Tonight: A "Dirty 30"

at Googie's Lounge

Ludlow & Stanton, NYC

8:30 PM / FREE

Ya know, when some people say things, they don't really mean them. Like when some men say, "I love you", they don't really mean it. Or when some women say, "Size doesn't matter", they really don't mean it. And when some people say a show is going to be "off the wall" or "crazy" or "dirty", what they mean is, it's totally PG-13, at worst. No swears, no nip, clean as a nursery rhyme.

But when I say my songs are dirty, I mean it. I mean dirty. Filthy! Songs about vaginas (oohh! the filthy holes that they are!), songs about penises, songs about body parts and body fluids, all the things that television hates presenting unless it's something a man wrote.

I've been writing folk songs for years because that's what I like to write and growing up in the hills of Maine is what inspired me -- and guess who hangs out in the hills of Maine? Folky people. They are also known as "hippies" etc. So, yes, I listened to a lot of Joni Mitchell and Gordon Lightfoot and also, 2 Live Crew, so when you put those things together, whadda ya got? Ya got Dirty Folk Rock. I really love writing dirty ditties, it is fun, freeing, ridiculous and has taken me around the world. Do you know I totally could have had sex with a lot of salacious famous people if I weren't such a nice girl? I really should have, because they probably would tell people that we did anyway. But ANYWAY --

I will be performing a classic set of dirty ditties tonight at 8:30 at Googie's Lounge, which is above the Living Room on Ludlow Street, right next door to Piano's and just two doors down from the corner of Ludlow and Stanton Street. The show is free, and it's a cute space. I only play my dirty folk ditties now and then now, because it makes me sad to play them, because there is too much history and *lack of wealth* surrounding them. I think I should have moved to London for a year, and maybe I still will. Have you ever seen their TV shows? They're hilarious. I sang "My Pu$$y Is Magic" on a pilot for Channel 4 in London. It was one of the best feelings I've ever had.

But I didn't move to London, I stayed at America, and now I'm playing tonight at Googie's Lounge at 8:30.

I'm working on a new album, it's taken me a long time because it's supposed to be more main stream yet I am clinging to my "dirty folk rock" style for some childish reason. Perhaps it's because it's just fun to write songs about vaginas. Try it, I bet you'll like it. So now, I'm trying to find a way to marry the two genres of filth and family friendly -- main stream and songs about vaginas. It's not an easy task.

I just want so bad for my new song, "Tampons For Fingers" to play on MTV and I have fantasies of singing it at the VMAs and getting a Grammy for it. But the world is just not there yet, and especially not America. Gad demmet, why can't more people just love songs about vaginas?

Songwriter 4 Hire

Songwriter for hire. Lewd, lascivious, hilarious, knows what a "hot carl" is. All genres + projects considered. Email jess delfino at gmail dot com.

Simply put -- I write songs. I write dirty songs, clean songs, clean dirty songs, dirty clean songs. I write songs for kids, songs about kids, songs that disrespect kids. Songs that are so dirty your grand mother would love them if she was Betty White or hate them if she was Tammy Faye Baker.

I write songs about milfs, fupas, sausage fests and other urban dictionary vernacular. I can turn songs over fast. I use instruments such as guitar, ukulele, singing saw, auto harp and glockenspiel, as well as electronic elements. I record onto GarageBand using a very fancy Intel iMac with a Rode condenser mic and M-Audio recording interface. I have a sweet set up.

I can write songs for your commercial, songs for your movie, songs for your band, songs for your party, songs for your wedding, songs for your funeral, songs for your cup cake eating competition, songs for your perverted book release party, songs for your grand father's 90th birthday.

I can play songs live, solo, with a band or just give you a CD.

I will work with your budget.

Without being a big fat name dropper, I have written songs for famous people's movies and projects and sung my songs on TV and radio shows.

A blurry example of above mentioned nameless persons

I have been hired by large corporations to produce music based events and shows.

I have been flown around the world to perform in festivals and sold out events and was paid a lot of money to be there.

Now, doesn't this sound like fun?

For more information and samples, google me, or email me at jess delfino at gmail dot com.

And now for a little hurricane (dark) humor...

Why is everyone freaking out? It's just a series of aggressive wind gusts, right? So, what's the big deal then? Methinks the major concern is that no one really knows just what is going to happen. It's the same reason kids (and myself) fear the dark -- because any old monster could be lurking in there. Read on for a collection of things that could go wrong and worse case scenarios, in:

MURPHY'S LAW MEETS HURRICANE IRENE

1. A flying projectile comes smashing through the window at 80 MPH and pierces you to the wall like the way they do to vampires sometimes in scary movies.

Likeliness: Small

Danger level: High

Pain Level: Probably very high

Horrific-ness level: Horror-movie-iffic

Bright side: I can't even think of ONE.

