Wednesday, March 31, 2004

More On Sneakery (Not to be confused with Moron Sneakery)

Though I wouldn't blame anyone who feels the latter is better phrased. So, I only had one response to my truth or dare-like request, but it was a good one.

PATRICK said I should sneak out onto the stage in a large scene of a Broadway show. I think it sounds like a delightful idea. The only problem is that I don't know any Broadway shows and am not familiar with any large scenes in any current Broadway shows. Does anyone have any suggestions? This is going to require a bit of research. My friend David thinks that if I do it, I will get arrested. I think that sounds like horse shit, but even if I do get arrested, I don't think I'd have a problem with going to jail for reasons of art.

I did get arrested once a few years ago for non-art related reasons (unless you can find art in not paying an old moving violation ticket, which technically, I probably could if I was asked to...) That was back when I was much more sensitive and I cried, but mostly because I had no money and I had to bail my boyfriend out of jail. (He got arrested too for an old failure to appear warrant he'd received for pissing on the platform of the PATCO train in Jersey. Isn't the PATCO train platform made up of 45% piss and other bodily fluids anyway?)

So, if you know of a good scene in a Broadway play where a bunch of people are out on the stage, lemme know. (A play that is going on right now.) E-mail it to me, please. Don't put it on the bulletin board. I want to try to keep it under wraps which show I end up going to, if I do go at all. I have grand ideas that sometimes flatulate themselves out before I get a chance to do them. Not that I wimp out or anything, more that I am just very busy constantly coming up with new ideas and projects and forgetting about the old ones. You know how it is, genii.

NOTE ON GENII: Is that the plural of genius? Can it be as of now? Let's try to make it spread. Sort of like the way kids of the future will be spelling the word ludicrous ludacris after the rapper. That's how things will be done in the future. Entries in the dictionary will consist of slang and names of bands and celebrities which used to be commonly used words in the english language but now represent something else.

In other news, I have now found a new place to live and it is a cute little set-up. I am living in the Lower East Side with a very sweet, nice, polite, attractive actor boy/man named Alex. I think we will get along famously, provided he doesn't get famous before I do, and probably even so. His mom used to date Bob Dylan. That's pretty cool. Of course, (do you even have to ask?) it's a 4 story walk up. I am convinced that people don't live on the first story of buildings. I think the landlords use those apartments as storage units or venues for illegal and morally questionable activities, such as chicken-fighting parties or college girl call girl agencies. (Is agency the right word to use there?)

I was walking up 6th Avenue the other day and who should I come across but Vincent Pastore, aka Big Pussy of The Sopranos. I was an extra in a film that he was in a few years ago (also starring Colin Quinn and Woody Allen, it was called Last Laugh At Pips and was filmed at Pips Comedy Club down in the bottom tip of Brooklyn. I never heard anything about it ever again) and we met and talked briefly, so I felt that it would be a great idea for me to go over to him and talk to him, you know, for old time's sake. I handed him my CD and he said he'd play it on his new radio show, which is on WVOX (AM 1460) in New Rochelle, NY, Tuesday mornings at 11 AM. I said, "Well, it's dirty." He didn't seem to mind. "Do you know who I am?" He asked. "Yes," I said, then ran away, feeling pretty dumb for having just walked up to him and handed him my CD. But those are the kinds of things I do. Who knows if it hurts or helps me to be so bold, but if it hurts me, at least I made an effort and got burned, instead of doing nothing and dying poor anyway.

I didn't hear the show to see if he'd played any tracks or even talked about it. But I did spend the day sneaking into free movies. I saw Spartan (by David Mamet starring Val Kilmer, just OK) and I saw Dogville (Lars von Trier, starring Nicole Kidman, better than Spartan, but again, just OK. It's been called Trier's best work to date, which I can't discount necessarily, and the message was somewhat cryptic, but also transparent, if that makes any sense, but the best part of the movie was the surprise ending, which was really delightful, though I had predicted it. I was mostly just delighted that my prediction came true, against my theory that it would end in a much different, much cheesier way. That was the actual surprise, that the movie didn't end shitty, the way most do.

So, that's the news. The weather is kind of depressing. It's raining (or drizzling, as they say) and a bit cold. I'm wearing jeans though, and some bad ass sneakers, so I'm dressed for no mess. Watch out, ma nature.

Sunday, March 28, 2004


I read this story on line about this guy who dressed up in a suit and snuck into a luncheon buffet to get a free lunch that was being handed out to all the employees of some company.

That sounded like so much fun to me. I don't know why I do, but I love to be sneaky and get away with it. I prefer to do it in ways where no one will get hurt by it, but sometimes I screw people over, too. Like the time I broke into the art store below my house and stole $1000 worth of markers and stickers. I was 15. They had it coming. No, I guess really they didn't. But....for the sake of my conscience, those damn old hippie artists had it coming.

I went to see Sonic Youth last summer in Central Park with my friend Gina. We had a great idea to sneak into the concert. Of course, when we got to the gate there were a bunch of security guards everywhere and it probably didn't help any that I was very drunk and also had food poisoning from some sun baked sushi I'd eaten a few hours earlier. We stumbled over to the Will Call booth and the lady asked us who we were and all that stuff. I cooly whipped out my MTV card and said, "My name's Jessica Delfino. I'm here from MTV." They looked down the list and said, "Nope, sorry. No Jennifer Delflicko." Now, that seems smarmy and lame, and it is, especially in person, but during my half of that negotiation, my friend Gina was peering over the list and the ticket envelopes. "Jess," she said in her best british affected accent, "Try under Shannon Doherty." She even pronounced it "Do-hurty." I caught her drift immediately, as that is the best way to be sneaky - with subtlety - and said, "Oh, yes, Shannon." The lady immediately found the envelope and handed it off to us. "Thank you," we said, and went to watch Sonic Youth with Shannon Doherty's free tickets. I'm not sure if it was THE Shannon Doherty or not, but my guess is yes. If she'd have seen us, I wonder if she'd have punched us?

I ended up watching exactly half an hour of the show before vomiting into a cup and being escorted off the premises by security. Those pussies don't know how to party.
And I can easily sneak into a concert, but I can't vomit in secret.

I'd like to have a job where people call me or write to me and challenge me to sneak into things/do sneaky things and then see if I can sneak into them. I used to be very good at it. I could sneak into ANYTHING with a bit of time and some preparation. Now with all these terrorists trying to sneak into parties and stuff, I guess they are really beefing up the security which sucks for me. But, I can still pull it off.

