FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
NYC ARTIST RESPONDS TO CATHOLIC LEAGUE’S ATTACK
December 22, 2006—Jessica Delfino today called Catholic League President William Donohue “a hypocrite and a bigot” for what she described as “anti-Muslim statements” denouncing her act.
In a December 19th statement (See: http://www.catholicleague.org/06press_releases/quarter%204/061219_obscenities.htm), Catholic League President William Donohue publicly attacked New York City-based musician and performance artist Jessica Delfino, accusing her of providing “ammunition” to radical Muslims.
“Jessica Delfino is taking her ‘Merry S--tmas Tour’ on the road,” complained Donohue. “Her performance includes the showing of an obscenely-titled video banned from YouTube that features her rapping about her vagina, complete with obscene pictures flashing in the background. Rapping about her genitals, she sings, ‘it will become your true religion.’” He said.
Donohue then went further with his accusation, claiming, “None of this is without malice. And at a time when radical Muslims are accusing Americans of harboring a depraved understanding of liberty, it only provides ammunition to the enemy.”
Jessica Delfino minced no words in her response.
“I was brought up Catholic, and I was also brought up to believe that it isn’t anti-Catholic to celebrate the life-giving and life-nurturing parts of a woman’s body,” said Delfino. “I don’t know why William Donohue hates women’s bodies. I don’t know why he is afraid of refocusing attention on humanity's true source of creation, the mysterious and magical womb. But I do know that William Donohue is a hypocrite and a bigot, who has publicly made outrageous and highly-offensive anti-Semitic, and now anti-Muslim statements. And that certainly doesn’t make him a better Catholic than I am,” she continued. “William Donohue does not speak for all Catholics. He doesn’t speak for me,” she concluded.
William Donohue infamously made a December 8, 2004 assertion on Scarborough Country that “Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular. It’s not a secret, okay? And I’m not afraid to say it.” This statement was widely viewed as anti-Semitic.
Jessica Delfino is a critically acclaimed artist who has appeared on Good Morning America and Opie & Anthony, and whose work has been called, “Funny and smart” by Sonic Youth's Thurston Moore in Arthur Magazine and “some of the most nasty, offensive, degrading, and genius comedy you’ll see all year,” by the New York Blade. Last year, she was named “Best Potty-Mouthed, Guitar-Slinging Comedian of 2005” by the Village Voice. She has received similarly glowing reviews from Jane Magazine, High Times, The Onion A/V Club, Time Out New York, and numerous other local and national publications. More information about her can be found at jessydelfino.blogspot.com.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
CATHOLIC LEAGUE PRESIDENT DENOUNCES JESSICA DELFINO
In a December 19th press release published on the Catholic League's Web site, Catholic League President William Donohue denounced New York City-based musician Jessica Delfino, accusing her of providing “ammunition” to radical Muslims.
“Jessica Delfino is taking her ‘Merry S—tmas Tour’ on the road,” complained Donohue. “Described as ‘rife with Christmas-themed debauchery,’ Delfino worked last night in New York City, appears in Washington, D.C. tomorrow and travels to Durham, North Carolina on Thursday. Her performance includes the showing of an obscenely-titled video banned from YouTube that features her rapping about her vagina, complete with obscene pictures flashing in the background. Rapping about her genitals, she sings, ‘it will become your true religion.’” He said.
Donohue then went further with his accusation, claiming, “None of this is without malice. And at a time when radical Muslims are accusing Americans of harboring a depraved understanding of liberty, it only provides ammunition to the enemy.”
William Donohue has previously gotten in hot water for some of his remarks, including a December 8, 2004 assertion on Scarborough Country that “Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular. It’s not a secret, okay? And I’m not afraid to say it.” This statement was widely viewed as anti-Semitic.
Jessica Delfino is a critically acclaimed artist who has appeared on Good Morning America and Opie & Anthony, and whose work has been called, “Funny and smart” by Sonic Youth's Thurston Moore in Arthur Magazine and “some of the most nasty, offensive, degrading, and genius comedy you’ll see all year,” by the New York Blade.” Recently, she was named “Best Potty-Mouthed, Guitar-Slinging Comedian of 2005” by the Village Voice. She has received similarly glowing reviews from Jane Magazine, High Times, The Onion, Time Out New York, and numerous other critics.
