SINGLE ON INTERSCOPE DIGITAL DISTRIBUTION

If it's too much for you to splurge on my entire "I Wanna Be Famous" album, I've got an idea -- why not just get your hands on one of the hot singles off the CD? Sure, you've heard "Magic" and "Famous" but how about a lesser known hit that takes pop by the short and curlies and gives it the what for? Enter: "I Wish I Was An Ice Queen".

It's about something many of us can relate to, and that is wishing we could turn off feelings we have for 'the wrong one'.

Check it out HERE

Happy New Year, welcome 20 double one, and let all our bygones be bygones. It's a new year and that means it's time for new thoughts, new ideas, new dreams, new magic and new newness.

If you're still looking for something fun to do, might I suggest W & B Airlines where I'll be playing a raucous music set at 230 am? wandbnyc.com

Sex Tips From Cosmo

If you need to get sex tips from Cosmopolitan Magazine, you are either 10 or in really bad mental shape. Perhaps you have been locked in a basement for the last decade of your life and are just now emerging, horny and ready to mingle. Reading Cosmo sex tips was kind of like listening to Lady Gaga's CD. It was severely disappointing and I think it gave me a little bit of brain damage. Why did I listen to it / read the sex tips, you ask? Because I'm curious to a fault.

OK! So some of the sex tips involved things like, "blow on his penis", "lick his penis with your tongue", and detailed instructions on how to masturbate a man with a circumsized penis. In all fairness, this was an issue from 2009 and hopefully we've all matured since then, but, who doesn't know by now that putting a man's thing-a-ma-jig in your mouth makes him happy? I decided, perhaps I should write my own sex tips column for people, because I've had sex once. So here goes. By the way, sadly, this is how I get most of my ideas - reading other people's attempts at them and thinking, "I could do better than that." It's a sad way to live, but I didn't ask to be born.

SEX TIPS:

1. Do not under any circumstances put any penises into anything that grinds, chops or cuts. Most men save goth types do not like this, unless afterwards you are willing to tenderly fellate them.

2. Apparently, men love having ice or food rubbed onto their penis according to Cosmo. So might I suggest baking up a nice hot dish of Linguini with Clam Sauce and leaving it in the oven so it stays warm. Get your man to close his eyes and dump the entire square of food down his pantalones. Mush it around so it really gets in there, haul his jammies down, pull out his wang and just go to town on it, mowwing it up and down like a corn on the cob, typewriter style, not stopping until you've devoured every last morsel of pasta from his groinal area. Can anyone say, sexy time?

3. Men also love having their balls played with, according to Cosmo. How about throwing your guy through a loop and dipping his boys in a cold cup of Pepsi (or Fresca if you're watching your figure) and then suck the droplets of cool soda off of them with a straw? THEY LOVE THIS! You weren't expecting that, now were ya, Pedro?

4. They say that all men would love to have a menage a trois (that's spanish for anal sex), but what self-respecting woman really wants to share her man's dingaling with one of her trampy friends (Celeste) ? Enter: solution. Help him fuck a melon. It's as simple as that. First carve a hole out of the melon, not too big or he'll think the melon is a slut. Not too small or he'll get really insulted. Put some lipstick around the hole to make it look like lips. If you have a wig, pin it to the top of the melon. Sprouts or a skein of yarn will also do in a pinch. Next time your fella is puttin' the moves on you, tell him "Hold on, big boy - I brought company." Ask him if it's OK. As soon as he says yes, which he may do cautiously to pretend like he's not into it in case you get mad, tell him to close his eyes and just put the melon hole directly onto his melon rod, like a roll of paper towels onto a paper towel holder. He won't know what hit him. Send all thank you cards to: Jessica Delfino, c/o Catholic League, NY, NY 10019.

5. Last, but not least, this one is called the old switcherroo. If you are dating a caucasian man, you will need a brown marker, and if you are dating a brown man, you won't need to do this trick. Simply tell your guy, you've always wanted to know what it would be like to have sex with an African American man. This is going to put him off at first, because he knows that by "African American man" you mean "guy with a bigger dick than you". But it's OK, he'll calm down as soon as you tell him that tonight, you're both going to pretend to be African American. Show him your vagina area, which you've pre-colored with brown marker, and then slowly, intimately color his penis with a brown marker, never breaking eye contact. Erection of his life, guaranteed. When you are finished, have sex with him. Be sure to use a Sharpie or permanent marker for best results.

