Holiday Fun!



Tis the season for corporate Christmas parties! As far as work place parties go, I'd have to say that comedy venue holiday parties are as good as it gets when it comes to places that you work at that have parties.



Sure, all work place parties are pretty much the same - free food, free booze, upped opportunities to bang that person, who, any other time of the year, it'd be straight up not possible. Thank Jesus for crippling seasonal depression!



I went to a fun party this week at the fabulous mid-town venue, Ars Nova. What a sweet spot that place is! Besides the fact that they treat their performers the way performers (much less human beings) should be treated, (take a note all you shit hole comedy clubs!) the venue itself is beautiful.


Rebecca Drysdale duets with her tit

The party was a great time, with tons of free booze and hot, tasty food, a very bizarre show to watch while woofing down cupload after cupload of top shelf liquor, in the theme of a Winter Prom.



There were perfomers of all ilk; comedians, musicians, burlesquies, and Nellie McKay, whom I love, headlined with two of her hits. Also, I was surprised to see so many trannies. I fit right in, as I was dressed like a gay man, which is my preferred way to dress. I found my fashion soul mate in Kurt Braunohler.


Love lifted us up to where we belonged

A good time was had by all.

A BUTTLOAD OF NEWS in DELFINO LAND!

Dame Darcy, my favorite witch princess, has just finished up her bi-coastal tour with her absolutely awesome roth-electonic (rock + goth = roth) band, "Death By Doll". While she was in NYC, my side-project freak-out histrionic fear-metal quartet, "Haunted Pussy" played with Death By Doll, The Bellmer Dolls and Michael Portnoy at Tonic. Here is her review of the show, sent out in a mass-email:


The Dame

NEW YORK! NEW YORK! Ahhh where to begin! How much do I love thee let me
count the ways
1) Bellmer dolls , you are sooo sweet and it was so nice of you to let DXD
use your practice space.
always the hottest ever (in the male catigory) on the east coast!
2) Michael Portnoi weird and inspiring as usual!
3) And HAUNTED PUSSY!!! I wish I was the master off all the unicorn kingdom,
for if I was, I would give it all and throw the ice cream castle in too for
the lovley, magical, and talented Jessica Delfino! I know I am giving the
impression that this is what Haunted Pussy is about, but Oh to the
contrairy!It is about a young girl who gets locked in her haunted house and
abandoned by her parents where she continues to be raped by ghosts. However, this haunting tale is VERY interpretive, so you'll have to find more details about the mystery for yourself! Jessica's costumes are simply to die for, and that vocal range!
WOW!


Bilge Baron In The Haunted Pussy

You can read more about Dame Darcy and her new book, the illustrated Jane Eyre, at www.damedarcy.com


And you can read more about operatic tone-poem Haunted Pussy at www.hauntedpussy.com

Or visit us on Myspace at: www.myspace.com/hauntedpu55y
(we had to change the S's in "pussy" to 5's because Myspace hates women's bodies)

IN OTHER NOT-SO-SCARY NEWS:

LITTLE BUILDING, the play by Nick Jones that little old me, Jessica Delfino, played a mystical airport in, made the NY TIMES this past Sunday (yesterday). You can read the article HERE



LITTLE BUILDING is back at the end of January. Check back here for more details.

I'm gearing up for my mini Merry Shitmas tour, beginning with the kick-off show in NYC.

Merry Shitmas!
43 E. 7th St. (downstairs)
7:30 PM bizarre holiday bazaar featuring food and treats. This is a place to bag those neat little thingies to give to people that will really make your gift selections stand out. Give gifts that make people say, "oh...wow!" and "hmmmm!" and "where the hell did you get this?" I won't give away the surprises, you'll just have to come to see them. Price range $20 and less.

8 PM - 9 PM sharp - show featuring Christmassy delights The Secular Voices of Heaven's Horizon, Mormon Surprise is Mormon Delicious (Mike Amato) singing a holiday hymn, a visit from a relative bearing gifts for the audience, Jessica Delfino's brand of holiday cheer, and more. A swift, sassy show!

And then to DC, North Carolina and Florida...


A still shot from a secret project...ssshhhhh! More info to come!

La Superette

Come buy my hand-sewn reusable maxi pads and other artists great awesome home-made art in this eco-friendly bizarre holiday bazaar. Other events also, such as live music & video, performances with hand-made/hacked gear, food, drinks, workshops and fun, as part of Eyebeam's "holiday hackshop".

