Read all about my victory at the amazing Arlene's Gong Show in that old rag, NY PRESS

Then, lucky for me and all of you, there was this other article link on the same page as the above about Tim Minchin, my only "celebrity" crush...the article wasn't too informative because the journalist made a mistake with his tape recorder so he didn't actually record the interview, but Tim Minchin should be a super star the proportions of Billy Joel within, oh, about five minutes.

And here's an art exhibit that might very well get the Catholic League's dirty panties all scrunchy and frothing: The Assassination of Barack and Hillary Due to the sensitive nature of this exhibit, on-lookers must set up appointments to see the work. Cool!

Did you miss Naughty Nautical Night at The Slipper Room? Naughty, naughty and you suck. But fret not. The next NNN is on April 3rd and that is just around the corner. This nautical themed cabaret show was hosted by myself and "Dame Darcy". Second mates wanted!! If you have a nautical themed act or just want to dress up like a sailor or a pirate, let these bitches know...

Pictured here: Stage Manager Wendi The Pirate Wench and "Dame Darcy" (Adam Lerman) get ready to practice sapphic love back stage


This strapping young med student takes a break from driving his yacht to stop in to the NNN


First (band) mate Patrick gets ready to squeak out some serious Popeye riffs for the adoring audience


Stage Manager Wendi The Pirate Wench and Dame Darcy (Adam Lerman) get ready to go backstage and practice sapphic love


See those curvaceous hips and plush thighs? Thank you, fish and chips

This photo was taken in Edinburgh Scotland. Gorgeous!! I mean me. Just kidding, I mean the rainbows!

SO MUCH NEW NEWS IN DELFINO LAND...

Where do I begin?

My lovely little video "I Wanna Be Famous", animated by Nick Fox-Gieg has been taking the children's entertainment world by storm as it is being screened in the NY International Children's Film Festival. I still can't believe it was accepted into a children's film festival. But it was screened in the "Shorts For Teens" portion of the fest, along with short films that covered lesbian and mental retardation themes. Wow! Not your mother's children's film festival, huh? The festival programmer told me that he didn't believe in playing down to children, but he did insist that during my Q & A I not play any "vagina or penis songs", not that I was going to! At the screening on Saturday Night at the Cantor Film Center, I was delighted to a cheering and applauding audience, full of adulation for "I Wanna Be Famous". After the screening, Nick and I did the Q & A for a packed audience full of children and their parents. True to my word, after telling the children that they shouldn't kill anyone til AFTER they finish school, and to never kill artists, I played two very kid-friendly songs -- "Happy Bears", a song about bears eating hippies in Vermont which I not only played in The Rachel Trachtenburg Morning Show in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival as a regular segment, but it was called "my favorite part of the show" by a journalist who gave the show 5 stars. Then, I played "Famous" again for the audience, live. The kids asked the toughest questions, such as, "If you were going to kill somebody important, who would you kill?"

Damn!

I answered, "I don't actually condone killing anyone, famous or not, but if I were to kill somebody important, it would be someone whose name rhymes with Morge Mush. Stay in school."



After the show, many kids and parents came up to greet me and buy my CD!! Kids came up and played my guitar and sang my song back to me. I think I have found a new market. Awesome!

You can find out more about the festival here:

www.gkids.com

In other news...

I went to a terrific dumpling making party on Saturday night. Mmmmmm!! Imagine -- a party where you have to make your own dinner. Brilliant! I drank too much sake and wound up going to bed drunk.

And on Sunday I had fun with NY Post photographer Nick Brooks and journalist Ben as I posed for a shoot in the subway station near my apartment and gave them my two cents on the fare hike. See me trashing the MTA in Monday or Tuesday's paper!



Sunday night I participated in The Gong Show at Arlene's Grocery, a show where performers compete for $100. And guess who won? Not me. Just kidding! Me!! It was some pretty stiff competition, literally, as hot men and women alike stripped, played guitar, did comedy and otherwise entertained the interactive audience and judges. I walked out of there with $100 in cold hard casharoni.