2. The Hudson River or Gowanus Canal floods your house with shit, piss and sewer water, corporate toxins, poison, dead fish and old sneakers.

Likeliness: possible

Danger level: Low to medium (wading through dark water you can't see what's in could be bad)

Grossness factor: Off the charts

Bright side: That renters insurance you pay for every month seemingly for naught may actually come through for you, if you live through this.

3. Water tower tips over on your roof and fills your apartment with water, drowning you and your pets

Likeliness: Low, but just imagine how scary that'd be?

Danver level: Very dangerous

Pain level: I hear drowning is kind of nice

Horrific-ness level: I imagine it'd be one of the scariest things ever for a few minutes unless it catches you off guard or in your sleep, which would be the best case in this worst case scenario.

Bright side: No more bills.

4. Resources are low, so armed desperate people come to your house to take yours.

Likeliness: So friggin low, but who knows?

Danger level: Depends on the psychotic-ness / desperation level of those in question

Pain level: Depends on the weapon (blunt objects, ie axes would increase pain level)

Horrific-ness level: Straight out of a horror movie

Bright side: You can put those 5th grade karate lessons to use and see if they paid off

5. Stuck in your house for 4-5 days with no electricity, TV or ability to flush your toilet.

Likeliness: Most likely to happen of all these scenarios

Danger level: Safest of all scenarios

Pain level: Low

Grossness factor: Could be bad

Bright side: At least you could get started on writing that novel / movie script you've been meaning to begin for anywhere from 2.5-12 years now. Or you could have fun with candles like the guy above.

I know there are a lot of timid and imaginative people out there, please post your own horrific scenarios below that I didn't think of, thanks! And be safe out there in this scary old natural disaster filled world. Of course, even if you do your best and are as safe as you can possibly be, we're all still pretty much fucked.

SPOTTED: Dominic Strauss-Kahn?

on Broadway & Franklin Sts. NYC

AP Photo (above), my dinky iPhone pic (below)

It was a night just like any other Thursday night, in fact, it was tonight! I was riding my bike east from a ukulele lesson I'd just finished teaching on Franklin Street. I got to the corner of Franklin and Broadway and there was a guy all smiling as a group of college kids with fancy cameras snapped a zillion photos of him. He was with some woman and she looked pretty pleased, too. They tried to hail a cab and one would not stop.

I took a few pics with my trusty iPhone and uploaded one to Facebook, asking, "Who is this man?" It looked like Dominic Strauss-Kahn, but would DSK, the man whose charges were dropped for purportedly sexually assaulting a maid at a hotel, be touting about town in an ugly black tee shirt with no security? A friend commented that it was, "Dominique Strauss-Kahn and Anne Sinclair, if I'm not very much mistaken."

It just seemed too unlikely to me that the would be president of France would have no security at all. Plus, I've lived in NYC for ten years and I almost never see famous people, because I can never identify them. Madonna could slap my left buttock and I probably wouldn't even recognize her.

So then, if not he, who, huh? And if it wasn't DSK, he's got a serious case of dopple ganger-ene.

But even more importantly, are the photos I took worth anything?!?!? (I have more, in addition to plenty of college loans I'd really like to pay off.)

UPDATE: I sent my photos to TMZ and they are considering purchasing them - if I sell the photos to TMZ, I will give 1/2 the money to an NYC Rape Crisis center. If anyone has any suggestions, please email them to me at jess delfino at yahoo dot com.

I Felt The Earth Move Under My Feet

Actually, I didn't feel a thing. I felt the indian food cart man take $5 from me as I ordered lunch. I guess being on the ground made it so I didn't experience what was the 2nd earthquake I am aware of happening in on or around my person. The first was in LA. I thought a big truck drove by.

My neighbors and other people I didn't know were beginning to congregate all over the streets, looking up and down and off into space, going "whaaa?" and "huh?" and every fourth person or so was muttering, "earthquake or something" to whoever would listen.

Back in my office, my degree had fallen off the wall (it always did make a better paperweight / floor decoration than a degree anyway) and my 5th grade picture that I always look at instead of a "hang in there!" cat poster (it makes me feel inspired to see the 5th grade me up there with hope in my eyes, expecting to be rewarded, satisfied and impressed by the college grad me) was tilted to the side, making my smile straight for once.

My cat seemed freakishly calm, lying on her back with her belly exposed for petting purposes. I wish she'd told me with her psychic cat earthquake sensing powers that something was about to go down, but instead she was doing other cat things, like stretching and blinking theatrically dramatically slowly like a cat imitating a cat.

When things like this happen, I think about buying a house in the trees somewhere where concrete and mortar will be less likely to rain down on me in the event of calamity. But who made up the rules anyway of what is likely to happen or not? I'm the type of person who would move to the woods to get crushed by a falling tree or find myself one day bitten to death by an angry squirrel. My life is comically deranged. God or the angels or the spirits who control shit are definitely mocking me.

