DOC DAY

Today has been a day of watching documentaries. I started the day watching "Exit Through The Gift Shop", with Granny at her suggestion. I'm glad and lucky that Granny (a very cool 70 something year old lady I love who is not actually my granny) is cool enough to encourage me to do things like watch the Banksy doc. When it came to the theaters I was so broke I didn't have the money to go at the time.

I know that the dirty folk comedy ditties may seem like a lucrative career but even us ribald ""comediennes"" have it rough sometimes.

The documentary pretty much blew my mind. It was the story of a monster of sorts that Banksy accidentally created when he met, inspired and suggested a french crazy person / documentary maker named Thierry produce an art show of original works. I love Banksy too, and it documented his work and his process. I have a print of his on my wall in my living room. It's the one where an erudite artist with a fancy palette is painting a crude penis on a wall. I think it symbolizes what I do in a nut-sack-shell. I left Granny's wishing I had a can of spray paint in my hand. That's the kind of art I love the best -- art that makes me want to leave and go immediately start doing whatever it was I just saw.

I've always been kind of suggestible. It's a shitty way to live. People do things that inspire me and if I'm not careful, I will adapt it like a chameleon. Now that I'm a little more experienced at life and set in my ways, I'm less likely to pick things up with such head spinning ADD characteristics the way I used to, and that is why the Banksy doc was so amazing to me.

When I was in art school in the late 90s and oughts in Philadelphia, I hung out with a few fledgling graffiti artists. The nerdy dumb asses I wasted time with had lame ass monikers and gay ass styles, tagging their initials on sidewalks and such with the voracity of a semi erection, but they were trying to figure it out. Unfortunately, it was enough to uninspire me enough to get a job at a dot com immediately upon graduation.

Watching that doc reignited the imagination that I had as a little spit in the 90s. I strongly recommend anyone with writer's block watch that doc while shoveling down a handful of Granny's homemade peanut butter cookies.

The second doc I watched today was Dogtown and Z-Boys, a documentary about skateboarding. I hung out with a handful of skaters in the 80s in Maine. They were cool kids with a good sense of humor, cute glasses and asymmetrical hair dos. I would have given my whole collection of Violent Femmes tapes at the time to have shared a first kiss with one of those grape lollipop stained mouths.

When I was in my mid 20s, I boyfriended comedian Roger Hailes for a bit. When the summertime came, he skated around on a longboard and inspired me to buy a skateboard and to try surfing at Montauk, as well. Never the graceful one, I practically drowned the first time I surfed and the first time I skated I think I skinned my entire leg from shin to knee. Roger pleaded with me not to skate, afraid I'd maim myself and then he'd be left in the awkward position of 'to ditch or not to ditch the mangled chick'. But he didn't have to worry long, I left it in my car and it got stolen, ending my week long skating stint.

Though the Z-Boys doc didn't inspire me in the same way "Exit" did, the punk-ness of it was just delightful. It features a lot of old footage from the 60s and 70s of famous skaters zipping around in pools as kids and it made me wish I was 12 one more time so I could fuck up my life all over again in a different way.

I imagine one day I will be a mother who, upon learning my kids are heading out for a night of whatever crazy shit kids do in the future -- cloud graffiti-ing and plane surfing -- will say, "Well, that sounds lovely, you kids have a nice time!"

I look forward to seeing what kind of messed up stuff the kids born of my demented loins and laurels do. I can only hope they'll be involved in the dawn of a creative era of some kind.

I had a sexy dream about Marc Maron last night

I'm constantly grappling with feeling likable on stage, yet I also love that the stage is a place where I can be totally honest. It's always a challenge for me to find where the boundaries of the two meet. Will I ever learn? Who knows. But why not join me in another attempt, as I do consider this blog to be an extension of the stage.

Today's blog entry is about a real life and somewhat embarrassing dream I had last night.

We've all had them. Sexy dreams about people that we didn't, perhaps, 'mean' to have them about. People who disgust us, our bosses, the kid in school who picked his nose, what have you. I've had sexy dreams about people I definitely meant to have them about, like Owen Wilson. That was one of my favorite dreams, ever.