So, give it to me. Challenge me. What upcoming NYC event or place do you recommend I sneak into? E-mail me at or put it on the message board - Make it good, and fun, and make it tough. I will do it and then document it on my site with pics, too. If there's a chance I could get arrested, that might make it funner. But it's not necessary.


I'd like to give my boyfriend, Christopher, an honorable mention for most romantic daytrip ever. Though I do like him and am dating him, I also think he's kind of a jerk, but I want to give him credit for orchestrating a beautiful daytrip yesterday. We took a bike ride on 75 degree Saturday. We smoked pot and rode our bikes across the Manhattan Bridge into Brooklyn Heights, where we spent the day sightseeing and kissing, taking breaks from that only to smoke pot and eat snacks. We ended the day taking pictures of the sunset and the silouhetted Statue of Liberty from an overview. It was definitely one of the nicest times I've ever spent with a boy -possibly the most romantic daytrip I've ever taken with a boy.

Friday, March 26, 2004


Hey. I'll be performing at Astor Place tonight (6 train) heading uptown. Come by, sign my guest book and give me a coin wrapped lovingly in your pocket lint.

I'll be there tonight, FRIDAY, March 26th? at 5:30 pm until????

Also, if you aren't busy on Monday night, the Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players will be opening up the O'Debra Twins Show N Tell at the Bowery Poetry Club, 10 PM, THIS Monday night. I will be there performing also, as it is an open mic, but not only 'an' open mic, the BEST open mic in the city, I do believe.

So, what else is new?

I'm still looking for an apartment. I am trying to talk someone into letting me be a half roommate (that's keep clothes and personal effects in their closet, sleep there two nights a week with full-time shower access but only pay half the amount a normal roommate might. This is good for someone who's parents' pay their rent and they just want some pocket change to spend on trucker hats, Captain Crunch, what have you. (Read:"art" guy)

I'm still looking for a job, though lately I've been playing a lot in the subway and making a few nice bucks. Yesterday I made nearly $40 in two hours. NOT BAD. Now, if only I could do that for 40 hours a week, and if there were some kind of benefits besides getting to know all the homeless people on a first name basis.

I'm still looking for an answer to all my problems. Anyone have it?

I was walking down the road the other day (this sounds like a set up to a bit) and I saw a poster that said, "GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST." Then, there was this phone number: 212-613-5803. I called it and vented into a voicemail. Not as satisfying as cussing out a real life human being who had done nothing to me, but a close second, I suppose.

I saw a piece of musical theater this past weekend called, Rite Of Spring, directed by Julie Atlas Muz. I don't know much about her, but supposedly she is a darling of the dance scene and gets grants to curate various shows and what have you. The show was about 35 minutes long and bawdy, dark, twisted, blue, nude, and really pretty fabulous. It was put to the music of Igor Stravinsky, which was performed by a live band called the Butchershop Quartet. The show is at DTW at 219 W. 19th St. It is over but will be up again April 2 and 3rd and it was sold out the night I saw it, so I do recommend if you'd like to see it, make it happen now. If it's already sold out, try calling in to be a volunteer usher. 212-691-6500. Lady Ace is in it, a lot of people like her I guess, and James Ferguson, Dan Sullivan (who was raised in Maine I learned from the program) also the world famous *BOB* and other local burlesque favorites. If you like balls and vaginas and dry humping set to the music of a dark, possibly suicidal composer, you shall love RITE OF SPRING.

So, what else, what else???


Oh, Johanna Buccola, if you read this, please call me. I've been trying to call you for days and your cell says it's not taking any calls. It's hurting my feelings. Also, my cellphone broke and ALL the numbers in my phone book are gone forever. I have a new cellphone now and the phone book is empty. So, if you are a friend of mine, please call me and LEAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER when you call. I love you.'s something. There is an open mic every Thursday at Totem in the East Village at 11th Street bet. aves A and B. It starts at 7:30 ish, it's free, it's a great line up of stand-ups mostly from UCB Theater, it's very comfy/intimate, there are $3 pints and free goldfish snacks. Awesome. Go.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

NO MORE WAR this weekend

I went to the war protest in NYC with my boyfriend Christopher yesterday. We went with the intention of videotaping me sing "No More War" while the war protest was going on around me. We taped it in a few different sections of the protest, with cops behind me and people totally ignoring me, or people gathered around taking photos, and people making faces at me, etc. Later when I watched the footage, I looked so stoned (which I was - you don't go to a war protest sober) and everyone around me looked confused and bored. It is a nice addition to my growing dark dirty folk rock music videos series.

After the war protest, Chris and I went down into the subway and played guitar and sang songs together. We were at the 6 at Astor Place, 2nd Ave F, and a few other brief stops in between. We made over $50, which Christopher says he thinks is a high estimate, but I kept count the whole time. He had a sign that said, "Starving Artist seeks day job." Lots of people loved the sign and read it, then gave us money, but I don't think anyone offered him a job.

We saw a lot of people through out the day who we knew - Liam M., George, Ann, Harry (Vox), I saw my old pal Greer Barnes, a few nameless faces who I swear I've met enough times that I should know their names by now, and we made a few new acquaintances as well. When we finally emerged from the depths of hell, it was raining. We walked back to Brode's, drunk and stoned (which makes getting rained on for ten blocks a lot less annoying) and I fell immediately asleep.

Friday night's show at Collective, "Naked Slumber Party", hosted by the O'Debra's and featuring Johanna Buccola, Black Cat Burlesque and myself went over very well. The video footage we played was well-received, especially Christopher's super dark rendition of what goes on when four girls get together for a naked slumber party. I won't go into too much detail because there is so much in it, but some things include killing Big Mike, piercing our vaginas with screws and getting the electric chair. He drew it all by hand, and it is really lovely, and bloody.

After the show, I caught a little bit of a show at Piano's. I specifically wanted to see one act called "AQUI." They played at the Madagascar Institute benefit a few weeks ago and floored me. I love the lead singer, who calls herself "Stefonic" and I don't know if that's a stage name or not, but she's really engaging and enchanting. SHe's one part Nancy Wilson, one part Patty Smith, one part Karen Black, a few metal stereotypes and a cool hair-dye job. Not since Michael Portnoy have I seen someone that dymanic on stage, and I don't know if I can think of another female front as magnetic as Stefonic. They're great. They will be big at some point.

