SINGLE ON INTERSCOPE DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION

If it's too much for you to splurge on my entire "I Wanna Be Famous" album, I've got an idea -- why not just get your hands on one of the hot singles off the CD? Sure, you've heard "Magic" and "Famous" but how about a lesser known hit that takes pop by the short and curlies and gives it the what for? Enter: "I Wish I Was An Ice Queen".

It's about something many of us can relate to, and that is wishing we could turn off feelings we have for 'the wrong one'.

Check it out HERE

Happy New Year, welcome 20 double one, and let all our bygones be bygones. It's a new year and that means it's time for new thoughts, new ideas, new dreams, new magic and new newness.

If you're still looking for something fun to do, might I suggest W & B Airlines where I'll be playing a raucous music set at 230 am? wandbnyc.com

Sex Tips From Cosmo

If you need to get sex tips from Cosmopolitan Magazine, you are either 10 or in really bad mental shape. Perhaps you have been locked in a basement for the last decade of your life and are just now emerging, horny and ready to mingle. Reading Cosmo sex tips was kind of like listening to Lady Gaga's CD. It was severely disappointing and I think it gave me a little bit of brain damage. Why did I listen to it / read the sex tips, you ask? Because I'm curious to a fault.

OK! So some of the sex tips involved things like, "blow on his penis", "lick his penis with your tongue", and detailed instructions on how to masturbate a man with a circumsized penis. In all fairness, this was an issue from 2009 and hopefully we've all matured since then, but, who doesn't know by now that putting a man's thing-a-ma-jig in your mouth makes him happy? I decided, perhaps I should write my own sex tips column for people, because I've had sex once. So here goes. By the way, sadly, this is how I get most of my ideas - reading other people's attempts at them and thinking, "I could do better than that." It's a sad way to live, but I didn't ask to be born.

SEX TIPS:

1. Do not under any circumstances put any penises into anything that grinds, chops or cuts. Most men save goth types do not like this, unless afterwards you are willing to tenderly fellate them.

2. Apparently, men love having ice or food rubbed onto their penis according to Cosmo. So might I suggest baking up a nice hot dish of Linguini with Clam Sauce and leaving it in the oven so it stays warm. Get your man to close his eyes and dump the entire square of food down his pantalones. Mush it around so it really gets in there, haul his jammies down, pull out his wang and just go to town on it, mowwing it up and down like a corn on the cob, typewriter style, not stopping until you've devoured every last morsel of pasta from his groinal area. Can anyone say, sexy time?

3. Men also love having their balls played with, according to Cosmo. How about throwing your guy through a loop and dipping his boys in a cold cup of Pepsi (or Fresca if you're watching your figure) and then suck the droplets of cool soda off of them with a straw? THEY LOVE THIS! You weren't expecting that, now were ya, Pedro?

4. They say that all men would love to have a menage a trois (that's spanish for anal sex), but what self-respecting woman really wants to share her man's dingaling with one of her trampy friends (Celeste) ? Enter: solution. Help him fuck a melon. It's as simple as that. First carve a hole out of the melon, not too big or he'll think the melon is a slut. Not too small or he'll get really insulted. Put some lipstick around the hole to make it look like lips. If you have a wig, pin it to the top of the melon. Sprouts or a skein of yarn will also do in a pinch. Next time your fella is puttin' the moves on you, tell him "Hold on, big boy - I brought company." Ask him if it's OK. As soon as he says yes, which he may do cautiously to pretend like he's not into it in case you get mad, tell him to close his eyes and just put the melon hole directly onto his melon rod, like a roll of paper towels onto a paper towel holder. He won't know what hit him. Send all thank you cards to: Jessica Delfino, c/o Catholic League, NY, NY 10019.

5. Last, but not least, this one is called the old switcherroo. If you are dating a caucasian man, you will need a brown marker, and if you are dating a brown man, you won't need to do this trick. Simply tell your guy, you've always wanted to know what it would be like to have sex with an African American man. This is going to put him off at first, because he knows that by "African American man" you mean "guy with a bigger dick than you". But it's OK, he'll calm down as soon as you tell him that tonight, you're both going to pretend to be African American. Show him your vagina area, which you've pre-colored with brown marker, and then slowly, intimately color his penis with a brown marker, never breaking eye contact. Erection of his life, guaranteed. When you are finished, have sex with him. Be sure to use a Sharpie or permanent marker for best results.