Finally, The Naughty Nautical Night Cabaret Show is right around the corner THIS THURSDAY, MARCH 6th at 8 PM at The Slipper Room. The show is going to be fun-filled with more entertainment than you can shake a drunken sailor at. There will be music, a short film, comedy, burlesque, go-go dancers, hot sailor boys, sea sluts, pirate wenches, sea monster making, sea snacks and treats, ocean themed debauchery, songs of the sea, DJ, dancing and crustaceans galore. Come in costume. The show starts at 9, dancing goes from midnight til 3 am. Come along and tap to the beat of the rhythm of the night on your sea legs. Dress to impress in your best aquatic gear. $5. Hosted by myself and Dame Darcy, premiere victorian witch princess of the world and illustrator of the famous "MEATCAKE" cartoon. A new show every month.

www.slipperroom.com

NAUGHTY NAUTICAL NIGHT
8 PM
SLIPPER ROOM
167 Orchard Street
Corner of Orchard and Stanton
F to 2nd Ave
$5

See you there!!!

FUN NEW VIDEO!!

THE BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE

Now this is the kind of sofa I'd like to rest my weary bones on / in after a long day of singing songs about vaginas...

WOW

While you're reading this, read this:

TONITE YOU CAN SEE ME HERE AND HERE:

Shecky Beagleman's Comedy Show
@ NY Comedy Club
I'll be going on first
8 PM

and

JULEP
Ave A between 1st and 2nd Sts
I'll be going on last
8:30 PM

Feb. 5, 2007

HOW I GOT MY BLOG BACK...

I have no idea. It was taken away from me recently as Google did an investigation into whether or not a real person wrote this blog. That raises a few questions about who I am and shit, what I'm doing with my life, bla, bla bla. Ahem.

Anyway, lots of stuff is new and exciting over here in Delfinoland. I have some shows and events coming up commemorating and celebrating my profession -- in a way.

DELFINO'S DECREASED DIATRIBE

ON Tuesday, Jan 5th:

You can see CHECKERBOARD KIDS, a TV show on public access channel 34 (Manhattan Neighborhood Network, MNN) starring dramatic acrobatic funny person Rosie Rebel, political gadfly and world's greatest human of all time CXB and myself, dirty ditty singing, joke telling lady girl. In this episode, I play my flying V pink ukelele and sing about BOYS. On at MIDNIGHT.

On Wed., Feb 6th:

Come to Shecky Beagleman's show at 8 PM. She's funny. She reminds me of a wrestler from the midwest who moved to NYC to start doing comedy. I'm in it. I'll have something special up my sleeve. NY Comedy Club, 24th St. between 2nd and 3rd Aves. NYC

On Friday, Feb 8th:

Cock Lorge will loom large at Piano's. He will be joined my me singing my dirty folk rock ditties (some new ones, too!) and other people who are worth watching. 7:30 PM

Saturday, Feb. 9th:

Slightly Known People's long running Rififi show is in limbo right now. Come see what could be one of the last episodes at Rififi before that joint goes the way of the historic tug boat. Remember that tug boat? No, right? Because it's gone. 8 PM With me and others and free booze for you provided by the fellas.

Tues., Feb 12:

CINEKINK at Pioneer Theater will show you a bunch of ribald videos including some numbers by Annie Sprinkle, and oh, one by Jessica Delfino. Cinekink.com/pioneer

See a little Flavorpill blurb about the show HERE

Screening:
Two Boots Pioneer Theater
155 E. Third Street (@ Avenue A), NYC
212.591.0434

After-Cocktails:
China 1
50 Avenue B (@ 4th Street), NYC

And Alexis Barad's quirky reading show is at Rapture Cafe on Tuesday the 12th as well. I'll be dropping by for a later set around 9 PM though the show starts at 7 PM and gets packed so you should get there on time for peter's sake.

Friday, Feb. 15th:

Family Hour with Auntie Sara at Ochi's Lounge -- I have a lot of faith in this show. Come and cheer on my first appearance in Family Hour. Comix is your typical two drink minimum comedy club but I think that this night is a little different, a little cozier, a little better. Think back to the days of Mo Pitkins. Remember that place?
8 PM

Sat. March 1st:

NY International Children's Film Festival screens the first official US festival premiere of "I Wanna Be Famous", written by me, animated by Nick Fox-Gieg, seen by nearly a million viewers on the wide web world. 5 PM followed by a Q & A with the filmmmmmmakers. Visit www.gkids.com for more info.

Thursday, March 6th:

Dame Darcy and I are starting a new weekly show at The Slipper Room. This nautical themed cabaret / variety type show and all night party might very well become your Thursday night hang out. Darcy used to have a show at The Slipper Room five years ago before LA engulfed her. But it spit her back out and now here the victorian witch comic book illustrator is again. DameDarcy.com 8 PM doors, 9 PM show, MIDNIGHT dancing and debauchery til the place shuts down.