I'm going to be in Florida for a week at the end of the month. I don't really want to go, but my family is down there and they are busting my chops to go visit. I hate Florida, I don't want to travel, I have no money, I don't want to go a week with no gigs, I am scrounging money for food, (playing in the subway, etc.), I am supposed to be moving into a new apartment on the first of April with a dwindling cash supply I borrowed from a friend, and I still am not sure how I am getting down there. But none of that seems to be important to my family. All that is important is that I get down there. I spoke to my sister and told her that Amtrak tickets are $20 one way, and suggested she come to NY instead. She said, "I am in school, Jessica! I can't just take a week off of school and work to go to NY." Interesting. I can relate. My aunt says, "Come to Florida. Maybe we can talk you into staying." They are a cult. So, the point is, while I am down there I am going to be looking for things to do to keep myself from fighting with my family members because I am kind of pissed at them for ganging up on me and insisting I go down there, though I can understand that they only miss me and I miss them, too. If you live in the Tampa area, especially if you own a bar or are friends with a club owner, if you have a recording set up on a Mac or are friends with people who own a studio, let's get together and make some music while I'm down there. Otherwise, just come pick me up and take me out to lunch......Patrick.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Oh, yeah, and that.

Monday night at the Bowery Poetry Club, during Show N' Tell, the O'Debra's weekly open mic (which I am always at), Kurt Metzger, my ex, showed up and we ran into eachother. I was surprised to see him, and he me, I think, and we hadn't seen eachother for awhile, so we were in good spirits and very cordial to eachother. We went next door to our friend's new bar and had a drink. I told him I had to go uptown to David's to grab something, so he even offered to treat for a cab uptown and back - very nice of him, also very unusual - he's usually flat ass broke. I accepted, seeing he owes me a few thou and got me an eviction ruling, barring me from ever being able to rent an apartment in NY in my name again. So, we jumped into a cab and sped uptown, chatting affectionately about old times, both of us just north of pretty wasted. I went in, got my stuff and came back out. When I got back into the taxi, Kurt kissed me. I pulled away from him, sort of dazed, got my bearings, and wiped my lips. He protested about me pulling away and wiping my lips. I didn't say much until we got back downtown to BPC. I said I was going to go inside and watch my friend Adira, and I'd be back out in a few minutes.

I went inside and watched Adira and Ann's set, but Kurt kept calling my cellphone asking if I was coming back out. I said I'd go get a piece of pizza with him because I didn't want him to come in and make any kind of scene with Christopher, so I went outside and we started walking to the pizza place. He tried to kiss me again and I pulled away, saying I didn't want to kiss him. He asked why, I told him because I had a boyfriend, didn't like him anymore, etc. He got very pissed at my loyalty to Christopher/my rejection of him for his own selfish reasons, and said he was going to go and beat Christopher up. I tried to talk him out of it, but then seeing how that didn't really work, decided to try reverse psychology and sarcasm, saying, "Oh, well, this I'd like to see."

He turned around, ran back to BPC, giving me the finger over his shoulder as he ran and disappeared into the night. I had stupid gold shoes on and it was hard for me to keep up with him, but I noticed as I got closer to BPC, he was standing at the door waiting for me. "I want you to see this," he said, and went inside. He looked around, but couldn't find Christopher because he doesn't really know what he looks like. So, he kept asking people, "Who's Christopher?" To everyone he asked, I'd say, "Oh, this is my ex-fiance. He came here to beat up Christopher." So, no one would tell him who he was. I finally decided, though it would give away his whereabouts, to go over to Christopher and tell him that Kurt was here and wanted to beat him up, just so he would know not to come into the back or anything like that. He was sitting in the front and I assumed that would discourage Kurt from coming over to him, as he wouldn't want to disrupt the show or make too much of a scene. Well, I was wrong. When I went over to talk to Christopher, he gave me a big, wet, sloppy kiss. I glanced back, hoping Kurt wasn't watching, but he was. He came stomping over and started patting Chris on the back really hard, pulling on his pony tail (like a pussy) and saying, "Oh, come outside for a minute. I want to talk to you outside about something." Christopher resisted because he was watching the show, didn't want to go outside with Kurt, etc., and so Kurt tossed his bass guitar off the table. Christopher got pissed and complained about it not being his guitar, and the show started to get disrupted, so thankfully, Diane came over and (I love her) grabbed Kurt, exclaiming, "It's his time." (Referring to the guy on stage.)

I stayed inside and Kurt called my cellphone, yelling at me, "Bla, blappity blap." I think he said something about how next time he saw Christopher on the street he was going to murder him with his bare hands. He's so lame. Christopher and I chuckled over the ordeal together. "I thought he was going to punch me at least, or something," he said. "What a pussy." Kurt called back a minute later and said, "Check Christopher's pants for a load," acting like he'd really scared the shit out of him or something. I tried to explain that Christopher gets beat up all the time and probably even enjoys it a little bit. Kurt tried to rebut, calling Christopher a pussy for not coming outside with him. I said, "You're both pussies," and hung up on him.

I had actually almost completely forgotten about it until I saw Kurt's posting on the comment board, and how upset he was that he didn't get a mention on my blog. Guys are SUCH fucking WEINERS. I wrote a brief reply, being busy and not wanting to spend much time thinking about it, and Kurt called me up, angry that I didn't reply more in depth. Then, he asked me if I didn't miss him more or something, and why didn't I miss him more, then, as he got increasingly more pissed at me for just being honest about the feelings I don't have for him anymore, he said that when he thinks of me, before he thinks of my face even, all he thinks about is how much he misses my ass and pussy. The thing that comes to my mind about that is how dogs love to sniff asses and pussies, and how in a lot of ways, Kurt is like an animal.

WAYS KURT IS LIKE AN ANIMAL (separate from the fact that we, humans, are all animals):

- He loves to eat meat, practically raw, lots of it, and devours it in a very animal like way.
- He thinks with his dick. His dick is the main motivation behind a lot of things he does.
- He gets mad, irrational, and has very little self control. Like Frankenstein.
- His favorite hobbies are sleeping, eating, shitting and fucking. He prefers not to leave the house whenever possible, instead preferring to watch tv, scratch his balls and get blow jobs from naive neighbor girls.
- He has a furry mono brow, similar to the mane of a lion. (which he shaves)
- His powers of reasoning and logic are disrupted by anger and narrow-mindedness.

I have tried to be friends with him, but he just won't let me. He's caught up in the past, maybe he feels stupid for being such a dipshit, or maybe he just really is a dipshit. I can't figure it out, I've already wasted six or so years thinking about it in depth. I have other, more important things to think about, like fixing my life since he fucked it up.