Ms. Delfino was stunned by Donohue’s accusations. “My act is anti-stupidity, and anti-complacency, not anti-Catholic or anti-Christian, and I have a pretty good feeling that it’s about to be a little bit anti-William Donohue. This is a guy who goes on TV in the middle of the day when kids are watching, and yells at America that ‘Hollywood likes anal sex.’ But now he doesn’t like vaginas either? He should take that one up with God. And the real question is why does William Donohue keep saying things that are anti-Semitic and anti-Muslim? He's so negative! He is the opposite of everything Christ stood for, and I agree with Jesus."
Jessica Delfino will be appearing at Warehouse Next Door in Washington, D.C. at 8:30 PM on Wednesday, December 20th, and at 305 South in Durham, North Carolina at 8 PM on Thursday, December 21st. More information about her, including a link to her YouTube-banned video can be found at jessydelfino.blogspot.com.
Jessica Delfino was raised as a Catholic.
See the video HERE
CATHOLIC LEAGUE PRESIDENT DENOUNCES JESSICA DELFINO
In a December 19th press release published on the Catholic League's Web site, Catholic League President William Donohue denounced New York City-based musician Jessica Delfino, accusing her of providing “ammunition” to radical Muslims.
“Jessica Delfino is taking her ‘Merry S—tmas Tour’ on the road,” complained Donohue. “Described as ‘rife with Christmas-themed debauchery,’ Delfino worked last night in New York City, appears in Washington, D.C. tomorrow and travels to Durham, North Carolina on Thursday. Her performance includes the showing of an obscenely-titled video banned from YouTube that features her rapping about her vagina, complete with obscene pictures flashing in the background. Rapping about her genitals, she sings, ‘it will become your true religion.’” He said.
Donohue then went further with his accusation, claiming, “None of this is without malice. And at a time when radical Muslims are accusing Americans of harboring a depraved understanding of liberty, it only provides ammunition to the enemy.”
William Donohue has previously gotten in hot water for some of his remarks, including a December 8, 2004 assertion on Scarborough Country that “Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular. It’s not a secret, okay? And I’m not afraid to say it.” This statement was widely viewed as anti-Semitic.
Jessica Delfino is a critically acclaimed artist who has appeared on Good Morning America and Opie & Anthony, and whose work has been called, “Funny and smart” by Sonic Youth's Thurston Moore in Arthur Magazine and “some of the most nasty, offensive, degrading, and genius comedy you’ll see all year,” by the New York Blade.” Recently, she was named “Best Potty-Mouthed, Guitar-Slinging Comedian of 2005” by the Village Voice. She has received similarly glowing reviews from Jane Magazine, High Times, The Onion, Time Out New York, and numerous other critics.
Ms. Delfino was stunned by Donohue’s accusations. “My act is anti-stupidity, and anti-complacency, not anti-Catholic or anti-Christian, and I have a pretty good feeling that it’s about to be a little bit anti-William Donohue. This is a guy who goes on TV in the middle of the day when kids are watching, and yells at America that ‘Hollywood likes anal sex.’ But now he doesn’t like vaginas either? He should take that one up with God. And the real question is why does William Donohue keep saying things that are anti-Semitic and anti-Muslim? He's so negative! He is the opposite of everything Christ stood for, and I agree with Jesus."
Jessica Delfino will be appearing at Warehouse Next Door in Washington, D.C. at 8:30 PM on Wednesday, December 20th, and at 305 South in Durham, North Carolina at 8 PM on Thursday, December 21st. More information about her, including a link to her YouTube-banned video can be found at jessydelfino.blogspot.com.
Jessica Delfino was raised as a Catholic.
See the video HERE
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Naked Slumber Party on line!
Who wants to see a bunch of teen sluts get fucked by a horse? This animated, quadruple xxxx-rated cartoon won't last long on censoriffic YouTube! This cartoon would be made into a movie by Troma Films if they knew what was good for them.
Warning: This shit is so vile, so crass, so hilarious - watch with care. This cartoon is not by any means for children.
Music & Animation by Touching You, written by Touching You and Jessica Delfino (though there are some parts I can't and won't take credit for!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=om1XCS3aUKI
OR
Who wants to see a bunch of teen sluts get fucked by a horse? This animated, quadruple xxxx-rated cartoon won't last long on censoriffic YouTube! This cartoon would be made into a movie by Troma Films if they knew what was good for them.
Warning: This shit is so vile, so crass, so hilarious - watch with care. This cartoon is not by any means for children.
