Don't forget...

THIS WEDNESDAY 12/8:

artwork by MollyButterfoss.com. Thanks Molly!

I don't mean to brag but...

Pee Wee Herman and David Cross in the same weekend. No, not a threesome, a weekend full of visual delight. (I just watched.) I even ran into Craig Baldo at Pee Wee's show, which as far as I'm concerned was *almost* as good as seeing Pee Wee himself. Pee Wee, I cancelled a show to hang with you! Thank you Lauren Oppelt, you're the greatest dresser EVER.

At the end of Pee Wee's show, he tossed his ring DIRECTLY to ME. It went INTO my hand and then bounced delicately out and onto the floor, where an elderly silver fox lady picked it up like it'd landed there for her. It was MINE salt n' pepa! MINE! She refused to make eye contact as she slid it onto her aging finger. FUCK ME. I watched her walk away all self-satisfied. Part of me wanted to say, "Excuse me -- do the right thing woman and GIVE THAT RING BACK!" But instead I let her walk away with it. Later, my friend gave me one of Pee Wee's rings, but it was not the ring I caught that was later lifted. It wasn't the one, son.

And then tonight (Sunday) Bowery Poetry Club hosted David Cross, Fred Armisen, Kristen Schaal, Amber Tamblyn, Sarah Vowell and others for Bowery does Poetry does Comedy. It was a great time and the cheese was extra stinky. For anyone who's eagerly prepared to dis BPC, stick it in your pipe, you schmoe. Bowery is an awesome venue and I'm so glad to be a part of it. It's one of the few venues who eagerly lets me sing songs about vaginas and anything else I want to eagerly sing about.

Well, tomorrow is Monday, you know what that means - back to the grind. See you all there.

PS - Listen - if you are David Sonenberg, CALL ME. We have to TALK.

Don't Be A Christmas Idiot This Year

As is tradition, many people put up Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving, and as is per tradition, this is generally when houses, or in this case and also this case, mobile homes start catching on fire. Don't do that! Don't light your house on fire this Christmas. If for some reason, your loved one accidentally burns the house down this year, the song below is for you.

As much as anyone who loses their home this way during the holidays must be glad to be alive and safe, part of them must want to just look at the person responsible and yell, "You ass-tard, all of our possessions are gone!" And that is why I wrote this song.

You can find this jam on PERFECT HOLIDAYS is out now - you can order your copy by emailing $10 (shipped in the US, $15 shipped anywhere else) to me at jess delfino at yahoo dot com, through paypal.com.

NICE JESSICA, meet NAUGHTY JESSICA

This is the artwork on the CD donated by a terrific photographer who wishes to remain nameless because he is working in America W.O.P. and is being hunted by the CIA, the KGB and his parents. JK JK lol lol

Enjoy! And don't forget to get your signed, numbered copy (only 100 made and over half are gone) of Perfect Holidays by sending $10 to jessdelfino at yahoo dot com HERE. ($15 shipped anywhere outside of the USA) And if you're itchin for some JD tonight, Thursday Dec. 2 (that's me), stop by Upright Citizen's Brigade around 6:30 PM and for $5, catch me (and a bunch of other fun people) singing all ethnically in Jena Friedman's "Refugee Girls".

"I'm Italian" LIVE

at In The Flesh, NYC

This little ethnic gem will be sure to give you gas. In this song, I talk about the importance of respecting my Italian culture and incorporating it into my act, via instruction from my manager. (filmed at Rachel Kramer Bussel's fabulous In The Flesh show) Check it out:

ALSO! My holiday CD, "PERFECT HOLIDAY" is out NOW. You can order it digitally or hard copy, through me. There are only 100 copies in all of existence, and many have been pre-ordered but I still have a few left, so get yours now! The orders go out this week and will be to you before Christmas. Each copy is signed, numbered and has all the lyrics and original artwork drawn by me. Also -- sexy santa alert -- HOT HOLIDAY photos of ME. Can anyone say Christmas cleavage?

Sorry shoppers, the only way to order is via PAYPAL, so send your $10 in, which includes shipping ($15 UK + anywhere else) to jessdelfino@yahoo.com before Rudolph takes a holiday dump on your dreams.