Here are a few photos of ECNY's Award Ceremony on Jan. 28th taken by Rachel Kramer Bussel. Fun!



Go see Rachel's sex stories reading show at Happy Ending some time. It's a lot of fun and there are free treats. And that's about it for now.

HOLIDAY FUN TIMES AHEAD

TOMORROW NIGHT AT UCB:

HOLIDAY DAZZLES WITH YULE LOG!

Featuring:

Ann Carr & Adira Amram as Randy the Red Balled Reindeer and Square Snowman! (obviously, not to be missed) Carolyn Castiglia, Matt McCarthy, Katina Corrao perform O Holy Night! (in their own special way) Matt McCarthy as Good Old Santa Claus!

Glennis, Eliza, Shockwave create musical magic!
Red Hot Funny Lady Jessica Delfino!
Neo-Futurists!

THIS Friday night! 8 pm! $5!

UCB Theatre * 307 W. 26th St (at 8th Ave)




AND STARTING FRIDAY:



CEST DUCKIE!!!

NO NAME & A BAG OF CHIPS!!!

TONITE!!

@

THE TANK
(279 Church St. NYC)

7:30 PM

FREE...

lots of performers, free door prizes, cheap booze, fun times

See you there

JESSICA DELFINO WORLD PREMIERE NEW SONGS!!!!

These are some ROUGH DEMOS which will be on my new CD out on Loudmouth Records, 2008.
When you're done checking them out, visit the rest of the website by my creative french friend and fan, Florent. Please keep in mind that these are ROUGH DEMOS and that means that these are PRE-STUDIO, that means they were crappily recorded by me in my home studio so I could SHOW them to the label so that they would be able to hear my idea of the song. On the CD we're gonna mix a little bit of magic in there you're going to shake and quake with amazement.

Here is proof that I'm actually working on my new CD - see me toiling diligently in the Loudmouth Studio?



It's not just bullshit. I'm actually WORKING on this CD! For you!

HEAR ROUGH DEMOS HERE

VISIT THE REST OF MY WEBSITE, jessicadelfino.com HERE

And to read about my tour with Ben Lerman, visit his website HERE!



We had lots of fun on the road, and he documented the trip with great photos of us and our adventures and the adjoining stories right on the FRONT PAGE of his site. That kid's got his shit together!



For the record, Nashville, (that mean, cranky city full of mean, religious gays who think that god loves them when he does not) can kiss my ass!



AND DON'T FORGET TO COME AND SEE THE BIG VAGINAPALOOZA SHOW!!!

featuring:
Adira Amram - www.adiraamram.com
Gina Vetro - myspace.com/ginavetro
Magin Schantz - myspace.com/hotbloodproductions
Dame Darcy - www.damedarcy.com
and me! - myspace.com/jessydelfino

VAGINAPALOOZA is part of Groove MaMa Ink’s Wonder Women Week
All shows are at:
Center Stage
48 West 21st Street (4th floor)
New York, NY
$15

We've got a great show in store for you, so do try to get your ass out to see it!

DO YOU LIKE WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK??

I do. I've spent lots of time in that park, bull-shitting around, busking (that's -- playing my guitar for passer's change), hanging out with friends, people watching, lounging, snacking, drinking in the grass, kissing boys, or I guess more accurately, boy, watching parades and events, oogling over NYU gents, watching performances and in general, basking in the beauty and the history that is Washington Square Park.

Some big changes are about to be made to the park that are going to render it incapacitated for many years. My friend Matt Davis, who produced my "My Pussy Is Magic" video has been documenting the Washington Square Park hearings and related ordeal and has spent a lot of time researching the m.o. and meaning of the remodeling of the park.

Apparently, if you're interested in getting involved with keeping the park the way it is, this may be your last chance. Read on if you are and / or watch this video clip:

Youtube Video Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJrUyRqWcvw

From an email from Matt Davis:

The Parks Dept. is erecting a construction fence, about to have its way with Washington Square Park. In order to achieve a new alignment with Fifth Ave., they will move the fountain (and surrounding plaza) 22 feet east of the park's central axis, where it has stood for 138 years.

