Wednesday, June 29, 2005

What's going on in Jessica Delfino's Brain on Wednesday, June 29th at 9:25 pm:

You can mother-find anything in the trash. My friend threw away a big, nice, working TV today. He also threw away shit he shat out.

Is there anyone in the world who still doesn't have an Ipod? If there is, will someone tell him that the trend is old enough that it's okay to buy one now? Oh, that person is me.

Are you supposed to spell Ipod a special way? Like, capital I lowercase pod, or lower case i, capital pod?

Is there a god? Does he have a pod?

I ate tomatoes and mozzarella on onion rolls for lunch today. And I complain about being poor. (Mostly just to other poor people.)

Who invented the pen? Were the person who invented the stapler and the person who invented the paper clip friends or enemies? Were they contemporaries?

Contemporary Enemy is a good name for a shitty rock band from Nebraska.

I shot the sherriff, twice, with a water gun full of my own urine. But I didn't shoot the deputy. Yet.


Monday, June 27, 2005


I forgot how very important it truly is. I had breakfast for the first time in a while today. I normally don't rise until 11 o' noon, but today I woke up early because a Fed Ex guy rang my buzzer with a package. I never trust people who ring my buzzer if I'm not expecting visitors. So, of course, I assumed it was a rapist or a robber. I said, "Hello?" The person responded with a muffled grumbled "Fed Ex" but I wasn't buying it. Fed Ex never delivers stuff to my house. I'm not important enough to be getting Fed Exed packages.

So, I tested him. "Fed Ex, huh? Well, then who's the package for?" There was silence for a minute, then he responded, "I can't hear you." Ha! I thought. Totally a criminal's response. So, I buzzed him in. In the end, my curiosity of what was in the package overrode my fear of getting raped / robbed. Plus, I had a chain across my door. What was he gonna do, kick my door open? Probably easily. But my overwhelming curiosity took precedence.

Imagine my delight when a man wearing an actual Fed Ex costume came to my door with a real live package. His outfit seemed legitimate, so I let him in. He asked me to sign the package. I did. He left. I sighed a sigh of relief!

Then...the phone rang. My friend asked me to go eat breakfast. I did. It was delish. We had eggs and salad. That's what skinny girls eat for breakfast. If the Fed Ex man hadn't rang the buzzer, I wouldn't have been awake to answer the phone (which is strategically located far from my bed so I either won't answer it if it rings or once I answer it will have to get up because I'll be "up.")


Thursday, June 23, 2005

I was asked to submit information to someone who is writing a story about orgasms. So I wrote this's a story about orgasms and me.

IF YOU ARE MY MOM: I can't be held responsible for the emotions you experience after reading this. I would recommend that you don't.

IF YOU ARE MY SISTERS: You can read this, but please don't give me any shit about it.

The Story of O

I'm Italian, and I don't know if that means anything, but my boyfriend told me that the only other girl who could have what he called "vaginal orgasms" (I'm sorry, but I don't know what other kinds there are) was also Italian (and crazy, as all women who he's ever dated have been according to him, including myself. But I'm only 10% crazy, he says...she was 60% crazy. Hey, we should celebrate our little achievements, no matter how small.)

So, perhaps being Italian (or being crazy) has something to do with having orgasms during regular sex. I've always considered the Italian people to be very passionate people, similar to the way Hispanic people tend to be viewed, but not quite as...Hispanic.

I lost my virginity at age 14 to a much older boy (19!) and I had an orgasm with him very accidentally. It was shocking at the time, and I commented to him that "something weird was happening." He said, "Are you having an orgasm?" I didn't know what that meant, so I just ignored the comment, and soon the weird thing ended.

Later, with another boyfriend in highschool, I again had an accidental orgasm. We were at a party and decided to go into the upstairs bathroom to smoke some pot, which escalated into spontaneous, hot, "bathroom floor" sex. Almost immediately, that weird feeling happened and I started to, I guess, moan, which apparently scared the shit out of him so he pushed me off of him very quickly, saying we had to stop because his mother told him to watch out for me, because she thought I wanted to get pregnant. (Which is ridiculous - who doesn't want to get pregnant? Everyone knows kids make great pets.)