Music & Animation by Touching You, written by Touching You and Jessica Delfino (though there are some parts I can't and won't take credit for!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=om1XCS3aUKI
OR
Monday, December 18, 2006
This blog entry brought to you by an old story Jessica Delfino wrote (creator of tonight's):
JESSICA DELFINO'S MERRY SHITMAS SHOW!
TONITE!
7:30 PM SHARP
$5
at Jimmy's, 43 E. 7th St. (2nd Ave / Bowery)
featuring: Dr. Steam Whipple, Touching You's own line of Christmas Cards, The Secular Voices of Heaven's Horizon, Jessica Delfino's brand of Christmas Cheer, A Visit from a Relative bearing gifts, Jollyship The Whiz-Bang, a bizarre bazaar and a banned video shown on the big screen.
A very short show - one hour in length, chock full of holiday hurray!
A brief, cozy tour to follow promptly:
Wed. Dec. 20th:
The Warehouse Next Door
Washington, DC
9 PM
$7
Thursday, Dec. 21st
305 South Durham
Durham, NC
8 PM
$5
And now...back to our sponsor:
(How) I Got Off My Ass And Got On Drugs (Again)
by Jessica Delfino
I went through a very dark period of my life where I quit smoking
marijuana. I don't like to talk about it or really even think about it, but it was
my life. It happened to me.
Every day of not being stoned was like a different day over and over
again for me. There I'd be, just sitting, watching tv, eating a whole entire
bag of donuts with one hand and a whole entire bag of popcorn or peanuts
with the other, when I realized, you know what? I'm not stoned and I'm still
engaging in the munchies like I never stopped smoking pot. I've got all
the food and none of the buzz. I don't like this feeling. It made me feel
like I was truly on my way to being fat without any reason behind it. I didn't
want to be one of those fat people. I wanted to know exactly how it had
happened. I wanted to be able to blame it on marijuana.
What is the most important thing in my life, I asked myself, hypothetically,
not exactly expecting myself to answer out loud back to me. But strangely, I
did answer myself. And this is what I said. "Marijuana, and comedy.
Comedy is the most important thing to me. I love it. I like to make people
laugh. I like to make myself laugh at myself making people laugh. There are many
levels to it. It runs very deep. It's sort of interesting, and at the
same time not, really. Marijuana is the thing that makes comedy not feel so
depressing and also makes eating for four fun."
What I said really affected me. I was like, "Hey, wait a minute, me.
You've got some really good insight here. But here you are, sitting on the
couch, stuffing your face and not prioritizing. You know what is important to
you, yet you are not doing that thing."
And I had me. It was totally true. I should have been out doing comedy,
my lips fresh off a fat doobie. So I called up my friend who is always
quick to try to push a joint down my lungs. I said, "Hey. What are you doing?"
And he was like, "Nothing." And I was like, "I was wondering if you know any
spots tonight?" And he was like, "Why don't you come over and we'll smoke
this J, then we'll go do a spot?" And I was like, "I don't smoke weed." And he
was like, "It makes comedy fun and not depressing. Those are your words,
you know." And I was like, "I'll be right over."
I arrived with a bag of chips as an offering, because I don't know how
to pick wine out the right way. I gave him the chips. He was standing on a
ladder, packing a fourteen foot bong. He was scooping the marijuana out
of a cat litter bag with a pair of salad tongs. He looked at me like I'd
just walked in on him wacking his bag off. And in a way, I felt like I had.
I was like, "Um...I thought we were gonna smoke a J or whatever." He was
like, "Well, I have a lot of weed and you don't smoke, so I figured I'd just
make you help me smoke a lot of it." So, smoke is what we did. I climbed up
on top of that bong, and I huffed, and I puffed, and I fell over.
When I woke up, three days had passed. I was in a room in a house I'd
never been in before. There was a lady named Fannie who was yelling at some
dirty faced kids. There was also an older guy eating ice cream out of the
container with a fork. I knew I had made the right decision to start
smoking marijuana again. I think it was a Tuesday, because I had no idea what
day it was, and that is usually the day I come around in the week and say, oh,
yeah, it's a new week.
So, I hope you've all learned something here.
1) Smoking marijuana kills the pain of following your dreams.
2) Smoking marijuana gives you multiple excuses to be able to do things that seem to be stupid ideas to others who are more organized in life.
3) I can't not smoke weed because it's not fun to not be stoned.
JESSICA DELFINO'S MERRY SHITMAS SHOW!
TONITE!