Last night, I had a sexy dream about Marc Maron. I mean, it wasn't that sexy or else I probably wouldn't be writing about it. I'd be keeping my big mouth shut about it. It was actually rather G rated. There wasn't even any heavy breathing. I really don't know why I had a sexy dream about Marc Maron. I rarely ever think about Marc Maron, and I certainly never had a 'thing' for him, no offense, Marc, if you ever read this, though I'm sure the feeling is mutual. I forgot I even had the dream at all until today I saw a post of his on my Facebook wall. Then whammo, it all came flooding back to me, like a tidal wave with Marc Maron's face on it - you know, glasses and such.



In the dream, Marc and I reconnected after not seeing each other for a few years. We spent the afternoon together, lying around and talking and laughing, and at the end of it all, we kissed. The next day (in my dream) I listened to his podcast and he talked about how he'd met a really nice girl that he knew from years ago and that something had clicked between us and that he was feeling really good about it.

Are you bored of reading about my dream yet? I am already bored of writing about it. Not to say that Marc isn't a handsome, kiss worthy fellow, but who enjoys reading about people's dreams? Sleep experts, maybe, but they probably don't actually enjoy it, either. Ever ask someone how a movie was and they recount the entire plot to you, including character's names? That's what hearing about dreams is like for me. 'Don't ruin the ending,' I always say to people who insist on telling me their dreams. I hope they never invent a dream recording device, because a lot of dreams are going to go straight to DVD.

I used to know Marc years ago. I was dating a comedian named Kurt Metzger and he and Marc became friends, and Marc's ex and I were friends. It also turned out Marc and Kurt and I were neighbors. One year, we had Easter dinner together. Marc talked to Kurt and I about his background in comedy, and at the time he was kinda bummed because he was feeling discouraged. Kurt and I were a bit dumbfounded because to us, Marc was pretty famous. I mean, as we were leaving, he gave us a copy of his book. At the time, not just anyone and everyone had a book. It was a much rarer thing.

Now, it seems that Marc is doing even better than I suppose he was doing then.

But why would I have a dream about kissing Marc Maron? Why now? Why Marc? I think I realized that the dream was a metaphor for my own challenges, and somewhere, my brain dug up the memory of that old conversation with Marc. Dumb old brain, hoarding dumb old conversations.

I think the dream was my mind's way of telling me to hang in there, "like Marc" and that good things are still to come. The thing that's funny to me is that, a lot of the people he mentioned as having "made it" during that conversation are way outdated now, and not doing much of anything. I just love how people go up and then they go down. Even celebrity status can't escape gravity. Remembering that will always and forever keep me humble. I wish it did, everyone.

Things are not going badly for me now. I'm prepping for my UK tour this summer and I'm always performing and keeping busy. Googling myself makes me smile - though I know it's slightly icky, I also know we all do it. But I do look around at my peers and see some of them doing big things. People I started out with. And I wonder, "Why not me?" Why don't I have those things that I want? I admit, I do wonder sometimes, though deep down I also have answers. I made some bad choices, I am not always genius level funny, I am scatterbrained and there's also a few je nais cest qua reasons. I know that meanwhile, others look at me and wonder why they aren't where I am. Sometimes people say directly to me, "I am so jealous! Why you and not me?" I secretly simultaneously hate and appreciate this. I laugh on the outside and cry on the inside. "If only you knew the dark ass places life has taken me. Appreciate having nothing, you shit!" I think to myself.

I am sure I'm not alone in asking myself, "Why not me?". Maybe even Marc still wonders it from time to time. I'll guess next time I see him in one of my dreams, I'll ask him.

Today is 1/12/2012, or "Lookidy Goo" Day

Holy feces, everyone, did you see today's date? It's 1/12/2012. There is "12" TWICE in today's date 1 - 12 - 2012. Do you know what this means? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? Symbiotic energy is all over the planet! People are interconnected with the stars and chickens and planets everywhere today. Some crazy shit is ABOUT TO GO DOWN!

