@PDiddy Twitter Feed Break Down

...For those of you who don't follow the Diddle master or who do but can't seem to crack his Twitter concept. It's an easy pattern to identify -- it consists of inspirational quotes interlaced with what seems to be either jibberish or elaborate secret CIA codes.

What does your Twitter pattern consist of?

And the "Best Facebook Compliment at 1:50 AM Award" goes to...

Just getting my Oscar pre-game ready with a little Photoshop magic. This was awarded to a nice lady by the name of "Emma" for commenting, "Are you ever NOT funny?"

If YOU would like to get your very own personalized "Best Facebook Compliment at 1:50 AM" Award, I'm pretty sure you know what to do.

Speaking of Facebook, I now have a new Facebook group for my "LOVE IN STRANGE PLACES" project. Check it out, join the group and get ready to find love in strange places. (Hint: Not your pockets and probably not where you last left it.) You can also just check back here from time to time if you don't do the Facebook.

MISSING DREAM BOYFRIEND

I made this for my girlfriends because I know it is hard to find a good guy. And after being featured in a recent issue of the NY Times Modern Love column, people are contacting me because they seem to think I'm an expert on finding love using clandestine, or at least, "off the beaten path" tricks. And maybe I am. So here you go.

Instructions: Click on image, print, write your phone number (or email address) under "DREAM GIRLFRIEND" and hang in your neighborhood, bodega, office, laundromat bulletin board, and any other place a super handsome, successful, mentally sound, fit, available man is likely to stumble upon it. OK, so I like a girlish, Mona Lisa esque quality in my men. Aaaannnnddd...?

Good luck, and let me know how it goes!

I Know What I Did Last Weekend

I had a zombie adventure in Princeton, NJ. More details to come.

And here's something fun to read that someone sent me via the internet: An old Arthur Mag review written by Byron Coley and Thurston Moore - in case you don't know,

Thurston Moore = Sonic Youth.

Reading this review still brings tears of joy to my eyes.

"YELP"FUL REVIEWS AND TIPS

Today, I review three local businesses in which I set foot into this afternoon on Yelp. Together, the reviews tell a short story of what I did with my afternoon.

1. Regal Movie Theater

3 stars - A-OK

My friend works at this theater and lets me in for free all the time. Now, that's a good theater. In addition, an attendant on a jazzy (scooter) with a great attitude cheerfully chatted me up in the bathroom after I accidentally blocked her route, stating, I could "stand anywhere I wanted as long as it wasn't at an AMC." How's that for employee pride? Finally, I like the stand alone one row one seat which lets me know even though I'm alone at a movie cause my friend ditched me without any explanation, it's OK, and I even get rewarded, with my very own 'solitary independent movie goer' movie throne. How very "Regal", indeed.

2. Max Brenner

2 stars - Meh, I've experienced better

Well, I'd love to write terrific things about this Willy Wonka-esque recreation of a chocolate lover's paradise but unfortunately, I was told there would be a 40 minute wait, 10 minutes after entering, as that was how long it took us to wade through the kiddie pool to the hostess station -- that's right they have a kiddie pool -- a literal pool of unescorted children screaming with joy over the chocolate-themed decor. We didn't have time to wait, because my friend, who showed up for the last 25 minutes of the movie with a great story about how he missed meeting me because he fell asleep, as he stayed up til 6 am reading "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" was heading back to Regal to catch the 3 PM showing of True Grit, so instead we had to hustle over to Cosi to make the most of our 20 minute hang. But I hope to get back to Max Brenner to give it a fair shake, ideally around 8 am on a Tuesday when there is only a 20 or 30 minute wait.

