Yesterday, Tomorrow

The BESTIES SHOW is THIS Thursday

Yesterday I spent the day running errands -- boring, right? No! It was actually kind of fun. It was 4/20, national pot smokers day, and I had a great time walking around, injecting paranoia into the lives of all the stoners on the street with some well-placed dramatic glances amid picking up recycling bags at Duane Reade and dropping letters into the mail box. Was I a spy? Their parent's friend? Or just a creep? They may never know. 

In the evening, I performed at a reading show called Kiss'N'Tell at Madame X. I never know what to expect when I do a show for the first time -- is this going to suck? Or should I have shaved my legs for this one and maybe brought a few extra CDs? Last night was the latter, but I was prepared with accidental freshly shaved legs and a handful of CDs in the bright pink Dickie gig bag my guitar lives in. What a terrific show. This is one for my peeps -- true tales all about sex, ranging in slightly ribald to downright filthy dirty. I even had a few accidental surprise friend sightings which is always fun, and made some new pals, too -- people who are not afraid to talk about jollies and ya yas and what not. My people, indeed. 

Tomorrow is the 2nd episode of my monthly show, BESTIES. If you were there for the first show, thanks for coming -- this one is going to be even bigger and better with a new, large handmade SIGN, a full BAND called PUSS & BOOBS starring myself and Lauren Oppelt on DOUBLE VOCALS like Heart -- awesome!! -- also guests ANDREA ROSEN, BEN LERMAN, DIANE O'DEBRA, LIVIA SCOTT, FRANK PEFFERCORN & JULIET JESKE. It's a show about friendship!

BESTIES

Slipper Room * 167 Orchard St. @ Stanton

7 DOORS

8 SHOW

9 DRINKS & MINGLING
$5 at the door

Bring friends, meet my friends, and make new friends.

Special thanks to one of my fave blogs, The Lo Down Lower East Side blog for featuring my show on yesterday's lo down!!! And a shout out to ComedySmack.com for listing the show!! Thanks guys, you sure know how to make a girl smile...down there.

My sister's dog got eaten by a bear,

Song of the Month tonight,
shout out to KATG

My sister's dog got eaten by a bear. RIP Jack Aulisio. He was a good dog. It happened a few days ago in North Carolina and I'm still really sad about it. My sister and brother in law have honey bees on their property so bears would sometimes linger nearby. Kinda scary, right? Jacky dog, protector of the property, lost the fight.

To switch out of sad gear, let's talk about music.

TONIGHT: I will play a new song for the SONG OF THE MONTH club at NYC TALENT SHOW, 308 Bowery, 10 PM. I will probably go on closer to 11ish. I will rock a new song called "Totes Inappropes" goin' out to Lauren Hennessey. Watch LIVE at www.nyctalentshow.com and VOTE for the song on my twitter account or FB page. Just comment "I like it" if you like it, or do nothing if you don't. Or email me feedback. The song with the most votes will get sent to the SONG OF THE MONTH club as an mp3 via email.

I'm making a new album so I could really use all of your suggestions and feed back!!

If you are NOT in the SONG OF THE MONTH club and would like to be, email subject: SONG OF THE MONTH to jess delfino at yahoo dot com and join the ding dang club! It's still free  for the time being, and it's an excellent, premiere time waster.

A shout out to Keith, Chemda and the crew, friends and fans of KATG for an awesome, awesome weekend. L' Chaim, peeps.

FUN FILLED WEEK holy shazam

and good stuff on the horizon, too

This week has really been something else, jam packed with a varied, eclectic and sparkly collection of shows, including Literary Death Match, Skits'N'Tits and Keith & The Girl's Keith's Annual Birthday Show, Match Game & Bingo and culminating this Sunday with Deep Traffic at The Magnet Theater.

Literary Death Match at Piano's was wicked fun. Care for a run down? Click this beeyotch right here. 

Skits'N'Tits was the most packed ever, thanks in part surely to Michael Musto's sweet plug on his Village Voice blog and the slew of KATG folks in town for Keith's birthday show and the other events. We actually had people waiting in a line for people to leave so they could then get in. That's the kind of show we run, peeps! The next Skits'N'Tits is Wednesday, May 12th so get your $5 tickets in advance or pay $8 at the door, but either way, be there. At the last show, we gave away 2 PBR lights which were awesome! And 2 pairs of Lamia Design's amazing halfsie gloves that retail for over $100 at Henry Bendel. Come next month and see what amazing things we've got up our sleeves or in our pantaloons. 

