly bash, so keep your ears tuned in for more info about that.

And THAT was my Sunday. Monday has been much more relaxed. Just me and the cat, staring down Ludlow Street with a dreamy look in our eyes.

NOTE: The seal on the window is broke so it's foggy. The dirt is on the OUTSIDE of the window. The fancy iPhone does not capture things as my eyes see them. And that concludes my notes.