Whatever the motive for this aerial symmetry, effects felt on the ground will include:

1) Closing at least half of the park for years to come, beginning with the Fountain Theater,

2) Erasing the amphitheatre aspect of the plaza, and reducing it more than 20%, crowding park users and performers into one another, or out of the soon-to-be street-level pedestrian passage.

and

3) Cutting down the ring of 8 mature shade trees, replacing them with trees of six inch diameter ... not even as thick as many of the existing trees' branches.

But the outcome is not decided. Read the newest developments below, and if you want to hold your public officials to their word, let them know you're paying attention by phoning them.

BEGIN FORWARDED MESSAGE:

Concerned New Yorkers Please Call TODAY--and spread the word:

Comptroller William: Thompson 212-669-3450

Council Member Alan Gerson: 212-788-7722

Council Speaker Christine Quinn Grey Elam and Kate Seely-Kirk 212-564-7757

Just as the Parks Dept begins construction on the unpopular redesign of Wash Sq Park, a new study by the top building conservation authority in New York, posted at www.openwsp.com, concludes that Parks Commissioner Adrian Benepe deceived the New York City Council when he stated, in Council budget hearings, that it would cost no more to move the park?s historic fountain than to keep it where it is.

In fact, the study, by the prestigious Building Conservation Association (more info about them at http://www.bcausa.com/portfolio.htm) concludes, it will cost taxpayers an additional $508,000 to move the fountain.

The operative paragraph of the study is on the Executive summary, second page (after title page) last paragraph. The study shows that $508,000 of the $2,500,000 total cost of restoring the fountain is associated with moving the fountain, not repairing and restoring it. This has to do with demolishing the perfectly good existing foundation and building a new one, as well as unnecessarily moving every piece of the fountain offsite.

In a letter to Parks Commissioner Adrian Benepe dated August 6, 2007 (also on www.openwsp.com), City Council Speaker Christine Quinn and Council Member Alan Gerson's wrote:

"We expect to see the documents after bids are received to confirm that there is no more than a negligible cost to moving the fountain. In the meantime, we will hold you to your City Council testimony dated June 6, 2006 (see attached) that there is no significant cost differential. Should it be otherwise we would oppose moving the fountain."

To this day, the Parks Department has refused to provide any documents pertaining to its deceptive claim, which was used to secure city funding for this project.

As a result, the Open Washington Square Park Coalition calls upon Comptroller William Thompson to investigate the deliberate misrepresentation with which the Parks Dept received taxpayer funding for this unpopular redesign scheme for Washington Square Park and to use the subpoena powers of his office to investigate a suspicious pattern of circumstances which have led Parks Commissioner Adrian Benepe and his subordinates to repeatedly deceive the New York City Council, the Community Board, and the public.

In addition, we call upon New York City Council Speaker Christine Quinn and Council Member Alan Gerson to stand behind their public letter of August 6, 2007 to Parks Commissioner Adrian Benepe, and withhold capital funding for the Parks Department until it is willing to disclose and submit for approval a true budget and plan for Washington Square Park.

NEW VIDEO!!

This video is made for my song, "SUDDEN CHANGE" and is by ELIJAH ATKINS.

Please give me some feedback on this, friends, fans, foes...!



And if you are an animator and think you can do better or want to try to do your own song, let me know. I have lots of songs that need animating! Email me at jessdelfino at yahoo dot com for more details.

CAN YOU PASS THE PODCAST?

Sure, no problem.

This is a podcast with NYTHEATER.COM featuring Groovemama's Kara Tyler, Bricken Sparacino, Samantha Jones and me, Jessica Delfino, talking about the upcoming WONDER WOMEN WEEK and my special night in the festival, entitled VAGINAPALOOZA.

Check it out! My piece is towards the 3/4 mark and features me playing a new song on my flying V ukelele (or the V-kelele).

HERE IS THE POD CAST LINK

DON'T FORGET TO ATTEND VAGINAPALOOZA
and the other shows of Wonder Women Week
DEC 15th
9:30 PM
$15

with Adira Amram
Dame Darcy
Gina Vetro
Magin Schantz
Jessica Delfino

HOT! AWESOME! GREAT! BABES! TALENT! WIZARDRY! SUPER!

And if you are a beautiful woman and / or you have a full, unopened bottle of booze with you (that's the price of admission according to the host), we will bring you to an amazing party afterwards.

