Submitted writer's packet to SNL today...

...wish me luck!

* Shappy the host of Skits'N'Tits is moving to Philly :( His goodbye roast was last night, it was excellent. I'd like to give a special shout out to Diane O'Debra for knocking it out of the park. You can see her tonight at NYC Talent Show at Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery, where she will host the show with Victor Varnado. 10 pm, $3, it's a great show, and I will be singing a new song for the Song of the Month.

* If that's too late for you, fret not. Tonight at 8 PM, catch Monday Rendezvous at Bar on A, 11th St. and Ave A. Free show, great line up featuring Elna Baker, Andrea Rosen and more as our special guests, along side Myka Fox, Juliet Jeske and tonight, I am hosting. Hooray! Drink specials, A/C, cute boys, pretty girls, working toilets, a sexy, competent bartendress and so much more.

* Turns out my cat is afraid of construction workers on a scaffolding outside of my bedroom window. That makes 2 of us. She is hiding in the bathroom and refuses to come out. I am hiding behind my computer and am considering a trip to Container Store for dark, heavy curtains. Why wouldn't the building I live in tell me there would be paid gawkers outside my window?

* This is weird - someone emailed me this story, "10 Common Teenage Pranks Involving Houses" (which you must admit is slightly tantalizing) and suggested I post it to my blog. I think I've just come up with a new column called "Unpaid Advertisement of the Week" because I can't even call this a paid advertisement. Still, I'm kind of fascinated by the site and the article, my main question being, what the hell is this? Are they selling insurance? Is this a community service or friendly reminder? Decide for yourself.

* Black Laffs on Saturday was really fun. I have some video I will post soon. I will probably do it again in a few weeks or a month. I'll keep ya posted. See ya tonight?

2 Fun Events This Weekend

Sat 8/28 - Black Laffs, 8 pm

Sun 8/29 - Sister Street Fair, 12-4 pm

Over at this new joint around the corner from me, they have a smallish back room where all comedy seems to take place (back rooms, basements, etc). Slipper Room has also taken up residency there while under construction. White Slab Palace is a new, trendy and beautiful bar and restaurant run by the people who brought you the Lower East Side's Good World (RIP). That was my fave bar in the hood until it closed not so very long ago.

But whatevs! They have a new hang now and I love this place. It's - did I already say beautiful? Well, it is. On Sat, 28, we'll be taking over that back room to bring you BLACK LAFFS, a show full of dark sensical and nonsensical musings, sketches between acts and then after, I hear a DJ will be playing some jams. Enjoy the likes of Jena Friedman, Sara Schaefer, Shaina Feinberg, Ben Lerman, Mike Amato, Soce The Elemental Wizard, Daniel Michael and perhaps one or two more. But the show will not go long. Most of the boys are just in the short sketches.

Black Laffs

@ White Slab Palace

77 Delancey St. @ Allen St.

8 PM - 9:30 PM

$5

F, J, M, Z (or what's left of the JMZ) to Delancey,

B, D to Grand

NOTE: It says SW corner on the flyer, but it's the SE corner, that's south EAST, across from Starbucks. I can be directionally impaired sometimes. Can't we all?

******

And on Sunday, Aug 29, Sister Street Fair sets up shop on the closed off street area between Division and Canal. That is, myself and a few friends present our wares in a street sale format. Clothing, vintage and new, books, electronics, knick knacks and more, maybe even some home made snacks, yours to peruse and buy for next to nothing. That's right, one of "NYC's 50 Most Stylish New Yorkers" is cleaning out her closet with some great end of Summer, Fall and Winter finds for ya. With the way cool Hester Street Fair literally just around the corner, knock two out in one swoop. I usually have my guitar or uke out like a hippie and am playing on the street. We make a little scene. It's fun. Come take a peek see.

Sister Street Fair

Intersection of Canal & Delancey,

@ the end of Ludlow Street

12-4, maybe a little later

weather permitting

F to East Broadway, B,D to Grand.

Hope to see you there!

It's Rained For 4 Days In A Row

I've been counting.

Last night I did Sara Schaefer's show, "Get Off Your Knees" which was awesome and lots of fun, if you like it when great comedic minds make you laugh, you know, if that's your thing, or whatever. It just happens to be mine. I've never been to the Bell House before and I'm ashamed of myself to write that! But what a lovely venue, just a short hike away from the F train in a blooming semi-industrial-esque area of Park Slope. I really need to go to see more shows. I mean I live in NYC ferchrissakes. If I wanted to sit home and do nothing I could do that in Ohio and save thousands of dollars.