Shipping Options

shipped to US $10.00 shipped to UK $15.00 shipped anywhere else $15.00

ECNY TIME

If you like my musical comedy stylings, please be sure to go onto the Emerging Comedians Awards nomination form and nominate me for BEST MUSICAL COMEDIAN. This is going to be a tough one, as there are lots of great musical peeps out there. You can also nominate SKITS'N'TITS for BEST VARIETY SHOW!

Thanks buddies!

Wanna hear a track from my new holiday EP,

"Perfect Holidays?"

OK...I can never say no to you. Click RIGHT HERE and be transported to a place where the holidays are always perfect (well, my Reverb Nation page, but whatever). And if you like that shit, don't forget to BUY it (instructions on how to purchase below). Make a Merry Christmas for me! I only made 100 of these CDs. There are still some left -- when there are no more left I will let the world know, BELIEVE me.

In the meantime, please enjoy, "You Really Fu(%#d Up This Time".

JD holiday CD "PERFECT HOLIDAYS" is done!

+ ORDER INSTRUCTIONS

Are you dreaming of the dreams set into your head by corporate sugarplum fairies, promising you the bestest holiday ever? With piles of gifts and toys, terrific people who are kind and loving, on a day where the spiced egg nog flows like wine, and the wine flows like wine, too, not because it needs to to keep you from losing your sanity, but because it is nice to relax with loved ones?

[record skipping sound] Well, get with the program, sister or Mister, holidays aren't like that and haven't been since Norman Rockwell's 1950s. This holiday, grasp Murphy's Law by the balls and twirl it around like a lasso, trying hard not to knock over the tree or peg granny in the torso. We are going to celebrate a series of PERFECT HOLIDAYS, even if we have to FORCE them to be that way.

PERFECT HOLIDAYS is Jessica Delfino's third produced CD. It is an EP with 5 songs and 10 tracks, in total. It's short and sweet, the way I hope all our holidays are. And the back cover is TO. DIE. FOR. Just like your sins.

INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO ORDER YOUR COPY OF PERFECT HOLIDAYS

1. There are only 100 copies of PERFECT HOLIDAYS in production and many of them were pre-ordered. However, relax! There are still some copies left. Each copy comes with artwork drawn by ME, signed and numbered. These CDs make a great gift for any bitter friends, dark humored relatives or Jessica Delfino fans. To order YOURS TODAY, go to www.paypal.com and LOG IN. If you don't have an account, create one. It's safe, fast, easy and free.

2. Click on SEND MONEY.

3. In the "SEND" box, type the email address: jess delfino at yahoo dot com (replacing at with @, and dot with an actual "dot" - ".") (Sorry if you feel overly instructed, these instructions are meant to be idiot proof.)

4. In the "AMOUNT" box, enter: $10 if you are in the USA. This includes shipping. Enter $15 if you are ANYWHERE ELSE. This includes shipping. You can put more than $10 or $15 if you are rich or generous.

5. This is a purchase of "GOODS" so mark it as that.

6. Click "CONTINUE"

7. Review your payment. Click "SEND MONEY"

8. Sit back and wait for your "PERFECT HOLIDAYS" CD to arrive at your door step, which will be by Dec. 1, 2010. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

I wish there were other ways to order the CD. Songs may be up on iTunes in a few, let's see what happens. Also, I may get a payment processing thingy through my website if PayPal freaks you out. But I've ordered hundreds of things through PayPal and nothing bad has ever happened. Also, I'm trust worthy and I don't have the means or brains to steal your credit card information, nor do I want your bad credit and debt.

Thanks so much for those of you who are encouraging me to be demented for a living! Damn, I have a fun life.

Doesn't Ebay know...

...that "hot" means stolen? I mean, come on -- what large corporation, mid-sized web outfit or small time hustler does not know this? Did this gear fall off a truck? Is that why it's so cheap this holiday, Ebay, or why shipping is free? I have a holiday prediction: somebody in marketing is either gettin' fired or gettin' a raise.

TONIGHT: IN THE FLESH sex comedy show

*with free cupcakes*

Comedy Sex Night November 18th at In The Flesh, tonight, all you sexy hump monsters! Info below, see yas there.