Now THERE are some sex tips for ya. I'm sick of Cosmo treating us all like we have just recently discovered this thing you call schlong. Have fun and BE SAFE. Only have sex with DOCTORS.

HOW TO HELP KEEP DIRTY FOLK ROCK ALIVE FOREVER

It's been a great year together - let's make 20 double 1 even better

For a good handful of years now, I've been writing demented songs that have put smiles and / or frowns on your faces and the faces of people close to you. I've been publicly denounced by the US Catholic League, I've traveled the world and rocked your town / city / state / country. I've entertained you and horrified your parents / neighbors / religious leaders. And what an utter blast it has been.

I don't have a big powerful music label behind me supporting what I do. Everything I do is paid for by me. All the press I get - I get it for me. All the songs I write are written by me, not the hit factory or Dr. Luke. Even my CDs are designed by me, I drew that unicorn you see. I am a one woman band / business. It's a great way to live my life and I'm thrilled to be able to eat / drink and survive this way, but I do have help -- I have generous friends and fans out there who keep buying my demented CDs and egging me on.

Thank you so much for doing that. Please don't stop. Here are some ways that you can help keep dirty folk rock rocking forever, and some ways don't cost even one cent.

1. Buy CDs / mp3s. I get most of the money from any iTunes / ReverbNation / paypal sales. I love you for doing this.

2. Tell your friends about my music. Share your CDs. Send them to friends for birthdays and holidays and to soldiers in Iraq, strangers you hate, give them out to homeless people or your friends who work in entertainment. If you are a big shot, hire me to write a song for your movie or to play at your kid's bat mitzvah or to be in some TV show you're producing. I promise to be awesome.

3. If you ever see an article or piece of press about me, like it, share it through Facebook, Twitter, your blog, etc. Comment on it. Say anything at all - say there is a monkey robbing cookies out of your cabinet, I don't care. Just comment. Let the world know that people (you) are reading and paying attention when they write about me.

4. Email me and invite me to perform at shows / events that you know about. Tell me about your friends / relatives who produce / book festivals / TV shows / etc. Introduce me to them via email.

5. Donate to my PayPal in any amount - $1 or $1000. The money in my PayPal account goes directly back into my music and performing. You can do that at jess delfino at yahoo dot commmm through http://www.paypal.com/.

6. Come to my shows and bring friends.

7. Read my blog every day. Send the link to friends. "Follow" the blog. This shows bigger labels (read: people with money) that I have a following - YOU.

8. Collaborate with me - let's make a video, write a song together, try something new. This broadens the output of what we make for both of us.

9. Keep loving my dirty mouth and encouraging me -- this makes me want to write new songs for you and never stop making the world an even more deliciously twisted place.

If you do any of those things, I will be able to sing dirty delicious demented funny songs for the rest of my life, which is the goal.

Thank you a million.

PERFECT HOLIDAYS NOW ON iTUNES!!

A Merry hopefully not scary Happy Christmas and holiday season to you and yours. What are you guys gonna be for Christmas this year? A Nancy homemaker, trimming the tree and house to Martha-like perfection? A black sheep uncle, kicking the living room table over and telling everyone what you really think of them? The well-behaved college aged kid who returns home on time expecting a car in the driveway with a bow on top -- and getting it? A stoner who eats all the rum balls and passes out on top of a pile of coats in the bedroom?

All are acceptable options.

Should you need a holiday soundtrack, might I suggest, "Perfect Holidays", now available on iTunes?

In a little write up on NY Press, they said of it, "Jessica Delfino has a new album out today and it features "Christmas Idiot," which has to be our favorite new holiday song." Check out what else NY Press said about it here.

And have yourself a Merry Juana Christmas...right now.

PONGO POWER FUNNY FITNESS SHOW

What a fun show, and I like Union Hall, too. Not every venue is fun to perform in and not every venue treats performers nicely (free drinks, food discounts, good sound, competent & friendly staff) but Union Hall is definitely at the top of my BK venues list after tonight. Erzsi looked stunning in her gold halter skirt and everyone made me laugh.

If you missed the show, boooo on you, you are lazy or had something else going on. But here is a segment of my set: It's a few dieting tips to help you get into shape butt fast. Implement them or be fat.

