I LOST THE LIGHT

My cat jumped up and knocked over my fluorescent mercury filled light the other day, breaking both my lamp and my lightbulb, spilling mercury all over my house.

After sweeping it up and probably getting mercury poisoning, I looked on Craigslist for a lamp -- that is where I find everything I need in life -- (if you don't know, I found my fiance there) -- and I found this listing offering a free original Tiffany lamp if you wrote a good poem. So I wrote this poem:

Ode To Light

by Jessica Delfino

"Light!" They say, He said out loud

"Let there be light!" He yelled out proud

And just like that, the lights turned on

And mountains came, and dusk, and dawn

And animals and bridges, too

And octopi and 2 Live Crew

And Amish people, turtles, rain

Australia, France, Chicago, Spain!

But light was somewhat primitive

Not yet a gift that we could give

At weddings or online for free

That would not come til, later, see

When Mister Edison came round

And others with a dream abound

Like Tesla and Sir Newton, too,

Ben Franklin, that whole thinking crew

They knew that sun light would not do

And fire was quite risky, too

There must, must be a better way

To light the night up like the day

They went to work and fought and learned

And countless hours of daylight burned

And finally they let there be light

Inside, outside, even at night

And now we have light everywhere,

We leave lights on without a care

My dad would yell, and say, "Woah, hey!

Don't leave the lights on, dammit! K?"

Oh, how it's changed so through the years

Been utilized, encouraged cheers

Enlightened homes, killed germs, quenched fears,

Lit up the stage for Britney Spears

Now I'll cease to pontificate

Yet, know, though switch flicks I create

Each time I smile at the sunrise

The beauty falls not on blind eyes

However, I was disappointed to receive this in reply:

Congratulations on being the runner up in our light poetry competition!
http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/zip/2538952073.html
If you would like to pick up your consolation prize of a stained glass light bulb, please get in touch as soon as the rain lets up.
xoLisa

p.s. Your poem was fantastic but my alter ego [XXXXXXXX] felt she needed to disqualify you because she knows you in real life. What are the odds?

---------

I could go on about how irritated that a person I don't know knows me and therefore disqualified me from winning a really gorgeous free light, but then, I guess you win some free Craigslist lights and you lose some free Craigslist lights.

HOW TO HAVE AN AWESOME CITY YARD SALE

(even if you have no yard)

***5 USEFUL TIPS***

Living in NYC, the term "yard sale" is thrown around somewhat loosely, as rarely anyone actually has a real yard, unless you count a square of grass with a sad little tree in it, covered in dog whiz and crumpled Poland Spring containers, just barely managing to cling to life in front of your building.

But we city people still hoard and collect too much stuff, too, even in a typical 300-500 square foot city living space, and we also want to get rid of it and make a few bucks on a lazy afternoon. So what are we to do? Well, since I've got a little pro experience with the YS, as regular yard sales have helped to subsidize every creative project I've ever indulged in, here are my tips on how to make your "yard" sale rock 'n friggin roll.

#1. Figure out the deal with the po-po. In my lower Manhattan neighborhood, it is illegal to have a yard sale. We are required to get a permit, lest we may bring in a cool tax free $50 smackers, and the gov can't have us doing those kinds of shenanigans! Since permits run from $30-$200 depending on the situation and may take up to 6 weeks to secure, just try calling the police station, ask for the permit department and try to work out a situation with the police for a one time approval to have a stinkin' yard sale. They will probably say, "No biggie" and ignore you for the day. If you don't call them first and try to just go for it, you run the risk of them showing up and ruining the party, which, in case you're not sure, is always what happens when the cops show up to the party. It's happened to me more than once and the police don't have much of a sense of humor about it. They can give you a $150 ticket or arrest you, neither of which are how anyone wants their crummy little stoop sale to turn out. So do yourself a favor and make it legit.

#2. I'm not kidding - Figure out the deal with the po-po. Tip #2 is also about the police, because you have to make sure this end is covered or else your end will be covered by some fella named Bubba in the big house. OK so maybe I'm over-exaggerating for fun and yuks. What, you don't think jail rape is funny? Fine, sorry, I'll just get to the tip. If you can't get the permit situation worked out, get a PBA card. A PBA card is a card you get from a friend who is a police officer. They will give you the card, and then if other police officers give you a hard time, you can whip it out like the "buy yourself freedom" credit card that it can be and potentially keep your lily white laurels on the mean streets and out of the cool cellars of jail town.