I tended bar last night at the Match Game and I don't mean to brag but I poured a mean "Hulk Juice" (ten parts vodka, 1/2 parts Mountain Dew) and by poured, I mean, literally pushed the spout button on the cooler. Diane O'Debra and I were swingin' behind the bar, a killer tag team assuring that all the mouths and stomachs in the house were gulping down goblets of green stuff. Didja like my alliteration there? I did. 

Yeah, I was wearing a crazy hat -- crazy awesome, that is, hand made by my amazing milliner friend Cha Cha of Cha Cha's House of Ill Repute. What about it? I'm fashionable, dammit. 

diet coke and red wine, not a good combo

Deep Traffic is my friend Adam Lerman's show and he's really something else. The kid has friends in the freezer and keeps meat in his pockets. You have to see his show or you're going to be disappointing society and hurting all of humanity. 

Sunday, April 18

Deep Traffic

@ The Magnet Theater

254 W. 29th btw 7th and 8th Aves

8 PM sharpsies

Finally, do not miss the BESTIES show next Thursday, April 22 at The Slipper Room, 167 Orchard St.,  starring Andrea Rosen, Ben Lerman, Diane O'Debra, Juliet Jeske, Livia Scott and Frank Peffercorn, and starring the Besties House Band, Puss & Boots. 7:30 PM, $5 at the door.

SONG OF THE MONTH 

a new creative time waster, week 2 / song 2 of April

It's almost time for my "SONG OF THE MONTH" at Diane O'Debra and Victor Varnado's newly re-arranged NYC Talent Show, tonight.


Here's how it works: 


Every Monday around 10:30 PM, I'll premiere a new song live onstage which you can watch online at www.nyctalentshow.com. 


If you like the song I perform, let me know. The song that gets the most shout outs / responses that month will get emailed to my Song of the Month club as an mp3, link or video for FREE!! There are other perks as well, including a free club card that gets you reduced admission to shows, drink specials, special offers and more. 


If you are not in the club, email jessdelfino at yahoo dot com with Song of the Month in the subject line. 

Tonight's SONG OF THE MONTH RUN DOWN: 

LAST WEEK'S SONG: I'm Proud To Be A Nerd

RESPONSE: I got 3 likes (and sold 4 CDs, which I count as 4 likes)

THIS WEEK'S SONG: What I'll Do If You Give Me A Dollar

TO BEAT LAST WEEK: 

I'll need at least 8 likes, that means, emails to me at jess delfino at yahoo 

dot com, comments, notes or likes on my FB page or my FAN page, 

comments on this blog, or Twitter action mentioning the song.

NOTE: If you heard last week's song and didn't comment but want to, you can still add likes to last week's song, and you can like more than one song per month. 


See ya online, round 10 pm tonight.

AFFORDABLE AFTERNOON

It looks like it's gonna be a nice one. I am meeting an old friend for coffee in Union Square (I don't drink coffee, I order half a cup and then look at it) and then I'm starting a new job as the assistant director for a little festival in the East Village, which means I gotta go to worky work. But here are some things I would totally do today if I were free with no cares in the world: 

I would have started with this one if I had woken up reallllly early: 

(From Time Out NY's Now Do This list)

Divine intervention raises some rather tricky problems with free will, but do you really want to take the risk of going out without God as your copilot? Especially when you’re riding on New York’s roads? So get thee to the 12th Annual Blessing of the Bicycles at Cathedral Church of St. John the Divine (1047 Amsterdam Ave at 112th St; blessingofthebikes.com; 9:30–10am, free), where Reverend Canon Thomas Miller will douse your handlebars with holy water and fallen cyclists will be remembered in absentia by a bagpiper

SUBWAY SANDWICH LOVERS CAN SHARE A LUNCH WITH SOMEONE or just buy one for later: 

(from the Skint)

buy one get one free footlong sub during subway’s customer appreciation day at one of the chain's kagillion+ locations in nyc. >> http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=111231968889425&ref=mf

Everyone knows that Japanese people are the coolest in the world 
(is that racist of me?): 

(from Cheap Chick In The City) 