Saturday, December 9th
12 noon - 10 pm
@
Eyebeam
540 W. 21st St. bet. 10th and 11th Sts.
www.eyebeam.org
www.lasuperette.org

*If you can't make La Superette, I also sell my home-made maxi pads by appointment in the Lower East Side. Email jessdelfino@yahoo.com for more information.


My hand-made "planetary napkins" $5 each
Made with love (oh, and old tee-shirts)

TONIGHT:

Decembers with Delfino @

No Name Comedy Variety Show
7:30 PM
FREE

Mo Pitkins
34 Ave A bt. 2nd / 3rd Sts
(Upstairs in Sadie's Lounge)

with Claudia Gross, Carolann Valentino, Dan Fishback and others...

AND STARTING DEC. 18th - It's the Merry Shitmas Tour!

GETTING WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE

A guy wrote me an email from Illinois. He said he was giving thought to coming to my show, and then decided not to come. He told me he lived out in the middle of Illinois. Well, what was he doing on my email list, I wondered? Did he see me perform in Illinois? Did he live in NYC and then move out? Who really gives a crap? Why do I waste my time wondering such stupid thoughts? I must be stupid. I must be a real ass faced hag. I've wasted my life with ass faced hag thoughts!

The correspondence between me and said stranger really opened a lot of thought capsules up in my mind. I realized - I am a woman with questions. And I want answers! No - I demand answers! But then I decided I really don't demand anything. Barely anything at all.

But there are a few things I'd like in this world. I'd like to understand what makes men ticks. Did I say ticks? I meant dicks. What makes men dicks. I'd also like a car that runs on candy or gum. Or air. I'd like a car that runs on air. I'd like my cellphone to not give me brain cancer. I feel the brain cancer growing. It calls me sometimes on my cellphone, just to mock me. I'd like to find that missing shoe that matches the other one that I have. Where is it? Where? I've looked everywhere. I've looked here and there, up and down, right and left. Where is left to look? Nope. I bet I already looked there.

I have a coat that keeps me warm, finally, so I can check that off the list.

But you don't get what you want in life by sitting around and waiting for it to come to you, now, do you? That's not what life is all about.

It's 12:01. I'd like some lunch. You know what? I'm gonna go out there and GET me some lunch! I'm gonna get it!



Above: A hot lunch, sits, ready to enter my ass face

CH CH CH CH CHANGES...

Wow. Did you see that shit when I tried to sign into my account? I saw it. Blogger offers a new, updated version of Blogger, and not too incredibly obviously, I might add. From my experience, it almost seemed like it was trying to sneak me onto the new version. And interestingly, you have to have a Google account to get the new blog.

Google - you all know how I feel about Google. And if you don't know, I'll tell you again. Google's Myspace took "My Pussy Is Magic" off the internet. One day after Google bought Myspace.

Need I remind anyone that the makers of Google were also made by vaginas?

I have a bad feeling about this. If Google bought Blogger, you can all say good bye to Jessy Delfino's blog. You saw what they did to my video. The new, updated Blogger asks you to sign a new form, accepting an agreement that surely demands that slang words for "vagina" never be used again!

In other related observations, I have noticed that other parts of the world are getting less sensitive, and gaining maturity. Jay Leno's monologue is getting riskier and riskier, now with jokes about being raped by Shamu. Rape jokes on a late night talk show? Impressive! And the NY-based METRO newspaper recently talked about the Britney Spears incident, using the word, "cooch". Cooch? Advanced! In very recent past years, it would have been "private area" or "unmentionables" or some other vague description of what is, oh, only the most important part of all of life and humanity, creator and destroyer of all that is good and evil - that's right - the vagina!

Say it with me at home - va - gi (pronounced j-eye) - na.

The world is at once advancing, and slowing down; a see-saw of yin and yang; a metaphor, quicksand surrounded by rapids, poisonous Tylenol, dogs and cats, living together.

Google, Blogger, you bitches better catch up! Or you shall find yourselves in a pile of space dust. I will not wait for you!



Above: Google, Blogger, tied together, an eternal web of space dust, left behind by advancements in humanity. See you in hell, space fuckers!

TONITE

Friday, Dec. 1st @ 7:30 PM

No Name Comedy/Variety show presents:
"December with Delfino"

featuring: Mike Amato, Eric Vetter, Magic Brian
Sister Jan's home baked goodies and crappy door prizes
Hosted by me, Jessica Delfino

Mo Pitkins
34 Ave A

FREE!