Disclaimer: PBA cards will not get you out of public crack smoking or that illegal bootlegging ring you're running every Wednesday and Sunday. It's really only for the little stuff, and then there's not a 100% chance it will work, so, really, the best tip of all is, just get a job and don't do a yard sale in NYC at all.

#3. Advertise. It's really simple, still, people don't really do it. Make flyers. Make posters. Hang them up in your neighborhood a few days before hand. Post the info on your blog and your FB page. Hang flyers in the coffee shop and the laundry room in your building. Put a posting on Craigslist. Tell your friends via email a few days before hand. People will come and they will give you money. Isn't that awesome? Another good trick is to put signs up near a local flea market, getting the bargain hunters who are done there and want to find a little more sweet yard sale action.

#4. Have Good Stuff To Sell. From doing yard sales for years, I know what sells. Clothing that is vintage, interesting or in good condition sells, electronics sell, sometimes vintage glassware sells but not so much. Jewelry that isn't crusty and gross sells. Books don't really sell unless they are classics or coffee table books. Your old make up and lotions and half used bottles of shampoo will not sell. Throw them away, they are garbage. Your shitty paper backs of crappy proportions will not sell. It's important to know the difference between stuff you should toss and valuables. The old saying "One man's trash is another man's treasure" is just not true. Everyone knows what trash is. It's stuff that no one will buy. Be willing to negotiate. You're not going to get a lot of money for stuff at a yard sale. Be willing to part with things for a few dollars and be willing to negotiate within reason. Obviously, don't throw away stuff that doesn't sell. Upload photos to your Ebay page instead, and charge twice as much for it.

This vintage Anna Sui dress sold today for $4 to the

lucky lady who happened to catch me in a good mood.

Though these skis are worth at least $75, I wouldn't

ask for more than $20 for them at a yard sale, and I

wouldn't put them out in a summer yard sale unless I

felt like carrying a pair of skis outside and then back inside again later.

These gorgeous vintage Italian size 8 pumps were for sale

at my yard sale for $8 today. A nice lady tried to get them

off me for $3 but I wasn't having it. So now I will upload them

to my Etsy page and I will sell them for $25 to another even nicer lady.

#5. Set Up Chairs And Bring A Guitar Outside. People are drawn to a crowd. If a few people start to gather around, others will gather, too. If you set up a few folding chairs and invite a few friends to come and drink some lemonade, pass a guitar around and enjoy the day, before you know it, the day will be over and you'll have a few hundies in your pocket.

BONUS: You are allowed to have yard sales on private property. This includes the foyer of your building, the back yard of your building, your own apartment and the side walk in front of your building as long as you are not blocking pedestrian traffic.

Happy yard saling!

Got any great yard sale tips of your own? Got a yard sale coming up in NYC? Paste your tips and info below.

Wanna come to my yard sale? Venture to the intersection of Ludlow Street and Canal Street and look around for a rack of awesome clothes and a happy lady wearing pink and playing a ukulele. I will be there for every Sunday in August if it is sunny.

So Far, So Fun

Last night was a dewy blast

and Naughty Nautical Nite continues tonight

RAIN OR SHINE

JD (left) and DD pose all pretty in the Philly Daily News

I was worried we'd get rained out as it started getting all drizzly on the ride to Philly with my buddy Ben Lerman behind the wheel. But the clouds partially parted to allow a crack of sun to shine through. Once on the boat though, actually, during my set, it downright rained for a good 5 minutes. Maybe god was crying with laughter? That's what I told myself, anyway.

At least it was rain and not that huge bar over my head that was coming down

We moved down into the hold of the ship which is huge, and hosted a really neat art show, in addition to being a great space for a nautical themed show. All the acts were great, there were a lot of people dressed as sailors and captains and pirates and stuff, and I think everyone had a really great time. But I guess I shouldn't try to speak for everyone. Maybe there were one or two sad Sallies or Steves, but ya can't please 'em all.

Dame Darcy in all her mermalicious glory

From Left: Mrs + Mr. Lord Whimsy, Jessica Delfino, Dame Darcy, Laura Baird and her cappy hubby Les

For more info about the show, check out www.gazela.org/artsfest. The Gazela is at the end of Market Street at Penn's Landing. You can park above on the ramps for $5 in quarters instead of paying $17 to park in the lot. Tickets are $20 and can be purchased in advance or at the door. Doors are at 7 PM, show is at 8 PM til 10 PM.