Either be friends with me and stop behaving like a childish dick hole, or just stay away from me. This is your LAST chance. You don't even deserve my friendship after how badly you've screwed me over. Do you need me to write out another story full of other shitty things you've done to me? Just accept that you blew it and now evaluate if being my friend is something that is important to you or not, then make up your mind and stick with it. You are being gay now. I'm giving you the chance to be the good friend to me now that you never were when we were dating. K? Take it or leave it.


My favorite type of relationship is one of serial monogamy. I enjoy being with ONE man for as long as I'm with that man, and as long as he treats me good (by being loyal, honest, affectionate, and every once in a while taking me out) we are on. Once someone starts stealing from me, lying to me, cheating on me, being disrespectful, etc., my desire to maintain serial monogamy for that person dissipates, leaving nothing but a smoking hole. I then feel no need to be loyal or remain in that relationship. I think this is fair. I think this is the way every relationship should be. If you want to date a woman and make her happy, these are the things you should do, if that woman is me or like me. I've broken it down into ten simple rules.

1. Don't fucking lie to her. (duh)
2. Don't steal her money, belongings. (duh)
3. Kiss her. Hug her. Fuck her. Every day, or as time permits, but shoot for every day.
4. I don't ever recommend going to bed angry.
5. Try to set basic guidelines early on - open relationships are bullshit. Try to stay away from them. Set boundaries of trust and stick to them.
6. Do not put yourself in compromising situations - for example, going out alone with a girl who you find incredibly sexy/attractive who feels the same way that you do. That's kind of stupid. (duh)
7. Buy her shit or take her out. Not every day. Shoot for once a week or more. You don't have to spend a lot of money on a girl or buy the stereotypical flowers/chocolate. If you see something that you think would make her smile (a sticker with her name on it, something that glows in the dark, I don't know....) buy it and give it to her. Don't make a big deal about it, just say, "Hey, I got you something. Isn't this cute?" I like to cook pancakes or french toast for Christopher on Sundays. I think it's sweet. He takes me to the movies all the time and always brings a bottle of vodka that we can drink in secret. That is endearing. Stealing money from a girl's bank account - NOT endearing.
8. Don't talk badly about her to other people. It makes you look like a jerk. Talk to eachother about your relationship. It benefits your relationship a lot more.
9. Don't be disrespectful. This is hard to define, but it might include doing any of the above. Cheating is definitely disrespectful, especially if you have established that you are not in an open relationship. It's not cool, or nice, and makes you look like an ass. Cheating includes kissing, fondling, fucking, massaging, being intimate with other girls.
10. Finally - for every thing you do in your relationship, it helps to bounce it off the golden rule - do unto others as you would expect others to do unto you. So, if it would hurt you if your girlfriend made out with some hot guy from work, talked to her girlfriends about your sexual problems or small penis, refused to hug, kiss, fuck you, stole money from you, lied to you, you can probably guess it would hurt her if you did the same. It's very fucking simple. Don't be a jerk.

Good luck, all.

I guess this is kind of like "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey, except darker, and more morbid, and not so funny or short and jokey. I might try to make them more funny and short and jokey, for sensitivity's sake.


When I feel like killing myself, I think about it for a few minutes. It makes me feel anxious, then relaxed, and then the feeling goes away. Suicide is like being in love. It isn't going to fix anything, but it is something to do. I know I talk about suicide a lot, and I promise you this, I am way too much of a pussy to EVER actually go through with it. But, it is SO reassuring to know that if ever the bottom just totally falls out, there is an escape. That is part of what makes contemplating suicide so relaxing. The other part is purely creative. I am an introspective person who likes to explore my internal reserve, and I like to visually imagine the things I find there. Sometimes my imagination gets the better, darker half of me and those images go to corners so dreary and deviant, I am surprised to find them. It's like discovering money in an old coat pocket. It's pleasing, but also, a bit shocking. I think, "I can't believe I just left $20 in my pocket. Am I an idiot? Was I drunk? Is this a gift from god?" And also, of course, "Cool. Money!"

Here's the Deep Thoughts version:
Suicide is for people with lots of free time. And a gun.

Sex with Children

This is the way I feel about sex with children. I think there is a lot of grey space in this topic. And this is why. Rape is a shunned topic, word, concept. But if you want to get technical, when I lost my virginity at age 14 to a 19 year old "man?"
I was "raped," though willingly so. I remember seducing HIM. We were laying in a grassy field, kissing. I said, "Do you want to go back to my house? My dad isn't home." I took him up to my room and we did it on my silly little mattress. I think I had flowers or hearts on my bedspread. I had an orgasm. I didn't even know what it was. I had to ask him. Then, he explained it. I was confused by the concept. I thought that sex just felt good all the way through, I didn't understand the point of climax or completion. Kids. Now I realize, it's because if not for a sign when to end it, we'd all probably just do it all day long until we were raw and bored. So, say my dad had come home and caught this kid in my bed, balls deep in his daughter. He could have technically pressed the rape issue, right? According to the law, and what adults know about temptation, he was in the wrong. But how could he turn me down? I was so adorable. Perfect little body. I was crazy about him. I lured him to my room. He could have, maybe should have said, "No." But, he didn't. And I didn't. And if you were on the jury, you wouldn't have convicted him. Would you have? OK. So, now, what if I was 13? Same set of circumstances. OK. So, now what if I was 12? Same set of circumstances. OK. So, now what if I was 11? Is that getting too close to your sensors yet? Am I setting off an alarm? But what if, at age 11, I begged a 19 year old to take my virginity. So, maybe it's wrong, by what is considered to be acceptable social standards, to take the virginity of an 11 year old. But is it rape? Because, it happens, you know.

Deep Thoughts version:
I have never been involved with sex with a child, per se, unless you count the time I was a child and someone had sex with me.


Abortion. The word itself is an abortion. It makes me cringe. It envokes images of coat hangers, and blood, and paper gowns, tears, three hundred dollars, valium, angry parents. I think that if the name was nicer, it might be more widely accepted. Like, what if it was called the baby game? Or, a sweet fix? It takes some of the sting out of it. It reminds me of an old joke my ex-boyfriend used to tell. He said that the problem with Jewish people is that the word "Jew" has a terrible connotation to it. If you changed it to fuzzy bears, it would fix everything. Fuzzy bears own all the banks. Awwww! Go, fuzzy bears!

Deep Thoughts version:
I feel sorry for people who get abortions. They obviously don't know about garbage cans.