Everyone, I instruct you to go buy extra water, at least 2-3 two liters of Cherry flavored Vintage seltzer. Grab a box of bandaids while you're at it, you never know what might happen today.

When you get home, hold hands with everyone in your family and meditate on the number 12, which represents the floors in buildings everywhere just below the 13th, or "invisible" floor. It also represents how many kids people must have in order to star on their own TV show about having a lot of kids.

So today is a magical day, indeed! Everyone, don't forget to look at the clock today at 1:12 pm and chant the words, "Lookidy goo, it's 1 1 and 2" for extra good luck. But the most important part to this magical day is believing in your cat's ability to see the future. The next time they are sleeping, watch their stomach gurgle. If it gurgles 3 times, an angel will be sent to watch over you next time you wash dishes. If the cat's stomach gurgles twice, look both ways before getting into the shower tomorrow.

Lookidy goo, everybody!

DIRTY DIRTY PERVERTED FAMILY ORIENTED ANIMAL FUN PALACE OF LIES

This needs no preface. All I can say is, yet again, I can't believe this kind of stuff goes on in the world but I can't simply play my songs on the radio. Maybe I should masturbate my songs with a cow vagina and then big corporations will start throwing money at them hand over fist, the way they do SeaWorld, or should we call it, "SemenWorld"?

MY FRIDAY NIGHT


Yummy chocolate, not the best ever, but it might be as good as you can get at 10 PM in Lower East Chinatown. We're lucky to have gotten chocolate at all around here. #ChineseDontEatDairyOrMuchOfAnythingElse

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Yummy Macallan #ClothesRemover

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Nice hand-rolled cigar from local stogerie, Mayara, the hip new cigar joint in my zip code. Check out my Mayara review on YELP #WhatJayZRollsHisBluntsWith

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Good (albeit deranged) music #RemindedMeOfHaunted Pussy)

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Like tripping on acid in heaven.

Tune into KATG Marathon

I'm going on at 5 PM NOW on Wednesday. Keith and Chemda are awesome. Listen in.

www.katg.com

HAPPY NEW YEAR 20 DOUBLE ONE

Happy New Year, everyone. I know some people say that, but they don't mean it, and other people say it but they don't really give a crap whether the whole year is happy, or just the first few minutes, or none of it at all.

But when Jessica Delfino says "Happy New Year", she really and truly means, god dammit, you better get your ass out there and have a happy new year.

To get you started off right, why not treat yourself to a sampling of some of the first of my humorous snippets of the year, via my Twitter page?

If you like what you find there, don't forget to click the "follow" button in the upper left hand corner. If you need reminding, just come back to the blog again tomorrow and re-read this sentence.

And to all a good night.

SINGLE ON INTERSCOPE DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION

If it's too much for you to splurge on my entire "I Wanna Be Famous" album, I've got an idea -- why not just get your hands on one of the hot singles off the CD? Sure, you've heard "Magic" and "Famous" but how about a lesser known hit that takes pop by the short and curlies and gives it the what for? Enter: "I Wish I Was An Ice Queen".

It's about something many of us can relate to, and that is wishing we could turn off feelings we have for 'the wrong one'.

Check it out HERE

Happy New Year, welcome 20 double one, and let all our bygones be bygones. It's a new year and that means it's time for new thoughts, new ideas, new dreams, new magic and new newness.

If you're still looking for something fun to do, might I suggest W & B Airlines where I'll be playing a raucous music set at 230 am? wandbnyc.com

Sex Tips From Cosmo

If you need to get sex tips from Cosmopolitan Magazine, you are either 10 or in really bad mental shape. Perhaps you have been locked in a basement for the last decade of your life and are just now emerging, horny and ready to mingle. Reading Cosmo sex tips was kind of like listening to Lady Gaga's CD. It was severely disappointing and I think it gave me a little bit of brain damage. Why did I listen to it / read the sex tips, you ask? Because I'm curious to a fault.