A COUPLE FUN MUSIC VIDEOS FOR YOUR ASSES

Slightly Buzzed, a new show at Rififi with Stuckey & Murray and John Friedman has this accompanying "Name Dropping" video featuring tons of notables from the NYC comedy scene -- and also "name drops" CXB which I think is...(this sentence is unfinishable)

Enjoy!



And...

Here's another great video which I always love to watch, featuring Sweet D, one of my favies. He's funny, he's cute, and apparently, he has so much "booty on his tip" he has to "regulate" it...This video is seriously high end, as is Jason "Sweet D" Muhlberger. Hot! Hot! Hot! A perennial summer jam!

EXCITING NEWS!!



"What Would Jesus Buy?" featuring Reverend Billy and The Stop Shopping Choir, produced by "Super Size Me"'s Morgan Spurlock is now OUT! You can see it at many theaters across the US. To learn more, visit the WHAT WOULD JESUS BUY WEBSITE. And this is pretty exciting: the lyrics to the songs in the caroling scene were penned by one Ms. Jessica Delfino!

Here's a video segment from WGN morning news show featuring a brief clip of a song from said caroling scene and an interview with Reverend Billy in all his glory. The song they used here isn't one of my faves, I mean, it's no "Walmart You A Macy's Christmas (& A K-Mart New Year") but I'm pretty excited by this, just the same.



Go see this movie! In addition to being very funny and inspiring, you seeing this film helps me to not have to eat government cheese. I mean, don't get me wrong. Mmmm! Government cheese! But, uh, I'd rather not eat it if I don't have to.

Delfino is headed to mainstreamsville! Just kidding, that will never happen. There are too many vaginas in my songs. Come see for yourself. Your next chance is December 15th, 10 PM in NYC:

VAGINAPALOOZA

featuring:
Adira Amram - www.adiraamram.com
Gina Vetro - myspace.com/ginavetro
Magin Schantz - myspace.com/hotbloodproductions
Dame Darcy - www.damedarcy.com
and me! - myspace.com/jessydelfino

VAGINAPALOOZA is part of Groove MaMa Ink’s Wonder Women Week
All shows are at:
Center Stage
48 West 21st Street (4th floor)
New York, NY
$15

This isn't going to just be some "women's comedy show", it's going to be an awesome show. I hand-picked every person on this bill and they are all so fucking hot and talented that I just used fucking as an adjective.

Wonder Women Week shows run Dec. 11th - 17th!

For more info, visit: www.groovemamaink.com

I'M NOT THE ONLY SINGING DELFINO OUT THERE

Check out THIS guy!!! He's my new hero.

MAKING UP WITH MAC

I went to art school in Philadelphia. I studied computer animation. At the time, Macintosh computers were all the rage for animation purposes. I liked Macs. They were cool. They were different than the clunky, calculator looking PCs. Unfortunately, they also caused a lot of problems for me. Hours and hours of work lost; classes failed; files corrupted. It happened over and over again. I swore off Macs one cold day in January when I tried to open a very important file for a final I had and all I got was a blinking smiley computer for about an hour on three different computers. Never again, I said, will I use a Mac. Macs can go fuck themselves. Hard. Roughly. With no protection. I hoped Macs everywhere got AIDS.

Not to mention, Mac reminds me of McDonald's, a horrible corporation I swore off a dozen years before Super Size Me. I hope McDonald's also gets AIDS, for different, but in some ways, similar reasons.

So, it's pretty interesting that I'm sitting here typing away on a new MacBook. It's one of those white jobbies that looks like a delicious bar of soap -- or maybe white chocolate -- you can't tell by looking at it, you have to smell it and maybe even break a chunk off into your fingernail and take a risk and taste it. Mmmmm. Chocolate flavored soap.

Using this computer is like driving a BMW -- I would know -- I've taken one for a test drive. It rides smoothly, this little box. It purrs so silently, I keep having to check it's heartbeat to make sure it's alive.

But I shouldn't get too excited yet.

You know how it is when you get a new love. At first, it's all cherry blossoms and down comforters. Everything is a lemon popsicle, lace trimmings are abound. You could just stare at each other for hours, though you never do. But slowly, things start to get weird. You start noticing things. And that's when the trouble starts. So, I'm going to really to just enjoy this time when everything is new and sparkly, where I still love the whiteness and everything is clean and friendly.

Mac, I'm sorry for hating you so hard. I forgive you for that "F" I got. Let's have a new go at it and see how long this friendship lasts!