3. Cosi

2 stars - Meh, I've experienced better

Well, I'm normally a huge Cosi fan, what with those bowls of germ-y yet warm bread ends set out in the open for any old collection of fingers to grab, what's not to love? However, this particular Cosi is oddly laid out making for an awkward experience. First, we had to ask the register woman who could barely be bothered to take a minute out from her lame story about her kid what the rules of the place were - how did we get the eating progress going? Should we sit indian style on the floor until someone brought us water? Or should we go seat ourselves at a table and start playing Boggle naked until management called the police? She pointed into the back, boredly grunted a few muddled instructions and launched back into her story to her co-worker. My friend and I wandered into the back and stood around until a man on a unicorn trotted up to us to take our order. I'm sorry, I actually hallucinated that, as I was so hungry and we had stood there for so long. We placed an order, and the man sent us back to the talky bored woman. So we wandered back over to the talky bored woman who was so talky and so bored that she gave the wrong slip to my friend to sign so he had to sign another one. She took our drink orders and mistakenly gave the wrong order to the woman so she made and gave my drink away to someone else. We waited about 15 minutes until our drinks, a coffee and a hot chocolate, were done. On my hot chocolate, the barista swizzled a pair of barely recognizable letters, an S and an I which I imagined were her or her children's initials or perhaps a gang sign. I think she forgot to put the chocolate into the drink, because it's taste resembled sweet dish water, either that or they make their drinks with dish water. My friend and I strolled back to find the only empty table in the joint, where we ate for three minutes together before I walked him back to the theater and we parted ways. I would definitely go back here again!

TEXT BREAKDOWN:

Strangers like Delfino + show in Westchester

This is a brief text message exchange a friend of mine and I had today:

FRIEND: I was at a restaurant the other day and I overhear people talking about how much they liked your act. Just random people. Keep up the good work!

ME: Shut up! Tell me more! What restaurant? What did the people look like? Smell like?

ME: What were they eating?

FRIEND: Two white girls. XXXXXX Cafe in Brooklyn. Salads white wine. Slightly yuppie. Average good looking.

ME: Nice!

FRIEND: I was going to talk to them but thought it would be bad form to interfere with the subjects.

Then I half jokingly called him a creep for calling the girls "subjects". The end.

**************

Don't forget:

SAT, FEB 19 (tomorrow)

GONG SHOW LIVE

Emelin Theater for The Performing Arts

153 Library Lane

Mamaroneck, NY 10543

GET TIX HERE

More details about Gong Show LIVE here

I get to play my rape whistle song in front of an audience of pasty

people who don't really get it with 2 back up

white boy dancers -- it's definitely worth a see!!

Announcement: Humorous Reading Ahead

TOMORROW, Thurs Feb 17:

Steamboat Humorous Reading Show

686 Fulton St.

Ft. Greene, Brooklyn

7:30 PM

with Bob Powers. Jon Glaser (author of the above

book, "My Dead Dad Was In ZZ Top"), Kurt Braunohler

and other wonderful people, including

your musical guest, ME.

Come unless you are dead.

More info:

FB INVITE

GREENLIGHT BOOKSTORE

VALENTINE'S DAY SHOWS

Everyone and their bra girl has a show tonight. So I though I'd show you mines, too. Check me out at one or both of these great shows, TONIGHT, for Valentine's Day themed fun:

Kelly & Lindsay's Valentine's Day Show

@ Professor Thom's

219 2nd Ave bet. 13/14 (upstairs)

8 PM

with Myka Fox, Margot Leitman, Mara Herron,

Selena Coppock, Sarah Tollemache and more.

FREE / sexy prizes

...AND THEN, LATER TONITE @ 10 PM...

Skits'N'Tits & Loose Caboose presents:

Carnal Carnival

A garish display of sinfully funny sexy goodness

308 Bowery @ Bleecker

10 PM

with: Dave Hill, Chris Evans (Michael Jackson style dancer), Tina Cione & The ChiChiones, Shane Webb, Diane O'Debra, Stephanie America, Mike Amato, Juliet Jeske, Miss Em, Grace Gotham, Victor Varnado, with burlesque dancing, sexy chocolates by CarnalConfections.net, raffle prizes by MarayaCigars.com and KongMagazine.com, traveling kissing booth, "Drunk Girl" champagne drinks for $4 / glass, comedy, burlesque, sketches, a fun, circus-y good time!