Now THERE are some sex tips for ya. I'm sick of Cosmo treating us all like we have just recently discovered this thing you call schlong. Have fun and BE SAFE. Only have sex with DOCTORS.

HOW TO HELP KEEP DIRTY FOLK ROCK ALIVE FOREVER

It's been a great year together - let's make 20 double 1 even better

For a good handful of years now, I've been writing demented songs that have put smiles and / or frowns on your faces and the faces of people close to you. I've been publicly denounced by the US Catholic League, I've traveled the world and rocked your town / city / state / country. I've entertained you and horrified your parents / neighbors / religious leaders. And what an utter blast it has been.

I don't have a big powerful music label behind me supporting what I do. Everything I do is paid for by me. All the press I get - I get it for me. All the songs I write are written by me, not the hit factory or Dr. Luke. Even my CDs are designed by me, I drew that unicorn you see. I am a one woman band / business. It's a great way to live my life and I'm thrilled to be able to eat / drink and survive this way, but I do have help -- I have generous friends and fans out there who keep buying my demented CDs and egging me on.

Thank you so much for doing that. Please don't stop. Here are some ways that you can help keep dirty folk rock rocking forever, and some ways don't cost even one cent.

1. Buy CDs / mp3s. I get most of the money from any iTunes / ReverbNation / paypal sales. I love you for doing this.

2. Tell your friends about my music. Share your CDs. Send them to friends for birthdays and holidays and to soldiers in Iraq, strangers you hate, give them out to homeless people or your friends who work in entertainment. If you are a big shot, hire me to write a song for your movie or to play at your kid's bat mitzvah or to be in some TV show you're producing. I promise to be awesome.

3. If you ever see an article or piece of press about me, like it, share it through Facebook, Twitter, your blog, etc. Comment on it. Say anything at all - say there is a monkey robbing cookies out of your cabinet, I don't care. Just comment. Let the world know that people (you) are reading and paying attention when they write about me.

4. Email me and invite me to perform at shows / events that you know about. Tell me about your friends / relatives who produce / book festivals / TV shows / etc. Introduce me to them via email.

5. Donate to my PayPal in any amount - $1 or $1000. The money in my PayPal account goes directly back into my music and performing. You can do that at jess delfino at yahoo dot commmm through http://www.paypal.com/.

6. Come to my shows and bring friends.

7. Read my blog every day. Send the link to friends. "Follow" the blog. This shows bigger labels (read: people with money) that I have a following - YOU.

8. Collaborate with me - let's make a video, write a song together, try something new. This broadens the output of what we make for both of us.

9. Keep loving my dirty mouth and encouraging me -- this makes me want to write new songs for you and never stop making the world an even more deliciously twisted place.

If you do any of those things, I will be able to sing dirty delicious demented funny songs for the rest of my life, which is the goal.

Thank you a million.

PERFECT HOLIDAYS NOW ON iTUNES!!

A Merry hopefully not scary Happy Christmas and holiday season to you and yours. What are you guys gonna be for Christmas this year? A Nancy homemaker, trimming the tree and house to Martha-like perfection? A black sheep uncle, kicking the living room table over and telling everyone what you really think of them? The well-behaved college aged kid who returns home on time expecting a car in the driveway with a bow on top -- and getting it? A stoner who eats all the rum balls and passes out on top of a pile of coats in the bedroom?

All are acceptable options.

Should you need a holiday soundtrack, might I suggest, "Perfect Holidays", now available on iTunes?

In a little write up on NY Press, they said of it, "Jessica Delfino has a new album out today and it features "Christmas Idiot," which has to be our favorite new holiday song." Check out what else NY Press said about it here.

And have yourself a Merry Juana Christmas...right now.

PONGO POWER FUNNY FITNESS SHOW

What a fun show, and I like Union Hall, too. Not every venue is fun to perform in and not every venue treats performers nicely (free drinks, food discounts, good sound, competent & friendly staff) but Union Hall is definitely at the top of my BK venues list after tonight. Erzsi looked stunning in her gold halter skirt and everyone made me laugh.

If you missed the show, boooo on you, you are lazy or had something else going on. But here is a segment of my set: It's a few dieting tips to help you get into shape butt fast. Implement them or be fat.

1. Buy a digital scale that measures points like 120.8 pounds and here is the fun part: weigh yourself every few minutes to see if you’ve gained or lost any weight. Write the number down on a piece of paper and carry it with you, charting your points of pounds over the course of the day.