That was the last orgasm I had for several years. I dated another guy for the rest of high school, and sex with him was something we'd do until we got tired. It was fun to watch his adorable face contort into silly expressions as he finished, but other than that, I didn't get much out of it.

At age 19, I moved to LA for a bit and dated a guy out there who always insisted I masturbate myself to orgasm. He was six years older than me, and would always encourage me to masturbate while he'd watch almost patronly, guiding me around my own vagina. By the time our relationship had ended (when I decided to finally flee that shithole LA), he had taught me how to have an orgasm, regularly, whenever I wanted to have one. Even though he was one of the most brief and least remarkable of boyfriends I've ever had, he certainly left me with the best parting gift.

To this day, I can orgasm almost every time I have sex, but not effortlessly. I have to think about it. It isn't something that just happens the way it did accidentally when I was 14. I have to clear my mind of the distracting thoughts of errands that need to be run, or work that needs to be done, and fantasize. I used to fantasize about boobs and that would initiate an orgasm almost immediately. Then, boobs escalated to NC-17 and then R rated sex scenes, until I began dating a porn addict who insisted on watching porn while he screwed me. Unfortunately, it has escalated now to pretty dyer fantasies. I sometimes have to fantasize about very dramatic, sometimes violent sexual encounters in order to orgasm. Not always, but pretty often. I fantasize about men forcing themselves onto somewhat unwilling women, or police abusing prisoners sexually (I'm almost embarrassed to write that), and sometimes worse. I'm usually not involved in the fantasies. But sometimes all it takes is an image of two pretty naked girls kissing. But I rarely ever orgasm to fantasies of having sex with my boyfriend. In any relationship I've ever had.

I also notice that I won't have an orgasm with a guy who I've just started being sexual with. It often takes months or longer of sex with a new boyfriend to be able to regularly orgasm. That has to do with my own comfort level with a person. I'm too nervous the first thirty times we have sex to be able to relax - I'm too concerned with looking sexy and impressing him with my ultra hot bod. (And not making dumb facial expressions.)

But I learned just this year that I can masturbate to orgasm in the shower with the water stream (which isn't even very strong) without barely any effort or thought at all.

I've never had multiple orgasms, but I have had two in one day. Never two in one session. It usually takes a few hours to reset, I've noticed, but then again, I've never had a boyfriend who was interested in really focusing and trying to make me have two orgasms in one sitting. I did date one guy who I thought maybe I had a multiple orgasm with, but now looking back on it, I think that I wanted to believe he had, but I was just having a prolonged tingling sensation from the first one. I don't even know if multiple orgasms exist. Some women and men really insist that they do, but I've never met someone who told me that they have multiple orgasms who wasn't insane. And I never believe men who tell me that they gave their past girlfriends multiple orgasms. I think either they are lying or their girlfriends were lying. But I could be wrong. But I'm probably not.

One thing I've learned about getting off is that there isn't much to it - I can get off through sex or masturbating or oral (if done right), but the basic truth of an orgasm (and I think that anyone who "can't orgasm" probably doesn't know this) is that the clit has to be stimulated steadily by mouth, tongue, pelvis, water stream, or otherwise, with some kind of lubrication, and it helps to go mentally to a sexy place.

I think that's the "secret" to having an orgasm - and it's even more important than genetics. I almost want to say that pulling the genetics card is a cop out for women who are simply too insecure or shy or nervous to let loose and enjoy the gift of fuck that god gave us.

So, yes, maybe there's even a little sociopathy involved in being able to orgasm.

Thursday, June 16, 2005


I am having a problem with the internet / my computer, and mailing my Diatribe is getting increasingly more difficult. I'm waiting on a new computer which may help things. In addition, NY Press & I are still working out the details of Delfino's Diatribe, so it isn't going to be on the website this week as was previously thought (and mentioned in the diatribe). So, I've decided to just for now put it on my blog weekly until I fix everything up all pretty.

So...enjoy. It's a little dated...but still a Diatribe.


WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15th, 2005

CHINATOWN WEATHER REPORT: Hazy and humid with a chance
of tons of spit on the sidewalk.