ANOTHER VERY SPECIAL PUSSY

This is what I've become. That girl who blogs about cats. But this cat is worth mentioning. First of all, I am a serious cat lady. I had cats my whole life. I have seen them be born, die, and everything in between. My first cat, Rags, got hit by a car right before my very ten year old eyes. My last cat, Clementine, a descendant of Rags, lived to be 24. I don't have a cat now because my apartment is too small and I'm never home. But if I did have a cat, I'd get one of those asshole pet purses and stick that thing in it and carry it around with me everywhere I went. And I'd put it in my act. It seems appropriate.

This morning, I got treated to this adorable video of a very cute, friendly, obedient, awesome indy yuppie kitty named "Furgazi". I watched it three times in a row and laughed every time. Read the little blurb first, it sets up the video really nicely.

It makes me want to get a kitty and find a space in my tiny, crammed apartment to fit it. But I love kitties too much to do that. Maybe I'll just settle for a baby instead.

Now, treat yourself!

A short story about Furgazi: (as featured in Wooooo Mag's "Cat Of The Week")

http://www.wooooomag.com/

And the video:

http://www.wooooomag.net/fugazi.mov

SAMPLE SALE

My friend Sine has a great sample sale in TriBeCa. The clothes she sells are so beautiful. I wear a lot of them on stage and her designs are some of my favorite articles of clothing. They are the ones that I get the most compliments on of all my clothes. And I have a LOT of clothes.

If you would like to get some great deals on some lovely clothes, stop by Sine's sample sale. Coats, dresses, scarves, knits, accessories, handbags. Sine's clothes are sharp, sexy and sophisticated. She accepts credit cards too!

Go visit her lovely showroom, have a glass of wine and try on some clothes in a comfortable, laid back environment. Tell her Jessica sent you for an extra discount...

Sizes 2 - 12

Prices start at $10 and go up!

Sineh D Designer Showrom
151 Hudson Street (corner of Hubert)
Suite 3F
Tribeca

Nov. 10 - Dec. 14 -- every day, 11 am - 6 pm

212-431-4840
www.sinehd.com

DELFINO'S DIATRIBE
NOVEMBER, 2007

Hello out there beautiful, ugly world, you old juxtaposition, you.

It's been a while since I've diatribed, but then again, it's been awhile since I've done a lot of things. I'm writing today with some, um, "exciting!" news. In this issue you'll find info about Morgan Spurlock's new documentary, a sample sale in Tribeca, my new website, upcoming shows and MORE.

I'll start off with my loveable diatribe and move on to news items.

NOVEMBER'S DIATRIBE:

This is going to be a long one, because right now, I've got nothing to complain about. I don't know what happened. Maybe it's all the spirulina or the kombucha I've been drinking. Maybe it's the new Whole Foods grocery store located just blocks away from my lower east side residence, stocked with every kind of fancy natural remedy you can think of. I've been trying them all. ALL, I say. Sometimes I mix them together in a soup like concoction, not unlike the combo from the days of my youth, when I would lock myself in the bathroom and play scientist, where I mixed shampoo, perfume, bleach, ammonia and everything else I could find together into a cup, until my parents busted down the door and punched me in the ass repeatedly for putting myself in a potentially dangerous situation. Maybe it's the weekly therapy session I've been attending for about a year, now. What I'm trying to say is, I DON'T KNOW. But my mind is like one of those chocolate cadbury eggs that you unwrap and suck all that white shit out of, leaving just the hollow shell to slowly nibble on until your fingers are covered in a sticky, slimy residue that you then suck off of each finger. Then you shake someone's hand later, but your hands aren't really dirty any more, and even if they were, the person who's hand you shook wouldn't know that their palms were covered in your mouth goo, anyway.

This kind of relaxed mind-set is not good for my business. It's certainly not good for my diatribes. My diatribes are fueled by ANGER! POVERTY! DEPRESSION! Right now, I'm not feeling any of those things. Don't worry, THEY'LL BE BACK. As far as poverty is concerned, I'm not overnight rich or anything, but the buddhist website I've been reading has helped me to appreciate what I DO have, MAN.