Society hates people who love heroin, for the most part. If you're doing heroin, generally, that's the last stop before Morguesville. But, what if you only try it one time, and then never try it again? I've never, ever tried heroin, but I've thought about it many times. I used to really like taking pain killers as a college aged teen and young adult (I sound like a behavioral expert on Oprah) and found them to be a lot of fun and very fulfilling. They were cheap, easy to get my hands on, and - the coolest part - they kill all pains you might be feeling, physical and emotional, and leave you with a nice, warm body wide glow. I don't take pain killers anymore, really, because I don't have the time or years left to be spending hours on end bathed in sweet, mind numbing bliss. But I've heard, heroin is a lot like pain killers, they are both opiates and made from similar compounds. Just that heroin is a lot stronger. I think it would be one of those things I'd like to maybe try one time via the nose and then never try again. Some people say that's not possible - one try and you're hooked. But I have been a one cigarette a day smoker since age 14. Sometimes, not even one a day. Usually, especially lately, not. So, that's my opinion on heroin.

Deep Thoughts version:
I'd never try heroin. But then again, when I was younger, my mother used to always say, "Never say never."

Send me a dark topic. The darker, the more abstract, the better. What bleak imaginings reside in your brain?

Thursday, March 11, 2004


"Rape" Video shown at WEST

Last night I showed my video for "Someone Who Loves Me," a song which is anti-rape but pro-the rape fantasy, at WEST and was surprisingly, very well-received. There was no sound on the DVD which for a moment horrified me, then I pulled out my guitar and just played and sang the words to the song which the video was made for to the delight of the crowd.

Many people came up to me afterwards and asked questions, gave me praise and bought merchandise. Every once in a while humanity surprises me with open minds and hearts and appreciation for art, even art they might not necessarily understand. Last night was one of those times and it filled my vagina with joy.

540 SCAM

I just found this out and wanted to pass it along. On the back page of NY Press and Voice and other tabloid papers, you know how they advertise jobs? Some of them sound cheesy or like bullshit, but my friend tried to call one just out of curiosity for a job making $15 per hour telemarketing or something. When he called the number, he got a message which told him to call another number. He called the second number and it was out of order or busy or something. So, he called the first number back and listened more closely to the message. It said to call the second number, as he'd heard before, but he waited until the very end of the message after normally someone would have hung up. A few seconds after what appeared to be the end of the message, in a really quiet voice, the voice tells the listener that the second phone number will cost you $25 to call!!!!


So, FYI - 212-540-XXXX numbers are TOLL NUMBERS and if you ever see them or dial them, now you know. 212-540 is the same as a 1-900 number, but for Manhattan. I think this is heinous and should be outlawed, but in the meantime, all I can do is warn people. Verizon or whoever is responsible for this should be stopped, and VOICE and NY PRESS should refuse to run those ads. It's just bad form to even be involved or associated with that kind of shadiness. It's like selling someone a gun, then the gun is used to murder a defenseless old lady, then the guy who sells the gun says, "What? I only sold them the gun. I didn't shoot anyone." Everyone knows guns kill. And now, everyone knows that 540 numbers are a sham.

I guess if you care enough about this and want to do something to curb it, you can call or mail Verizon, NY Press and The Voice and tell them not to propogate scams and scammers. Also, tell your friends that 540 numbers are a ploy. I care about it, because I think that there is enough mayhem, lying, scamming, thievery and shenanigans in the world. We don't need any more EVIL than there already is. People who run scams should be raped, and I don't mean to a Genesis CD. So now you know. And knowing is half the battle.


That guy Lastins and I have been e-mailing eachother back and forth and I think I am in love with him. If I weren't already dating someone, I might do it to Lastins, and even though I'm dating someone, I might anyway.

Lastins is the guy I wrote about a few entries ago who does the sappy writing seminars. I still haven't figured out if he's totally for real or not yet or what motivates him, but I really like him. I like him, mostly because he likes me, but sometimes, again, humanity surprises me when an individual does something so shockingly sweet and selfless that you just have to take a step back and revel in the very aura of the experience. The french call it bomaux. I got to experience it this afternoon, when my friend Lisa e-mailed me a posting from, which was written by none other than Mr. Lastins himself. (I pasted it below.)

Hello out there.

My name is Lastins. I am a die hard fan of Jessica Delfino, dirty folk rockstress. I want to tell you about Jessica Delfino and dirty folk rock. I told her I was going to do this, and though she asked me not to, I have strong feelings about this, and have decided she won't deter me from doing it.

Jessica is really good. She tells funny, dark jokes and her music consists of "mostly somewhat vulgar" (that's a line she says a lot) songs about genitals and other stuff, but her music isn't stupid. It's smart and funny. On her website, she tells stories about her life being really shitty, like how her fiance stole money from her and got her evicted, and now she's homeless, etc. I'm confused because there are lots of shitty musicians and artists out there who are making great livings being shitty, then there are great musicians and artists who are broke and struggling. It doesn't make sense. So, I am trying to tell people about her because I think she deserves the love.

Go to her website, which is On her website there is a free mp3. If you like it, please buy one of her CDs, because she got really screwed over by her ex and could use the help. Also, read some of her stories which are really well-written, poignant and funny, also very dark and honest, and if you know an agent or manager or put a show together, tell them about her, or e-mail me and I'll tell her to e-mail them or you. Check out a show. She does a lot of free shows around the city and also plays in the subway. She is really pretty, too. Her music almost borders on performance art. She wears neat outfits as she sings songs that are thought-provoking and dirty.

If you love to support live art in NYC, if you are a philanthropist or an artist or musician yourself who is interested in other people's art as well as your own, or if you just happen to have some dough and want to help her make her music and art, she is someone who has the ability to really go far, and I have no doubt that she will, but I want to help her do it quicker, so that is why I am doing this.

Some lyrics from her song "Sudden Change" - (the mp3 free on her site)

"If you meet me on the street, and I seem to be mad or upset, and you're wondering if it is you, there's something you should not forget - remember, once a month for a week, I bleed from my vagina."

Here's lyrics from "I Think Of You"

"When I'm feeling sad, I cut myself. When I'm feeling bad, I cut myself. I get a razor blade and I cut myself, with initials that belong to you..."

Funny, charming, adorable, dark, silly, poetry.

She performs in the subway, and posts the times/dates/stations she'll be at on her website. She performs almost every night around Manhattan. She's got a ton of determination and drive which I admire and even envy a little bit. She even just got reviewed in March's JANE magazine. I think she's awesome and I want everyone else to see how awesome she is, too. I guess I should say that I have something of a crush on her, but she has a boyfriend and she seems to like him a lot. She's really sexy and sweet at the same time, which is uncommon, but that's not why I like her. I like her because she is as great as I say she is. If you knew her, you'd have a crush on her, too. I'm doing this because I really want to see her do well, but it would be cool if something great happened because of this and she fell in love with me for my selflessness.