***SHAMELESS PLUG***: This is the last chance you have to vote for your favorite comedians to win awards in the ECNY Awards 2005. This year's award ceremony will be held on Thursday, June 23rd at Upright Citizen's Brigade - The ECNY Awards voting website is:



Delfino’s Diatribe will be a regular addition to starting in a date that is still to be determined.
Due to some computer technical difficulty, it may not be going to the
list as it was weekly. In the meantime, you can find it every Thursday
at Then once I get it right, it will
stay that way hopefully forever, but at least until the nuclear bomb hits
sometime in 2012. (NOTE: Date is a rough estimate,
given to me by a commuter on the Staten Island Ferry,
who cited his source as an angel.) If you are on the
mailing list, you might start receiving Delfino’s
Diatribe in your in-box every week again, or you might
never receive it in your inbox again. Email me at to get on or off the mailing list.


NY Press is a free alternative weekly paper that is
more ballsy than the Voice, less grandiose than the
Sun or the Observer, less snooty than the NY Times,
but much funnier and at least as intelligent, wittier
and more playful, and if you actually read the NY
Daily News or the NY Post instead of using them as
they should be used – to line your kitty shit boxes –
I don’t know if my words will make sense in your
brain. But I hope they will. I do truly hope they
will. You might remember NY PRESS from a few months
back when they made the news with a joke article about
the pope dying. Some said it was in bad taste. I don’t
think there are any sacred cows in comedy, but if
America wants their sacred pope cow, that is fine with
me. I just wonder what God would say about everyone
calling the pope a cow.

NOTE TO NEW READERS OF DD: I have been sending out
issues of Delfino’s Diatribe to my mailing list for
seven weeks prior to being run on NYPRESS.COM. If
you’d like old issues of DD, please email asking me
for them at

I saw this article in the Advocate, a gay-oriented
news source from somewhere gay. Basically, it says
that LOGO, MTV’s gay-oriented cable network has
acquired a promising comedy line-up. But the article
should have been about how MTV HAS a gay-oriented
network. I thought MTV WAS their gay-oriented network.


Daily Variety reports that MTV's gay-oriented cable
network Logo has ordered six episodes of the stand-up
comedy series Wisecrack , which features performances
from Judy Gold, Vicki Shaw, Miss Coco Peru, Doug
Holsclaw, Page Hurwitz, and Advocate columnist Alec
Mapa. Shows were taped at the Abbey, a West Hollywood,
Calif., bar-restaurant.


This once again raises the important issue of whether
or not Judy Gold is actually gay or just plain
fabulous? At 6’12” with dramatic eyes and an
intimidating presence, if she is homosexual, I’m about
to coin the industry term is lesbolicious to describe
this “queen” of comedy. Or is Ms. Gold simply riding
the gay-vy train? Hm hm hm. With a beloved precious
metal of gays for a second name, I’d dare say this
diamond is, without a doubt, a girl’s best friend.
Jimmy Page is my hero for a number of reasons. He was
hot for like, 40 years. He’s Led Zeppelin. He looks
great in a dragon-decorated suit. And he rocks like he
didn’t junk out for most of his young life. He lives
in Alestair Crowley’s old mansion. He’s friends with
Satan. If that isn’t enough reasons to dig Jimmy Page,
read Hammer of the Gods or watch The Song Remains The
Same. Now do it again while high. Now do it again
while high again. At 108 years old, Jimmy Page’s face
has gotten all fat for some reason, but he’s still
making the news in England – and in my heart. This
story is the epitomy of news you can’t use, but the
thing that tickled me about this story was what the
queen asked him.


LONDON - Veteran rockers Jimmy Page, Brian May, Midge
Ure and John Mayall are on Queen Elizabeth's annual
birthday honours list. (NOTE: Get a load of the
spelling of honours…how debonair!)
For at least two of the honourees, it marked a big
step up in recognition since March, when the Queen
encountered Page and May at a Buckingham Palace
reception and asked, "What do you do?"

Someone’s a royal idiot. Looks like Satan forgot to
inform a few important people that Led Zeppelin were
in fact, the most famous rock band in the world. So
much for making deals with the devil. This brings up
another important issue. Where does one GO to sign a
deal with Satan? Can you call 311 and get the number?
Do you have to send a SASE? Do you have to know
someone? What executives do you have to blow to get a
deal with Bezelbub? I bet Satan hangs out in comedy

This section features things you can do with your
life, you know, besides waste it.