OK! So some of the sex tips involved things like, "blow on his penis", "lick his penis with your tongue", and detailed instructions on how to masturbate a man with a circumsized penis. In all fairness, this was an issue from 2009 and hopefully we've all matured since then, but, who doesn't know by now that putting a man's thing-a-ma-jig in your mouth makes him happy? I decided, perhaps I should write my own sex tips column for people, because I've had sex once. So here goes. By the way, sadly, this is how I get most of my ideas - reading other people's attempts at them and thinking, "I could do better than that." It's a sad way to live, but I didn't ask to be born.

SEX TIPS:

1. Do not under any circumstances put any penises into anything that grinds, chops or cuts. Most men save goth types do not like this, unless afterwards you are willing to tenderly fellate them.

2. Apparently, men love having ice or food rubbed onto their penis according to Cosmo. So might I suggest baking up a nice hot dish of Linguini with Clam Sauce and leaving it in the oven so it stays warm. Get your man to close his eyes and dump the entire square of food down his pantalones. Mush it around so it really gets in there, haul his jammies down, pull out his wang and just go to town on it, mowwing it up and down like a corn on the cob, typewriter style, not stopping until you've devoured every last morsel of pasta from his groinal area. Can anyone say, sexy time?

3. Men also love having their balls played with, according to Cosmo. How about throwing your guy through a loop and dipping his boys in a cold cup of Pepsi (or Fresca if you're watching your figure) and then suck the droplets of cool soda off of them with a straw? THEY LOVE THIS! You weren't expecting that, now were ya, Pedro?

4. They say that all men would love to have a menage a trois (that's spanish for anal sex), but what self-respecting woman really wants to share her man's dingaling with one of her trampy friends (Celeste) ? Enter: solution. Help him fuck a melon. It's as simple as that. First carve a hole out of the melon, not too big or he'll think the melon is a slut. Not too small or he'll get really insulted. Put some lipstick around the hole to make it look like lips. If you have a wig, pin it to the top of the melon. Sprouts or a skein of yarn will also do in a pinch. Next time your fella is puttin' the moves on you, tell him "Hold on, big boy - I brought company." Ask him if it's OK. As soon as he says yes, which he may do cautiously to pretend like he's not into it in case you get mad, tell him to close his eyes and just put the melon hole directly onto his melon rod, like a roll of paper towels onto a paper towel holder. He won't know what hit him. Send all thank you cards to: Jessica Delfino, c/o Catholic League, NY, NY 10019.

5. Last, but not least, this one is called the old switcherroo. If you are dating a caucasian man, you will need a brown marker, and if you are dating a brown man, you won't need to do this trick. Simply tell your guy, you've always wanted to know what it would be like to have sex with an African American man. This is going to put him off at first, because he knows that by "African American man" you mean "guy with a bigger dick than you". But it's OK, he'll calm down as soon as you tell him that tonight, you're both going to pretend to be African American. Show him your vagina area, which you've pre-colored with brown marker, and then slowly, intimately color his penis with a brown marker, never breaking eye contact. Erection of his life, guaranteed. When you are finished, have sex with him. Be sure to use a Sharpie or permanent marker for best results.

Now THERE are some sex tips for ya. I'm sick of Cosmo treating us all like we have just recently discovered this thing you call schlong. Have fun and BE SAFE. Only have sex with DOCTORS.

HOW TO HELP KEEP DIRTY FOLK ROCK ALIVE FOREVER

It's been a great year together - let's make 20 double 1 even better

For a good handful of years now, I've been writing demented songs that have put smiles and / or frowns on your faces and the faces of people close to you. I've been publicly denounced by the US Catholic League, I've traveled the world and rocked your town / city / state / country. I've entertained you and horrified your parents / neighbors / religious leaders. And what an utter blast it has been.

I don't have a big powerful music label behind me supporting what I do. Everything I do is paid for by me. All the press I get - I get it for me. All the songs I write are written by me, not the hit factory or Dr. Luke. Even my CDs are designed by me, I drew that unicorn you see. I am a one woman band / business. It's a great way to live my life and I'm thrilled to be able to eat / drink and survive this way, but I do have help -- I have generous friends and fans out there who keep buying my demented CDs and egging me on.