I guess that's all I want to say.

Lastins P.

Can anyone say "Sweetheart?" How about, "About to dump my current boyfriend for this man?" Or, "Who deserves a passionate blow job?" I am a little bit embarrassed, maybe, because the listing kind of makes me sound like a junkie or something, but the sentiment is absolutely delightful.

SUPER DARK - Ultra Dirty Folk Rock

This is my new project I am going to start working on immediately. I sold a CD to Patrick in Tampa yesterday and he wrote me this funny little e-mail:

Dear Jessica,

I received your CD in the mail today. Thank you for the prompt shipment. I immediately popped it into my stereo for a listen. This is where the problems began.

I have now finished listening to the entire album and I am outraged. I cannot even express how thoroughly disappointed I am that only three songs are in fact about your pussy. I expected there to be so much more pussy music on this album. It might as well be a CD of Blues Clues Biggest Adventures. If you were going for clean-cut, you certainly hit your mark. But my CD said DIRTY Folk Rock, and there wasn't enough pussy to be labeled dirty. Maybe questionable, but not dirty. You need to step it up a notch.

Furthermore, the songs that were about your pussy were very vague. You could describe it more. It wouldn't kill you. All I know about it is that is like rock n' roll (apparently), is shaved and I can't look it in the eye. Oh yeah, and that see it is like getting hit by a car and then getting hit by another car. Super un-descriptive, if you ask me.

I want my money back.

Patrick Melton

THIS inspired me to create a new CD, which I will call SUPER DARK - Ultra Dirty Folk Rock. On it will be the darkest, most vulgar, (all the while smart, funny, and clever) songs I can muster. I will not resort to cheap dark thrills. It's gonna be something else, mister. I'm very excited about it and have started working on it already. I imagine it will be ready within a month or two.


Vagenius is a new project I am working on tentatively with a few various lady mates, specifically one Adira Amram, who I ranted and raved about on "Eating It and et al." Adira is a smart, funny, classy, irresistable broad who you are about to fall in love with. She plays funny little songs too, and also is just really funny and does great characters. She is currently in Hot Little Pieces of Ass with Shauna Lane and Ann X, and does songs with a guy named Quincy. I forgot the name of their band. She and Quincy will be at Galapagos' Floating Vaudeville hosted by Von Von Von this Friday night, as will I, and she and I will also be at the Astor Place stop on the 6 line going uptown at 2 pm on Friday day. She'll be on keyboards and charm and I'll be on guitar and wit. We will be singing songs, fucking with passers-by and taking polaroids with commuters. It should be delightful, to say the very least, and of course, free. Come give us love, attention, and a dollar.

Tuesday, March 9, 2004

EATING IT and et al

YESTERDAY was so much fun. I started off the evening with my debut performance at Luna Lounge's "Eating It." It was a special event where fifty comics performed in fifty minutes, give or take a few minutes. Some of the highlights of the evening:

Andres du Bouchet went on the stage and looked for his notes for about fifty seconds, unable to find them. Finally, he did "find" what he was looking for - two middle fingers which he gave to the audience. Though it wasn't super ingenious or even his, it was very funny and adorable. Andres has a great show called, "Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There Is A Game" at St. Marks Theater. It is a really great, really great show. Go and see it.

Roger Hailes, Nick Kroll, Andrea Rosen and Chelsea Peretti did a dance piece where they sort of gyrated on stage for about 30 seconds all dressed in white, then Chelsea turned around and had a huge "period blood" stain on the back of her shorts. Dark and funny and clever. I love Roger, Nick and Chelsea's sense of humor. I don't know Andrea too well.

Liam had a really cute sketch with Claudia, where she pretended to be a mail-order comedy partner, then just spent her part of the sketch trying to pick up Liam or anyone who would marry her into Americanization.

Amber Tozer did a phone sketch where she called a comedy hotline. "To hear a dick joke, press 2. To hear a really big dick joke, press 3." Then, the phone guy verbally assaulted her and called her a whore for wanting to hear a really big dick joke. In her adorable way, she called the phone guy a "douche." Amber is one of my favorite comics and people.

Seth Herzog did a character of a drunk idiot who was getting on stage. He was calling out to his friend that he was on stage and how excited he was that he was totally gonna fuck a hot chick and etc. He is so funny, and good at being loud, which is not easy to pull off.

Kimmy Gatewood had a cute sketch with her "dark side." Kimmy played trombone as her "good side" and her "dark side" smoked, called her names, told her to "lick it" and physically abused her, then let her fall on her ass in a trust fall. I enjoyed the cuteness of the darkness.

Shauna, Adira and Ann (Hot Little Pieces of Ass) did a number all dressed up in fifties dresses. They sang a song about how they needed to get fucked, but in a fifties-esque formula. Very cute. I love them all - Shauna and Ann are both extremely talented character actors and Adira is one of the most genuinely raw funny people I've ever met.

There were so many other great acts who I can't really remember right now, but the thing I thought was really great about the show was that all these 'typical' comics who normally would get up and tell jokety joke joke after jokety joke joke got to let their hair down and act out a little bit - trying out characters and sketches and alternatively weird bits that they didn't normally get to do in a typical comedy venue setting. I was very impressed with the creativity of them all, but I guess that is why they were chosen to perform on Eating It and why Eating It is heralded as one of the city's best comedy shows.

After Eating It I had to run over to Bowery Poetry Club to perform on The McGuffin? which I missed because Eating It was running behind schedule. I hated missing that show because it is always packed and the crowd there likes me very much. So instead, I performed on Show N Tell. Touching You opened up the show this week (every week they have a new performer open up the show) with his project Narcissist starring Kim Katzburg on vocals and insanity, as he says. She basically gyrates around on stage with her nose scotch taped up and screams and tells the audience to fuck her pussy. Though I don't particularly love the act, I do appreciate what she's doing and wish there was more weird shit out there like that. Rachel Trachtenburg of the Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players played the bells on Touching You's jarring homage to Laurie Anderson, entitled "Lou Reed's Cock." (Don't touch it, don't lick it, don't go anywhere near that thing....)