The 25th Atlantic Film Festival (Sept. 15-24) has
extended the call for entry deadline for film
submissions to June 24. The form is available for
download from the film festival website at, under "Filmmakers &
Delegates." This is the first year where is no entry

What do you get when you cross rape with a monkey?
An international lawsuit starring Michael Jackson


*** - I’m in it (or into it)
### - I’m not in it (but still into it)

Slipper Room, 167 Orchard St. at Stanton St. 9 PM. $5?
Paco Doubledown used to have his show upstairs at
Piano’s every Sunday night. It was a strange little
open mic which Paco Doubledown hosted, with
multi-media bits and a cunty bartender. You’d get to
do one song or a few jokes or one number or bit or
what have you, and if the audience liked you, they
were encouraged to applaud very loudly, allowing a
two-fer, which gave you permission to do a second
piece. The show has been cancelled for a while, but is
back now at the Slipper Room. Paco is part Craig
Kilborn, part Las Vegas lounge act style host. He’s
adorably smarmy and always entertaining. And not
Mexican, as his name might lead you to believe. It’s a
terrific show. Shows every Wednesday in June – 6/15,
6/22, 6/29. Next Week: HAUNTED PUSSY and other acts grace the stage.

Veteran entertainer and talent scout Paco Doubledown
hosts this magical night of burlesque and musical
performance, offering tips to aspiring entertainers
from his entertainucational teaching series -- The
Keys to Success: I Have Them, But I Can Make You a

WEBISODE featuring Jessica Delfino and other
performers. This website is run by a group of smart,
clever guy and gal performers. Billed as
“internet-based comedy”, they allow themselves to go
around a lot of bureaucracy by heading straight to the
web. Their shit is tight! We taped mine and other
segments at the White Box in Soho, and it looks really
beautiful. They are all very talented, so go to the
site to view the trailers and previous webisodes. I’m
very glad to be involved in this project. On a side
note, Sam Reich’s dad is some special government dude.
He was there for the shoot the day I was filmed, and
was a guest on the Daily Show that evening. In
addition to being smart, funny and attractive, these
guys are plugged IN, bi-yatches, so make friends with
them now before they get too famous to return your

***FRIDAY, JUNE 17th: MORTIFIED NYC, June 17 & 19th at
The Magnet Theatre, 8 PM. Tickets $10 at
MORTIFIED is a show at the Magnet Theater wherein
performers revisit their embarrassing childhoods for
the audience’s enjoyment. Performers read from old
journals, show old projects and otherwise incorporate
stuff they did back when they were children. On this
show, I will be presenting some songs from my 6th
grade white girl pop-rap group “The Three
Flabbergasted Cows”, debuting singles off our hit
tape, “Cowgirls & Indians.” I was a little
racist-remark making rabble rouser even back then.
Other guests on the show include: Giulia Rozzi, Julie
Brister, Qraig DeGroot, Abby Gross on Friday, Ria
Suozzo on Sunday,
Laurie Sandell, Lianne Stokes, Jon Friedman, Tasha
Space and Will Nolan. I have heard this show is very
successful and have been selling out, so if you are
interested in attending, you might want to RSVP.

###SATURDAY, JUNE 18th: PLEDGE BREAK, a play by Elisa
DeCarlo, Pelican Studio Theatre, 3 PM, 750 Eighth Ave
(46th/47th St), Sixth Floor, $15 cash only,
Reservations Highly Recommended: (212) 462-3064
I don’t know what this play is about, but Ann Carr is
in it, so it should be good. Ann Carr, as I’ve
mentioned in past diatribes, is a very dynamic funny
character actor. If you’ve ever wanted to try a
character out, you should check out her work. This
play is described as “nutty and crazy with fun written
all over it.” Other performance dates and times
available. Call the number above for more information.
I’m not your god damn operator.