Saturday April 10, 2010
J-cation with the Japan Society
1 p.m. to 1 a.m.
Travel to Japan without the jet lag! This 12-hour party/staycation features Japanese snacks and drinks, cooking demonstrations, workshops, msuic, film, and even Japanese game shows!Cheap Chick Info: $5 suggested donationLocation Info: Japan Society, 333 E. 47th StreetSubway: 4,5,6,7,S to Grand Central Terminal

I have a brown thumb and would like to scrub the brown off to reveal the green that I know is there, so this would be a good one for me: (plus, my sister says she saves hundreds of dollars a year growing her own veggies. awesome)

(from the freegan list)

Saturday, April 10 • Planting Workshop 
Learn to grow veggies, herbs and fruits indoors and out. We'll start plants
from seeds, cuttings and tubers that participants can take away in pots for
planting wherever you like.  Bring garden seeds, sprouty potatoes, empty flower
pots, garden gloves and hand tools if you have them, and food and drinks to
share. Media WILL be welcome with appointment.
When & Where? Meet at 2pm at the Campus Road Community Garden, Avenue H andOcean Avenue inside the gates of Brooklyn College. Take the 2 train to Flatbush
Avenue (Brooklyn College) station, then walk west around the college; or the Q
train to Avenue H (northbound) or J (southbound), then walk east to Ocean
Avenue. In case of severe rain we'll do it indoors; check with Madeline, (917)
538-7505.

WICKED AWESOME with a capital W and a capital A

I was thrilled today to see a review type thingy of my CD, "I Wanna Be Famous" (categorized under music & things I like) written by Village Voice's Michael Musto on his blog, La Daily Musto. This is one of the most exciting things to happen to me since I discovered the liquor store near my house sells $3 bottles of really good wine. He also plugged the sweet-ass April 14th Skits'N'Tits. 

AMAZING. I've been a quiet appreciator of Michael's for awhile and so this is pretty sweet. He just celebrated his 25 year anniversary at The Village Voice (how long have you been at your job for?) so if you are driving down the road and you see him riding his bike on the street, don't run him over, instead buy him a milk shake or just wave cheerfully, and leave him be.

If you think Michael Musto has great taste and would like to buy my CD, just click here for a hard copy, or visit iTunes if you just want the mp3s. 

KEITH & THE GIRL, SONG OF THE MONTH advancements, 

HAIK U GLENN BECK, Rosetto Stonoli

It's always so much fun to be on the Keith & The Girl podcast, it's like hanging out with friends and having a funny conversation, but a jillion people can hear you. Yesterday was a really long one, we talked it out for realz. God those two make me laugh, sometimes in a bad way. You can hear it all for free at keithandthegirl.com. Also, a shout out to all the new "Song Of The Month" club members! Joining the JD SOTM club is free and easy. It means you get a free song (usually mp3, sometimes a link) emailed to you every month. You also get discounts to shows and other perks. It's a win - win -- I get to share my music and you get free stuff. 

Here's how it works: I try out a new song at Diane O'Debra and Victor Varnado's Talent Show every Monday at 10 pm. Of the four or five songs I try out in a month, the best one makes it to Song Of The Month club email blast. The "best one" is determined by feedback, so either attend every Monday at 10 PM at 308 Bowery, or tune in to Talent Show on Ustream (you can learn more by following @NYCTalentShow on Twitter.com). This past Monday, I sold 2 CDs and got a great response from "I'm Proud To Be A Nerd", which was the Song Of The Month for March. I wonder what song will win for April? 

At the end of the year, the songs will be compiled into a new album. I can't wait to share the new jams with the world. To join, email jessdelfino at yahoo dot com, subject: SONG OF THE MONTH.

To see up coming up shows, check out the schedule on the right column of this blog -- a few really great ones for April are the always fabulous Skits'N'Tits on Wednesday, April 14th, 10 pm, and my new Besties show with Andrea Rosen, Ben Lerman, Diane O'Debra and others, which has a kickin' house band that sings songs about friends and other rock jams, Thursday April 22 at 8 pm at The Slipper Room. More info here / confirm you're coming on facebook so I know to dress up and wash my special parts.

Hey, got a beef with Glenn Beck? "Haik U" him. My haiku, last I checked, was rated 5th. I don't know what that means, but there were a lot of haikus, so 5th is either closest to being the best or closest to being the worst. Pop in, write your own damn haiku, and give mine a thumbs up, for the balls of it. Why not. haikuglennbeck.com

Finally, congrats to my friend Jena Friedman for having her Rosetto Stonoli video on the front page of FunnyOrDie.com and Atom yesterday, starring thank you very much, ME, also comedians Dave Hill and Elna Baker. I think it was the mom-to-be look I touted with the glasses and yellow sweater that gave it that final push into awesomedom. Check out the vid HERE and vote it funny or I punchy punchy. 