Thank you so much for doing that. Please don't stop. Here are some ways that you can help keep dirty folk rock rocking forever, and some ways don't cost even one cent.

1. Buy CDs / mp3s. I get most of the money from any iTunes / ReverbNation / paypal sales. I love you for doing this.

2. Tell your friends about my music. Share your CDs. Send them to friends for birthdays and holidays and to soldiers in Iraq, strangers you hate, give them out to homeless people or your friends who work in entertainment. If you are a big shot, hire me to write a song for your movie or to play at your kid's bat mitzvah or to be in some TV show you're producing. I promise to be awesome.

3. If you ever see an article or piece of press about me, like it, share it through Facebook, Twitter, your blog, etc. Comment on it. Say anything at all - say there is a monkey robbing cookies out of your cabinet, I don't care. Just comment. Let the world know that people (you) are reading and paying attention when they write about me.

4. Email me and invite me to perform at shows / events that you know about. Tell me about your friends / relatives who produce / book festivals / TV shows / etc. Introduce me to them via email.

5. Donate to my PayPal in any amount - $1 or $1000. The money in my PayPal account goes directly back into my music and performing. You can do that at jess delfino at yahoo dot commmm through http://www.paypal.com/.

6. Come to my shows and bring friends.

7. Read my blog every day. Send the link to friends. "Follow" the blog. This shows bigger labels (read: people with money) that I have a following - YOU.

8. Collaborate with me - let's make a video, write a song together, try something new. This broadens the output of what we make for both of us.

9. Keep loving my dirty mouth and encouraging me -- this makes me want to write new songs for you and never stop making the world an even more deliciously twisted place.

If you do any of those things, I will be able to sing dirty delicious demented funny songs for the rest of my life, which is the goal.

Thank you a million.

PERFECT HOLIDAYS NOW ON iTUNES!!

A Merry hopefully not scary Happy Christmas and holiday season to you and yours. What are you guys gonna be for Christmas this year? A Nancy homemaker, trimming the tree and house to Martha-like perfection? A black sheep uncle, kicking the living room table over and telling everyone what you really think of them? The well-behaved college aged kid who returns home on time expecting a car in the driveway with a bow on top -- and getting it? A stoner who eats all the rum balls and passes out on top of a pile of coats in the bedroom?

All are acceptable options.

Should you need a holiday soundtrack, might I suggest, "Perfect Holidays", now available on iTunes?

In a little write up on NY Press, they said of it, "Jessica Delfino has a new album out today and it features "Christmas Idiot," which has to be our favorite new holiday song." Check out what else NY Press said about it here.

And have yourself a Merry Juana Christmas...right now.

PONGO POWER FUNNY FITNESS SHOW

What a fun show, and I like Union Hall, too. Not every venue is fun to perform in and not every venue treats performers nicely (free drinks, food discounts, good sound, competent & friendly staff) but Union Hall is definitely at the top of my BK venues list after tonight. Erzsi looked stunning in her gold halter skirt and everyone made me laugh.

If you missed the show, boooo on you, you are lazy or had something else going on. But here is a segment of my set: It's a few dieting tips to help you get into shape butt fast. Implement them or be fat.

1. Buy a digital scale that measures points like 120.8 pounds and here is the fun part: weigh yourself every few minutes to see if you’ve gained or lost any weight. Write the number down on a piece of paper and carry it with you, charting your points of pounds over the course of the day.

2. Tell people you are on a diet so that people know and can refrain from sharing their chocolate and cake with you. It’s not enough to simply say, “I’m on a diet”, you have to yell it out really loudly for everyone to hear, for example, at a restaurant or Bat Mitzvah. That way people can feel insecure about not being as healthy as you and you can feel like you’re taking control of your weight.

3. Drink 8 gallons of water every day. Some people say to drink 8 glasses, but these people are total wooses. Not only will you gain weight just from lifting a gallon up to your mouth all the time, but you’ll be drinking so much water your stomach will break, and it’s hard to eat with a broken stomach, and it’s hard to gain weight if you can’t eat.