1. Buy a digital scale that measures points like 120.8 pounds and here is the fun part: weigh yourself every few minutes to see if you’ve gained or lost any weight. Write the number down on a piece of paper and carry it with you, charting your points of pounds over the course of the day.

2. Tell people you are on a diet so that people know and can refrain from sharing their chocolate and cake with you. It’s not enough to simply say, “I’m on a diet”, you have to yell it out really loudly for everyone to hear, for example, at a restaurant or Bat Mitzvah. That way people can feel insecure about not being as healthy as you and you can feel like you’re taking control of your weight.

3. Drink 8 gallons of water every day. Some people say to drink 8 glasses, but these people are total wooses. Not only will you gain weight just from lifting a gallon up to your mouth all the time, but you’ll be drinking so much water your stomach will break, and it’s hard to eat with a broken stomach, and it’s hard to gain weight if you can’t eat.

4. Have a red flag weight: When you do the three items above, melting off virtually hundreds of pounds in only a matter of weeks, you will love your new thin self so much that you will want to stay thin forever. That is why you have to have a red flag – a weight that you pick that will set you into diet mode high alert. What’s your red flag weight? Mine is 96 pounds.

Visit Erzsi's Pongo Power.com or her fitness center by the same name located in Park Slope and ask her about getting your rotund rear into shape.

***Oh, and where can you see me next? Great question. Pop into Otto's Shrunken Head THIS SAT 6 pm - 10 pm and snag a few of my home-made tampon ornaments ($5) or demented holiday cards ($3). I may even sing a few songs for you (free).***

NEXT DELFINO APPEARANCE:

Thurs. 12/16 - Funny Fitness

Pongo Power presents: Funny Fitness

Tomorrow (Thursday) Dec. 16 @ 8:30 PM

Union Hall

702 Union St.

Erzsi Pongo hosts an eclectic collection of comedians in Park Slope such as Victor Varnado, Ben Lerman, Liam McEneaney and Claudia Cogan. Erzsi who has a background in comedy and performed around NYC for several years took her knowledge and love of fitness and opened her own fitness center in Park Slope called Pongo Power. Her business savvy and independence inspire and motivate me. She's a sweet gal and she knows how to work and play hard hard hard. And she's wicked buff, too.

So come to the show, n' shit.

Facebook Invite

Buy Tickets

Erzsi's Website / Pongo Power

TONIGHT

Bowery Pop Up Store opens 6 PM +

BTK Band set @ 9 PM

It's another busy night in Delfino land where there is no rest for the retarded. I clearly take on too much but I feel that is why I'm in NYC. When I'm old and decrepit I can look back on these days and hopefully not kick myself for not spending more time with my family or whatever.

6 PM: BPC's cafe is being turned into a makeshift holiday pop up shop. Come buy some indie hand crafted holiday goods including jewelry, cards, ornaments, shrines and more, all home made. Also, enjoy the art opening with works by Sam Jablon. If you have crafts to sell, please get in touch asap. jess delfino at yahoo dot commmm. For more info about the pop up shop, visit www.craftermathnyc.blogspot.com.

9 PM: While the BPC pop up shop will go until at least 8 PM, to be followed by Bingo, and possibly stay open into the weee hours (midnight), I'll head over to Under St. Marks to do a nice leisurely demented song set with BTK band. Come join the merry. They combine storytelling, improvisation and live music, so that's guaranteed to be nifty.

This is funny - I'm filming a segment for Bravo TV today with one of the Real Housewives. I'll let you know how it goes.

See you after a while, crocodiles.

THIS SUNDAY

The Continuing Story of Carla Rhodes

with special guest: ME

@ Arlene's Grocery, 8 PM

and BUSHWICK BAZAAR in Bushwick, Brooklyn

3 PM

If you haven't seen "The Continuing Story of Carla Rhodes" yet, get your booty out the door and check it out this Sunday. It's a great show full of puppetry, full band-itry and drinkery. Arrive early or stand in the back! I'll do a small piece in Carla's show at 8 PM and then do a whole solo set later at 9 PM. I hope to see your (smiling, frowning or otherwise) face there.

For some early afternoon fun, head over to Bushwick Bazaar. What is it, you ask? Well let me elaborate with the creator's own scribe (NOTE: FREE BEER). Also, I will be doing tarot readings and may sing some songs.