Highbrow public television has never stooped so low!
Directed by Aaron Haber. Featuring: Ann Carr, Jordan
Cerruti, Myles Evans, Fernando Gambaroni, Bob
Greenberg, Jeremiah Holmes, Karl Itzkowitz, Stacee
Manderville, Jennifer Mushkin, Maria Olivares, Emily
Russo, Matt Scott, Michele St. John and Natasha Welch.

Unconscious, 279 Church St at White St.
Faceboy’s open mic is one of the longest running open
mics in NYC. There is always a crowd of bizarre
performers. You get six minutes of stage time for $3.
And you can bring your own beer!!!

***MONDAY, JUNE 20st: SHOW N’ TELL, starring HAUNTED
PUSSY as the opening act, Bowery Poetry Club, 308
Bowery at 1st St., $3, 10 PM SHARP.
SHOW N’ TELL is the rockinest open mic in the city.
Hosted by the O’Debra Twins, they attract a huge
audience with upwards of 50 or so people each week,
and believe it or not, MANY of them are just regular
people who come to watch the show. (Because it’s THAT
good.) If you’ve never seen the O’Debra Twins, imagine
two girls who are not actual twins, stuck in perverted
sixth grade reality where they perform choreographed
dance numbers to 80s hits for whoever they can rope
into watching them, tell awkward vulgar jokes and
bits, show short films, and interject a variety of
surprises. In between their hi-jinks is an open mic
featuring comedians, musicians, poets, dancers and
politicians, sometimes even famous ones. There is also
a drinking contest, a writing contest and unplanned
mayhem – even occasional nudity. Every week, there is
an opening act that does a 20 minute set. Tonight,
histrionic fear-metal band HAUNTED PUSSY stops by to
scare the bejesus out of anyone old or sensitive in
the audience. Haunted Pussy is a rock band which hails
from the LES, NYC. They have two lead singers, “like
Heart”, a “soul-shredding” guitarist, and a “ghost”
drummer. They have been hailed in the Village Voice,
NY Press, Time Out NY, and many other publications,
according to their website. They sound weird because
they are. However, they do tend to rock the shit out
of their audiences. Learn more at

NOTE: I encourage EVERYONE who performs to attend this
open mic, even if only one time. Yes, sometimes you
have to wait for a spot. Sometimes you have to wait
all night. But even if you go late, there is always an
attentive, performance-hungry audience. And if you
actually care about art at all, and aren’t just a
selfish dick running in to get your mic off, you might
even appreciate the other extremely talented
performers which always grace the show. Sure, not
every act is a winner, but most are true gems. I
perform on this show EVERY WEEK, and find it is the
best open mic in town to try out both old and new

###TUESDAY, JUNE 21st: JAB, Punch Lounge, 7:30 PM, 913
Broadway, btw. 20th and 21st Sts. 212-673-6333.
FROM THE L MAGAZINE: New York’s best stand-ups, hosted
by Katie McCabe. At 9 PM, DJ David Handsome spins pop,
rock, new wave and electro.


In this segment, I talk about customer service in NYC.
NYC has the worst customer service I’ve ever seen
anywhere. And why not? Customers are assholes and
services are run by other assholes. Everyone’s getting
paid minimum wage to take your shit, and companies
like Kinko’s and Sprint PCS exist solely to rip people

Today, we focus on yuppie hell-hole 88 Orchard, the
children of NYC and their bastardization of the
lemonade stand, and the company who makes the
elevators in my building. Also – learn the secret of
being rich, as told to me by a very wealthy

Visit to read all the
juicy details.


I celebrated a birthday a few days ago. Yes, I’m a
Gemini, whatever the hell that means. I don’t think it
means shit, but all week long people have been
exclaiming into my face with glee, “You’re a Gemini!
WOW!” And then following it up by telling me that
their roommate or someone else they know who I do not
care about is also a Gemini.

Everyone likes birthday gifts, and I am no different.
However, I also know that people in NYC are busy. Most
of my friends don’t have time to shop for gifts, and
even if they did, I’d rather they didn’t waste their
money buying me trinkets or crap from some lame gift
shop owned by a semi-circle of fat millionaires. But I
want attention, and I want people to give a shit about
me on my birthday.