Bye!

I just had to post this photo because I couldn't believe it when it happened. This past Saturday night I was at a party, but not just any party. An amazing, beautiful, gorgeous closing party for the indescribable experience that was Flight 18. The party took place at a 4 story brownstone home in midtown that literally took my breath away. We were greeted as we arrived by a group of people waving sparklers to let us know we'd found the party. It was just out of this world to stroll down the street at 1 am after our last show and see a crew of our friends and cast members with a dozen bright twinkling sparklers, just for us.

Amazing, right? 

Once inside, there was a decadent and wonderful spread of all types of delicious home made food for us to enjoy. I was so happy, because nothing makes my life more joyous than eating scrumptious home-made food cooked with love and care, for me. 

I made a plate, exhausted from the double header of shows that night, a back to back 7:30 and a 9:30 which were, in my opinion, possibly the absolutely worst followed by the absolute best of the whole series of shows, and took said plate outside to the absolutely breath taking back yard patio, full of the softest chairs and couches, lit by dozens of large candle lantern lights everywhere. 

A few minutes later, a regular patron of the show (but not a cast member) came stumbling over to me, clearly a bit out of it (or maybe that is just her personality, I've never been able to figure it out) and was playfully waving a sparkler around my face. I yelled at her, "Get that thing away from my hair! You'll catch me on fire!" She laughed and took a moment before understanding I meant business, then trotted off. 

A few seconds later, my seat began to get warm and I was so excited -- this terrific, fancy back yard patio was filled with furniture that had heated seats! I'd just been getting chilly. But I found out quickly, no -- it wasn't heated patio seats, it was my ass on fire. 

I jumped up and noticed I was smoking and flaming, so I started freaking out, yelling, "I'm on fire!" A few people came over, slapped my ass and put me out. Luckily, I still had all my hair in tact. Unfortunately, the ass of my beautiful hot pink sparkle dress had been ruined. But thankfully, I filmed a video wearing it, so the dress will live forever. 

Probably the saddest part was that it didn't even occur to the fire starter to offer to fix, repair or replace the dress, and I was too bummed to really make a big deal about it.

The moral of the story, not everyone is smart enough to operate a sparkler, and alcohol may increase sparkler's danger level, so beware! The alternative moral: If you light someone's dress on fire, offer to replace or fix it. It's the socially acceptable thing to do.

TONIGHT,
also HAIK U, GLENN BECK

You can catch me at the Burly-Q Revue show at Slipper Room, 67 Orchard St. @ Stanton St. (F to 2nd Ave) at 8 pm, $5 with Shane Webb and lots of other beauties, too.

Then, you can catch me performing my brand new SONG OF THE WEEK tonight, at Talent Show, hosted by Diane O'Debra and Victor Varnado, 308 Bowery, at 10 PM for $3. The idea of SONG OF THE WEEK is to get me in the habit of writing a new song every week. They can't all be winners, but odds are whatever I come up with will be better than a lot of the crap you hear on the radio. It used to be SONG OF THE MONTH but I've upped the ante. Join the club by emailing jess delfino at yahoo dot com, subject: SONG OF THE MONTH. You will receive the best of the four new songs of the month, every month, which will be determined by the responses of the Talent Show audience. No big deal, but, free music.

If you'd like to know where I'm going to be on a regular basis without having to make a concerted effort to read my blog on the daily, (ya big baby) sign up for my monthly newsletter, "The Monthly Visitor" by emailing Jess delfino at yahoo dot com, subject: The Monthly Visitor, or if you'd like to keep track of my sassy lines whenever you please, just keep up on me by following me on Twitter HERE.

I hope to see you somewhere tonight or this week, be it on the street, in an elevator, on TV, waving at me from a helicopter, a chance run in at the grocery store or WHAT have you.

PS -- Hey, do you have a few words to say to Glenn Beck? Give him the what for at Haik U, Glenn Beck! My Haiku:

Glenn Beck, why so vexed?
You seemed cooler back when you
were in the Yardbirds

Click HERE to give mine a thumbs up if you like it, which is nice of you, because it makes me look good, check out others or post your own. 