All hands on dick...I mean deck!

You can discreetly BYOB and snacks, and there is beer for sale by donation and iced tea for sale for $3 / cup on the boat. There is also home made ice cream for sale. It's a really gorgeous environment for a show and you can say "Arrggghh!!!" a lot and no one will care. Dame Darcy will be wearing next to nothing which is rather sexy and everyone is dressed to the oceanic 9s.

It's a good time, ye hear?

FIVE THINGS I HATE ABOUT FLORIDA

I've hated Florida my whole life. You'd think a serial killer killed me here in a past life or something, which wouldn't surprise me considering they have the highest serial killer ratio per capita according to a statistic I just made up. I have family here who I love so once a year or less I suck it up and do something else I hate doing - I fly - down to Florida to spend as little time here as one can possibly spend in a time frame requiring a round trip flight.

But why do I despise the land of giant human sized bugs so besides all the banana spiders and killers? Let's investigate.

The banana spider, shown here, is Florida's state mascot

and will kill you while you sleep, for fun

1. Every time I see a story in the news about Florida, it's about how teens killed their best friend, or how a mom killed her daughter, or how somebody killed someone. It's never about how children discovered a new species of fauna or how a dog saved a man from drowning. When the news can't even find fluff pieces here, cause too many killers be killin' people up in this bitch, we have a problem.

2. There are a lot of "people of Walmart" looking folks freely roaming the streets. Sure, there are good looking people too, I've seen upwards of 1-2 in the three days I've been here. But I've come to realize that in Florida, stripper heels are normal wear and scruffy older Bud Light hat wearing guys holding beers and singing to me are my average bar company. Does Bud Light even know about the people who wear their merchandise?

3. I am a dolphin (Delfino means dolphin in Italian) and I love the water and have since I was a kid. But even the lovely pools can't help me to shake my unshakeable inner disgust at this state. Even a gorgeous blue pool can't give this pool lover an attitude adjustment and / or some inner piece. Why, you ask? Because alligators climb into people's pools and eat them on a regular basis.

4. The highways are full of terrible drivers - people rushing to get to the dog races or go beat their wives or go to what ever other place deplorable shit heads hang out, swerving around like maniacs and cutting you off on the high way like they are practicing for a high speed chase from the police. I'm not sure if it's that people here just don't know how to drive or that people here don't just don't know how to drive sober.

I'd like to say, I love the old people here. There should really be a law that you must be over 60 to move to Florida. They are my favorite thing about this god forsaken place. But the fact that there are so many of them driving here may contribute partially to reason #4 that I hate Florida. And that makes me hate Florida even more - this state makes me afraid of the old people I normally love.

5. Start to google Florida. Don't even finish typing the word. And see what comes up:

OK, theres the lottery, the DMV, and unemployment as the top 3 - some of the most absolutely horrifying and dreaded things ever created. Doesn't that make you almost want to shed a tear? Aquarium barely makes it any better, because this whole state is a swamp. If this isn't the most deplorable, despicable place in the 50 nifty, I dare you suggest where else trumps it.

To conclude, I'll share a story that pretty much sums up my every Florida experience:

My sisters were hanging out at a bar and a man walked up to them. He reached over, grabbed the lighter off their table and said, "I'd ask you for a light, but that would be polite." He lit his cigarette, returned the lighter and said, "I'd say thank you, but then I'd be a gentleman."

My awesome hilarious sister who doesn't take no Florida BS said to him, "Listen, buddy, you can either buy us a round of drinks or get the hell outta here."

I hate Florida!

OK So I May Be A Little Late On This But...

I just have a few words to say about what is being called "the dick chop of the decade" because I made it up with my brain. Gentlemen, perhaps if you didn't refer to your dick as "junk" the ladies would treat it with a little more respect. How are we supposed to know if she even did it on purpose? Perhaps she thought it was just junk.

The moral of the story, don't call your penis junk if you don't want someone to sell it at a yard sale.

Please Put Dog Leavings Into Proper Receptacle

Which, in this park's policy, is a Chinese food container.

THINGS I AM HAPPY ABOUT RIGHT NOW

OK, so it doesn't take much to make me happy, I'd like to start off by pre-mentioning that. But I think these things are legit smile inducers.

a) First, here's a quick one, Twitter suggests you follow me:

Do what the nice people say.

b) I got to interview one of my favorite people, Mr. Paul Dinello, for Impose Magazine. Spoiler alert: Paul owns a chainsaw and knows how to use it. All the photos are taken by Alex M. Smith, and they are pretty awesome.