FB invite:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=114887405233431

Site listing:
http://inthefleshreadingseries.blogspot.com/2010/10/comedy-sex-night-november-18th-next-in.html

IN THE FLESH EROTIC READING SERIES
COMEDY SEX NIGHT
November 18, 2010, 8:00 pm - 10 pm
AT HAPPY ENDING LOUNGE, 302 BROOME STREET, NYC
(B/D to Grand, J/M/Z to Bowery, F to Delancey or F/V to 2nd Avenue, http://www.happyendinglounge.com)
Between Forsyth & Eldridge. Look for the hot pink awning that says "XIE HE Health Club."
Admission: Free
Happy Ending Lounge: 212-334-9676
http://www.inthefleshreadingseries.com

Our popular Comedy Sex Night returns! Featuring Marty Beckerman, Sara Benincasa, Kim Brittingham, Carolyn Castiglia, Jessica Delfino, Matt Koff, Sara Schaefer and Mandy Stadtmiller, Jacquetta Szathmari and Elon James White. Plus special guests! Hosted by Rachel Kramer Bussel (Fast Girls, Orgasmic, Passion). 5 copies of the book Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk and 1 copy of The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex will be given away. 100 free copies of Sexis Magazine will be distributed. Free Baked by Melissa cupcakes, candy and chips will be served. This is the countdown to the final In The Flesh December 16th so don't miss a very special night!

There'll be free cupcakes and chips and cookies and snacks. Arrive by 7:30 if you want a seat.

Hey all you a$$holes come and listen to us...

Keith and the Girl, episode 1294 with Tom McCaffrey and me-self up now, check it out, if you dare or care, or like to share. It is a really funny episode. I LOL'd through the whole thing. I hope I don't sound like a jackalous hyena, but I'm sure I do. I'll listen to it again later and judge myself so you don't have to.

JD ON TV once again

Yes, it's just a couple momentary flashes of me via my side face and / or bright electric blue pantaloons, yes, it's short and sweet, and yes, it's on cable television which I know many of you don't have or don't watch, even if you do have it. However, it's exciting to me, and it's for a cool fun new product which I actually WANT and therefore, did not feel as though I was selling my soul to the devil or sucking corporate you-know-what. Not to mention we really had a blast filming this commercial, because it was made with a buncha friends, including Carolyn Castiglia and other familiar faces of comedy. Directed / written by Bex Schwartz for VH1 / Microsoft / the video game Dance Central. Fun fact: We used to be in a band together a long time ago with Shauna Lane called, "Hot Little Pieces of Ass". Ah, the good old days.

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

GROSSMALERMAN

Here's the video from that shoot I did a few weeks ago with all those awesome people I told you about, Guy Richards Smit + crew. It was lots of fun and we have since also shot a 2nd episode. But here is the first one, up on FunnyOrDie.com, for you to peep your peepers upon:

GROSSMALERMAN! EPISODE 1 - watch more funny videos

And pre-order a Christmas CD! I have a dream that all 100 of these babies will sell. Let me have my Christmas miracle, will ya? You can pay via paypal.com ($10 shipped anywhere in the US, $15 shipped anywhere in the world) or you can write a check / money order. Email for more details - jessdelfino at yahoo dot com.

We are also looking into some digital distribution options, more details TBA.

Finally: This Thursday will be my last performance in NYC before I go on a 10 day hiatus and road trip, finishing my CD and doing a few shows out of town. Performances this week include:

Today, Tue: I'll be on www.katg.com podcast at 3ish PM.

Tmrw, Wed: I'll be on Alexis Guererros' Entertaining the Barback at Angels & Kings, 8 PM.

Thursday: I'll be at Rachel Kramer Bussel's In The Flesh at Happy Ending, 7 PM.

Then lots of fun stuff is coming up in December, including Skits'N'Tits 2 year anniversary show Dec. 8, Arlene's Grocery with Carla Rhodes Dec. 12, (and that will also be my official CD release party), and lots more crazy shit, so keep in touch and read the blog and my website for more info.

UPDATE on HOLIDAY LP

I'm feeling really excited about this new LP peeps. I have been working very hard on it and it sounds awesome. It's one of the first things I've done in awhile that I'm truly proud of. Remember, there are only 100 of these CDs being made and they are truly unique and special. The 5 songs on the CD are brand new never been heard funny songs about the holidays in my Jessica Delfino style - and get this - albeit demented, they are actually fun (read: clean enough) for the whole family! No shit. That means granny and the kids can hear them as well. They are selling like warm muffins so get yours before they're all gone. Pre order happening NOW o'clock.