I've also been collecting some new, interesting instruments which have made me feel pretty cheery. So, for the remainder of my diatribe, I'll just talk about my new instrumental acquisitions, which are important and relevant to my line of work, which is vagina ditties. I got a new flying V ukelele in Scotland which is the most beautiful little thing I've ever held. It's even prettier than a baby or a kitten, and much cleaner and just all around better. When I take it outside, people RUN up to me on the street, and I get scared because I think they are going to attack me, (I prepare by getting out my rape whistle and getting poised to play my anti-rape song) but then they just excitedly scream, "WHAT IS THAT THING?" and "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?" and "IS THAT A FLYING V UKELELE?" and "OH MY GOD, CAN I SEE YOUR TINY GUITAR?" It has happened no less than ten times so far, and I can understand why. Every time I see it, I do that. On the buddhist website, it says you're not supposed to cherish physical belongings. But "f" that. Just looking at this thing makes me happy, ge-od de-amn it, and that's more than I can say about any of you shit for necks.

Also, recently, to get away from the hustle and bustle of love lost, I took a trip with dear, deary pal out into the outer world of ruralsville. There, my pal's parents treated me like a crimson queen, offering food and drink to me with a limitlessness reserved for royalty, celebrity, or politicy. I slept in a very firm bed (which I like) with about four comforters draped over me, like the princess and the pea, while a HARP watched guard over me while I dreamed about cupcakes and sugar factories. We spent the days walking and wiffling through the lovely wood, playing with an adorable puppy, tinkling the ivories, (a piano is a luxury that I don't have the space to afford) discussing new age themes, considering ways to get rich quick while we dined on ginger cookies, and otherwise engaged in a variety of assorted gluttonous uses of time.

As I was leaving, my parting gift was a Q-chord, an electronic auto-harp which was certainly invented by a direct ancestor of Stevie Nicks, or someone who comes from a long line of witches. It is a beautiful, magical instrument that makes me feel like a coven caretaker when I play it. I can't wait to write some filthy ballads on it to share with you all, once I learn how to play it. It is really the nicest gifty-gift (you know, besides like, love, or a heart-felt compliment) I think I've ever received, and if I had anything to diatribe about at all, the Q-chord removed any shred of it's existence from my life.

Unfortunately for you, I'm much funnier when I'm angry. But fortunately for you, my temper rages and my attitude is generally so bad that I am never happy for more than a few days or a week, at most. So, hopefully, when it's time for the next Diatribe to roll off my fingertips, I'll be hell-bent on tearing someone a brand new asshole.

Until next time,
Ms. Delfino's Diatribe

AND NOW, onto the greener pastures of the news. Let's start off with this little gem of a treat of a cupcake:

WHAT WOULD JESUS BUY?

Morgan "Super Size Me" Spurlock's newest documentary is coming OUT this FRIDAY, and I don't mean in a gay way. I mean, in a Cinema Village way. The documentary, entitled, "What Would Jesus Buy?" stars Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping Choir as they travel across the USA to save the multitudes of thick, fat Americans from the commercialization of Christmas. I am very excited and proud to say that I wrote a few of the songs featured in this film. You can hear them during the Christmas Caroling scene in the movie, when the Stop Shopping Choir goes door to door singing lyrics that I penned! It's a terrific scene and very funny. I do encourage you all to go and see the film THIS FRIDAY, Nov. 16th.

There will be a special Q & A after the 7:05 and the 9:20 PM showings where Morgan Spurlock and Reverend Billy will be on hand to hand-resolve all your pressing concerns and inquiries.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16
Cinema Village
22 East 12th Street
New York, NY 10013
212-924-3363

Visit the website:

www.wwjbmovie.com

AND ALSO ON FRIDAY:

Thank Cock It's Friday!

Cock Lorge is at it again with his raunchy musical party-time show at Piano's, feauring Seth Herzog, Dan Asselin, Georgia Haege, and myself, Jessica Delfino.

THIS FRIDAY, Nov. 16th
PIANOS
158 Ludlow Street
(at Stanton St.) NYC
7:30 PM

But that's not all. I've got lots of fun funny shows coming up. So don't miss this long list of wonderous times to come, as we kick off this collection of future shows with:

ANOTHER TERRIFIC SHOW THIS SATURDAY, in BROOKLYN, a place I rarely play:

Saturday Nov. 17th
Ed Schmidt's Dumbolio Monthly Variety Show
with Ed Schmidt, Corey Dargel, Lisa Levy, N.Y. Footbag Allstars, Josh Max, Scott Korb
Powerhouse Arena
37 Main St.,
Dumbo, Brooklyn, NYC
8 PM
$20 tix at www.smarttix.com
www.dumbolio.com

AND ON SUNDAY, come BUY SOME SHIT in TRIBECA:

My friend is having a sample sale at her snazzy Tribeca showroom featuring free wine and light snacks. The clothes she carries are from Denmark, and they are really beautiful -- they are the fittings of a princess-rock star, with fancy trimmings, yet they are also sleek and very hot. Many of her pieces are sold at Bergdorf Goodman and Barneys and are shown in Lucky Magazine. But here you can get them for cheapity cheap cheap, with some items (like the beautiful black cape-let I got) starting at $10, and of course, going up into the hundreds. All sizes.