This has been a big week for Paul. First he got interviewed by Jessica Delfino for Impose Magazine, and then he got married.

c) Also a big week for comedic writings written by me - the review I wrote for NY Observer of Tina Fey's Bossypants also just came out. Better late than even later.

d) I'm writing this from a beach in Jersey, where I'm spending the whole week. Fingers crossed I'll run into at least one reality show celebrity. I'm really bad at recognizing famous people though, unless it's Dustin Hoffman, who I didn't even recognize at first, a friend actually pointed him out.

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

I am totally excited to have been asked to write a review of Tina Fey's Bossypants (like, 2 months ago) for the NY Observer. At long last, it is in print.

Click on the review below to enlarge and read. If not, grab yer trusty binoculars, or skip out and read it at the library. Just add it to your list of things to do and let's make it happen.

Jessica Delfino "I'm Italian" (I'll Pay You For Sex In Food)

WORLD PREMIERE FRI 7/8

OK, this is it. This is the moment the world has been waiting for. So it's not the Casey Anthony verdict, but it is a video that I made with the help of some friends for a song that I wrote. I hope you like it. I look really foxy in this video, and there are some funny parts, like a butt shake and a few visual gags that may very well literally make you gag.

Please come and support this once in a life time stunt at the Funny Girls On Film Festival, kicking off TOMORROW at 7 PM (opening party), show at 8 PM, at 138 Sullivan St., NY, NY. Wine and cheese reception to follow.

And look! We're a pick in Time Out NY! Get your tickets RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW and I'll see ya there.

Anti-Guide To Wedding Dresses

I've been on the lookout for a great wedding dress and so far, I haven't found the perfect one, but I have found a lot of things I'd never wear in a million years, and that's saying a lot, because I will wear a lot of crazy crap. If you are not very fashion-ally inclined and aren't exactly sure what to wear but you want to see a list of dresses you better be sure as hell NOT to wear, then click here.

PS: Not sure what to do for 4th of July weekend? Check out HYPERGENDER burlesque's Red White & Bruised, 10 PM, Saturday July 2nd! (tonight)

FEM"MEN"NISTS

I'd be flat out lying if I said that I didn't appreciate the amount of men who are being raised as fem"men"ists nowadays. I meet so many of these polite, sweet, well-mannered fellows, who, by the way, are not gay -- they are straight and sweet, and were raised by strong women who didn't tolerate being trashed by a husband / boyfriend / mate / fiance / etc, but instead chose a caring and responsible person to call their man. Whether their child was planned or accidental, these sons saw their mothers being treated with respect and love by their male role models. If the father was absent, no matter -- these aware mothers stood strong to the challenge, raising men who behaved and went on to treat the women they'd date right, too.

It's enough to make my head literally spin with joy! I love the idea that my younger sisters and the young girls alive today are going to have much less of a chance of being murdered by the men they love or loved at one time. Crazy but true -- some ridiculous statistic states that an insane amount of women who are murdered in the world are killed by their current or ex-lovers. There were two cases like this in my neighborhood in the past month.

However, I have to point out that as much as I love a strong man who knows how to treat a woman right, I am kind of sickened by the lack of strength in men who look to people like Lady Gaga as their role models. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate Lady Gaga and her work. But I am not sure that Lady Gaga should be serving as a role model to young men. Our youth looks up to musicians and TV stars to find inspiration and strength, but when most of their role models are fake or real gangsters, trashy crazy people and cheating politicians and movie stars, where are they to turn? Enter Lady Gaga. If that's the best we can do, we aren't doing enough.

Just watch this video and you'll see what I mean.



So in short, if you are a strong, independent, warm, kind, hard working man, consider joining Big Brothers Big Sisters and / or becoming a movie star or musician today. Though I love a sensitive man more than anyone, there's a line.

You just might be saving the world from a race of young men who are just a little too sack-less, not to mention, saving them from the humiliation of having a video of themselves like the one above floating around 10 years from now.

TRIVIA, UPCOMING

I never imagined myself hosting a trivia night, but tonight, that something I never imagined myself doing -- happened. I hosted the LES Trivia at Fontana's, sponsored by TheLoDownNY.com and The Tenement Museum and it was really fun, though some of the questions were really hard. Some friends, colleagues, acquaintances and heroes made answers - people such as Moby, Reverend Jen, Lady Gaga and Ann Magnuson (can you match the correct person to the correct title?) and many others, including David Peel and Fiorello La Guardia, who is one of my favorite mayors.