On Sunday December 12 at 3pm, the BUSHWICK BAZZAR will be riddled with this and that; cool people, art, crafts, local food, FREE BEER, and evening musical and comedy performances. You can also get your tarot read and maybe find out what your life's been missing...

BUSHWICK BAZAAR is located at 1342 Dekalb, near the intersection of Dekalb/Central/Myrtle (The Devils Palm) - it's a brand new space that needs to be filled with creators, creatives, performers and teachers.

Do me a quick favor...

People write to me all the time, asking me, "When are you coming to Florida / LA / Georgia / Iowa / Austin / New Hampshire / Chicago / MY TOWN?"

Great question! And thanks for the ego boosting emails! But for realz, do you want me to totes come to your city this year? Then fill out this questionnaire and email the results to: survey@lilithfair.com. I've made some suggestions for you below, in parenthesis. If you do this in high enough numbers and with enough zeal and enthusiasm, you will be rewarded for your hard work by seeing me in YOUR CITY in 2011. Please do this asap! Today! It will take you 3 minutes and it will make me really happy. Thank you.

1) Who was your favorite headliner on Lilith 2010? (Whatever you want to write)

2) Which artist would you like to see headline Lilith 2011? (What ever you want to write)

3) What other Artists would you like to see on the Lilith 2011 line-up? (JESSICA DELFINO)

4) What cities and venues should Lilith visit in 2011? (Please suggest both) (YOUR CITY)

Don't forget...

THIS WEDNESDAY 12/8:

artwork by MollyButterfoss.com. Thanks Molly!

I don't mean to brag but...

Pee Wee Herman and David Cross in the same weekend. No, not a threesome, a weekend full of visual delight. (I just watched.) I even ran into Craig Baldo at Pee Wee's show, which as far as I'm concerned was *almost* as good as seeing Pee Wee himself. Pee Wee, I cancelled a show to hang with you! Thank you Lauren Oppelt, you're the greatest dresser EVER.

At the end of Pee Wee's show, he tossed his ring DIRECTLY to ME. It went INTO my hand and then bounced delicately out and onto the floor, where an elderly silver fox lady picked it up like it'd landed there for her. It was MINE salt n' pepa! MINE! She refused to make eye contact as she slid it onto her aging finger. FUCK ME. I watched her walk away all self-satisfied. Part of me wanted to say, "Excuse me -- do the right thing woman and GIVE THAT RING BACK!" But instead I let her walk away with it. Later, my friend gave me one of Pee Wee's rings, but it was not the ring I caught that was later lifted. It wasn't the one, son.

And then tonight (Sunday) Bowery Poetry Club hosted David Cross, Fred Armisen, Kristen Schaal, Amber Tamblyn, Sarah Vowell and others for Bowery does Poetry does Comedy. It was a great time and the cheese was extra stinky. For anyone who's eagerly prepared to dis BPC, stick it in your pipe, you schmoe. Bowery is an awesome venue and I'm so glad to be a part of it. It's one of the few venues who eagerly lets me sing songs about vaginas and anything else I want to eagerly sing about.

Well, tomorrow is Monday, you know what that means - back to the grind. See you all there.

PS - Listen - if you are David Sonenberg, CALL ME. We have to TALK.

Don't Be A Christmas Idiot This Year

As is tradition, many people put up Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving, and as is per tradition, this is generally when houses, or in this case and also this case, mobile homes start catching on fire. Don't do that! Don't light your house on fire this Christmas. If for some reason, your loved one accidentally burns the house down this year, the song below is for you.

As much as anyone who loses their home this way during the holidays must be glad to be alive and safe, part of them must want to just look at the person responsible and yell, "You ass-tard, all of our possessions are gone!" And that is why I wrote this song.

You can find this jam on PERFECT HOLIDAYS is out now - you can order your copy by emailing $10 (shipped in the US, $15 shipped anywhere else) to me at jess delfino at yahoo dot com, through paypal.com.

NICE JESSICA, meet NAUGHTY JESSICA

This is the artwork on the CD donated by a terrific photographer who wishes to remain nameless because he is working in America W.O.P. and is being hunted by the CIA, the KGB and his parents. JK JK lol lol

Enjoy! And don't forget to get your signed, numbered copy (only 100 made and over half are gone) of Perfect Holidays by sending $10 to jessdelfino at yahoo dot com HERE. ($15 shipped anywhere outside of the USA) And if you're itchin for some JD tonight, Thursday Dec. 2 (that's me), stop by Upright Citizen's Brigade around 6:30 PM and for $5, catch me (and a bunch of other fun people) singing all ethnically in Jena Friedman's "Refugee Girls".