WEIRD GIFTS

Maybe it has something to do with the songs I sing, but I get lots of strange gifts from my friends.



...like a solid milk chocolate bird...



...a plastic toy pop-singing stick figure...



...beta...



...a stress tit...



...and my favorite one so far...from Japan...



...a magical singing poo...

It's like a regular Spencer's Gifts in here. But normal gifts would never do. Thanks for the chocolate turkeys, squeezable boobs and singing shits, friends.

Phrases that will live in infamy

They forgot "My Pussy Is Magic".



from ASSOCIATED PRESS:

Sometimes it takes only a word, or just a few, to become immortalized in television history.

The TV Land cable network has compiled a list of the 100 greatest catchphrases in TV, from the serious - Walter Cronkite's nightly signoff "And that's the way it is" - to the silly: "We are two wild and crazy guys!"

The network will air a countdown special, "The 100 Greatest TV Quotes & Catch Phrases," over five days starting Dec. 11.

"We have found that television is such a huge part of baby boomers' DNA that it makes sense that so much of America's pop culture jargon has come from TV," said Larry Jones, TV Land president.

The greatest number of moments, 26, come from the 1970s. TV Land identified nine moments from this decade. Ten are from commercials, and 28 from comedies, including six from "Saturday Night Live."

In alphabetical order, TV Land's list:

• "Aaay" (Fonzie, "Happy Days")

• "And that's the way it is" (Walter Cronkite, "CBS Evening News

• "Ask not what your country can do for you ..." (John F. Kennedy)

• "Baby, you're the greatest" (Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden, "The Honeymooners")

• "Bam!" (Emeril Lagasse, "Emeril Live")

• "Book 'em, Danno" (Steve McGarrett, "Hawaii Five-O")

• "Come on down!" (Johnny Olson, "The Price is Right")

• "Danger, Will Robinson" (Robot, "Lost in Space")

• "De plane! De plane!" (Tattoo, "Fantasy Island")

• "Denny Crane" (Denny Crane, "Boston Legal")

• "Do you believe in miracles?" (Al Michaels, 1980 Winter Olympics)

• "D'oh!" (Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons")

• "Don't make me angry ..." (David Banner, "The Incredible Hulk")

• "Dyn-o-mite" (J.J., "Good Times")

• "Elizabeth, I'm coming!" (Fred Sanford, "Sanford and Son")

• "Gee, Mrs. Cleaver ..." (Eddie Haskell, "Leave it to Beaver")

• "God'll get you for that" (Maude, "Maude")

• "Good grief" (Charlie Brown, "Peanuts" specials)

• "Good night, and good luck" (Edward R. Murrow, "See It Now")

• "Good night, John Boy" ("The Waltons")

• "Have you no sense of decency?" (Joseph Welch to Sen. McCarthy)

• "Heh heh" (Beavis and Butt-head, "Beavis and Butthead")

• "Here it is, your moment of Zen" (Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show")

• "Here's Johnny!" (Ed McMahon, "The Tonight Show")

• "Hey now!" (Hank Kingsley, "The Larry Sanders Show")

• "Hey hey hey!" (Dwayne Nelson, "What's Happening!!")

• "Hey hey hey!" (Fat Albert, "Fat Albert")

• "Holy (whatever), Batman!" (Robin, "Batman")

• "Holy crap!" (Frank Barone, "Everybody Loves Raymond")

• "Homey don't play that!" (Homey the Clown, "In Living Color")

• "How sweet it is!" (Jackie Gleason, "The Jackie Gleason Show")

• "How you doin'?" (Joey Tribbiani, "Friends")

• "I can't believe I ate the whole thing" (Alka Seltzer ad)

• "I know nothing!" (Sgt. Schultz, "Hogan's Heroes")

• "I love it when a plan comes together" (Hannibal, "The A-Team")

• "I want my MTV!" (MTV ad)

• "I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl ..." (Larry, "Newhart")

• "I'm not a crook ..." (Richard Nixon)

• "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV" (Vicks Formula 44 ad)

• "I'm Rick James, b----!" (Dave Chappelle as Rick James, "Chappelle's Show")

• "If it weren't for you meddling kids!" (Various villains, "Scooby Doo, Where Are You?")