So if you have a really great show coming up, invite me to it and I'll come and bring a posse. Disclaimer: I want to see shows that are bizarre. The kinds of things you might see on a list like this. Things that make you scratch your head and create guttural sounds that are like laughter and awe combined. Shows that make me want to rush home and re-evaluate my life.

When I'm not writing songs and jokes, if that's what their real name is, I love starting new blogs. I'm obsessed. I have about 10 as of now, including a bike lover's blog, a blog about the Italian peoples, a blog with tips on being a better boyfriend, and a green living blog, in addition to this long time blog which you are reading and a few others that I regularly guest contribute to. None of these blogs are fully developed, but they are hobbies and works in progress. I'm about to add 2 new ones to the mix, which I'll unveil in a future blog entry. I should make a tee shirt that says "I Love To Blog" (for what?) and I really should be one of those people who makes a million dollars a year blogging, as if they really exist.

So if you come across any paid blog jobs, (even small salaries and stipends are considered) you know who to send them to. (Me. Jess Delfino at Yahoo dot com. So I have a Yahoo account still. Get over it. I have a Gmail account, too, I'm just not sharing it right now.)

Happy reading, happy blogging, happy Wednesday.

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100 Days of Oil Photos Are Up

On July 30th, WorldCantWait.org arranged a creative activism project where peeps came and had their photos taken to represent 100+ days of oil in the Gulf. The idea was to photo a person for every one of the 100 days of oil. We got more than 100. We also had people make signs and use 'oil' we provided to decorate their hands, face, bodies, etc to show their anger at BPs incompetence and the aloofness in the world.

Mine, above, was a little lack luster, but brief and to the point.

Click here to see these photos taken by Jerome "Newsy" Charles, he rocked! We borrowed NYC electricity to make it all happen. A detective came by to check out the scene, playfully mocked me for having a flower in my hair, gave me his card and peace-d out. All in all it was a success.

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Ugghhh, last day of vacay

It is indeed that day in which I have to look around me and take in all I can for to spread among my memory banks once I return to the stinky city I call home. This week has been so amazing, almost magical in its' perfection. We stayed in a huge beach house like we were rich people. One of my favorite features is it's gorgeous outdoor shower. It is just a day dream away from the beach (one block). Every day I tanned and swam, (my boobs are ghostly white) ate sinfully good food (ice cream almost every night) and went on adventures. I even had some Belinda Carlisle-esque sexy beach photos taken of myself rolling around in the waves in a bikini which I may or may not post, we'll see. I've never had a vacation before so this was a new thing for me. Usually I'm traveling somewhere to rock an audience and while I'm there I take in the sights. But after this, vacation is going to become a new yearly ritual for me. My mind has been made up.

On Wed I did a show at Coffee Comedy in Sea Isle City about 10 minutes away which was a lot of fun. 16 of my boyfriend's family members made the trek to see what their son / nephew / cousin / uncle / etcs girlfriend's 'little show' is all about. I had a respectable set in front of the sold out show (thanks in part to my built in bringer crowd) and lived to tell the tale. Matt McCarthy (funny red head from the cable commercials) was there to headline. He did a great set about stabbing everyone in the audience paired with a Kaufman-esque bit about the state drinks of each of the 50 states (mostly milk).

This woman in the audience still has me reeling. It's amazing how some people make it to adulthood with their creepy antisocial behavior. I'll quickly say what happened, because this story really doesn't deserve the blog-width. We asked a yuppie lady sitting front and center politely if she could move her chair over because she was blocking the camera, and she responded by aggressively staring blankly at us for an uncomfortably long time, moving her chair directly in front of us in a very confrontational way, then asking snidely if that was better. We were dumbfounded at her icky-ness and amused by the reality of it. We decided to just ignore her, and Matt let her have it once or twice during his set. But her weird behavior was so disturbing it stayed with me. I mean, what kind of animal does that?