If they weren't, I'd be rich by now.

BIG HUGE AUDITION TOMORROW

For those of you wondering what I've been up to since I last wrote an award winning light themed poem or had a mermaid party on a boat, well, I've been busy, and let's just leave it at that - ok, fine, I'll tell you!

I wrote a new song, I've been doing shows around town and now -- drum roll please -- I've got a big huge audition coming up tomorrow for a major network television pilot.

Now, typically, I'd project a warm bright "I can do this" image out there while doing a whole bunch of self doubting on the inside, but I read this great list of "lady audition suggestions" by J. C. Wellingsworth, who was a celebrated women's acting coach from the 1890s, so I'm feeling pretty confident.

Not much is known about Lady Wellingsworth, as she passed away at the ripe old age of 20, due to the common cold.

Lady Wellingsworth in her prime

I'm going to share some of my favorite of her tips with you.

1. Always be sure to practice your remember-ables in the dark of nigh or basement, or whilst confined to the attic during the devil's days (menses) to keep from attracting the menfolk's whippings, delivered by salted switches or strips of leather.

2. Gargle slippery elm before delivering one's lines, and don't forget to spit the water back into a vessel to save for drinking or bathing with later.

3. Never do actings when the moon is full, as it may make our lord curse you with freckled hen fever or rheumatoid back-ne.

4. Don't forget to line a performing stomache with the actor's traditional preparatorial meal:

-- 2 jiggers hand-churned bathtub whiskey

-- a quarter chicken, hastily feathered, cooked in boiled ham butter

-- hot cross buns aplenty, smothered with yam jam and nutmeg jelly

-- smashed cinnamon-ed apples (to invite the spirit of actors passed to give you strength)

-- whole holed potatoes (for plebeians, this is so one might insert said fingers into holes to wear potatoes as gloves for convenient eating purposes)

x 2

A daily meal of above said indulgences will create the "lady actor's posterior" which hence one's dress might fall daintily across the buttocks creating a "back buttocks table" of sorts.

5. Have fun, and don't forget to "get purple measles!"

Ed. note -- Thanks, Mme. Wellingsworth, may you rest in peace.

I LOST THE LIGHT

My cat jumped up and knocked over my fluorescent mercury filled light the other day, breaking both my lamp and my lightbulb, spilling mercury all over my house.

After sweeping it up and probably getting mercury poisoning, I looked on Craigslist for a lamp -- that is where I find everything I need in life -- (if you don't know, I found my fiance there) -- and I found this listing offering a free original Tiffany lamp if you wrote a good poem. So I wrote this poem:

Ode To Light

by Jessica Delfino

"Light!" They say, He said out loud

"Let there be light!" He yelled out proud

And just like that, the lights turned on

And mountains came, and dusk, and dawn

And animals and bridges, too

And octopi and 2 Live Crew

And Amish people, turtles, rain

Australia, France, Chicago, Spain!

But light was somewhat primitive

Not yet a gift that we could give

At weddings or online for free

That would not come til, later, see

When Mister Edison came round

And others with a dream abound

Like Tesla and Sir Newton, too,

Ben Franklin, that whole thinking crew

They knew that sun light would not do

And fire was quite risky, too

There must, must be a better way

To light the night up like the day

They went to work and fought and learned

And countless hours of daylight burned

And finally they let there be light

Inside, outside, even at night

And now we have light everywhere,

We leave lights on without a care

My dad would yell, and say, "Woah, hey!

Don't leave the lights on, dammit! K?"

Oh, how it's changed so through the years

Been utilized, encouraged cheers

Enlightened homes, killed germs, quenched fears,

Lit up the stage for Britney Spears

Now I'll cease to pontificate

Yet, know, though switch flicks I create

Each time I smile at the sunrise

The beauty falls not on blind eyes

However, I was disappointed to receive this in reply:

Congratulations on being the runner up in our light poetry competition!
http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/zip/2538952073.html
If you would like to pick up your consolation prize of a stained glass light bulb, please get in touch as soon as the rain lets up.
xoLisa

p.s. Your poem was fantastic but my alter ego [XXXXXXXX] felt she needed to disqualify you because she knows you in real life. What are the odds?

---------

I could go on about how irritated that a person I don't know knows me and therefore disqualified me from winning a really gorgeous free light, but then, I guess you win some free Craigslist lights and you lose some free Craigslist lights.

HOW TO HAVE AN AWESOME CITY YARD SALE

(even if you have no yard)

***5 USEFUL TIPS***

Living in NYC, the term "yard sale" is thrown around somewhat loosely, as rarely anyone actually has a real yard, unless you count a square of grass with a sad little tree in it, covered in dog whiz and crumpled Poland Spring containers, just barely managing to cling to life in front of your building.