I had a nice little set at Show N Tell. I played "Sudden Change", my song that is not about menopause, then "I Think Of You", which is a parody about women who cut themselves, (when I think of you, I cut myself....and in the scabs I see your face....) then finished off the set with a little-performed ditty called "The Song You Wrote About Me" which is a song about how my "boyfriend" wrote a song about how much he loved me, then broke up with me for some random girl, so I planned to commit suicide to the song he wrote about me. A guy named Brian came and videotaped my set and interviewed me for an entertainment and arts based tv show he produces for WNYE - Channel 25. Jason Trachtenburg also performed, I always enjoy watching him because he is funny and he always seems to be acting like he's on acid, but I'm not sure. I like people who take acid. They are generally awesome people.

Other highlights of the show were Johanna Buccola performing a character who pretended to get confused on stage, and an actual real audience member went on stage to comfort her, also Rich Shapiro performed who's craziness I just adore, Milton Katz is funny and adorable always, the O'Deb's took a break to allow for "Big Mac" - Tonya dressed up like a cheeseburger, and Diane as Anna Nicole Smith to host the show. I love Show N Tell and recommend it to the world.
It's $3 and goes from 10 pm to 3 am. There is always a beer chugging contest, there is always a writing contest, (for example - name the O'Debra's new brand of douche - Some entries were "Guns of Brooklyn" and "Granny's Old Snapper Flush" - just a small indication of the creativity and originality of the crowd) and at the end there is a beer walk, which is like a cake walk, but with beer. Anyone can perform, some people are really great, some are just okay, some are awful, but no matter what, the show is never boring. It's every Monday night at 10 pm at the Bowery Poetry Club on Bowery a block north of Houston. People do everything from poetry to characters to music to dances to readings to tom foolery to venting on stage. Sometimes, there's even nudity.

I finished off the evening with a taco with Touching You at our favorite cheap Lower East Side taco hole "San Loco." You gotta love the fact that you can find a taco joint open until 4 am on a Monday. I love New York.

Monday, March 8, 2004


I discovered Lupus on He is this weirdo art-rocker who also makes funny, interesting flash animation videos and writes stuff that is interesting to read. I think he is in possession of a high IQ and might have even been in his grammar school gifted and talented program. I bet he probably came close to winning a spelling bee and probably got sent to the principal's office a lot for being a disruption to the class. Either that or he was shy and introverted until last year. But I doubt it. His website is:

Might I recommend him to you?

Sunday, March 7, 2004

...and other stuff...

I went to the Madagascar Institute party in Williamsburg this past weekend. It was super amazing. I'd never been to anything like it before or since, and I don't know where else I'll get to see something so unique and stimulating.

It was like a carnival made by artists that are stuck in kid land. There were weird rides and awesome live acts. I saw this band called "Aqui" which means "here" in spanish. They were so fucking awesome, I couldn't even believe it. The lead singer was this sexy, slender shim of a man/woman, she was obviously female, but she had masculine qualities that made her appealing on many fronts. She sang with an awesome deep voice and her body movements made her very interesting to watch. I recommend you look them up if you like punky-rock art metal. They were really great.

I guess the guy who sort of is in charge of Madagascar Institute (I think his name is Dave?) hurt himself really badly when he accidently shot himself or something when he was trying out a confetti gun that he had made. There was a big, blown-up well-written article in the Times about what had happened, and the party was a fund-raiser for him. It was $10 to get in, which was very irresponsible for me to pay, being as broke as I am, but I paid it because I knew the show was going to be awesome.

I ran into my friend Chris Siemasko at the party, as well as Jason Trachtenburg of the Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players, and a few other people I knew, which I didn't really expect to do. There were over 3000 people in attendance, I hear.

It was a huge warehouse and every room was full of weird contraptions and devices and live performances and strangeness. If you ever hear of the Madagascar Institute ever doing anything ever, try to go to it. It'll be worth whatever they charge. I am going to write them a letter and tell them that they can have me and I'll do whatever they want me to do.

This is pretty cool - I was on Rivington St. last night and there was some art opening going on, and who's art was it, you ask? Well, let me tell you - the lead singer of GWAR. I met a member of GWAR on the street, his name was Scott Krahl which surprised me, I thought once you became GWAR, your real name turned to dust or something, I don't know. But he goes by Gwar Slave which made a lot more sense to me considering their act.

Have you ever seen or heard of them? If not, I recommend you check them out. Google that shit. He was keeping company with an adorable pink-haired lady named Kat. They were just in town for the weekend, but the good news is, they are planning to go on tour this summer, so I hope I get to see them. We exchanged contact info and then I went on my merry way. Isn't that so awesome?

My favorite old ex-boyfriend from highschool, Alex Raye, introduced me to GWAR back around '95. He also introduced me to RUSH and Joni Mitchell, and Tower of Power, and so much other great music. He is one of my most important musical influences, and I miss that guy. He is currently married to my sister's high school best friend. Funny how life works out sometimes.

I played my guitar at Astor Place today for close to two hours. I made $23 and change. I am going to start listing my subway performances in Time Out NY and the L magazine. Why the fuck not?

I am going to be at Luna Lounge tomorrow night for Eating It. It is the first time I've ever done Eating It. It's actually a special event called "50 in 50" where they have fifty comics who each get one minute. I think it's going to be a mob scene, but it should be fun.

Friday, March 5, 2004


So, Howard Stern is having a little trouble right now. I think he's a dumb dick and I don't really like his show, but the craigslist poster who put up this listing has a good point. I encourage anyone who reads this to take a minute and e-mail the chairman. I don't do political shit too much, but I have an opinion and an agenda as far as freedom of speech and censorship go. If we all sit back and do nothing, it is going to affect us in a very negative way. We can't be programmed by religious kooks with bibley agendas. The listing is below, and my letter I sent is below as well. Feel free to copy or use any part of my letter if you don't know what to say. My letter is not very good, but the sentiment is there. Stand up and represent the right to free speech, unless you're okay with christian rock.


Please help!! The FCC is trying to destroy one of our basic freedoms in America...freedom of speech. Write to the chairman and tell him you will not stand for this.
Tell him to leave shows like Howard Stern alone. Stand up for your rights as an American.

email to:


Why are there so many issues involving the questionable mistreatment of the constitution coming up currently? It is because people in power are abusing their rights and disobeying the laws that this country was founded on.

THE RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH is the single most important freedom that the people of America are allowed. The fact that I get to write this e-mail right now is just a tiny example of the bigger picture - free speech is allowed here. But that right is dying, because THE FCC and other facist government agencies are illegally cock-blocking the voice and rights of America.

Freedom of speech and other basic rights issues are coming up again and again, because RELIGIOUS KOOKS (disguised as well-intended government officials, and inaccurately referring to themselves as a religious rite) are in authoritative positions. These kooks are putting their own religious beliefs and fancies in front of laws and the very CONSTITUTION that represents the people.