$8 at the door

JD in NY Times Modern Love

& Happy Valentine's Day

I've told the story before to friends, I've told the story to strangers, I've told the story to loved ones. It makes my boyfriend cringe to hear me recount the story because he thinks it was a cheesy way for us to have met. I can't say I disagree. But the bottom line is, we met 3 years ago on Craigslist when I decided to try to make people apply to date me, and we're still happily together. How's that for barf-inducing romance? Hollywood ain't got nothin' on us.

I wrote out our adventure for NY Times Modern Love column and though it didn't quite work for the column, the editor enjoyed the story and my twist on "writing a list", so he wrote about it in his recent NY Times love column which you can read here.

I was going to post the story I submitted to Modern Love on this blog but I may actually try to resubmit it or try to submit it somewhere else so just hold your horse jockeys and I'll let you know when it is in print and where. If you were at the Bell House on Friday night you heard me tell pretty much the entire story on stage.

Valentine's Day is one of my favorite holidays, corporately manufactured or not (aren't they all, kinda?) I love chocolate, I love the idea of love, and I love being in love. I've had good love, I've had bad love, I've had things that I thought were love that were actually soul wrenching self-inflicted punishment. I've had alone time, happy singledom and everything in between.

I think that love is a side effect of the human condition and a physical outpouring of our shared mental illness as a society, but don't get me started.

It just makes us, and specifically, has made me do really crazy things and not always in a good crazy way. I have a friend who tells a story about chasing an ex down the street yelling, "I'll kill ya, ya mutha fugga!" And she's not my only friend who has a story like that, I have other friends with similar tales. I have squirted mustard on exes, punched penises, cried until my head hurt, manufactured artificial betrayals and mourned real ones. I have fought over boys and I have let them go peacefully. I have done things I am too embarrassed to write here, and that is coming from a person who is in most cases impossible to embarrass, so you know it must be some pretty bad stuff. But in general, as crazy and chaotic as it can be, I love loving and being loved, and I am glad to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I think I've finally got the hang of this crazy train, and now that I love myself so much more, I am free. I don't think that bad love can ever trap me again. That is the best love discovery I've made in nearly two decades of my experience with it. Mmm, on second thought, orgasmic exstacy may have it beat by a few notches.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Try to be kind to one another, especially the ones you love. Even if you don't love them anymore.

Ooey Gooey Valentine's Day

Party Show Reminder

It's tonight!

The Bell House

Park Slope, Brooklyn

7 PM

$8

with Hannibal Buress, Kurt Braunholer,

Claudia Cogan, me and others

More info

presented by TheSkint.com

be there!

A WEEK OF WILD AND FERAL TIMES

Valentine's Day is a busy time for me because I have a lot of songs about vaginas -- well, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. I only have about 3-4 songs "directly" "about" vaginas, but those three songs are worth about 25 songs each, because everyone thinks that's what all my songs are about. And who am I to correct you, the world? Let you think I write all of my songs about vaginas, and I will be sure to stay busy around Valentine's Day.

Vagina themed or not, my songs certainly do discuss love gone wrong and right. My most recent new song which I performed at last night's NYC Talent Show is called "Mile High Club" and it's about joining the Mile High Club, the group of people out there who have experienced coitus on an air craft. Now, that's love gone right if you ask me.

When I'm not busy crafting songs about vaginas and plane fornication, I like writing songs for specific shows because it's a fun challenge. Last week I wrote a song about zombies for a zombie show I did, and I wrote a song for tomorrow's show, a "Social Network" themed show. Come hear what my other songs are about (besides vaginas and social networking, which in a way I guess is kind of about vaginas) in this week's shows.

Tue, Feb 9

Inner Monologue: Social Network Edition

Bar on A, 170 Ave A at 11th St.

7 PM / Free

Thurs, Feb 10

Beaches 2

I'm guest hosting for Ben Lerman

in this delightful romp at

Under St. Mark's Theater

94 St. Marks @ 1st Ave.

The theme is "dumped".

with special guest World Famous *BOB*

starring Tanya O'Debra and others

10 PM / $5

Friday, Feb 11

TheSkint.com presents:

Ooey Gooey Valentine's Day Show

with Kurt Braunholer, Hannibal Buress,

Claudia Cogan, moi, Found Footage Fest films, cupcakes,

sexy tacos and so much more.