Love,

Jessica

Always the fool, never the fooler

I was trying to think of some good ways to spend April Fool's Day. Call my mom and tell her I'm getting married! To a man! But she'd just be relieved. I think she thinks I might be gay deep down somewhere. Pretend I'm gay for the day! But that'd probably just excite my boyfriend who probably hopes I might be gay deep down somewhere. Don't all guys hope that? Isn't that every man's shared dream? That their girlfriends are secretly gay, but not in a "I like lesbians now" kind of way, more in a, "I'm gay if by gay you mean I like to have threesomes with my boyfriend and another girl" way? 

I tried to trick my bf with a lame April Fool's text. I warmed him up with a, "I have to tell you something" precursor, but he had me figured out and had retyped April Fool's! before I even finished typing, "I'm pregnant." 

Halloween costumes, April Fool's Day gags and understanding society. Three things I suck at, which as a comedian, I should really be better at. 

I'm gonna go drink a shamrock shake and read the news. April Fool's! I hate McDonalds. And reading. Anyway, shamrock shakes (green mint-flavored shakes that McD's just puts out for St. Patty's time) are gone by now.

REJECTION LETTER from Pandora.com

I don't get them too often, but when I do, they're always a discouraging let down. I got an email today that said "the music curator team has decided to pass on my music at this time" and "As a policy, they choose not to discuss these matters on why they pass on certain albums."

What a bummer.

If you listen to Pandora and you'd like to hear my subversive music on there, be sure to let them know! If it's a matter of songs that are "too dirty" I have clean songs like "I Wanna Be Famous", "Vermont" and others. 

Email jasmyn@pandora.com and demand that Jessica Delfino Dirty Folk Rock hits get played on Pandora. We have power in numbers. If you want radio to stay mundane, do nothing. If you'd like to jazz the world up a bit, send this email which will take 20 seconds to do. 

If you're not sure what to write, just copy and paste this, or make adjustments to it: 

Dear Pandora: 

I'm a Pandora listener, and I want to hear Jessica Delfino's music on Pandora. Please ask your music curators to reconsider playing her music, especially "A SONG IN PARTICULAR THAT YOU LIKE"

Thank you, 

"YOUR NAME"

"YOUR LOCATION"

Thanks and happy listening, whatever you may be listening to.

SHOWS on Mon & Tue, New VIDEO Up,

I was in a MOVIE

Monday night I'm performing at Laughs at Giulia Rozzi's Laughs at Luca at Luca Lounge at 8:30, 222 Avenue B (between 13th/ 14th streets) in Manhattan. There is free pizza so you better bring your appetite. Tuesday you can catch me over at Parkside Lounge at 8 PM as part of Book Club Burlesque. 

My friend Raul posted this video from the last Skits'N'Tits online of me singing "My Pussy Is Magic" live, featuring a few super hot back up singers. Check it out! If you like it, share it and sing it really loudly at work. 

I was hired to play a part in a real live movie the other day. Here is a photo from the film. No, it wasn't a period piece, no, I wasn't portraying Bettie Page, no, it wasn't a dominatrix film, and it was totally PG rated. I was "a model dressed up as a pin up girl" having her photo taken in a very unusual way, which you will see if you see the movie. It's a slightly spicy photo, so don't show it to my mom. I spent a good part of the morning hiding in the dressing room because I was so embarrassed to come out with my ta tas and my ba donka donk all hangin' out, but the camera crew and other actors on the film were so encouraging and complimentary that I felt comfortable in no time. 

Oops, this film is still under wraps and this photo might be a secret, so don't show it to anyone! ;) I'll keep you posted when the movie is supposed to hit the streets. 

BUSY DAYS AND NIGHTS

It's fun to keep busy! This is a long one because I have a lot to talk about. I've been rockin' and rollin' this week doing shows all over the place with lots of great peeps. 

Flight 18 is still going strong but the series is coming to an end, so if you haven't seen it yet, you have a few chances left, including tonight at 7:29 and 9:29, tomorrow night at 7:29 and 9:29 and Sunday at 5 pm. It will run this weekend and next weekend and then, adios amigos. If you do plan to attend the show, bring an open mind, a discreet bottle and your dancing shoes. Check out what NY1 had to say about it HERE or visit www.flight18.net for tickets & more info. If you really want to see the show but can't swing the $18 smackers for a ticket, email me at jessdelfino@yahoo.com to volunteer to help on the flight in exchange for a ticket.