"I'm Italian" LIVE

at In The Flesh, NYC

This little ethnic gem will be sure to give you gas. In this song, I talk about the importance of respecting my Italian culture and incorporating it into my act, via instruction from my manager. (filmed at Rachel Kramer Bussel's fabulous In The Flesh show) Check it out:

ALSO! My holiday CD, "PERFECT HOLIDAY" is out NOW. You can order it digitally or hard copy, through me. There are only 100 copies in all of existence, and many have been pre-ordered but I still have a few left, so get yours now! The orders go out this week and will be to you before Christmas. Each copy is signed, numbered and has all the lyrics and original artwork drawn by me. Also -- sexy santa alert -- HOT HOLIDAY photos of ME. Can anyone say Christmas cleavage?

Sorry shoppers, the only way to order is via PAYPAL, so send your $10 in, which includes shipping ($15 UK + anywhere else) to jessdelfino@yahoo.com before Rudolph takes a holiday dump on your dreams.

Shipping Options

shipped to US $10.00 shipped to UK $15.00 shipped anywhere else $15.00

ECNY TIME

If you like my musical comedy stylings, please be sure to go onto the Emerging Comedians Awards nomination form and nominate me for BEST MUSICAL COMEDIAN. This is going to be a tough one, as there are lots of great musical peeps out there. You can also nominate SKITS'N'TITS for BEST VARIETY SHOW!

Thanks buddies!

Wanna hear a track from my new holiday EP,

"Perfect Holidays?"

OK...I can never say no to you. Click RIGHT HERE and be transported to a place where the holidays are always perfect (well, my Reverb Nation page, but whatever). And if you like that shit, don't forget to BUY it (instructions on how to purchase below). Make a Merry Christmas for me! I only made 100 of these CDs. There are still some left -- when there are no more left I will let the world know, BELIEVE me.

In the meantime, please enjoy, "You Really Fu(%#d Up This Time".

JD holiday CD "PERFECT HOLIDAYS" is done!

+ ORDER INSTRUCTIONS

Are you dreaming of the dreams set into your head by corporate sugarplum fairies, promising you the bestest holiday ever? With piles of gifts and toys, terrific people who are kind and loving, on a day where the spiced egg nog flows like wine, and the wine flows like wine, too, not because it needs to to keep you from losing your sanity, but because it is nice to relax with loved ones?

[record skipping sound] Well, get with the program, sister or Mister, holidays aren't like that and haven't been since Norman Rockwell's 1950s. This holiday, grasp Murphy's Law by the balls and twirl it around like a lasso, trying hard not to knock over the tree or peg granny in the torso. We are going to celebrate a series of PERFECT HOLIDAYS, even if we have to FORCE them to be that way.

PERFECT HOLIDAYS is Jessica Delfino's third produced CD. It is an EP with 5 songs and 10 tracks, in total. It's short and sweet, the way I hope all our holidays are. And the back cover is TO. DIE. FOR. Just like your sins.

INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO ORDER YOUR COPY OF PERFECT HOLIDAYS

1. There are only 100 copies of PERFECT HOLIDAYS in production and many of them were pre-ordered. However, relax! There are still some copies left. Each copy comes with artwork drawn by ME, signed and numbered. These CDs make a great gift for any bitter friends, dark humored relatives or Jessica Delfino fans. To order YOURS TODAY, go to www.paypal.com and LOG IN. If you don't have an account, create one. It's safe, fast, easy and free.

2. Click on SEND MONEY.

3. In the "SEND" box, type the email address: jess delfino at yahoo dot com (replacing at with @, and dot with an actual "dot" - ".") (Sorry if you feel overly instructed, these instructions are meant to be idiot proof.)

4. In the "AMOUNT" box, enter: $10 if you are in the USA. This includes shipping. Enter $15 if you are ANYWHERE ELSE. This includes shipping. You can put more than $10 or $15 if you are rich or generous.