Enter BAD BIRTHDAY POETRY. Last year, my boyfriend
started to suggest to people that they write bad
birthday poems to friends on their birthdays. I
enjoyed writing dumb ditties to people on the backs of
napkins, and the recipient always seemed to enjoy it.
Sure, maybe they’d rather have a free dinner or a gift
certificate to Virgin Records, but I’d like seven
tits. We can’t always get what we want.

Around the time my birthday rolled around, I decided
for the first time in years to have a birthday party.
I thought it’d be fun to have a theme party, but
wasn’t sure what to do. 80s dance off? Too gay.
Roaring 20s costume ball? Too super gay/cliché/dumb.
Any other theme? Equally vomitorious. So I decided to
go with the bad birthday poetry idea, but with a twist
– everyone would be encouraged to answer the question
“Are you glad I was born?” in the form of a lousy
poem, and then given a microphone and some backdrop
music to read them to. The bad birthday poem party was
born, and was a huge success.

A ton of people came to my party. Yuengling liked the
idea and gave me 6 free cases of birthday beer to
drunken my friends with. A few papers listed the
shindig, and we took over my boyfriend’s building’s
roof deck to throw the event. I wasn’t sure if people
would actually be into it or not, but I was delighted
to see tons of writer and performer types, bad poems
in hand, approach the mic one after another and read
me their crappy tributes. Some were nice, some were
mean, some were hilarious – most were too good.

It was such a fun success that we decided to do it
again this year. I had the party at the Bowery Poetry
Club so I could actually host a lot of people, and not
have to worry so much about certain obvious elements –
cleaning up the mess afterwards, buying booze, etc.
Again, shit loads of people showed up. Dunkin Donuts
gave me a ton of free donuts. Everyone, again,
delighted and impressed me with their awful notes.
Strangers, friends, weirdos came, wielding dumb,
beautiful poems – all for me.

It made me feel great to get all these poems. Some
were funny, some were obnoxious, all were beloved. The
audience laughed and cheered each poet, and I gave
each reader a book of last year’s bad poems. Luckily
for me, most of my friends and colleages are
enormously talented, so it wasn’t as shitty as a
poetry party might sound. Most of my friends are
hilarious comedians. That definitely helps.

I had such a great time, I want to spread the word and
the idea. If someone you know is having a birthday and
you’d like to give them something but don’t have the
money, just write them a bad birthday poem. The key,
however, is that it HAS to be bad. Spiff it up, if you
like. Add some glitter, write it on fancy paper, make
it 3-D. However you choose to make it special, bad
poetry is a gift that always leaves the birthday boy
or girl a bit bewildered and simultaneously enchanted.
We can’t all be loaded with dough to buy all our
friends cars and hos.

It was a great party. If you missed it, you can come
to the next one. I hope to have it at the Bowery
again. Admission, as always, will be one lousy poem.

For more diatribes, visit

And in closing: Please email me any comedy news, shows, tips, compliments, insults, marriage proposals, snacks or what have you to
Here's a video of "I Wanna Be Famous" on-line, for those of you who have heard the song on this site and would like to hear a new song.

Click on "White Box".

Let me know what you think.

Also -

Check it, check it, one two, one two...

Tuesday, June 14, 2005


I am guest hosting Chicks N Giggles tonight - it's Nichelle's show.
433 E. 6th St. btw. 1st and A. 8:30 PM. FREE show.

Adira Amram
Diane O'Debra
Blood Puddle
Amey Goerlich
Diana Adams
Amber Tozer
Amy Pacheko

This is going to be the best show that RAGA ever saw, yo. EVERY SINGLE ONE of these bitches is really fucking talented. So talented, I have to swear a lot.

Adira plays the keyboard and sings silly love songs while wearing very ornate outfitry. Diane O'Debra is one half of the O'Debra Twins. She's awesome as an O'Deb, but her solo stand-up is VERY smart and funny. She's inspiring. Blood Puddle is the female Tenacious D. Amey Goerlich is a UCB improv comedian, very funny and sharp! She'll be auditioning for SNL soon. Diana Adams is like the O'Debra Twins distant relative. Amber Tozer is a super awesome funny stand-up, not to mention pretty foxy. Amy Pacheko is a very dry, wry-witted stand-up comedian who is actually kind of clean, and she still manages to be funny. I host.