There were baby cupcakes by Sugar Sweet Sunshine which is my favorite cupcake shop in the LES - they are always really nice, really professional and their cupcakes taste good. They hit all three of their describing words in their title.

Prizes were pretty sweet too - pickles from the pickle guy, Russ and Daughters gift certificates, free tickets to the Sunshine Cinema and other goodies, as well. I even sang two songs in front of the very mixed audience. Let's see what kind of emails Traven gets tonight.

When I tell you a show is going to be fun, I'm not just saying it for craps and chuckles. Tomorrow night I'm performing in the Comedy Tech Ball as emcee which I've already told you about. On July 2nd (which is this weekend) I'm doing this:

HyperGender Burlesque

HyperGender Burlesque Presents:

Red, White and Bruised
WOW Cafe Theater
59-61 E. 4th Street, 4th floor
(btw Bowery & 2nd ave)
New York, NY 10003
F to 2nd Avenue, 6 to Astor place

July 2nd, 2011
10:00pm
$15

Host JZ Bich, the international provocateurette and hypergender
diva extraordinaire will introduce a series of sexy guests:

Jessica Delfino
Miss Em
Anja Keister
Olive Demetrius
Crimson Boudoir
Arianne Benford
&
Anti Social - the mad genius and HyperGender's resident videographer

And on Fri, July 8th at 7:30 PM, I'm doing the Funny Women On Film Festival and premiering a BRAND NEW VIDEO. Stay tuned and save the date. In the meantime, grab your tickets here: http://tinyurl.com/fgfilm

And attend here:

Soho Gallery for Digital Art

138 Sullivan St.

New York, NY

I Can Perform Gay Marriages In New York State

How cool! NY just passed gay marriage! My gay friends can now get married. It makes me so happy to be getting married next year and know that now my gay friends can get married, too.

I am officially a "high priestess" so lemme know if you want me to marry you, straight or gay, but especially if you're gay. Nothing would give me greater joy, but there may be some things out there that would give me at least equal joy.

This week is so exciting, there's so much going on. Today I spoke at the DIY Business Association Conference in Dumbo, brainchild of the very cool Amy Schroeder, and it was really terrific; so many cool and productive people out there. It was great to meet such an interesting cross section of clever creative types using their brains to pay the bills.

I've got two great shows coming up this week. This Tuesday at Fontana's in the LES, I'm emceeing a free trivia event with free food, sponsored by The LoDown and Tenement Talks:

And this Wednesday, I'm emceeing the NY Tech Comedy Ball sponsored by LaughFiend.com, which should be equally awesome. You can watch the video below to see more info.

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**

I had the pleasure and the honor and the good old fashioned general happy fun chance to be invited to give a ukulele crash course at Google last week. That's right, the Google, that thing that we all know and love, the new word in the dictionary, the place behind website where you go to learn everything from how packing peanuts are made to how long it would take you to drive to Minnesota from Poughkeepsie.

The headquarters.

I've been to Google before because I have a friend who works there, but it never gets old. The place is like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory for adult nerds. What with scooters and 5 cafeterias of just about every help yourself snack, beverage and fixin' you can imagine, it really is as close to an amusement park as a job can get without being a bona fide carnie.

Add ukuleles, and well, you've got yourself one serious party.

I taught about 35-ish or so nice brainiacs how to strum major, minor and a few 7th chords and play such seminal hits as, "She'll Be Comin' Round The Mountain When She Comes" and "Octopuses Garden". Let's see if a ukulele jam band comes out of this -- actually, the lovely woman in charge of putting it all together suggested that she was planning to start a uke schtick so delicious and loveable, I can't print it here, as the idea will promptly get stolen.

The Google Gang pauses to pose with their new ukuleles

Here's a thinker: What kind of band would you have if you could play ukulele? Would you cover Chaka Khan hits dressed in drag? Would you juggle flaming ukuleles while singing Nirvana songs backwards? Cause those both seem like a lot of fun.

If you are a corporate boss person and would like to hire me to host a ukulele event at your corporation or smaller work place or even a party, email me at jess delfino at gmail dot com. Why a corporate boss person would be reading my blog -- I don't know. But stranger things have definitely happened.