2. Tell people you are on a diet so that people know and can refrain from sharing their chocolate and cake with you. It’s not enough to simply say, “I’m on a diet”, you have to yell it out really loudly for everyone to hear, for example, at a restaurant or Bat Mitzvah. That way people can feel insecure about not being as healthy as you and you can feel like you’re taking control of your weight.

3. Drink 8 gallons of water every day. Some people say to drink 8 glasses, but these people are total wooses. Not only will you gain weight just from lifting a gallon up to your mouth all the time, but you’ll be drinking so much water your stomach will break, and it’s hard to eat with a broken stomach, and it’s hard to gain weight if you can’t eat.

4. Have a red flag weight: When you do the three items above, melting off virtually hundreds of pounds in only a matter of weeks, you will love your new thin self so much that you will want to stay thin forever. That is why you have to have a red flag – a weight that you pick that will set you into diet mode high alert. What’s your red flag weight? Mine is 96 pounds.

Visit Erzsi's Pongo Power.com or her fitness center by the same name located in Park Slope and ask her about getting your rotund rear into shape.

***Oh, and where can you see me next? Great question. Pop into Otto's Shrunken Head THIS SAT 6 pm - 10 pm and snag a few of my home-made tampon ornaments ($5) or demented holiday cards ($3). I may even sing a few songs for you (free).***

NEXT DELFINO APPEARANCE:

Thurs. 12/16 - Funny Fitness

Pongo Power presents: Funny Fitness

Tomorrow (Thursday) Dec. 16 @ 8:30 PM

Union Hall

702 Union St.

Erzsi Pongo hosts an eclectic collection of comedians in Park Slope such as Victor Varnado, Ben Lerman, Liam McEneaney and Claudia Cogan. Erzsi who has a background in comedy and performed around NYC for several years took her knowledge and love of fitness and opened her own fitness center in Park Slope called Pongo Power. Her business savvy and independence inspire and motivate me. She's a sweet gal and she knows how to work and play hard hard hard. And she's wicked buff, too.

So come to the show, n' shit.

Facebook Invite

Buy Tickets

Erzsi's Website / Pongo Power

TONIGHT

Bowery Pop Up Store opens 6 PM +

BTK Band set @ 9 PM

It's another busy night in Delfino land where there is no rest for the retarded. I clearly take on too much but I feel that is why I'm in NYC. When I'm old and decrepit I can look back on these days and hopefully not kick myself for not spending more time with my family or whatever.

6 PM: BPC's cafe is being turned into a makeshift holiday pop up shop. Come buy some indie hand crafted holiday goods including jewelry, cards, ornaments, shrines and more, all home made. Also, enjoy the art opening with works by Sam Jablon. If you have crafts to sell, please get in touch asap. jess delfino at yahoo dot commmm. For more info about the pop up shop, visit www.craftermathnyc.blogspot.com.

9 PM: While the BPC pop up shop will go until at least 8 PM, to be followed by Bingo, and possibly stay open into the weee hours (midnight), I'll head over to Under St. Marks to do a nice leisurely demented song set with BTK band. Come join the merry. They combine storytelling, improvisation and live music, so that's guaranteed to be nifty.

This is funny - I'm filming a segment for Bravo TV today with one of the Real Housewives. I'll let you know how it goes.

See you after a while, crocodiles.

THIS SUNDAY

The Continuing Story of Carla Rhodes

with special guest: ME

@ Arlene's Grocery, 8 PM

and BUSHWICK BAZAAR in Bushwick, Brooklyn

3 PM

If you haven't seen "The Continuing Story of Carla Rhodes" yet, get your booty out the door and check it out this Sunday. It's a great show full of puppetry, full band-itry and drinkery. Arrive early or stand in the back! I'll do a small piece in Carla's show at 8 PM and then do a whole solo set later at 9 PM. I hope to see your (smiling, frowning or otherwise) face there.

For some early afternoon fun, head over to Bushwick Bazaar. What is it, you ask? Well let me elaborate with the creator's own scribe (NOTE: FREE BEER). Also, I will be doing tarot readings and may sing some songs.

On Sunday December 12 at 3pm, the BUSHWICK BAZZAR will be riddled with this and that; cool people, art, crafts, local food, FREE BEER, and evening musical and comedy performances. You can also get your tarot read and maybe find out what your life's been missing...