7:30 PM SHARP
$5
at Jimmy's, 43 E. 7th St. (2nd Ave / Bowery)
featuring: Dr. Steam Whipple, Touching You's own line of Christmas Cards, The Secular Voices of Heaven's Horizon, Jessica Delfino's brand of Christmas Cheer, A Visit from a Relative bearing gifts, Jollyship The Whiz-Bang, a bizarre bazaar and a banned video shown on the big screen.
A very short show - one hour in length, chock full of holiday hurray!
A brief, cozy tour to follow promptly:
Wed. Dec. 20th:
The Warehouse Next Door
Washington, DC
9 PM
$7
Thursday, Dec. 21st
305 South Durham
Durham, NC
8 PM
$5
And now...back to our sponsor:
(How) I Got Off My Ass And Got On Drugs (Again)
by Jessica Delfino
I went through a very dark period of my life where I quit smoking
marijuana. I don't like to talk about it or really even think about it, but it was
my life. It happened to me.
Every day of not being stoned was like a different day over and over
again for me. There I'd be, just sitting, watching tv, eating a whole entire
bag of donuts with one hand and a whole entire bag of popcorn or peanuts
with the other, when I realized, you know what? I'm not stoned and I'm still
engaging in the munchies like I never stopped smoking pot. I've got all
the food and none of the buzz. I don't like this feeling. It made me feel
like I was truly on my way to being fat without any reason behind it. I didn't
want to be one of those fat people. I wanted to know exactly how it had
happened. I wanted to be able to blame it on marijuana.
What is the most important thing in my life, I asked myself, hypothetically,
not exactly expecting myself to answer out loud back to me. But strangely, I
did answer myself. And this is what I said. "Marijuana, and comedy.
Comedy is the most important thing to me. I love it. I like to make people
laugh. I like to make myself laugh at myself making people laugh. There are many
levels to it. It runs very deep. It's sort of interesting, and at the
same time not, really. Marijuana is the thing that makes comedy not feel so
depressing and also makes eating for four fun."
What I said really affected me. I was like, "Hey, wait a minute, me.
You've got some really good insight here. But here you are, sitting on the
couch, stuffing your face and not prioritizing. You know what is important to
you, yet you are not doing that thing."
And I had me. It was totally true. I should have been out doing comedy,
my lips fresh off a fat doobie. So I called up my friend who is always
quick to try to push a joint down my lungs. I said, "Hey. What are you doing?"
And he was like, "Nothing." And I was like, "I was wondering if you know any
spots tonight?" And he was like, "Why don't you come over and we'll smoke
this J, then we'll go do a spot?" And I was like, "I don't smoke weed." And he
was like, "It makes comedy fun and not depressing. Those are your words,
you know." And I was like, "I'll be right over."
I arrived with a bag of chips as an offering, because I don't know how
to pick wine out the right way. I gave him the chips. He was standing on a
ladder, packing a fourteen foot bong. He was scooping the marijuana out
of a cat litter bag with a pair of salad tongs. He looked at me like I'd
just walked in on him wacking his bag off. And in a way, I felt like I had.
I was like, "Um...I thought we were gonna smoke a J or whatever." He was
like, "Well, I have a lot of weed and you don't smoke, so I figured I'd just
make you help me smoke a lot of it." So, smoke is what we did. I climbed up
on top of that bong, and I huffed, and I puffed, and I fell over.
When I woke up, three days had passed. I was in a room in a house I'd
never been in before. There was a lady named Fannie who was yelling at some
dirty faced kids. There was also an older guy eating ice cream out of the
container with a fork. I knew I had made the right decision to start
smoking marijuana again. I think it was a Tuesday, because I had no idea what
day it was, and that is usually the day I come around in the week and say, oh,
yeah, it's a new week.
So, I hope you've all learned something here.
1) Smoking marijuana kills the pain of following your dreams.
2) Smoking marijuana gives you multiple excuses to be able to do things that seem to be stupid ideas to others who are more organized in life.
3) I can't not smoke weed because it's not fun to not be stoned.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Funny!
I'm pretty tickled by this video - It's a "reaction" video to some people watching my video for my song, "My Pussy Is Magic".
REACTION VIDEO
Was this a class assignment? And is the guy in the video related to Todd Montessi? This new art makes questions in me arise. Perhaps the answers I will never know.
I'm pretty tickled by this video - It's a "reaction" video to some people watching my video for my song, "My Pussy Is Magic".