** The Google logo above was created by me, using the official Google logo, but is just being borrowed for this blog. I won't be using it as any other part of my life, just in case the Google police are curious. Isn't it pretty, though?**

Today is my Birthday

My birthday is never really a big deal. Since my family doesn't live near me and everyone was born in the summer (and maybe because my friends don't like me as much as I think they do?) if I want a party I have to throw one for myself.

The best party I had was a few years ago. The guy I was palling around with was in jail. Good times! I was sad then, but looking back I realize now, that was God's little birthday gift.

This year, I had a very small, very informal sushi dinner at my local nearby fave sushi joint. We capped off the evening by going to my pal Ben Lerman's favorite ice cream parlor, since he was the birthday boy. It wasn't his birthday, but it's kind of impossible to go anywhere with Ben without him being the birthday boy.

I think I accidentally turned off my birthday on Facebook so I doubt I'll be getting bombarded by strangers saying Happy Birthday. It's weirdly comforting, and it's shitty I screwed myself out of it. Update: I was wrong -- I'm being bombarded! Yay!

I'm on my way to get a mani / pedi that my bf bought for me for my birthday, and then I have a doctor's appointment. That's how I know I'm alive. The card he got from the spa said "Bady" treatment. I do totally need some intense treatment for my "bady".

Later tonight, I'm gonna get into a car and drive for 14 hours to go see basically my whole family, and then stay with my sister, niece and bro in law in NC for a few days.

Today is a special day indeed. Do I seem sad? Has that trademark pessimism crawled out of it's cave for a moment?

Was it able to transcend keyboard and cyber space to find it's way atop this blog post?

Pay it no mind, it will do what it does and crawl back down into it's hole before the first coat of paint is dry on my toe nails.

The icing on my non-existent birthday cake, however, I must say is this awesome video I found today, and the great news that Mr. Gordon Lightfoot is playing in NYC on Sept. 12, 2011. I will be there if I have to wrestle tickets out of someone's granny's hands. If you don't know what to get me for my birthday, well, now you do.

And so for my birthday, a gift for you -- enjoy!

Foodie At Heart

Which is probably why my heart is acting like an asshole, doing a random flutter thing whenever I drink alcohol or eat rich, scrumptious food or junk, including -- gasp -- chocolate. I've had it checked out a bunch of times and *supposedly* I'm OK. I also read (on the internet, googling symptoms, in my spare time hobby of being a hypochondriac) it was related to dehydration and a magnesium deficiency, oddly, no doctor ever suggested I drink more water or take magnesium.

So anyway, yes ma'am, I've pretty much had to give up fudge and booze, among other things. But I'm not going to sit around crying and lamenting complex carbohydrates and preservatives just yet. I've been doing some lengthy research instead, looking for delicious and healthy snacks to replace the sweets and junk I love so much.

My friend David suggested this great recipe involving frozen nanas and blueberries, a bit of non-dairy creamer, a cup of protein powder and a few drops of sucralose, garnish with sprinkles.

I have modified and added to David's recipe to make it more my own, and I call it:

******

Frozen Treat

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Ingredients:

* 1/2 frozen banana (for best results, buy ripe bananas, peel, break in half and immediately freeze in containers to have on hand as you need them)

* 1 c. strawberries OR blueberries OR pineapple (buy in bags in freezer section of grocery store)

* 2/3 serving cup vanilla soy protein powder

* 1/2 tsp Spirulina

* 1/2 tsp Raspberry flavored Natural Calm (magnesium supplement)

* 1/4 tsp cinnamon

* 1/4 cup Silk brand / soy dairy creamer

If it isn't sweet enough for you, add some agave. All these ingredients are available at your local food co-op or Whole Foods, etc.

Mix powders and creamer first, add fruit later. You should have a really rich and thick consistency frozen treat by the end which you can spoon into a cup, garnish with unsweetened coconut flakes and sprinkles. EN-joy.

******

I've been eating this treat after yoga. Yes, I admit, I gaily do yoga just about daily. Judge me. My ass is starting to look way hot and my core is rock hard, bitches. My thighs are starting to take on the shape of lean lincoln logs and my arms are starting to look like Madonna's. Frozen Treat TM is healthy, filling, naturally sweet and really satisfying, especially on a hot day. If I had known that eating healthy and working out was going to be so much fun, I would have been doing it with such zest and zeal all along, instead of stuffing my face with junk food like my kitchen is a 24 hour buffet restaurant.