Should be dynamite!

Monday, June 13, 2005

Bad Birthday Poetry Party

Holy fun...last night's bad birthday poetry party was a total success. I'd like to thank everyone who came, everyone who wrote and/or read poems, everyone who gave me presents and everyone, period.

I haven't had so much fun since last year's bad birthday poetry party at Rape N Cry. Here's a cliff notes version of the party:

The show opened up with Dottie Lux and Veronica Sweet of the Red Hots (burlesquers) appreciating me on stage. I then took the mic and hosted my own party/show. I found it very liberating to be getting on stage with no material, half a plan, and the start of a beer buzz. I invited each person to come to the stage and read or recite a bad birthday poem they'd written for me. People were excited to get on stage and read, not apprehensive (I'm friends with a bunch of performers, luckily) and as they read their lame lyrics, Brer Brian and Touching You dueted on pianos in the backdrop.

Some of the wonderfully funny and talented performers who passed on their poems, jokes, lyrics and songs were Shauna Lane, Tanya and Diane O'Debra, Angry Bob, Touching You, Sam Reich and the boys and gal(s) of, Tom Nevin (my favorite poem writer of last year), Milton Katz, Liz Maher, Jennifer Blowdryer, Moonshine, Adira Amram, and many others. At the end of each poem, I handed everyone a booklet of last year's poems, hugged and kissed them, and sent them off with a donut. (Dunkin Donuts at Houston and Ave B gave me a bunch of free donuts for the party!) Some people even won hand made awards by me for their super lousy poetry. I also taped the whole show.

Some highlights:

*Michael Turlo gave me a huge photo of Bilge Baron of Haunted
*The kids showed us the trailor for their upcoming show (starring ME!) and part of a great webisode they wrote...
*Diane O'Debra told Jessica Jokes - jokes all about me - to a very amused audience...
*Sam Reich's poem was my overall favorite, thanking my mom's and grandmother's vaginas and my grandfather's and father's penises for my birth
*Tanya O'Debra called my boyfriend a "douchebag" from the audience when she asked him what he gave me for my birthday and he paused before answering "two poems!" (but in case you're all wondering, he bought me a bottle of white wine, wrote me two bad birthday poems and re-wrote about me the lyrics to a song I wrote for him.)(Sidenote: my boyfriend doesn't celebrate birthdays, just like a jehovah's witness, except he's not one!)(Sidenote: It was also his idea to write lousy birthday poems, so without him, this party never would have happened...or it would have happened, but wouldn't have had birthday poems.)
*Strangers and friends alike congregated to read me lousy poems.
*It was a fucking great time, all in all.

Here are a few gems of the evening:

by Diane O'Debra

Fuck Janet Reno
She's no Jessica Delfino
Jessica's the best
She aced her AIDS test

Dear Jess,
by Debbie Shea

Dear Jess,

U (as in you)
Ripped through your mom's vag
Loud and lovely
Obviously are
Welcome you are
On the day you were born
Rock on
Never stop what you're doing

I'm Dying To Beat Up Your Boyfriend
by Brer Brian

I'm dying to beat up your boyfriend
I'm hurting to hurt him real bad
To rip off his scalp...
Throw him down off the Alps...
To do this would make me feel glad.
I'm pining to punish your boyfriend...
I'm be happy to hand him a smack.
It would make me feel fine
I fractured his spine
With a boot to the ass of his crack.
I'd love to lay gloves on your boyfriend
If you want me to, just let me know
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah
And then I would make you my ho.

Answer to "Are you glad I was born?"
by Jin

Otherwise I would not be here tonight at your party.
Secondly, I appreciate persons who speak about personal details of their lives, whether they are true or false.
Lastly, it's okay to cry without reason, even often.

This won "Crappiest Poem" award:

Happy Birthday Jessica
by Moonshine

Unicorn Lady, sail away
to enchanting rivers of soul
birth love of many mothers
plunge efforlessly in
to a consistent abyss
of wonder. Dazzle
Dazzle. Fin.