• "Is that your final answer?" (Regis Philbin, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire")

• "It keeps going and going and going ..." (Energizer Batteries ad)

• "It takes a licking ..." (Timex ad)

• "Jane, you ignorant slut" (Dan Aykroyd to Jane Curtin, "Saturday Night Live")

• "Just one more thing ..." (Columbo, "Columbo")

• "Let's be careful out there" (Sgt. Esterhaus, "Hill Street Blues")

• "Let's get ready to rumble!" (Michael Buffer, various sports events)

• "Live long and prosper" (Spock, "Star Trek")

• "Makin' whoopie" (Bob Eubanks, "The Newlywed Game")

• "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! (Jan Brady, "The Brady Bunch")

• "Mom always liked you best" (Tommy Smothers, "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour")

• "Never assume ..." (Felix Unger, "The Odd Couple")

• "Nip it!" (Barney Fife, "The Andy Griffith Show")

• "No soup for you!" (The Soup Nazi, "Seinfeld")

• "Norm!" ("Cheers")

• "Now cut that out!" (Jack Benny, "The Jack Benny Program")

• "Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!" (Stan and Kyle, "South Park")

• "Oh, my nose!" (Marcia Brady, "The Brady Bunch")

• "One small step for man ..." (Neil Armstrong)

• "Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?" (Grey Poupon ad)

• "Read my lips: No new taxes!" (George H.W. Bush)

• "Resistance is futile" (Picard as Borg, "Star Trek: The Next Generation")

• "Say good night, Gracie" (George Burns, "The Burns & Allen Show")

• "Schwing!" (Mike Myers and Dana Carvey as Wayne and Garth, "SNL")

• "Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy" (Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle)

• "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids" (Trix cereal ad)

• "Smile, you're on "Candid Camera'" ("Candid Camera")

• "Sock it to me" ("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In")

• "Space, the final frontier ..." (Capt. Kirk, "Star Trek")

• "Stifle!" (Archie Bunker, "All in the Family")

• "Suit up!" (Barney Stinson, "How I Met Your Mother")

• "Tastes great! Less filling!" (Miller Lite beer ad)

• "Tell me what you don't like about yourself" (Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy, "Nip/Tuck")

• "That's hot" (Paris Hilton, "The Simple Life")

• "The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat" (Jim McKay, "ABC's Wide World of Sports")

• "The tribe has spoken" (Jeff Probst, "Survivor")

• "The truth is out there" (Fox Mulder, "The X-Files")

• "This is the city ..." (Sgt. Joe Friday, "Dragnet")

• "Time to make the donuts" ("Dunkin' Donuts" ad)

• "Two thumbs up" (Siskel & Ebert, "Siskel & Ebert")

• "Up your nose with a rubber hose" (Vinnie Barbarino, "Welcome Back, Kotter")

• "We are two wild and crazy guys!" (Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd as Czech playboys, "SNL")

• "Welcome to the O.C., b----" (Luke, "The O.C.")

• "Well, isn't that special?" (Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, "SNL")

• "We've got a really big show!" (Ed Sullivan, "The Ed Sullivan Show")

• "Whassup?" (Budweiser ad)

• "What you see is what you get!" (Geraldine, "The Flip Wilson Show")

• "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" (Arnold Drummond, "Diff'rent Strokes")

• "Where's the beef?" (Wendy's ad)

• "Who loves you, baby?" (Kojak, "Kojak")

• "Would you believe?" (Maxwell Smart, "Get Smart")

• "Yabba dabba do!" (Fred Flintstone, "The Flintstones")

• "Yada, yada, yada" ("Seinfeld")

• "Yeah, that's the ticket" (Jon Lovitz as the pathological liar, "SNL")

• "You eeeediot!" (Ren, "Ren & Stimpy")

• "You look mahvelous!" (Billy Crystal as Fernando, "SNL")

• "You rang?" (Lurch, "The Addams Family")

• "You're fired!" (Donald Trump, "The Apprentice")

• "You've got spunk ..." (Lou Grant, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show")

TONITE!

The last episode of Jessica Delfino Is Sorry To Disturb You!

10 PM
$5

Rififi
332 E. 11th St.
NYC

Live taping in progress tonight for international distribution, so come get your seat in this zippity zappity vehicle to worldwide stardom!

And see MY PUSSY IS MAGIC on a huge screen. If you haven't seen it on the big screen. You've never seen a vagina song until you've seen it 13 x 9.

JD is STDY: with Jessica Delfino, Mike Amato, Margaret Champagne, Sue Ball and many other special guests. Surprises galore!