After the 9:29 show tonight, I'm headed to Brooklyn for a swingin' private party. So if you do come to Flight 18 tonight, go to the late show and then come to the party if you're feelin' crazy.

Last night was wicked fun with a double header -- Talent Show at The Gershwin Hotel with Elna Baker and friends, Mike Birbiglia, Dave Hill and a slew of other funny go getters. The packed audience was really into all the craziness of the DIY themed show. I taught the audience how to poorly play a singing saw, how to play a Q chord electronic autoharp and how to play a rape whistle. 

Then I hopped on my bike and scooted downtown to TriBeCa 92Y for Comedy Below Canal - Ben Lerman's Match Game where I was a panelist alongside Judy Gold, Michael Musto, NY1's Pat Kiernan, Frank DeCaro and Sara Schaefer. It was great to see so many of my friends in the audience and the show was rippin' fun. What a rowdy audience though -- if you're a contestant on the Match Game and you don't know how to play the game, be prepared for the audience to boo any sucky answers you give!

And don't be surprised if you get a boo from a panelist or two, either.

Photo Credit: http://miishi.tumblr.com/

To wrap up the evening, I zipped back up on my bike to the same hood I'd been in earlier for a late night audition for a part in a film in progress. I didn't get the main part I read for, but I ended up getting a smaller role -- It's a sexy little role, a "Betty Page-esque" character which works well for my current bangs. It shoots tomorrow in the East Village so I'm looking forward to that.

This weekend and coming week is full of little adventures and crazy times. Meetings, interviews, auditions, work, all part of the life I've made here for myself, in the big apple.

To close it out, here's a video I worked on with friends Jena Friedman, Elna Baker, Dave Hill and others. 

Rosetto Stonoli - watch more funny videos

Though I often feel like I'm constantly spinning my wheel like a hamster, this is the kind of stuff I'm turning out in the end with friends. I really love my friends and feel very lucky to have so many good ones. I marvel at all the hard work they do and how talented they are. That's why I've created a new show called "BESTIES" every month at The Slipper Room, celebrating all the people I've worked with in NYC over the past 8 big ones. (I keep changing the name...it was Top Friends but I like Besties better.) The next show is April 22nd at 8 PM. Be there to see all the funny ways in which I worship these great peeps! Starring Diane O'Debra, Frank Peffercorn and a few other gems. Are you on Facebook? If so, don't forget to confirm that you're coming so I know that you want to see this show.

I WANNA BE FAMOUS now for sale!

on Amazon.com

You guys! I'm really excited to say that my CD can now be purchased on Amazon.com. Also, I have asked friends to put reviews up and this is what they've had to say. Read their thoughts or add your own.

And don't forget to get your tickets for 92Y Match Game tomorrow night at 9!!

THRILLED FOR THURSDAY 

Ya gotta catch the triumphant return of "MATCH GAME LIVE" featuring Ben Lerman as host THIS THURSDAY at 9 PM, @ 92Y TriBeCa. Also on the show are NY1's Pat Kiernan, Village Voice's Michael Musto, Jimmy Fallon writer Sara Schaefer, comedy star Judy Gold, radio DJ / author / funny person Frank DeCaro, and myself. 

Also this Thursday at 8 I will be popping in to Elna Baker's show to give a demonstration of how operate unusual instruments, such as the singing saw, the electronic autoharp and the rape whistle. Other guests on the show are Paul Dinello, Mike Birbiglia, Dave Hill and others. I think it's going to be pretty amazing. 

I hope to see your pretty face there. Yeah, I'm talkin' to YOU, pretty face.

HAPPY BABY DAY

My sister Abby and and brother in law Brian welcomed their first child into the world today, a tiny, miniature sized human named Arabel. She is really cool looking in the photo. She's not freaking out or crying, just chillin' in her swaddling clothing, all hip in the latest newborn infant fashions, looking totally photo ready. I don't even look that good in photos after an hour of pre-prep and stuff. And she just popped out jazzed for her close up. She looks smart, too. I just judged that baby by her covers. 

I'm so excited to be the wacky, weird aunt who lets Arabel do all the stuff at my house that her mom and dad won't let her do -- eat candy before bed, watch HBO, all that good stuff, just like my wacky weird aunts used to let me do. I'm so happy and looking forward to all the good times together we have coming. 