Annnnny way, besides that bizarre interaction, the night was mostly great. There were a few ladies in their 80s in the audience and of course, they loved my set a lot. The old people in the audience always love me! I think I'm going to start doing geriatric shows, because that is really my audience. Young people and college kids and stuff are often too politically correct and uptight. But old people are where it's at. They've seen and done everything and my songs are reminders of the prohibition era and how crazy they were when they were young (unless they're overly religious). So stay tuned for my Golden Oldies tour, coming soon to a nursing home near you.

In closing, I don't want to go home, I want to take over this house like a squatter and become the Grey Gardens of Avalon, NJ. But I guess I'll probably just go back to NYC. My next show is this coming Monday, Monday Rendezvous at Bar on A where I will host, and then onto New Song Monday at Talent Show at 10 PM, 308 Bowery, where I will play a new song I wrote this week. See ya there, ya silly Sams and Sallies.

TONITE:

DELFINO AT THE SEA SHORE

my feet in the sand

I'm hittin' the comedy mic with Matt McCarthy at Coffee.Comedy at 8 PM. In case you don't know, Matt is the Verizon guy from the commercials. I know this because when I called to make a reservation of 16 people (my boyfriend's entire family) for the show tonight, the gal who answered the phone was very excited about it. Also, because I know Matt and I keep seeing his smily pink face on all the commercials. So if you're in the Jerzy area and wanna see a kickin' show, come on down. Details:

Coffee.Comedy

29 JFK Boulevard

Sea Isle City, NJ

8 PM doors

9 PM show

$15

RSVP strongly encouraged

(609) 263-5282

This should be a fun one. I'll be singing all my ribald nuttiness for my boyfriend's whole family to enjoy. Let's hope this doesn't turn him into a boy enemy heh heh barf. I think it will be OK, they know the score (negative 10), they've got my number (69), and they're ready to dirty folk rock out! (!)

GONG SHOW LIVE TONITE

Don't miss it, America, it's gonna be out of control amazing. If you were at Skits'N'Tits last night, you saw a great show. Now tonight at BB King's, you get a chance to see another awesome show, or to make up for missing a terrific show last night.

Tonight myself and a randy crew of gay-ish rapists are going to dance to a song I play on my customized rape whistle. I won the Arlene's Grocery Gong Show a few years ago, now it's time for me to take this one, too. I need to see your smiling faces there so do come out for what promises to be an insanely awesome show, and when I say insane, I mean it! You will not be disappointed or leave feeling un-entertained.

More info here, see you tonight at 8, don't be late!

New Song Monday

posted on Sunday

This song is about a hot, mostly submissive male life partner type who is imagined to my exact specifications and is slightly gayish, it's not about just any old slave fetish-y fella who enjoys having women walk on his back while he lies on broken glass or enjoys cleaning houses naked. So please don't call or email me if you're looking for a dominant madame, instead, perhaps try the back of the Village Voice. Thanks for your loving ears and eyes! To join the Song of the Month club (which sends free songs to you not necessarily on a regular basis), email jess delfino at yahoo dot com, or LIKE my Facebook page.

Controversial Interview

Can't I just be myself without getting into trouble?

I really should move to the UK, where there are hot boob models on page 4 of the daily newspapers, beer for kids and industry people who appreciate a bit of sass.

I did an interview for an arts blog written by Lee Anderson which is sponsored by the NY Dept. of Cultural Arts. Unfortunately for Mr. Anderson, the Dept. was not pleased with the post, because I'm not a ballerina or a corny new age dancer. So please, if you are my friend and like what I do, go to the blog and write a positive comment about how much you love to see things of my caliber and how there should be more dirty folk rock in the world, or just use your own words, to help Lee not have his sponsorship taken away.

Thanks. It sucks to be an artist in a world where people who are in charge of art don't get it.

Maybe if enough people express how much they enjoy all types of performance, the head art honchos of the US will allow America to watch more interesting and challenging performances in a wider array of public forums. Haaaahahahahahaha, yeah, right.

In other news, $kits'N'Tit$ (note my self-censorship) is coming up next Wed Aug 11 and on Thurs Aug 12, I'm performing at the Sony Music Gong Show @ BB Kings. Come to one, come to both, just getcher selves there!!

Finally, here are a few secret photos from the Curb Your Enthusiasm shoot -- we were not allowed to have a camera on the set but Ms. "I'm a real outlaw what with my dirty words and my songs about things we all have and know about and have for most of our adult lives" Delfino snapped a few anyway. On my walk to the shoot I saw this sign on the street, that's what happens when you shoot in Harlem / the Bronx and pretend it's the Upper East Side.