All I can say is, this show / party is really gonna rock.

@ The Bell House

149 7th St. Brooklyn 11215

7:30 PM / $8

GET TIX HERE

You Don't Know Where I've Been, Lou

This is a recent collection of visitor locations to my blog. Whenever I'm feeling sorry for myself because I don't have my own TV show or I'm not a household name (YET), I just look at my visitor locations and I imagine someone in Thailand or France listening to my songs, and all is right in the world again.

Arkansas, Texas, California, Maryland, Canada -- thanks for popping in, even if it was an accidental click.

PS, I have a lolly pop for anyone who gets the blog title reference. Leave it in the comments along with your address and look for your lolly in the mail.

61		United States
62		United States	Elk Grove, California
63		United States	Houston, Texas
64		United States
65		Canada	Winnipeg, Manitoba
66		United States	Little Rock, Arkansas
67		Unknown
68		United States	Sacramento, California
69		Thailand	Bangkok, Krung Thep
70		Unknown
71		United States	Newton Center, Massachusetts
72		Unknown
73		France	Nemours, Ile-de-France
74		United States	Port Republic, Maryland
75		United States	Mountain View, California
76		United States	Whittier, California
77		Unknown
78		United States	Troy, New York
79		United States	Wappingers Falls, New York
80		United States	San Benito, Texas

COMPLAINING WORKS?

A nice gesture from an amused, thoughtful reader. Thank you! By the way, you don't have to be amused to contribute to my life. You can be merely angered, delighted, the recipient of a recent windfall such as the lottery or a will inheritance, someone who is generally generous to purveyors of fine filthy folk or, really any reason is a good one to donate to Dirty Folk Rock.

My pay pal account is always open at jessdelfino at yahoo dot com. Have a great day, and try not to get snarkled by the MTA.

Hello Jessica Delfino, This email confirms that you have received a donation of $25.00 USD from xxxxx xxxxxx (----@--------.---). You can view the transaction online. Donation Details Total amount: $25.00 USD Currency: U.S. Dollars Confirmation number: 8FB18735G59418232 Purpose: Jessica Delfino Contributor: xxxxx xxxxxx Buyer's User ID: xxxxx xxxxxx Message: Here's a karmically restored MetroCard from a comically restored friend. Thanks.

I HATE THE MTA!

I can't even get clever with this entry's title, and why should I when it's so very simple? I've had a lot of negative thoughts and reservations about the NYC subway system since the first day I moved to NYC. Now and then they come up in conversation - the cheap rip off stunts they pull, secret pay raises behind closed doors, misspending of public funds, the filth and over crowding and that's not all - but now it is time to let my vitriol fly, bloggie style.

I HATE THE NYC SUBWAY SYSTEM!

The reasons are so many and so plentiful, as mentioned above. They rip off commuters left and right, every chance they get. They are a goliath that we have to depend on, there is barely a way around them. I ride my bike almost everywhere I can because of this and have for years. I give the MTA as little money as I possibly can. But recently I got a job that made it necessary for me to purchase a monthly card, as I'd have to take the subway at least 4 times a day, which frankly, was almost a deal breaker. Now, how about that. I think the MTA sucks so badly, I'd almost rather keep being poorer than I am versus ride the subway. THAT'S SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT, MTA.

So, not used to carrying a monthly Metrocard, what did I do? I LOST MINE. I had it for about 3 weeks and one time in a rush, I put it in my pocket and I guess it fell out. I called the MTA last week to notify them that I'd lost it. It was a Friday after 5 and they said to call back M-F 9-5. I was actually relieved and impressed that they offered a refund on lost cards. Wow! An improvement! A sign of intelligence in this seemingly otherwise behemoth cavalcade of idiots and con artists. I couldn't wait til Monday to call. Well, the busy week overtook me, and I forgot to call for a few days, but that wouldn't matter, right? Since I know they check my credit card, I know they have the date of when I purchased it and thus, it's serial number, hence they can find out when the last time I used it was. Great! So when I finally got around to calling, the woman on the other end, who, to her credit was really sweet and nice, told me that they could only credit me back with what was left on the card as of our phone conversation. Well, there was one day left. They don't do the reasonable, normal, fair thing and check back to the last time it was used. They simply jack you. OF COURSE.