Abby called me yesterday morning and said she was in the hospital, going into labor. She was having contractions so she'd have to pause every few minutes to be in a lot of pain. It made me feel badly to hear my sister in pain, but I was so honored that she called me to let me know it was time. I'm the oldest of our roost (6 girls!), but Abby is the first in our "litter" to have a baby. 

Pregnancy Warning: 

My sister said that giving birth hurt a LOT. I was afraid of that. I was hoping she'd be like, yeah, it wasn't as bad as they all say. Dammit. I should have had a kid when I was really young and too stupid to know it was going to be a big to do. But that's why I put it off, because even then I knew it was going to be really painful and a lot of hard work.

Congratulations Abby, Brian and baby Arabel. Welcome to the world. Though I've been wishing myself these things for awhile now to no avail, Arabel, I wish you health, wealth and wisdom. May your dreams come true for you. 

MEET LISA CARVER, WED's ALTERNATIVE TO GREEN BEER, 

THURS's NEW FUN SHOW, a new! THE MONTHLY VISITOR

Meet Lisa Carver, one of the world's most mesmerizing people. Scroll down to see an interview she did with Atari Teenage Riot for her old Rollerderby Zine, one of the coolest things in the world to have ever been invented. I toured with Lisa once, peeing on pizzas in several major cities for her "Drugs Are Nice" book tour. I met her because several people recommended me as the pizza pee-er. That's how you know you have a kick ass reputation: when SEVERAL people refer to you as a girl who they're pretty sure would pee on a pizza if prompted. 

Sadly, my peeing on pizza days have slowed down a bit, and I'm mostly just writing and working on having something of a normal life. Don't worry, I'll eventually get bored, implode and do something to get me freshly banned by the Catholic League instead of touting several year old ban. That's a promise. 

WARNING: FUN TIMES AHEAD

Whatcha doing on WED? Drinking green beer? Cute, but c'mon, you can do better. Why not hang with Craftermath from 7-9 at The Dressing Room's beautiful bar/boutique happy hour for free craft and video art fun and then go drink your green beers later? 75A Orchard St. btw Broome and Grand. Did I say free? We'll also have a "by donation" spiff it up station complete with bedazzlers, patches, St. Patty's related stuff and more. 7-9!

THEN on THURSDAY, March 18, I'm premiering a new show at the Slipper Room @ 168 Orchard St. It's called Top Friends! But I was also thinking of going with the name Top Fun (like Top Gun). What do you think? It's mainly a musical comedy show, but also with a few other comedy surprises thrown in so it's not all musical comedy, all the time. Doors at 7:30, show at 8-9ish, then talking, mingling and drinking til later. 

Featuring: 

* cock rock by Cock Lorge

* clever, funny stories by Shane Web

* the musical comedy stylings of Mindy Raf

* brainy, funny stand up by Amanda Melson

* sisterly (totally awesome) country comedy duo The Drelles 

* and then I will close out the show with a set - new dirty folk rock Jessica Delfino

After my show is an awesome NAKED ROCK BAND at The Slipper Room, so come for my show and stick around for that, it looks like it's going to be awesome. 

Oh, and by the by, the new MONTHLY VISITOR is out, my newsletter named after a lady-times metaphor. If you aren't on the mailing list, please email jessdelfino@yahoo.com with the email subject: MONTHLY VISITOR and I'll send one right out to you. Or check back in a few days and it will be posted on this blog. 

See you later, friendlies!

ATARI TEENAGE RIOT interview with LISA CARVER

In honor of International Women's Day

an OPEN CALL, & EVENTS ON DECK for this upcoming week

Today, let us revisit an oldie but goodie. Warning: NSFW, but it should be. Especially today.

OPEN CALL:

WANTED: Supporting singers / performers / musicians for an upcoming event in NYC. Please respond ASAP. Specifically: Percussionist, guitarist, female singers, 2 strong men.

Thanks and please get in touch asap for the details at jessdelfino@yahoo.com.