5. This is a purchase of "GOODS" so mark it as that.

6. Click "CONTINUE"

7. Review your payment. Click "SEND MONEY"

8. Sit back and wait for your "PERFECT HOLIDAYS" CD to arrive at your door step, which will be by Dec. 1, 2010. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

I wish there were other ways to order the CD. Songs may be up on iTunes in a few, let's see what happens. Also, I may get a payment processing thingy through my website if PayPal freaks you out. But I've ordered hundreds of things through PayPal and nothing bad has ever happened. Also, I'm trust worthy and I don't have the means or brains to steal your credit card information, nor do I want your bad credit and debt.

Thanks so much for those of you who are encouraging me to be demented for a living! Damn, I have a fun life.

Doesn't Ebay know...

...that "hot" means stolen? I mean, come on -- what large corporation, mid-sized web outfit or small time hustler does not know this? Did this gear fall off a truck? Is that why it's so cheap this holiday, Ebay, or why shipping is free? I have a holiday prediction: somebody in marketing is either gettin' fired or gettin' a raise.

TONIGHT: IN THE FLESH sex comedy show

*with free cupcakes*

Comedy Sex Night November 18th at In The Flesh, tonight, all you sexy hump monsters! Info below, see yas there.

FB invite:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=114887405233431

Site listing:
http://inthefleshreadingseries.blogspot.com/2010/10/comedy-sex-night-november-18th-next-in.html

IN THE FLESH EROTIC READING SERIES
COMEDY SEX NIGHT
November 18, 2010, 8:00 pm - 10 pm
AT HAPPY ENDING LOUNGE, 302 BROOME STREET, NYC
(B/D to Grand, J/M/Z to Bowery, F to Delancey or F/V to 2nd Avenue, http://www.happyendinglounge.com)
Between Forsyth & Eldridge. Look for the hot pink awning that says "XIE HE Health Club."
Admission: Free
Happy Ending Lounge: 212-334-9676
http://www.inthefleshreadingseries.com

Our popular Comedy Sex Night returns! Featuring Marty Beckerman, Sara Benincasa, Kim Brittingham, Carolyn Castiglia, Jessica Delfino, Matt Koff, Sara Schaefer and Mandy Stadtmiller, Jacquetta Szathmari and Elon James White. Plus special guests! Hosted by Rachel Kramer Bussel (Fast Girls, Orgasmic, Passion). 5 copies of the book Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk and 1 copy of The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex will be given away. 100 free copies of Sexis Magazine will be distributed. Free Baked by Melissa cupcakes, candy and chips will be served. This is the countdown to the final In The Flesh December 16th so don't miss a very special night!

There'll be free cupcakes and chips and cookies and snacks. Arrive by 7:30 if you want a seat.

Hey all you a$$holes come and listen to us...

Keith and the Girl, episode 1294 with Tom McCaffrey and me-self up now, check it out, if you dare or care, or like to share. It is a really funny episode. I LOL'd through the whole thing. I hope I don't sound like a jackalous hyena, but I'm sure I do. I'll listen to it again later and judge myself so you don't have to.

JD ON TV once again

Yes, it's just a couple momentary flashes of me via my side face and / or bright electric blue pantaloons, yes, it's short and sweet, and yes, it's on cable television which I know many of you don't have or don't watch, even if you do have it. However, it's exciting to me, and it's for a cool fun new product which I actually WANT and therefore, did not feel as though I was selling my soul to the devil or sucking corporate you-know-what. Not to mention we really had a blast filming this commercial, because it was made with a buncha friends, including Carolyn Castiglia and other familiar faces of comedy. Directed / written by Bex Schwartz for VH1 / Microsoft / the video game Dance Central. Fun fact: We used to be in a band together a long time ago with Shauna Lane called, "Hot Little Pieces of Ass". Ah, the good old days.

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

GROSSMALERMAN

Here's the video from that shoot I did a few weeks ago with all those awesome people I told you about, Guy Richards Smit + crew. It was lots of fun and we have since also shot a 2nd episode. But here is the first one, up on FunnyOrDie.com, for you to peep your peepers upon:

GROSSMALERMAN! EPISODE 1 - watch more funny videos

And pre-order a Christmas CD! I have a dream that all 100 of these babies will sell. Let me have my Christmas miracle, will ya? You can pay via paypal.com ($10 shipped anywhere in the US, $15 shipped anywhere in the world) or you can write a check / money order. Email for more details - jessdelfino at yahoo dot com.