Luckily, my metabolism has been OK, and even cramming my gullet full of whatever creepy ingredients I've felt like for most of my life hasn't made me fill out like the puffer fish I should be by now. If you don't believe me, check out my photo album below of the meals I've partaken in. Yes, I photograph all my meals, as if they're celebrities I'm proud to be standing next to.

White asparagus and wasabi greens, prepared by chef Kurt Gutenbrunner, of Wallze, et al. Even though to me, this meal looks way phallic and perhaps slightly homo-erotic, I ate the dickens out of it. Pun intended.

A Saturday night in, with Ms. Puss, a Yiddish book and a pile of rice and kale with tomato and nutritional yeast and a Modelo to wash it down. (before I stopped drinking)

Rachel Kramer Bussel joins me for tea and crepes, apple slices and almond butter. Yes, I know, I live in a fantasy world.

In the process of making vegan sugar cookies with Mother Theresa on them for an Easter party.

Here, I decorated them by painting food coloring on with a kitchen paint brush and dipping them in non-pareils. Go ahead, call me "the Van Gogh of the kitchen."

With love (and diabetes), from Jessica.

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THIS IS HAPPENING

On Saturday day, a really fun event is happening on 10th St. between 1st and 2nd Aves. Theater for the New City has an annual street fair and festival which is free and open to the public with dozens of street vendors and a large outdoor stage / seating. Inside is free programming, as well, all weekend long. Some is awesome, some is weird, but it's all interesting and free.

I'm performing outside on Saturday along with my friends Jena Friedman, The Vinegar Works band, Stone and Stone and a few others. Come and say howdy.

Sunday night, I'm performing in the Zombie Crawl after party at Public Assembly as my zombie alter ego, presenting 2 new zombie songs for people to love, loathe and / or learn from, as is usually the outcome of my music. I may have some special guest zombie back up dancers on hand. Also on hand -- Our Lady of Perpetual PMS and G.L.O.B: Gorgeous Ladies of Bloodwrestling. Ya don't wanna miss THAT.

Zombie Crawl After Party

Public Assembly

70 North 6th Street

Brooklyn, NY 11211

(718) 384-4586

See you there care bears...

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Wayne Federman

on Jessica Delfino Show #11

The archive isn't coming up yet but check back later to see if it comes up. Catch Wayne live in the UK at the Uke Fest of Great Britain, June 17 & 18, 2011.

Talking points:

Wayne Federman (Wikipedia.com)

Ukelele Festival of Great Britain (Official Website)

Princess's Toilet Seat Hat Sells for $131,000 (Reuters.com)

All the shows that start with Larry (Google.com)

See you tomorrow, 10 am at www.GabCast.tv - Anything Goes channel.

Jessica Delfino Show #10 (Friday)

Strange Love #10 (Monday)

Jessica Delfino Show #11 (Today at 1:15)

On Friday, I spoke live and in person with the terrific and funny Elliot Aronow who runs a music website which is pretty bad ass. Check out out "interview" here.

For our talking points, we sorta made them up as we went along, but here are some of the show's links:

The 19 Best Unintentionally Sexual Church Signs (SomeEcards.com)

RCRDLBL.com (Elliot's Music Website)

This morning, I had the utmost pleasure of speaking with our call in guest John Bowe, author, journalist and writer. I enjoyed speaking with him very much! He's got that je nais cest quai charm that people like myself can't help but fall for. You can watch the show here.

Today's talking points:

The love story behind the song Brandy, You're A Fine Girl (Wikipedia.com)

More on the real life woman the song was based on (WeirdNJ.com)

Unrequited Love Is Bad For Your Health (University of Wisconsin - Madison News)

US: American's Talk About Love (John Bowe's Book on Amazon.com)

Kokology Plays Self Discovery Games With Your Brain (CNN.com)

John Bowe on GabCast.tv

John's website

Song of the day: Iggy Pop "Sweet 16"

See you later today at 1:15 PM with Wayne Federman, "Anything Goes" channel at www.GabCast.tv.

The Jessica Delfino Show #10

Check out my interview (more like a chit chat, really) with the fabulous, fashionable, handsome Elliot Aronow from RCRDLBL.com. Ladies, he's sssssingle....and so funny and cute! Watch him talk and maybe win your heart? HERE NOW.

See you on Monday with some more guests. 10 AM. Anything Goes channel. www.gabcast.tv