But we city people still hoard and collect too much stuff, too, even in a typical 300-500 square foot city living space, and we also want to get rid of it and make a few bucks on a lazy afternoon. So what are we to do? Well, since I've got a little pro experience with the YS, as regular yard sales have helped to subsidize every creative project I've ever indulged in, here are my tips on how to make your "yard" sale rock 'n friggin roll.

#1. Figure out the deal with the po-po. In my lower Manhattan neighborhood, it is illegal to have a yard sale. We are required to get a permit, lest we may bring in a cool tax free $50 smackers, and the gov can't have us doing those kinds of shenanigans! Since permits run from $30-$200 depending on the situation and may take up to 6 weeks to secure, just try calling the police station, ask for the permit department and try to work out a situation with the police for a one time approval to have a stinkin' yard sale. They will probably say, "No biggie" and ignore you for the day. If you don't call them first and try to just go for it, you run the risk of them showing up and ruining the party, which, in case you're not sure, is always what happens when the cops show up to the party. It's happened to me more than once and the police don't have much of a sense of humor about it. They can give you a $150 ticket or arrest you, neither of which are how anyone wants their crummy little stoop sale to turn out. So do yourself a favor and make it legit.

#2. I'm not kidding - Figure out the deal with the po-po. Tip #2 is also about the police, because you have to make sure this end is covered or else your end will be covered by some fella named Bubba in the big house. OK so maybe I'm over-exaggerating for fun and yuks. What, you don't think jail rape is funny? Fine, sorry, I'll just get to the tip. If you can't get the permit situation worked out, get a PBA card. A PBA card is a card you get from a friend who is a police officer. They will give you the card, and then if other police officers give you a hard time, you can whip it out like the "buy yourself freedom" credit card that it can be and potentially keep your lily white laurels on the mean streets and out of the cool cellars of jail town.

Disclaimer: PBA cards will not get you out of public crack smoking or that illegal bootlegging ring you're running every Wednesday and Sunday. It's really only for the little stuff, and then there's not a 100% chance it will work, so, really, the best tip of all is, just get a job and don't do a yard sale in NYC at all.

#3. Advertise. It's really simple, still, people don't really do it. Make flyers. Make posters. Hang them up in your neighborhood a few days before hand. Post the info on your blog and your FB page. Hang flyers in the coffee shop and the laundry room in your building. Put a posting on Craigslist. Tell your friends via email a few days before hand. People will come and they will give you money. Isn't that awesome? Another good trick is to put signs up near a local flea market, getting the bargain hunters who are done there and want to find a little more sweet yard sale action.

#4. Have Good Stuff To Sell. From doing yard sales for years, I know what sells. Clothing that is vintage, interesting or in good condition sells, electronics sell, sometimes vintage glassware sells but not so much. Jewelry that isn't crusty and gross sells. Books don't really sell unless they are classics or coffee table books. Your old make up and lotions and half used bottles of shampoo will not sell. Throw them away, they are garbage. Your shitty paper backs of crappy proportions will not sell. It's important to know the difference between stuff you should toss and valuables. The old saying "One man's trash is another man's treasure" is just not true. Everyone knows what trash is. It's stuff that no one will buy. Be willing to negotiate. You're not going to get a lot of money for stuff at a yard sale. Be willing to part with things for a few dollars and be willing to negotiate within reason. Obviously, don't throw away stuff that doesn't sell. Upload photos to your Ebay page instead, and charge twice as much for it.

This vintage Anna Sui dress sold today for $4 to the

lucky lady who happened to catch me in a good mood.

Though these skis are worth at least $75, I wouldn't

ask for more than $20 for them at a yard sale, and I

wouldn't put them out in a summer yard sale unless I

felt like carrying a pair of skis outside and then back inside again later.

These gorgeous vintage Italian size 8 pumps were for sale

at my yard sale for $8 today. A nice lady tried to get them

off me for $3 but I wasn't having it. So now I will upload them

to my Etsy page and I will sell them for $25 to another even nicer lady.

#5. Set Up Chairs And Bring A Guitar Outside. People are drawn to a crowd. If a few people start to gather around, others will gather, too. If you set up a few folding chairs and invite a few friends to come and drink some lemonade, pass a guitar around and enjoy the day, before you know it, the day will be over and you'll have a few hundies in your pocket.

BONUS: You are allowed to have yard sales on private property. This includes the foyer of your building, the back yard of your building, your own apartment and the side walk in front of your building as long as you are not blocking pedestrian traffic.

Happy yard saling!

Got any great yard sale tips of your own? Got a yard sale coming up in NYC? Paste your tips and info below.

Wanna come to my yard sale? Venture to the intersection of Ludlow Street and Canal Street and look around for a rack of awesome clothes and a happy lady wearing pink and playing a ukulele. I will be there for every Sunday in August if it is sunny.