We are also looking into some digital distribution options, more details TBA.

Finally: This Thursday will be my last performance in NYC before I go on a 10 day hiatus and road trip, finishing my CD and doing a few shows out of town. Performances this week include:

Today, Tue: I'll be on www.katg.com podcast at 3ish PM.

Tmrw, Wed: I'll be on Alexis Guererros' Entertaining the Barback at Angels & Kings, 8 PM.

Thursday: I'll be at Rachel Kramer Bussel's In The Flesh at Happy Ending, 7 PM.

Then lots of fun stuff is coming up in December, including Skits'N'Tits 2 year anniversary show Dec. 8, Arlene's Grocery with Carla Rhodes Dec. 12, (and that will also be my official CD release party), and lots more crazy shit, so keep in touch and read the blog and my website for more info.

UPDATE on HOLIDAY LP

I'm feeling really excited about this new LP peeps. I have been working very hard on it and it sounds awesome. It's one of the first things I've done in awhile that I'm truly proud of. Remember, there are only 100 of these CDs being made and they are truly unique and special. The 5 songs on the CD are brand new never been heard funny songs about the holidays in my Jessica Delfino style - and get this - albeit demented, they are actually fun (read: clean enough) for the whole family! No shit. That means granny and the kids can hear them as well. They are selling like warm muffins so get yours before they're all gone. Pre order happening NOW o'clock.

These puppies will ship out the last week of November in time for the Jewish stuffs.

If you live in NYC, you are invited to the ordinary Christmas spectacular listening event. More info TBA.

Info below, reposted from my FB page:

Limited Release Jessica Delfino holiday CD with all new demented songs for your holiday party fun! Pre-Order today at paypal.com: jess delfino at yahoo dot com. $10 includes shipping anywhere in the USA. $15 for the UK / rest of the world. Will arrive first week of December (in time for Hanukkah)

Now taking pre-orders for

ALL NEW

limited edition Jessica Delfino HOLIDAY RELEASE CD!

$10 includes shipping anywhere in US

$15 includes shipping anywhere in UK / the world

This is the first new CD I've put out in over 2 years - since "I Wanna Be Famous". I'm into the holiday spirit this year and have been inspired to make this new CD with holiday themed, really demented songs. If you like what I do, you will love this CD. Each CD comes with Jessica Delfino original artwork, and is numbered and signed. There are only 100 of these CDs, so order yours today in time for Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, or some other fun holiday you celebrate instead of the ones that everyone else celebrates, Witchmas or what have you. Don't forget to include your name and address on your order, as well as any special instructions (extra licks to the envelope, etc).

CDs will be sent out first week of December so you will get them in time for Hanukkah.

Right now the only option for pre-orders is through Paypal, but that may change so keep checking back here and on the Jessica Delfino Facebook page for updates. Send $10 (US) or $15 (rest of the world) to: jess delfino at yahoo dot com using www.paypal.com.

Other Jessica Delfino style holiday fun includes the handmade ornaments I make out of tampy tampons. It may seem gross and weird, and it kind of is. But they're also pretty funny. I make little mini Christmas tress and little mini star of Davids. They are lovely and sick. $5 on my Ebay page: Den of Delfino. You can read more about my craft endeavors and craftivism on my craft group's blog, "Craftermath NYC".

COCKTOBER

Holy hair cut, the rest of this month is going to be an everlasting gobstopper with shows up the yin AND the yang. Saturday night at 10 PM at the nutty yet adorable Theater 80, (80 St. Marks, NYC) join me for Jena Friedman's Refugee Girls Revue if you haven't already seen it. It's a musical political satire with boys wearing skirts and us all singing our esophaguses out.

On Sunday, be one of us at the Halloween Freakfest at Tompkins "Scare" Park, 2 pm til dusk. Us chickens will be singing, dancing and necromancing on the stage and show provided and produced by Our Lady of Perpetual PMS. This free show features a bunch of solid freaks, 100% guaranteed or your money back, bitch.

After that, I'll be skyping on into the Galway Comedy Festival alongside Neil Hamburger and others. It's gonna be internationally, internetically awesome. I will be able to perform from the comfort of my own home. I LOVE THE INTERNET.

