PAINTED PUSSY

Do you like porn? If so, I don't think you'll like this link. But you'll think maybe it will be something you will like. Also, if you like crappy computer program art, you may enjoy this link. Thanks to my friend for sending it to me. I don't know if he wants to be linked to this link or not. Like when porn gets sent in anonymous envelopes to your home or work place. I think it is like that.

CLICK HERE FOR PORN!!!

JESSICA DELFINO IS "SORRY" TO DISTURB YOU...



Here is a short segment from last week's show. If you haven't seen my resident series show at Rififi yet, you still have TWO more chances:

TOMORROW, Tuesday, November 21st and
NEXT Tuesday, November 28th
10 PM (sharp-ish)
$5
Rififi / Cinema Classics
332 E. 11th St.

No two shows are the same! The show is called a "solo" show, but it is really no such thing. Many of my favorite comedy guests will also entertain you with surprise appearances in the show (different performers every week) playing characters through out the show. There are also short films, (including "My Pussy Is Magic" which was recently KICKED OFF THE INTERNET for being too awesome), jokes and songs; some classics and some from the never before heard Jessica Delfino vaults.

Come and join in the obscenity before obscenity is outlawed!

FUN TIME WITH PHOTOS

Delfino plays a fortune-telling airport...Can anyone say "typecast" ???

I know, I know...you are dying to see some photos from the first "Little Building" showing in Brooklyn last Friday. Well, I have magical powers, if you don't know. So, click on the link below to have your wishes answered. There are only two shows left! It's a pretty great play, even if I do say so myself, and I am in it. If you've ever seen Jollyship The Whiz-Bang and loved what they do, you may also dig this shizzy. If you've never seen them, what the hell are you doing with your life? And also, this play is kid friendly, so bring the rug rats. Last week, the show got a Voice Choice in the Village Voice and was pretty full, so advance tickets are recommended.

Friday Nov. 17th and Friday Nov. 24th
8 PM
Tickets are $12 or $10 if you get them at www.smarttix.com
Galapagos Art Space
70 N. 6th St. Williamsburg
www.galapagosartspace.com


See More Photos Here

CHUCK NORRIS JOKES

I probably shouldn't even be printing this...Chuck Norris might round house kick me in the face if he ever found out. Who wrote these jokes? And why? Also, don't forget to come to see my show tonight at Rififi at 10 PM, (332 E. 11 St.). It's different than it was last week. $5 for all that fun. And now on to the Chuck Norris jokes, sent to me by my friend Becky. There are a lot of them. I hope you have a pillow and some aspercreme.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he
gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never
cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not
because he is gay, but because he has run out of
women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper
clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard
that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in
time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying
over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down
until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always
says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds
to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck
Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck
Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his
mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video
game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every
button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked
bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no
glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse
kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck
roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't
stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck
Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by
giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the
farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal,
breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that
Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood
a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five
months later he realized the irony of this statement
and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,
Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting
them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are
hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth
Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard".
Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism,
used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted
from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer.
Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for
2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only
to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to
people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is
only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field
goal of a high school football game. When the football
went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick
the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the
uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the
stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was
actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck
Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single
show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and
Order are trademarked names for his left and right
legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does
not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather
roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before
you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a
fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck
Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates
never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine
as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red
Bull.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all
shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he
replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and
roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors
beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time?
Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away
from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.


When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a
situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead
doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are
actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the
dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the
world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck
Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so
hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the
scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he
swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse
ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at
McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked
the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely
responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he
will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a
game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by
roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can
be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just
check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life.
Never.

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one
thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it
honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his
finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.


If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of
space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is
invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and
poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time.
It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker
despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of
spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly
'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates
karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris
is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may
be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find
one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure
enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a
bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and
then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris
yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave
things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris
accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be
familiar with it to this very day by its technical
term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box
jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous
creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a
human being experiences the following symptoms: fever,
blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans,
and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a
car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens
to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the
actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that
autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation,
Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise
warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

THE PERFECT COMEDY FACE?

This is one of the weirdest reports I've ever seen. Supposedly, scientists have invented "the perfect comedy face" (?) for some reason. I barely even know what that is supposed to mean. Um...aren't scientists supposed to be curing cancer?