SEPARATE religion and state! Obey YOUR laws! DO YOUR JOB!!!!!! Do not censor our rights to free speech on the radio or otherwise! Please do not break the law anymore! You are going to cause the people to revolt and a lot of unnecessary bloodshed and turmoil if you try to take away our basic rights. The people of America will not stand for this much longer! There are bigger things to be worrying about than the F word.

Jessica Delfino

Thursday, March 4, 2004

What's Going On, America?

Hi. I'm Jessy Delfino. Writer and maintainer of "Jessy Delfino's Blog," America's highest regarded sarcastic, dry humored, generally bad-natured premiere weblog. I am proud to inform everyone that I will be performing at a fabulous New York City venue this evening called "CBGB's Lounge." I will be playing downstairs and the show will be $5.

At the show, you will hear such dirty folk rock hits as, "Lullabye - a song that my mother used to sing to me when I was just a little girl about how terrible life is, Sudden Change - it's not about menopause, Someone Who Loves Me - a song about how women have rape fantasies but only for men they're in love with, and more "making sweet, passionate love" fantasies. You will also get a terrific hand-detailed program which someday may or may not become a collector's item, and I will also have Dirty Folk Rock CD's on hand to sell to any die hard fans out there or people who happen to enjoy collecting obscure demos. Other surprises too, maybe.

CBGB's is at 315 Bowery, just one block north of Houston near the F to Broadway/Lafayette and the 6 to near there, too, and the show starts at 9:30 pm. Hope to see some of you there.



I met this freak Lastins Panderlings at a writer's convention last week. He was loud and dorky and fascinating and excessively dressed and who knows? I might have tried to have sex with him if he weren't just a hair's shade of too legitimately insane for my tastes. I didn't get to talk to him for too long, but he handed me a pamphlet about this erotic lit workshop that he teaches. It's $75 per 8 week workshop, and this guy is awesome. The best way for me to describe him is as a luni-tard. If any fellow NYC writers or people who take interest in things bizarre are up for taking this workshop, let me know, I'd be kind of interested to go, just to see what it's all about. It's a two hour seminar with special guests and snacks and you actually write an erotic lit story by the end of it. The following is taken right off the pamphlet. I don't really understand this guy, but he seems weird and interesting.

Hi. I'm Lastins Panderlings and I am going to teach you to write erotic lit! You can do it! It's easy as this:

When writing erotic lit, be sure to pair things that aren't necessarily a team. Horse back riding and glamorous gowns. Erect penises and ketch up. Let your mind loose, don't stop. Just go far, far away from where you sit and watch as your brain unravels something sensual and left untapped, encompassed by the very depths of your souls - and loins. Be sure ending the story leaving your readers "wanting more." More on this next time.

This erotic encounter is entitled, "Mommy Temptress."

Jonto is in a rush. He smears mayonnaise on the bread. His mom walks in and catches him.

JONTO: Oh, mom! I didn't see you there.

MOM: Are you smearing mayonnaise on that loaf of bread I just bought?

JONTO: No. I was just standing here near the mayonnaise.

MOM: You have a knife in your hand that has mayonnaise on it.

JONTO: No. I mean, yeah, no I don't. (drops knife to the floor)

MOM: Jonto, you don't have to lie to me.

JONTO: Mom, I'm not lying.

MOM: Jonto, have you ever wanted to have sex with your mommy?

JONTO: Uh....

MOM: Just wondering. Listen, I have to get dinner started, you're dad is gonna be coming in the door any minute and he is going to be hungry as a horse! Can you help me?

JONTO: Sure...

MOM: OK, I'll chop the onions and you massage mommy's shoulders.

JONTO: Um, okay. (starts massaging mom's shoulders)

MOM: A little lower.

JONTO: Here? (lowers hands to mid back)

MOM: Yeah, that's good.

JONTO: Um, mom?

MOM: Yes, honey?

JONTO: What did you mean before when you said, uh, do I, uh, want to have sex with my mommy?

MOM: Oh, honey! Did that upset you?

JONTO: Kind of, it's just that, that's you....

MOM: Oh, sweetie! Come here! First, zip down my dress for me.

JONTO: OK (zips it down)

MOM: (as she's pulling herself out of it, talks to Jonto.)
Honey, sex is very natural! It's nothing to be afraid of! Everyone does it. People do it every day. Sometimes with their mommy. It's nothing to be embarrassed about, sweet heart.

JONTO: It's just that, I saw on Maury Povich and they had sex with their mom...

MOM: Who did?

JONTO: The people....

MOM: OK, then what?

JONTO: Then, everyone started yelling at them and the people were like, "You don't know me," and then they stood up angrily and stuff -

MOM: Well, honey, that's not going to happen here. This is different. I love you. I'm your mother. I'd never let anything bad happen to you.

JONTO: Uh, I know, but...

MOM: Well, why don't you think about it? (places one of Jonto's hands on her breast.)
Well? Are you thinking about it?

JONTO: (pulls hand away) It's just that, dad would probably spank me if he found out.

MOM: Honey, daddy wants you to lose your virginity.

JONTO: Do you think so?

MOM: Well, you are 31, son.

JONTO: I, yeah, well, I guess I am.

MOM: That's right. Who's my big boy?

JONTO: I am.

MOM: Good. Now, let's go take a bath.


Writing erotic lit is easy, it's fun, and it's hot. Couples love erotic lit as a way of getting themselves worked up into acceptance and forgiveness. Parents love erotic lit because it encourages their children to read and gives them beneficial specifics about sex that the parents did not want to have to discuss with their children themselves.


Joe Verb of writes:

Joe has the amazing ability to make writing seem easy, fun and weird.

Martho Wanters writes:

I am so glad I took your seminar! Thanks to you, I don't feel awkward anymore looking at myself naked in the mirror.

Beeve Brigamton, BAC TV WKSH writes:

Genius, bitter, bizarre - you have to experience Lastins seminar to understand it.

For more info about my monthly erotic lit seminars which are held in Manhattan, please e-mail me at


Monday, March 1, 2004


Just to let you all know, I am now set up to accept credit card purchases through PAY PAL! So, if you would like to buy a copy of my CD, the price is $6 plus $2 for shipping, bringing the total to $8, so, charge that shit, baby!

Simply click on the huge pink "Buy My CD" link at the top of this page (or the link in the scroll of links above.) It will take you through the steps and voila! The CD will be delivered to your mailbox within the week.

Thank you for your support of a bona fide starving New York City artist.

Dirty Folk Rock