TONITE

Christopher's monthly variety shows are always a very diverse, dazzling blender of delights! Come see what's cooking tonight at 8 PM. More details below...

cxb's
NIGHT OF A SHITLOAD OF STARS!

nyc's most furious and artistic variety show

TONITE: monday november 27

$5 or PAY WHAT YOU WANT!

8PM SHARP (til 10pm)

FEATURING many acts, like:

MARIO Queen Of The Circus (freddy mercury juggling??!)
HOWLING VIC (smarter broad than most burlesquers!)
ADIRA AMRAM (short film, and a song about Mortal Kombat!)
THE BITTER POET (an extra side of angst!)
JESSICA DELFINO (filthy songs and jokes)
BARRY AGIDA (motivational speech to Mahavishnu!?)
XAR! (power-goof / idiot-avant / majestic electro)
THE ODEBRA TWINS (live "gyno exam"?!)
STUCKY & MURRAY (vulgar bluegrass boys)
MORMON SURPRISE is MORMON DELICIOUS (bill cosby meets bing crosby!?)
TOUCHING YOU (rocking some of his jail power-anthems!!)
DR. STEAMWHIPPLE (gorgeous classical guitar!)
S.A.M. (post-blues smartass)
CHRISTINE (world's greatest / worst lip-syncer!)

we hope the holidays will not deter thou from coming to see some brilliant acts while the world dies slowly!

bowery poetry club
308 bowery @ bleecker/houston

TOMORROW

Come see my LAST showing of JESSICA DELFINO IS SORRY TO DISTURB YOU!

Tuesday, Nov. 28th
Rififi / Cinema Classics
332 E. 11th St.
10 PM Sharp-ish
$5

LITTLE BUILDING REVIEWED!


Read it HERE at MURPHGUIDE.COM

The last LITTLE BUILDING is this FRIDAY (two days from now), Nov. 24th
8 PM sharp
Tickets are $12 at the door or $10 at www.smarttix.com

...and go see Shockwave's cool ongoing MIXTAPE show if you can, at Ars Nova. Here's a photo from the last show, which I was in along with Carolyn Castiglia and Eliza Skinner, The Rob and Mark Show, Zero Boy and many other talented musical funny people.

PAINTED PUSSY

Do you like porn? If so, I don't think you'll like this link. But you'll think maybe it will be something you will like. Also, if you like crappy computer program art, you may enjoy this link. Thanks to my friend for sending it to me. I don't know if he wants to be linked to this link or not. Like when porn gets sent in anonymous envelopes to your home or work place. I think it is like that.

CLICK HERE FOR PORN!!!

JESSICA DELFINO IS "SORRY" TO DISTURB YOU...



Here is a short segment from last week's show. If you haven't seen my resident series show at Rififi yet, you still have TWO more chances:

TOMORROW, Tuesday, November 21st and
NEXT Tuesday, November 28th
10 PM (sharp-ish)
$5
Rififi / Cinema Classics
332 E. 11th St.

No two shows are the same! The show is called a "solo" show, but it is really no such thing. Many of my favorite comedy guests will also entertain you with surprise appearances in the show (different performers every week) playing characters through out the show. There are also short films, (including "My Pussy Is Magic" which was recently KICKED OFF THE INTERNET for being too awesome), jokes and songs; some classics and some from the never before heard Jessica Delfino vaults.

Come and join in the obscenity before obscenity is outlawed!

FUN TIME WITH PHOTOS

Delfino plays a fortune-telling airport...Can anyone say "typecast" ???

I know, I know...you are dying to see some photos from the first "Little Building" showing in Brooklyn last Friday. Well, I have magical powers, if you don't know. So, click on the link below to have your wishes answered. There are only two shows left! It's a pretty great play, even if I do say so myself, and I am in it. If you've ever seen Jollyship The Whiz-Bang and loved what they do, you may also dig this shizzy. If you've never seen them, what the hell are you doing with your life? And also, this play is kid friendly, so bring the rug rats. Last week, the show got a Voice Choice in the Village Voice and was pretty full, so advance tickets are recommended.