According to this article, "the perfect comedy face" is full of soft, feminine features. Such as this gal's:


Kristen Schaal


The article then goes on to explain that is what makes Ricky Gervais so damn funny.

Perhaps this is why Reggie Watts won the Andy Kaufman Award ($5000!) last night...



*************************************


Delfino, pictured, with her face full of soft, feminine, hilarious features, can be seen tonight at Galapagos at 8 PM in "Jolly-Ship The Whiz-Bang's new play, "Little Building".

Look at my pretty mommy...



This was back before she had any cellulite. Not that she has any now. She has the body of a jogger. And she doesn't even jog. It's amazing. It's like she's trying to show me up with her fine physique. I get it, Mom. You're hot.

In this photo, she was 18. The year was 1976. She looks a little like Janet Jackson. Steely Dan had just written the hit, "FM" for the film, "FM". Remember FM - the concept? How many of you still listen to the radio? I listen to the radio. I listen to it in the shower. I listen as I wash, and then sometimes I dance.

Jessica Delfino Is Sorry To Disturb You

My November series begins tomorrow,
TUESDAY night at 10 PM at
RIFIFI / Cinema Classics
$5

Every Tuesday in November, 10 PM
$5

Featuring special appearances by: Mike Dobbins, Ben Lerman, Geoff Haggerty of Elephant Larry, Margaret Champaigne, Michael I, Mike Amato, Daniel Michael and others.

You will see old stuff, new stuff, borrowed stuff and blue stuff. That's my promise to you. A variety of stuff. A new show every week!

WHAT TO DO FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 3rd

Hey everyone. Remember when you used to make mixed tapes? I don't remember, either. However, there is a show this Friday, November 3rd that remembers. How 'bout you swing by and simultaneously get your comedy and rock on?



ARS NOVA
511 W. 54TH (10TH/11TH)
$12
8 PM
www.arsnovanyc.com

If you are a budget minded soul, you'll appreciate this code which brings the price down from 12$ to 8$ on smarttix.com. The code is SHOCK

Click here to get your discount tickets

Tons of superb acts join together to make merry music! If from what I gather has been correctly gathered, you will hear Soce The Elemental Wizard wiz it up. (He's white and he raps! Funny!) You will see Cock Lorge unleash a monster on your ass! You will watch as Erin and her Cello go "ba domb domb domb domb don don don doop da doop doop" and shit. You will witness a Rob and a Mark! A Zero Boy! An Eliza Skinner! And the beat goes on and on and on...you're gonna shit yourself. That's a promise.

5 Reasons You Should Take Me On Tour With You

1. I have friends in every major city
2. I'm not too good to carry gear
3. I can drive a stick, have valid license
4. I only bring two bags - one guitar, and one small suitcase
5. I give superb road head

Come see what you'd be getting yourself into - TONIGHT

8 PM - Bowery Poetry Club
I'll be singing jail themed songs I wrote on Christopher X. Brodeur's "Songs From Prison" show. (The concept of the show is, songs he wrote in prison on the taxpayer's dime, plus special guests, such as Ambrose Martos, myself and others.
$5

10 PM - Bowery Poetry Club
I'll be leading the spooky ghost-rock band, Haunted Pussy at 10 PM on
the lovely O'Debra Twins' "Show N Tell" show.
$3

THE KIDS ARE JUST SO CREATIVE THESE DAYS!

An adorable teenager from Massachusetts sent a letter to me, featuring this beautiful hand-decorated envelope. If I had my way, every piece of mail would look like this. Imagine if your phone bills looked like this? It would be a delight to open them!



The medium appears to be black, blue and red "pen", one of my preferred mediums, as well. Hopefully she drew this in class. Note the bleeding person has only one boot. What happened to the other boot? Perhaps it fell off as she ran to the ladies room. Perhaps it got covered in her oozing womanliness and she threw it in the trash en route. Perhaps it got stolen.

The words on the envelope are from a song I wrote called, "Sudden Change", which you can hear by clicking on the "SONGS" link above.

Polina, this envelope is so beautiful and I was so happy to receive it, I almost forgot that my broken life is unrepairable!

So thanks for that, and keep 'em coming.

FLAVORPILL KNOWS WHAT'S UP!