These puppies will ship out the last week of November in time for the Jewish stuffs.

If you live in NYC, you are invited to the ordinary Christmas spectacular listening event. More info TBA.

Info below, reposted from my FB page:

Limited Release Jessica Delfino holiday CD with all new demented songs for your holiday party fun! Pre-Order today at paypal.com: jess delfino at yahoo dot com. $10 includes shipping anywhere in the USA. $15 for the UK / rest of the world. Will arrive first week of December (in time for Hanukkah)

Now taking pre-orders for

ALL NEW

limited edition Jessica Delfino HOLIDAY RELEASE CD!

$10 includes shipping anywhere in US

$15 includes shipping anywhere in UK / the world

This is the first new CD I've put out in over 2 years - since "I Wanna Be Famous". I'm into the holiday spirit this year and have been inspired to make this new CD with holiday themed, really demented songs. If you like what I do, you will love this CD. Each CD comes with Jessica Delfino original artwork, and is numbered and signed. There are only 100 of these CDs, so order yours today in time for Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, or some other fun holiday you celebrate instead of the ones that everyone else celebrates, Witchmas or what have you. Don't forget to include your name and address on your order, as well as any special instructions (extra licks to the envelope, etc).

CDs will be sent out first week of December so you will get them in time for Hanukkah.

Right now the only option for pre-orders is through Paypal, but that may change so keep checking back here and on the Jessica Delfino Facebook page for updates. Send $10 (US) or $15 (rest of the world) to: jess delfino at yahoo dot com using www.paypal.com.

Other Jessica Delfino style holiday fun includes the handmade ornaments I make out of tampy tampons. It may seem gross and weird, and it kind of is. But they're also pretty funny. I make little mini Christmas tress and little mini star of Davids. They are lovely and sick. $5 on my Ebay page: Den of Delfino. You can read more about my craft endeavors and craftivism on my craft group's blog, "Craftermath NYC".

COCKTOBER

Holy hair cut, the rest of this month is going to be an everlasting gobstopper with shows up the yin AND the yang. Saturday night at 10 PM at the nutty yet adorable Theater 80, (80 St. Marks, NYC) join me for Jena Friedman's Refugee Girls Revue if you haven't already seen it. It's a musical political satire with boys wearing skirts and us all singing our esophaguses out.

On Sunday, be one of us at the Halloween Freakfest at Tompkins "Scare" Park, 2 pm til dusk. Us chickens will be singing, dancing and necromancing on the stage and show provided and produced by Our Lady of Perpetual PMS. This free show features a bunch of solid freaks, 100% guaranteed or your money back, bitch.

After that, I'll be skyping on into the Galway Comedy Festival alongside Neil Hamburger and others. It's gonna be internationally, internetically awesome. I will be able to perform from the comfort of my own home. I LOVE THE INTERNET.

Finally, I'll close out my weekend with a set of some experimental brand spankzy new material at Three of Cups on RG Daniel's show, which if I'm not mistaken is at 8 in the pizza. That's what the kids say now instead of PM. They say, hey, wanna come over for dinner? My mom's cooking Hamburger Helper around 8 in the pizza. Because kids are stupid because their brains are still forming.

There's a lot of other stuff also going on the rest of this month, including the Rejection Show "Cease and Decist" next Wednesday, 9:30 at UCB with Jon Friedman, Jena Friedman (not related), myself and others and the actual real live Gong Show (part 2) on Halloween at BB King's in Times Square. The last show was out of control, like a train on PCP. It was one of the greatest shows I've ever seen.

I used to do crazy Halloween shows with my old band Haunted Pussy every Halloween. We don't do them any more, now that the band has broken up, but I left up the website so that you can see how I used to party back in the bad old days.

Keep in touch. Thank you much.

Peace! I mean, Two!

See anyone who looks familiar? I' m in this Italian Fiat commercial for two seconds, (but I think it's the French version of it) making a peace sign, or a number 2, which ever you prefer. I only wish I knew what the nice man was saying!