Here, Larry and Susie "drive by", well, they're in a car on a trailer. They used a hybrid car in the scene, which I thought was really awesome. I think I read somewhere that Larry is a hybrid car advocate.

Here they are again, I always wondered how those shots were done, now I know. With about 15 people, a million watts of light and a huge truck.

Here are my two favorite people from the shoot, Shaina and Kyla, I'm saying and spelling their names from memory so I might be wrong. But we kept each other entertained and laughing through the exhaustive heat, blaring sun, long day and annoying nincompoops who tried to upstage Larry David. If you're reading this, hey ladies! If the nincompoops are reading this, you are not funnier than Larry David!

Those were my Monday pals, I also met a sweet girl on the Friday shoot named Clara, I think, but I'm terrible with names / foggy minded from a long history of self-medicating. She was the best, so sweet! The holding area director guy had a talent show for the actors in the scene, so I got to do some of my stand up! He recorded it on his video camera, which I didn't see him doing til after my "set". I wonder what he will do with it?

And here was one of the best parts, catering with lobster, tuna and a delicious array of salad. I never get to eat like this, so I cherished this wonderful meal. Though I consider myself to be mainly a vegetarian, I eat meat maybe once or twice a year and was raised on seafood. I owe all I have to the bounty of the ocean, my father raised us by selling lobster and still does to this day. I do eat seafood now and then and I don't feel great about it, but in the native american / hippie tradition, in addition to loving the taste of seafood, I appreciate the energy and life force I draw from it, and at least I am aware of that. Seafood is my Jesus, it died for my sins.

Sadly, I couldn't finish the full plate of food, and was dreading having to chuck tuna and lobster, but they had to go containers so I got to bring it home!

Best day ever.

Curb-side

I'm heading back over to Curb Your Enthusiasm today to finish the scene I was in on Monday, and I'm getting paid as AFTRA today which means someone's gonna be makin' the big bucks!

The plus side, I get to stand in the shade of Larry David all day, sucking up his quips and hoping a shred of his magic and talent will get caught in a breeze headed in my direction.

The minus side, this shit is a long, tiring day, and it's a hot one, too.

In other news, here is a video from the Coney Island Talent Show which I was in this past weekend. I did not win, which shows how much they know about freaks. I spent the day on the beach with friends, sucking rum and coconut juice through a straw and baking to a nice, cancer-y shade of sienna.

I've decided, when it's my time, unless fate beats me to it, that's how I'm gonna do myself in. I'm gonna tan myself to death. It seems like a friendly, sunny way to go.

Good Stuff Alert

Though I miss Diane O'Debra dearly, her absence means that I get to host the terrific NYC Talent Show with Victor Varnado for a couple weeks til she gets back. Last night I hosted my first week after a very long day hangin' with Mr. Larry David, playing a feisty onlooker on the set of Curb Your Enthusiasm. It was the first time in awhile that I've won the writing contest and the drinking contest back to back, but I'm pretty proud and excited to say, take that, world. I proved something to no one, except myself, and that is that I can still pound a beer and fashion a witty retort.

Being on the set of Curb Your Enthusiasm was a long and exhausting day, and just a totally amazing experience. We filmed in Harlem and pretended it was the Upper East Side. I met two new cool pals and I met Larry David! There were a lot of outrageous neighborhood peeps watching and participating in their own hilarious ways. I will be going back on Friday to finish the scene.

I am pretty excited about a few fun things coming up, specifically the terrific Skits'N'Tits at Bowery Poetry Club, NYC, next Wed. Aug 11th, and The Gong Show at BB King's next Thursday, August 12th. We will miss Diane a lot, this is the first Skits show I've ever done without her and only the 2nd show we've done not as a trio since I joined the show over a year ago. She may report via Skype, so there's a chance she may be there after all. We will also be wishing Shappy farewell and good luck as he relocates to another major city, and fare well to PBR as a show sponsor. So it will be a bittersweet show but full of fun and funny, as always.

In closing for this brief entry, check out my fashion column I wrote for the fabulous website, The Collared Sheep. And if you're up late tonight with a dark sky overhead, don't forget to look out for the Aurora Borealis, which experts are saying in a rare episode may be seen as south as New York City.