I've always thought Flavorpill had the best listings, and now those thoughts have been confirmed 100% as they listed the show I'm in tonight, Wednesday Oct. 25th. Little do they know, I'm the exact opposite of "oversexed" (which is, perhaps, why so many of my songs are about that very thing...)

Thanks for the plug, LT. Way to watch out for a gal, Misha V.

SEE THE FLAVORPILL LISTING (AND MORE FLAVORPILL) HERE

And here:

MC² presents Nucleogenesis feat. Jessica Delfino

when: Wed 10.25 (8pm)
where: Jimmy's No. 43 (43 E 7th St, 212.982.3006) map
price: $7
links: Event Info

Much to YouTube/Google's dismay and online audiences' delight, comic/musician/
wingnut Jessica Delfino one-ups Sarah Silverman's titular Jesus with "My Pussy Is Magic." Tonight the hilarious, oversexed, dirty-folk songstress is joined by standup gal Julie Perkins, and a special "spooky" sketch act from Stacy and Friends, who tackle New York's craziest characters with suggestions from the peanut gallery. Video mavericks/sketch duo the New Normal also perform, sharing lessons on wedgie-picking etiquette and other high-concept art. (LT)

Note: Manhattan Comedy Collective presents Nucleogenesis (with varying performers) every Wed (8pm) through 11.29.

TAMPON CRAFTS!!??

All I can say is "Wow" (no period - I'm stuck in eternal awe)



Click here to see the awesome for yourself.

YOUBOOB - good one!

The Villager had this to say about the Magical Pussy fiasco of 2006:



(You can click on it to make it bigger but it still looks like shit)

Here's the article online: VILLAGER'S OPINION on the MAGIC PUSSY FIASCO

See the Magical Pussy video HERE(it is now called, "Jessica Delfino Is Magic" to trick the porn bots. NOTE: not even slightly pornographic. NOTE: Do not watch this at work unless you work somewhere really laid back, like a dot com run by pot head art lovers or a phone sex shack.)

Visit The Villager, the Lower East Side's premier community newspaper:

www.thevillager.com

Read more about The Magical Pussy fiasco HERE

Everywhere you look around my NYC sized apartment, there are things

Things like a black book shelf (real wood, not that reinforced cardboard Ikea crap wood), stuffed with notebooks (full of hilarity) and papers (everything from CD inserts to clippings of shows I must go see!), CD cases and sleeves (for, you know), containers of various colored glitters (for when I perform, "My Pussy Is Magic" live), glue sticks, VHS tapes & DVDs (of documented Delfino sets!), colored pencils (fancy ones), ink replacement cartridges (it's like I live at a Staples), paper clips (see?), business cards (mine and other people's), rolls of tape and twine, spools of CDs (blank and not so blank), a softball glove, a stapler, a bunch of batteries (some are dead, but I somehow can't bring myself to throw out the dead ones, so now they're all mixed together, ready to wreak havoc on the next electronic thing I have that needs to work right), a hole puncher, a check book (the one thing that proves I'm almost like an adult), a box of slippery elm (maybe two things that prove I'm an adult) - (the pros use it), nail clippers (you need to manage your fingernails in order to play the guitar right), a small clip on fan (to keep me cool while I'm writing the hits), a huge stack of envelopes of all sizes (mostly for fan mail - sending it out, I mean, you know, to all the people I adore, Jessica Simpson, Randy Rhodes, etc.), and if I turn around and look at the cork board, well, that's a blog entry for another time.


My room on a good day (Oooh, too soon?)

photo by Gerry Visco

I Have My Own Line Of Maxi Pads

That's right, you read correctly. I have my own line of maxi pads. One of the times I was on tour with The Trachtenburgs, Tina suggested that I sell more "vagina" related merchandise, such as home-made maxi pads. I was tickled by the suggestion, but said, "Who'd wear a home-made maxi pad?" Tina said, "I wear them. I've been making my own for years." A few months later, Tina and I began our own little sweat-shop in her apartment. We'd crank up the Zeppelin or the ELO or the Cheap Trick (or the Nellie McKay or the Touching You) and set to work cutting out patters, sewing and chatting, while Rachel Trachtenburg scooped us bowls of ice cream, crocheted and made her dolls their own line of clothing.

Tina used vintage fabrics and bright florals, and I opted for soft and strange materials, such as velvets and shimmery sateens. We used towels as filler.