Friday Nov. 17th and Friday Nov. 24th
8 PM
Tickets are $12 or $10 if you get them at www.smarttix.com
Galapagos Art Space
70 N. 6th St. Williamsburg
www.galapagosartspace.com


See More Photos Here

CHUCK NORRIS JOKES

I probably shouldn't even be printing this...Chuck Norris might round house kick me in the face if he ever found out. Who wrote these jokes? And why? Also, don't forget to come to see my show tonight at Rififi at 10 PM, (332 E. 11 St.). It's different than it was last week. $5 for all that fun. And now on to the Chuck Norris jokes, sent to me by my friend Becky. There are a lot of them. I hope you have a pillow and some aspercreme.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he
gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never
cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not
because he is gay, but because he has run out of
women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper
clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard
that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in
time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying
over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down
until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always
says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds
to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck
Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck
Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his
mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video
game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every
button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked
bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no
glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse
kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck
roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't
stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck
Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by
giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the
farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal,
breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that
Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood
a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five
months later he realized the irony of this statement
and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,
Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting
them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are
hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth
Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard".
Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism,
used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted
from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer.
Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for
2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only
to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to
people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is
only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field
goal of a high school football game. When the football
went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick
the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the
uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the
stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was
actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck
Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single
show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and
Order are trademarked names for his left and right
legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does
not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather
roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before
you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a
fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck
Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates
never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine
as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red
Bull.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all
shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he
replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and
roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors
beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time?
Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away
from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.


When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a
situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead
doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are
actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the
dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the
world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck
Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so
hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the
scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he
swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse
ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at
McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked
the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely
responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he
will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a
game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by
roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can
be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just
check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life.
Never.

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one
thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it
honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his
finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.


If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of
space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is
invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and
poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time.
It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker
despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of
spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly
'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates
karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris
is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may
be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find
one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure
enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a
bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and
then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris
yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave
things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris
accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be
familiar with it to this very day by its technical
term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box
jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous
creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a
human being experiences the following symptoms: fever,
blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans,
and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a
car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens
to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the
actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that
autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation,
Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise
warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

THE PERFECT COMEDY FACE?

This is one of the weirdest reports I've ever seen. Supposedly, scientists have invented "the perfect comedy face" (?) for some reason. I barely even know what that is supposed to mean. Um...aren't scientists supposed to be curing cancer?

According to this article, "the perfect comedy face" is full of soft, feminine features. Such as this gal's:


Kristen Schaal


The article then goes on to explain that is what makes Ricky Gervais so damn funny.

Perhaps this is why Reggie Watts won the Andy Kaufman Award ($5000!) last night...



*************************************


Delfino, pictured, with her face full of soft, feminine, hilarious features, can be seen tonight at Galapagos at 8 PM in "Jolly-Ship The Whiz-Bang's new play, "Little Building".

Look at my pretty mommy...



This was back before she had any cellulite. Not that she has any now. She has the body of a jogger. And she doesn't even jog. It's amazing. It's like she's trying to show me up with her fine physique. I get it, Mom. You're hot.

In this photo, she was 18. The year was 1976. She looks a little like Janet Jackson. Steely Dan had just written the hit, "FM" for the film, "FM". Remember FM - the concept? How many of you still listen to the radio? I listen to the radio. I listen to it in the shower. I listen as I wash, and then sometimes I dance.

Jessica Delfino Is Sorry To Disturb You

My November series begins tomorrow,
TUESDAY night at 10 PM at
RIFIFI / Cinema Classics
$5

Every Tuesday in November, 10 PM
$5

Featuring special appearances by: Mike Dobbins, Ben Lerman, Geoff Haggerty of Elephant Larry, Margaret Champaigne, Michael I, Mike Amato, Daniel Michael and others.

You will see old stuff, new stuff, borrowed stuff and blue stuff. That's my promise to you. A variety of stuff. A new show every week!

WHAT TO DO FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 3rd

Hey everyone. Remember when you used to make mixed tapes? I don't remember, either. However, there is a show this Friday, November 3rd that remembers. How 'bout you swing by and simultaneously get your comedy and rock on?



ARS NOVA
511 W. 54TH (10TH/11TH)
$12
8 PM
www.arsnovanyc.com

If you are a budget minded soul, you'll appreciate this code which brings the price down from 12$ to 8$ on smarttix.com. The code is SHOCK

Click here to get your discount tickets

Tons of superb acts join together to make merry music! If from what I gather has been correctly gathered, you will hear Soce The Elemental Wizard wiz it up. (He's white and he raps! Funny!) You will see Cock Lorge unleash a monster on your ass! You will watch as Erin and her Cello go "ba domb domb domb domb don don don doop da doop doop" and shit. You will witness a Rob and a Mark! A Zero Boy! An Eliza Skinner! And the beat goes on and on and on...you're gonna shit yourself. That's a promise.