Liz Maher read a second poem, but she gave to me this poem on my actual birthday:

On The Subject of Jessica Delfino

We shoul dhave gone to all girls school together
because we would have most certainly become
teenage witches with scraped up knees from the black
top from playing hours of ouidgie board trying to
summon the dead lady that lived up the street and
who was eaten by rats and cuts all over our palms
from trying to become blood sisters over and over.
And you would have shown me how to force myself
into a black out by pressing the heals of my hands on
my throat and I would have pointed out that your cat
looks remarkably like David Bowie and we would
have made potions and spells out of wet and wild
lipgloss and turpentine and glitter and hamster shit
and dismantled my smurfette doll as a sacrificial
voodoo virgin to the masters of the universe and then
what would we have cared about anyone who wasn't

FINALLY, this was my favorite poem of the evening:

To Jessica on Her Birthday
by Sam Reich

To Jessie on her birthday
May she many happy more
But it is not to Jessie
For her birth I'm thankful for

It's Jessie's mom's vagina
which contorted as it strained
Until the drapes unfolded
and a Jessica remained.

And Jessie's mom's vagina
Which received the little seed
That Jessie's father's penis
planted there and guaranteed

Yet even to these genitals
I do not give my heart
For Jessie's mother's mother's
hoo-ha also played a part.

And Jessie's mother's father's
Shlong, and father's mother's twat,
and father's father's father's
hairy, scary counterpart.

And so to answer Jessie's
Question: "I was born. You glad it?"
I would be could I lose the thought
of dead people going at it.

These poems and more will go into the 2006 birthday book of bad poetry, should there be such a party, or such a year.

Thank you again to everyone who came, didn't come, wrote poems, and have teeth, or don't have teeth. If you didn't write a poem prior to this party, you can write one now if you like, but it won't make the book. If you didn't read it or give it to me at the show, it probably won't make the book either, unless it shimmers with glory. You missed it. You flaked, or were busy, or preoccupied. You fucked up. Too bad. Try again next year.

Thank you, and see you next year. Or tomorrow.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Delfino's Diatribe

Starting this coming Wednesday, Delfino's Diatribe will be available at New York Press's website -

I am not sure if I'll still be mass mailing it or not. Any suggestions or advice in regards to this is much appreciated...please email me any shows, upcoming comedy info or interesting tidbits, as always.

And sorry about no Diatribe this week; I'm saving it up for a big fat one next Wednesday.


I'm so poor...

How poor are you?

I'm so poor, when my boyfriend and I hump, I fantasize about air conditioning!

(one person claps, one person laughs hysterically, three people chuckle, one person sucks the last of their drink loudly through a straw)

Have a nice thingy.
Bad Poetry & Cake

Hi. If you like me, cake and writing lousy poems, please come to my birthday party this Sunday, June 12th at 308 Bowery - The Bowery Poetry Club, from 8-10 pm.

The theme is: Are you glad I was born? Please answer in the form of a lousy poem.

Admission: One lousy poem. (free!)

Note: Awards will be given out for creativity, humor and other signs of intelligence.

Performances by The Red Hots (sexy, smart burlesquers), Touching You & Mike Dobbins (as Narcissist), Eurotrash, Jessica Delfino and YOU! Come to the stage and read your poem aloud over soothing guitar backdrops provided by Brer Brian and Mr. You, or you can choose to deliver them to me privately for my own viewing later. If you'd like to have someone else read your poem, that can be arranged, too. Please have fun with this! Treat it like a poem-y roast...

After, stay for Jennifer Blowdryer's play, "White Trash Debutantes" or join us as we relocate the party to Cinema Classics/Rififi.

Last year, Tom Nevin wrote my favorite poem. I can't remember all of it, just this much:

When I write rape jokes, people call me a hater
I look too much like a rape perpetrator
but Jessica's rape jokes cause none to berate her
it's just like magic, she's a rape prestidigator

Cause her wit is keen, she fills me with mirth
So hail to the queen, Here's to her birth

A + Tom Nevin!!!

I will be presenting a booklet of last year's poems this year, but I couldn't find Tom's poem. So it might get left out. I do hope not, but time is running out. Among the assorted precious gems are sparkling numbers by Chelsea Peretti ( Joe ( cartoons), Tanya O'Debra (O' and Alex Zaitchik (editor of NY Press).

Hope to see you there!