So, instead of getting back the $25 the MTA could have, should have returned to me, a struggling artist who they continually rip off so they can drive fancy cars and live in big houses, I am getting back $3.

WHAT CAN YOU DO IF YOU ARE EVER IN THIS SITUATION: They give you the opportunity to leave a message if you call after hours. What they don't tell you, is, you HAVE to leave a message to start counting the day you lost the card. So if you lose your card, call every 5 minutes and leave a message so that you can verify you definitely called. $3! What a joke. That's enough for ONE RIDE. Last time I checked, a day pass was $8. I don't even know if they do day passes any more. But if they did, $3 vs. $8 doesn't quite add up.

But then again, NONE of the MTA's numbers ever add up, do they? Isn't that their whole problem?

To go along with their big houses and fancy livin, maybe they should spend some of our stolen cash on some good math tutors.

And in closing,

the MTA.

Zombie Night, oh what a night

We knocked the crowd "undead"

Last night, Inbred Hybrid Collective's Book Club Burlesque was the place to be. The joint was packed, the cops were called, there was blood everywhere, cameras were rolling, it was an amazing night to be a zombie or merely a zombie aficionado. Look for the event on HDNet's "Deadline" show. I will keep you posted on the details.

I dressed up as a medieval zombie princess in form to the night's theme, "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" and played a new zombie themed song on my autoharp called, "Zombies are made of Stupid People". I also wrote / read a brief essay entitled, "All I know about Zombies". You can read it below. For more information about the next Book Club Burlesque event, friend this guy or check this out. The next Book Club show theme book is "Fight Club" so get reading and keep your eyes out on my calendar for the next date.

Tonight, catch me at Jena Friedman's Entertaining The Bartender at Angels and Kings at 9 PM. More info is on my calendar to the right of this entry. Hope to see you there.

****************

All I Know About Zombies

By Jessica Delfino

Zombies are the worst monster because they are made out of really stupid people. Other monsters inherit super human strengths and abilities. Vampires can fly and become slender, beautiful and rich forever. That’s awesome. They are the American apparel staff of monsters.

Werewolves can run and jump and go on to have a successful careers even with Parkinsons disease. Werewolevs are the famous sociopatic Olympic athletes – the Tanya hardings of the monster family.

Zombies become ugly and travel in large mobs of ugly people, forever stuck wearing shreds of whatever ugly outfit they wore last. They also stay fat forever, decay and seem distracted. Zombies are the Midwestern toll collectors of monsters. I’m gonna guess they probably smell really bad, too.

Whoever invented the zombie concept was a real creep. Oh, I think it was actually Jesus, the first documented mortal to rise from the dead.

Finally, vampires and werewolves eat great meals and drink wine and blood. You can never tell if it’s wine or blood, that’s fun. Zombies eat brains. Have you ever had a brain before? A cow or chicken brain? I mean, with knowledge and consent, not in hot dogs. No, you haven’t, because who would eat a brain as a meal? Only the Chinese, which in effect, makes them the closest the human species gets to being real zombies.

The End.

Burlesque Book Club tonight:

PRIDE & PREJUDICE & ZOMBIES

It's pretty much exactly what it sounds like -- a burlesque and comedy show based on the book Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which is also exactly what it sounds like -- the book Pride and Prejudice rewritten to incorporate zombies into the mix; a sort of literal mash-up.

This show, the brainchild of Domi Clout may leave you a combination of titillated, tickled and slightly traumatized. Expect to see burlesque performers doing disgusting things, comedy and literate types sipping blood colored concoctions. I will be playing a BRAND NEW ZOMBIE THEMED SONG. Oh, yes, it's true.

The dirty deets:

8 PM

Parkside Lounge

317 E. Houston (at Attorney)

$7 + one drink min

(drinks are pretty cheap)

F to Delancey or 2nd Ave,

JMZ to Delancey

It's featured in today's Time Out NY / Own This City as a pick, so it's probably gonna be pretty packed. You'll get there early if you have any braaaaaiinnnnnssssss.