Finally, I'll close out my weekend with a set of some experimental brand spankzy new material at Three of Cups on RG Daniel's show, which if I'm not mistaken is at 8 in the pizza. That's what the kids say now instead of PM. They say, hey, wanna come over for dinner? My mom's cooking Hamburger Helper around 8 in the pizza. Because kids are stupid because their brains are still forming.

There's a lot of other stuff also going on the rest of this month, including the Rejection Show "Cease and Decist" next Wednesday, 9:30 at UCB with Jon Friedman, Jena Friedman (not related), myself and others and the actual real live Gong Show (part 2) on Halloween at BB King's in Times Square. The last show was out of control, like a train on PCP. It was one of the greatest shows I've ever seen.

I used to do crazy Halloween shows with my old band Haunted Pussy every Halloween. We don't do them any more, now that the band has broken up, but I left up the website so that you can see how I used to party back in the bad old days.

Keep in touch. Thank you much.

Peace! I mean, Two!

See anyone who looks familiar? I' m in this Italian Fiat commercial for two seconds, (but I think it's the French version of it) making a peace sign, or a number 2, which ever you prefer. I only wish I knew what the nice man was saying!

Ya wanna see more of that sweet, sweet lady? Come to Caroline's Comedy Club tomorrow (Wed) night around 7 PM and witness the magic at the Comedy Smack show, along with Tom Shillue, Jessie Cantrell and more!

Just sayin'...

I love Carolyn Castiglia for a lot of reasons. She's a sassy awesome funny mother, I mean of a child, and I guess I mean a sassy awesome funny mother %$cker, too.

She wrote this article about women in comedy and how they are eternally invisible and constantly ignored. You may be confused -- but I thought that women were doing alright these days? Well, maybe we're not all hanging out in the kitchen, barefoot and preggo while the menfolk are all off, busy earning all the bacon. But it is simply the truth that women in nearly every field still don't make as much money as men, which is messed up because many women are single mothers. The sexes are just not viewed as equal, even now, in comedy or elsewhere.

A misnomer: But aren't there more men in comedy than women?

The answer is no, but by the way the media covers comedy, you might think that...see Carolyn's story for more.

It's great to see so many women doing well in comedy. But the reason they are is because people like Carolyn and so many others before her had the fearlessness and continue to still tackle these issues now. And if we women want to continue to enjoy success and hope for bigger and better success in the future, we have to keep it up. So please pardon this interruption, you can go back to whatever you were doing now.

PS - I love this quote:

"There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women" -- Madeline Albright

In case you're not sure, that means if you're a woman in a position of power and you can help a gal pal out, do it. K? And if you're a dude, this post doesn't mean I hate you or anything. I loooove men. Too much, even, sometimes. A fella'll get a ho into trubs. That's why I have long term boyfriends all the time, just in case you were wondering.

Now go have a nice Friday night!

It's a bloated butt (or boat, depending on your preference)

of fun shows between the dates of NOW and Oct. 18

Tomorrow, WEDNESDAY OCT 13: SKITS'N'TITS

Then on SATURDAY Oct 16: REFUGEE GIRLS REVUE

And finally, NEXT MONDAY Oct. 18: SHOWGASM @ Ars Nova

Of course Skits'N'Tits is going to be awesome, and so you're definitely going to be there, and you go every month, so you already know that it's at 308 Bowery @ 10 PM, and stars Onion editor Joe Garden, Dizzy Swank and Divina Gran Sparkle, as well as other great peeps. But that doesn't mean you should miss Jena Friedman's Refugee Girls Revue this and every Saturday night in October at 10 PM, at Theater 80, (formerly the theater known as "The Pearl") at

80 St. Marks @ 1st Ave, or that you should poo poo the Showgasm variety show, which is always a blast and celebrates the ANT Festival at Ars Nova, next Monday, 10/18. More details for the gaz below.

SHOWGASM

With your special guest host, Lucas Kavner
Monday (10/18) Doors @ 7:30

FREE!

(And featuring a happy-half-hour with $2 beers from 7:30-8!)

Free to all, but reservations are a must and can be made here.

Help Ars Nova celebrate the start of ANT Fest

with drinks, friends and a great lineup of performers

who will keep things rowdy at everyone's favorite party/show.

Hosted by Ars favorite Lucas Kavner,

featured performers include:

VIDS

Lance and Ray

LpFunK

Jenn Harris

Soul Steps

Jess Delfino

The Berserker Residents

And your house band, Goodbye Picasso!