UPCOMING EVENTS

ON THE MENU THIS WEEK:

I'm going to be on the radio tonight with some friends, singer/comedian Phill Lentz, singer/songwriter Jessica Delfino & artist/bloodwrestler Daniella Day. Listen live from 8-9 HERE: http://centannibroadcasting.com/


Our Lady of Perpetual PMS and I will also be discussing our upcoming CRAFTERMATH show, next Wed. March 17th from 7-9, featuring the awesome videos of Lisa Hammer, new & unusual crafts by the Craftermath gang, and an unheard song by myself. Show admission is FREE and there are terrific drink specials (shot of whiskey & a beer for $5), not to mention a gorgeous boutique full of amazing clothes to peruse as you sip your booze. The Dressing Room, 75A Orchard St.


ALSO TONITE: The ECNY Awards, hot on the tail of the Oscars. Who will win best Emerging Comedian of NYC? Not me! (I won Best Musical Comedian a few years back.) But I'm still going to head over to COMIX to catch the magic, after my radio spot.


And THIS WED MARCH 10th, it's time for another fabulous SKITS'N'TITS! From 10 PM til it ends at 308 Bowery, NY, NY. Tickets are $8 at the door, $5 in advance. You can send us some happy juju and good vibes by clicking "Attending" on our FB page or leaving us a message that describes in detail what you will be wearing and / or drinking.


Finally, if you like psychadelic sci-fi performance art adventures, do not miss Flight 18. This show is a total departure (no pun intended) from what I normally do and I must admit, I find the freedom to be kinda freeing. This week: Thurs @ 7:30, Friday @ 7:30, 9:30, Sat @ 7:30, 9:30, Sun @ 5. 210 Front St., NYC.


I hope to see you somewhere soon. I will be looking for you. Don't let me down, Vanessa.

NEW  work related FASHION COLUMN

THE COLLARED SHEEP

I thought they asked, "How old do you look?" 

Heya. Though it's been a few years since I've had a classic "job" where ya punch in your time card (see? I told you it's been awhile) and hang out in a cubicle, and there's a water cooler and an accounting department and stuff like that, I still know good fashion when I see it. Just ask Time Out NY if you don't want to take my word for it. If you also don't want to take their word for it, I don't know what else to tell you, you skeptical bastard. Yes, I guess I'm automatically assuming you are male. 

Someone agreed enough with Time Out NY's opinion to give yours truly her very own work fashion related column. So check it out! And send YOUR work fashion related queries to "the experts." Um, "we" will toil and sweat over our laptops, desperately researching to get you the best answers possible. I swear to Crust!

A Three Hour Tour -- my trip to Cape Ann, Mass

Cape Ann Community Cinema rocks, free records, Amanda's Bananas

Yesterday around noon I hopped my booty into a shimmering, shiny, rented Ford Focus, scooped up my pal Our Lady of Perpetual PMS, tossed my guitar and some other gear into the back seat and scooted on up the coast line to Gloucester, Mass for a one night only engagement. I'm a very good driver with a bit of a lead foot and made it to our destination in just under 5 hours. 

I LOVE the Cape Ann Community Cinema. It's like a huge living room where you can have a comfy couch all to yourself while you watch a movie on a big white wall. Some couches even ROCK, literally as well as figuratively. The place is stocked with great movies, and they also rent many of the films out with a very lenient rental policy that I overheard as, "Yeah, just bring it back when you're done with it." That's the New England I know, love and miss. There, you don't fear that if you sit on a couch at a bar, there's a good chance you're sitting in a semen covered nest of bed bugs. And by "you" I guess I mean, "I." 

In addition, the place is stocked with tasty organic snacks like yummy nutritional yeast-ed popcorn and Amanda's frozen bananas, a very racy snack indeed, even for an already edgy fruit. Because it resembles what an african american penis looks like. 

Below the terrific CACC is a great record store which us gals foraged through briefly before we headed off for a pre-show dinner across the street at the Italian joint. The record store was huge, vast and so amazing. They even had a "Riscque comedy" bin, spelled just like that! I perused my genre, found a real gem and purchased it on the spot. 

Robert and the small audience that braved the cold New England weather to attend the show were gracious and interesting to talk to. Below, Our Lady of Perpetual PMS talks to about half the audience after the show and hocks some merch. 

We ended the show with a Q & A and chatted until we had nothing left to chat about. 

Our Lady of PPMS and I then scavenged some free records from the free records bin at that aforementioned great music store below CACC and then we jumped into our Focus and vanished into the snowy night. 

A good time was enjoyed by all. 

Our Lady of Perpetual PMS primps before a mirror at the

Italian restaurant across the street, post pee pee.