BUSHWICK BAZAAR is located at 1342 Dekalb, near the intersection of Dekalb/Central/Myrtle (The Devils Palm) - it's a brand new space that needs to be filled with creators, creatives, performers and teachers.

Do me a quick favor...

People write to me all the time, asking me, "When are you coming to Florida / LA / Georgia / Iowa / Austin / New Hampshire / Chicago / MY TOWN?"

Great question! And thanks for the ego boosting emails! But for realz, do you want me to totes come to your city this year? Then fill out this questionnaire and email the results to: survey@lilithfair.com. I've made some suggestions for you below, in parenthesis. If you do this in high enough numbers and with enough zeal and enthusiasm, you will be rewarded for your hard work by seeing me in YOUR CITY in 2011. Please do this asap! Today! It will take you 3 minutes and it will make me really happy. Thank you.

1) Who was your favorite headliner on Lilith 2010? (Whatever you want to write)

2) Which artist would you like to see headline Lilith 2011? (What ever you want to write)

3) What other Artists would you like to see on the Lilith 2011 line-up? (JESSICA DELFINO)

4) What cities and venues should Lilith visit in 2011? (Please suggest both) (YOUR CITY)

Don't forget...

THIS WEDNESDAY 12/8:

artwork by MollyButterfoss.com. Thanks Molly!

I don't mean to brag but...

Pee Wee Herman and David Cross in the same weekend. No, not a threesome, a weekend full of visual delight. (I just watched.) I even ran into Craig Baldo at Pee Wee's show, which as far as I'm concerned was *almost* as good as seeing Pee Wee himself. Pee Wee, I cancelled a show to hang with you! Thank you Lauren Oppelt, you're the greatest dresser EVER.

At the end of Pee Wee's show, he tossed his ring DIRECTLY to ME. It went INTO my hand and then bounced delicately out and onto the floor, where an elderly silver fox lady picked it up like it'd landed there for her. It was MINE salt n' pepa! MINE! She refused to make eye contact as she slid it onto her aging finger. FUCK ME. I watched her walk away all self-satisfied. Part of me wanted to say, "Excuse me -- do the right thing woman and GIVE THAT RING BACK!" But instead I let her walk away with it. Later, my friend gave me one of Pee Wee's rings, but it was not the ring I caught that was later lifted. It wasn't the one, son.

And then tonight (Sunday) Bowery Poetry Club hosted David Cross, Fred Armisen, Kristen Schaal, Amber Tamblyn, Sarah Vowell and others for Bowery does Poetry does Comedy. It was a great time and the cheese was extra stinky. For anyone who's eagerly prepared to dis BPC, stick it in your pipe, you schmoe. Bowery is an awesome venue and I'm so glad to be a part of it. It's one of the few venues who eagerly lets me sing songs about vaginas and anything else I want to eagerly sing about.

Well, tomorrow is Monday, you know what that means - back to the grind. See you all there.

PS - Listen - if you are David Sonenberg, CALL ME. We have to TALK.

Don't Be A Christmas Idiot This Year

As is tradition, many people put up Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving, and as is per tradition, this is generally when houses, or in this case and also this case, mobile homes start catching on fire. Don't do that! Don't light your house on fire this Christmas. If for some reason, your loved one accidentally burns the house down this year, the song below is for you.

As much as anyone who loses their home this way during the holidays must be glad to be alive and safe, part of them must want to just look at the person responsible and yell, "You ass-tard, all of our possessions are gone!" And that is why I wrote this song.

You can find this jam on PERFECT HOLIDAYS is out now - you can order your copy by emailing $10 (shipped in the US, $15 shipped anywhere else) to me at jess delfino at yahoo dot com, through paypal.com.

NICE JESSICA, meet NAUGHTY JESSICA

This is the artwork on the CD donated by a terrific photographer who wishes to remain nameless because he is working in America W.O.P. and is being hunted by the CIA, the KGB and his parents. JK JK lol lol

Enjoy! And don't forget to get your signed, numbered copy (only 100 made and over half are gone) of Perfect Holidays by sending $10 to jessdelfino at yahoo dot com HERE. ($15 shipped anywhere outside of the USA) And if you're itchin for some JD tonight, Thursday Dec. 2 (that's me), stop by Upright Citizen's Brigade around 6:30 PM and for $5, catch me (and a bunch of other fun people) singing all ethnically in Jena Friedman's "Refugee Girls".