Ya wanna see more of that sweet, sweet lady? Come to Caroline's Comedy Club tomorrow (Wed) night around 7 PM and witness the magic at the Comedy Smack show, along with Tom Shillue, Jessie Cantrell and more!

Just sayin'...

I love Carolyn Castiglia for a lot of reasons. She's a sassy awesome funny mother, I mean of a child, and I guess I mean a sassy awesome funny mother %$cker, too.

She wrote this article about women in comedy and how they are eternally invisible and constantly ignored. You may be confused -- but I thought that women were doing alright these days? Well, maybe we're not all hanging out in the kitchen, barefoot and preggo while the menfolk are all off, busy earning all the bacon. But it is simply the truth that women in nearly every field still don't make as much money as men, which is messed up because many women are single mothers. The sexes are just not viewed as equal, even now, in comedy or elsewhere.

A misnomer: But aren't there more men in comedy than women?

The answer is no, but by the way the media covers comedy, you might think that...see Carolyn's story for more.

It's great to see so many women doing well in comedy. But the reason they are is because people like Carolyn and so many others before her had the fearlessness and continue to still tackle these issues now. And if we women want to continue to enjoy success and hope for bigger and better success in the future, we have to keep it up. So please pardon this interruption, you can go back to whatever you were doing now.

PS - I love this quote:

"There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women" -- Madeline Albright

In case you're not sure, that means if you're a woman in a position of power and you can help a gal pal out, do it. K? And if you're a dude, this post doesn't mean I hate you or anything. I loooove men. Too much, even, sometimes. A fella'll get a ho into trubs. That's why I have long term boyfriends all the time, just in case you were wondering.

Now go have a nice Friday night!

It's a bloated butt (or boat, depending on your preference)

of fun shows between the dates of NOW and Oct. 18

Tomorrow, WEDNESDAY OCT 13: SKITS'N'TITS

Then on SATURDAY Oct 16: REFUGEE GIRLS REVUE

And finally, NEXT MONDAY Oct. 18: SHOWGASM @ Ars Nova

Of course Skits'N'Tits is going to be awesome, and so you're definitely going to be there, and you go every month, so you already know that it's at 308 Bowery @ 10 PM, and stars Onion editor Joe Garden, Dizzy Swank and Divina Gran Sparkle, as well as other great peeps. But that doesn't mean you should miss Jena Friedman's Refugee Girls Revue this and every Saturday night in October at 10 PM, at Theater 80, (formerly the theater known as "The Pearl") at

80 St. Marks @ 1st Ave, or that you should poo poo the Showgasm variety show, which is always a blast and celebrates the ANT Festival at Ars Nova, next Monday, 10/18. More details for the gaz below.

SHOWGASM

With your special guest host, Lucas Kavner
Monday (10/18) Doors @ 7:30

FREE!

(And featuring a happy-half-hour with $2 beers from 7:30-8!)

Free to all, but reservations are a must and can be made here.

Help Ars Nova celebrate the start of ANT Fest

with drinks, friends and a great lineup of performers

who will keep things rowdy at everyone's favorite party/show.

Hosted by Ars favorite Lucas Kavner,

featured performers include:

VIDS

Lance and Ray

LpFunK

Jenn Harris

Soul Steps

Jess Delfino

The Berserker Residents

And your house band, Goodbye Picasso!

BEGINNER GUITAR LESSONS

at Education Alliance, starring me as your teacher!

Sign up now and learn guitar basics with me. Classes start in October. I've been teaching guitar and ukelele lessons through an agency for about a year now and am really enjoying it. Come learn how to write ribald and delightfully demented songs of your own!

Check out this article in the Grand Street News (featuring my photo) for more info...

And if you're thinking of buying a guitar, I suggest checking out www.musiciansfriend.com, which has free shipping, which I deem to be awesome.

Upcoming shows:

TONIGHT, Sat Oct. 9

REFUGEE GIRLS REVUE

10 PM

Theater 80,

80 St. Marks, $10

but tickets online

Monday Oct. 11

New Song Monday

@ NY Talent Show

308 Bowery

10:30 PM

watch live online

Wed Oct 13

Skits'N'Tits: Halloween Edition

308 Bowery

10 PM

with Joe Garden (editor, The Onion)

and many more awesome people doing

burlesque, comedy, and making awesome-ness

$8 at the door