THIS SUNDAY
Sineh d Designer Showroom
151 Hudson St. (corner of Hubert) Suite 3F
11 am - 6 pm

AND THIS MONDAY, another Brooklyn show:

Monday Nov. 19th
Jen Is Famous Comedy Show
Pete's Candy Store
Lorimer Street
Brooklyn, NY
7:30 PM
FREE
www.jenisfamous.com

AND ON TUESDAY, see "MY PUSSY IS MAGIC" on the BIG SCREEN, with the Happy Corp's video ensemble:

Tuesday Nov. 20th
Jessica Delfino Is Magic
Anthology Film Archives
corner of 2nd St and 2nd Ave
more info:
www.thehappycorp.com

SUPPORT BEN LERMAN'S new CD and "Ukelear Winter" tour!

www.benlerman.net

I'll be joining him in some of the shows on the tour, such as Nashville and Pittsburgh. Yeahaahhhahhh.

HANG with the VAG CREW at Vaginapalooza!!!
as part of the upcoming Wonder Woman Week Festival, Dec. 11 - 16th:

Saturday December 15th
Vaginapalooza
@ Center Stage 48 West 21st Street, 4th Floor, Buzzer #7
New York, NY 10010
9:30 PM

and see the full line-up for Wonder Woman Week in Flavorpill.net and more details
at Groovemama.com.

with Gina Vetro, Magin Schantz, Adira Amram, Dame Darcy & me, Jessica Delfino.

C'EST DUCKIE

This is a show I booked while I was in London, when I played to a very gay crowd of 300 or so very gay men at a very gay club. Guess how I was dressed? In my RED SUIT, like the Santa Claus gay-looking bitch I wish I never was. Very gay, indeed. This show will be at the CSV for much of December and some of January, and features Taylor Mac, Julie Atlas Muz and a bunch of other studded, starred stars and studs. You can see me in the show on these dates:

Friday December 21st
Monday December 24th
Wednesday December 26th
Thursday December 27th
Friday December 28th
Saturday December 29th
Sunday December 30th
Monday December 31st

C'est Duckie
CSV (produced by PS122)
107 Suffolk Street between Rivington & Delancey
with Taylor Mac, Julie Atlas Muz and many more...

Come visit my spaces:

NEWS and VIDEOS: www.myspace.com/jessydelfino
SONGS: www.myspace.com/jessicadelfinotunes

I never did get around to sending out my UK tour journal and photos, but if you really care, check my blog sometime, and it will be up there, one of these days. You can also see my Delfino's Diatribe in it's entirety there.

www.jessydelfino.blogspot.com

AND FINALLY, the last piece of exciting news in this diatribe:

MY NEW WEBSITE IS UP!!!

Thanks very, very much to my wonderful friend and webmaster, Florent, from France, who made this website WITH HIS HANDS!!!

www.jessicadelfino.com

Get a monthly Diatribe!

email: jessdelfino@yahoo.com

TONITE...

Come see how I perform under distress!

WWJD?

What would Jesus do if he found out that the love of his life, his live-in, somewhat tumultuous on-again, off-again love had been engaging in a long and short distance relationship with someone who had performed sexual favors for them at K-Mart? What would he do with explicit pornographic photos that he had stumbled upon, verbose sexual ramblings and pitiful erotica?

What would Jesus do?

I know what Jessica Delfino would do. She would send the emails to the girl's fiance, post them and the photos on her blog and move out of her apartment.

I don't want to be like that, though.

I'm not Jesus, but I'm not going to behave as pathetically as the two people who hurt me, either.

That being said, I'm going to spend the next week relaxing and taking care of myself. I'm going to swim, like the dolphin that I am and I'm going to go get a chinese back rub. I'm going to hang out with my friends and people who I know care about me. And I'm going to let the cool winds of change blow some new adventures into my life.