4. Have a red flag weight: When you do the three items above, melting off virtually hundreds of pounds in only a matter of weeks, you will love your new thin self so much that you will want to stay thin forever. That is why you have to have a red flag – a weight that you pick that will set you into diet mode high alert. What’s your red flag weight? Mine is 96 pounds.

Visit Erzsi's Pongo Power.com or her fitness center by the same name located in Park Slope and ask her about getting your rotund rear into shape.

***Oh, and where can you see me next? Great question. Pop into Otto's Shrunken Head THIS SAT 6 pm - 10 pm and snag a few of my home-made tampon ornaments ($5) or demented holiday cards ($3). I may even sing a few songs for you (free).***

NEXT DELFINO APPEARANCE:

Thurs. 12/16 - Funny Fitness

Pongo Power presents: Funny Fitness

Tomorrow (Thursday) Dec. 16 @ 8:30 PM

Union Hall

702 Union St.

Erzsi Pongo hosts an eclectic collection of comedians in Park Slope such as Victor Varnado, Ben Lerman, Liam McEneaney and Claudia Cogan. Erzsi who has a background in comedy and performed around NYC for several years took her knowledge and love of fitness and opened her own fitness center in Park Slope called Pongo Power. Her business savvy and independence inspire and motivate me. She's a sweet gal and she knows how to work and play hard hard hard. And she's wicked buff, too.

So come to the show, n' shit.

Facebook Invite

Buy Tickets

Erzsi's Website / Pongo Power

TONIGHT

Bowery Pop Up Store opens 6 PM +

BTK Band set @ 9 PM

It's another busy night in Delfino land where there is no rest for the retarded. I clearly take on too much but I feel that is why I'm in NYC. When I'm old and decrepit I can look back on these days and hopefully not kick myself for not spending more time with my family or whatever.

6 PM: BPC's cafe is being turned into a makeshift holiday pop up shop. Come buy some indie hand crafted holiday goods including jewelry, cards, ornaments, shrines and more, all home made. Also, enjoy the art opening with works by Sam Jablon. If you have crafts to sell, please get in touch asap. jess delfino at yahoo dot commmm. For more info about the pop up shop, visit www.craftermathnyc.blogspot.com.

9 PM: While the BPC pop up shop will go until at least 8 PM, to be followed by Bingo, and possibly stay open into the weee hours (midnight), I'll head over to Under St. Marks to do a nice leisurely demented song set with BTK band. Come join the merry. They combine storytelling, improvisation and live music, so that's guaranteed to be nifty.

This is funny - I'm filming a segment for Bravo TV today with one of the Real Housewives. I'll let you know how it goes.

See you after a while, crocodiles.

THIS SUNDAY

The Continuing Story of Carla Rhodes

with special guest: ME

@ Arlene's Grocery, 8 PM

and BUSHWICK BAZAAR in Bushwick, Brooklyn

3 PM

If you haven't seen "The Continuing Story of Carla Rhodes" yet, get your booty out the door and check it out this Sunday. It's a great show full of puppetry, full band-itry and drinkery. Arrive early or stand in the back! I'll do a small piece in Carla's show at 8 PM and then do a whole solo set later at 9 PM. I hope to see your (smiling, frowning or otherwise) face there.

For some early afternoon fun, head over to Bushwick Bazaar. What is it, you ask? Well let me elaborate with the creator's own scribe (NOTE: FREE BEER). Also, I will be doing tarot readings and may sing some songs.

On Sunday December 12 at 3pm, the BUSHWICK BAZZAR will be riddled with this and that; cool people, art, crafts, local food, FREE BEER, and evening musical and comedy performances. You can also get your tarot read and maybe find out what your life's been missing...

BUSHWICK BAZAAR is located at 1342 Dekalb, near the intersection of Dekalb/Central/Myrtle (The Devils Palm) - it's a brand new space that needs to be filled with creators, creatives, performers and teachers.

Do me a quick favor...

People write to me all the time, asking me, "When are you coming to Florida / LA / Georgia / Iowa / Austin / New Hampshire / Chicago / MY TOWN?"