I suggested to Tina that we join together to come up with a good name for our pads. I came up with, "Aunt Florence's Old-Time Home-Made Poonani Rags", but we thought that might not be "commercial" enough for when "Always" brand offers us a billion bucks to buy us out. So, then Tina came up with "Planetary Napkins", and the catch phrase, "recycle your cycle". Awesome!

And I was using the catch phrase, "Treat your vagina like a princess".

I recently taught a little semintar at The Swap-O-Rama-Rama about making your own maxi pads. It was lots of fun! I made and gave away over 50 maxi pads. Lots of people timidly approached my menstruation station, somewhat bewildered by the idea of making their own maxi pads, yet left delighted, new home-made pad in hand and new attitude in head.

photo by Gerry Visco

I've learned lots about alternative methods of taking care of business "down there" since I began. I found out about "Glad Rags", a more elaborate, west-coast version of the mass-produced home-made maxi pad which pre-dates our Planetary Napkins. There is also "the keeper", which is like some kind of crotch cup that collects the blood. Then you dump it out. If you're super hard-core, you pour it into your plants.

If you have to have a crotch, which I do, at least I can put pretty things underneath it. And so can you!



Email me if you want to buy a custom, home-made maxi-pad. I can make them out of my pretty fabrics or out of yours. I sell them for $5 each...

FREEDOM ROCKS!

My Pussy Is Magic, Magic, Magic, Magical...!

Seen on Mikedaisey.com:

Boing Boing: China unblocks Wikipedia, even though it won't censor:

China has unblocked Wikipedia. Wikipedia refused to censor itself to appease totalitarian Beijing, but China unblocked it anyway. China needs Wikipedia and Chinese net-users would access it using circumvention tools -- the block on Wikipedia made Chinese Wikipedia users into automatic dissidents.

If only Google, Microsoft and Yahoo had the same courage as Wikipedia, the same confidence that their search-engines were valuable enough to be indispensible.

AND...

My video has been removed once more.

ha HA!

Damn the man!

My Pussy IS Magic. CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO

I wonder how long it will be before this one gets the ax? Interesting, I can google things much worse than magical pussies. Now that google owns youtube, prepare for youtube to start dumping all things funny and fun (relating to vaginas).

I'm going to be showing "My Pussy Is Magic" tonight at UCB on "The Rejection Show" at 8 PM. Come get me, youtube!

"MY PUSSY IS MAGIC" BANNED BY YOUTUBE!!!

This morning, "My Pussy Is Magic", the new dance hit video by me, Jessica Delfino, was removed from Youtube.com for being considered "inappropriate"! Inappropriate my ass! If anyone saw the video, they saw lots of vaginas. Since when are vaginas inappropriate? I came out of a vagina, and so did the makers of Youtube.

The video had reached 20,000 views, and then was removed this morning.

Youtube was bought by Google, and now my poor, rising video was crushed. Does Google censor art!? Write to them and ask!

I will find a place for "My Pussy Is Magic" to live - a place where facists can't touch it! Stay tuned.

And if I can't find a place for it, come and see it live in my show, "Jessica Delfino is Sorry To Disturb You" at Rififi / Cinema Classics, 332 E. 11th St. at 10 PM, every Tuesday in November. ($5)

Have you ever been to Williamsburg?

Well, I have. I ride my bike there over the Williamsburg Bridge, a bridge that leads directly into Williamsburg - a long, dangerous ride where someone could hold me up on my bike and be like, "Gimme your shit, bitch!" And I have no shit to give. So, then, maybe that special someone would take my tits. And I need those.

Every so often a kid rides up along side me on my bike and yells, "Yo! That's my bike!" But you know what? It's not his bike. I know it's not his bike. Because my dad stole it from a train station in Connecticut (the land where rich people don't lock their bikes) and gave it to me for my birthday.

Tonight, I brave that bridge again and ride like the wind to Williamsburg to perform in a show at 9 PM, which Ilana Manaster is putting together at a little spot called, "ROSE". "ROSE" is at 195 Grand St. near Havemeyer.



I must look a sight(!) or a fright(!) riding my bike across the bridge with a guitar strapped to my back. I probably look like a hump back who plays the guitar.

But I can joke like that, because I think that back humps are funny.