Great question! And thanks for the ego boosting emails! But for realz, do you want me to totes come to your city this year? Then fill out this questionnaire and email the results to: survey@lilithfair.com. I've made some suggestions for you below, in parenthesis. If you do this in high enough numbers and with enough zeal and enthusiasm, you will be rewarded for your hard work by seeing me in YOUR CITY in 2011. Please do this asap! Today! It will take you 3 minutes and it will make me really happy. Thank you.

1) Who was your favorite headliner on Lilith 2010? (Whatever you want to write)

2) Which artist would you like to see headline Lilith 2011? (What ever you want to write)

3) What other Artists would you like to see on the Lilith 2011 line-up? (JESSICA DELFINO)

4) What cities and venues should Lilith visit in 2011? (Please suggest both) (YOUR CITY)

Don't forget...

THIS WEDNESDAY 12/8:

artwork by MollyButterfoss.com. Thanks Molly!

I don't mean to brag but...

Pee Wee Herman and David Cross in the same weekend. No, not a threesome, a weekend full of visual delight. (I just watched.) I even ran into Craig Baldo at Pee Wee's show, which as far as I'm concerned was *almost* as good as seeing Pee Wee himself. Pee Wee, I cancelled a show to hang with you! Thank you Lauren Oppelt, you're the greatest dresser EVER.

At the end of Pee Wee's show, he tossed his ring DIRECTLY to ME. It went INTO my hand and then bounced delicately out and onto the floor, where an elderly silver fox lady picked it up like it'd landed there for her. It was MINE salt n' pepa! MINE! She refused to make eye contact as she slid it onto her aging finger. FUCK ME. I watched her walk away all self-satisfied. Part of me wanted to say, "Excuse me -- do the right thing woman and GIVE THAT RING BACK!" But instead I let her walk away with it. Later, my friend gave me one of Pee Wee's rings, but it was not the ring I caught that was later lifted. It wasn't the one, son.

And then tonight (Sunday) Bowery Poetry Club hosted David Cross, Fred Armisen, Kristen Schaal, Amber Tamblyn, Sarah Vowell and others for Bowery does Poetry does Comedy. It was a great time and the cheese was extra stinky. For anyone who's eagerly prepared to dis BPC, stick it in your pipe, you schmoe. Bowery is an awesome venue and I'm so glad to be a part of it. It's one of the few venues who eagerly lets me sing songs about vaginas and anything else I want to eagerly sing about.

Well, tomorrow is Monday, you know what that means - back to the grind. See you all there.

PS - Listen - if you are David Sonenberg, CALL ME. We have to TALK.

Don't Be A Christmas Idiot This Year

As is tradition, many people put up Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving, and as is per tradition, this is generally when houses, or in this case and also this case, mobile homes start catching on fire. Don't do that! Don't light your house on fire this Christmas. If for some reason, your loved one accidentally burns the house down this year, the song below is for you.

As much as anyone who loses their home this way during the holidays must be glad to be alive and safe, part of them must want to just look at the person responsible and yell, "You ass-tard, all of our possessions are gone!" And that is why I wrote this song.

You can find this jam on PERFECT HOLIDAYS is out now - you can order your copy by emailing $10 (shipped in the US, $15 shipped anywhere else) to me at jess delfino at yahoo dot com, through paypal.com.

NICE JESSICA, meet NAUGHTY JESSICA

This is the artwork on the CD donated by a terrific photographer who wishes to remain nameless because he is working in America W.O.P. and is being hunted by the CIA, the KGB and his parents. JK JK lol lol

Enjoy! And don't forget to get your signed, numbered copy (only 100 made and over half are gone) of Perfect Holidays by sending $10 to jessdelfino at yahoo dot com HERE. ($15 shipped anywhere outside of the USA) And if you're itchin for some JD tonight, Thursday Dec. 2 (that's me), stop by Upright Citizen's Brigade around 6:30 PM and for $5, catch me (and a bunch of other fun people) singing all ethnically in Jena Friedman's "Refugee Girls".