REACTION VIDEO
Was this a class assignment? And is the guy in the video related to Todd Montessi? This new art makes questions in me arise. Perhaps the answers I will never know.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Holiday Fun!
Tis the season for corporate Christmas parties! As far as work place parties go, I'd have to say that comedy venue holiday parties are as good as it gets when it comes to places that you work at that have parties.
Sure, all work place parties are pretty much the same - free food, free booze, upped opportunities to bang that person, who, any other time of the year, it'd be straight up not possible. Thank Jesus for crippling seasonal depression!
I went to a fun party this week at the fabulous mid-town venue, Ars Nova. What a sweet spot that place is! Besides the fact that they treat their performers the way performers (much less human beings) should be treated, (take a note all you shit hole comedy clubs!) the venue itself is beautiful.
Rebecca Drysdale duets with her tit
The party was a great time, with tons of free booze and hot, tasty food, a very bizarre show to watch while woofing down cupload after cupload of top shelf liquor, in the theme of a Winter Prom.
There were perfomers of all ilk; comedians, musicians, burlesquies, and Nellie McKay, whom I love, headlined with two of her hits. Also, I was surprised to see so many trannies. I fit right in, as I was dressed like a gay man, which is my preferred way to dress. I found my fashion soul mate in Kurt Braunohler.
Love lifted us up to where we belonged
A good time was had by all.
Tis the season for corporate Christmas parties! As far as work place parties go, I'd have to say that comedy venue holiday parties are as good as it gets when it comes to places that you work at that have parties.
Sure, all work place parties are pretty much the same - free food, free booze, upped opportunities to bang that person, who, any other time of the year, it'd be straight up not possible. Thank Jesus for crippling seasonal depression!
I went to a fun party this week at the fabulous mid-town venue, Ars Nova. What a sweet spot that place is! Besides the fact that they treat their performers the way performers (much less human beings) should be treated, (take a note all you shit hole comedy clubs!) the venue itself is beautiful.
Rebecca Drysdale duets with her tit
The party was a great time, with tons of free booze and hot, tasty food, a very bizarre show to watch while woofing down cupload after cupload of top shelf liquor, in the theme of a Winter Prom.
There were perfomers of all ilk; comedians, musicians, burlesquies, and Nellie McKay, whom I love, headlined with two of her hits. Also, I was surprised to see so many trannies. I fit right in, as I was dressed like a gay man, which is my preferred way to dress. I found my fashion soul mate in Kurt Braunohler.
Love lifted us up to where we belonged
A good time was had by all.
Monday, December 11, 2006
A BUTTLOAD OF NEWS in DELFINO LAND!
Dame Darcy, my favorite witch princess, has just finished up her bi-coastal tour with her absolutely awesome roth-electonic (rock + goth = roth) band, "Death By Doll". While she was in NYC, my side-project freak-out histrionic fear-metal quartet, "Haunted Pussy" played with Death By Doll, The Bellmer Dolls and Michael Portnoy at Tonic. Here is her review of the show, sent out in a mass-email:
The Dame
NEW YORK! NEW YORK! Ahhh where to begin! How much do I love thee let me
count the ways
1) Bellmer dolls , you are sooo sweet and it was so nice of you to let DXD
use your practice space.
always the hottest ever (in the male catigory) on the east coast!
2) Michael Portnoi weird and inspiring as usual!
3) And HAUNTED PUSSY!!! I wish I was the master off all the unicorn kingdom,
for if I was, I would give it all and throw the ice cream castle in too for
the lovley, magical, and talented Jessica Delfino! I know I am giving the
impression that this is what Haunted Pussy is about, but Oh to the
contrairy!It is about a young girl who gets locked in her haunted house and
abandoned by her parents where she continues to be raped by ghosts. However, this haunting tale is VERY interpretive, so you'll have to find more details about the mystery for yourself! Jessica's costumes are simply to die for, and that vocal range!
WOW!
Bilge Baron In The Haunted Pussy
You can read more about Dame Darcy and her new book, the illustrated Jane Eyre, at www.damedarcy.com
And you can read more about operatic tone-poem Haunted Pussy at www.hauntedpussy.com
Or visit us on Myspace at: www.myspace.com/hauntedpu55y
(we had to change the S's in "pussy" to 5's because Myspace hates women's bodies)
IN OTHER NOT-SO-SCARY NEWS:
LITTLE BUILDING, the play by Nick Jones that little old me, Jessica Delfino, played a mystical airport in, made the NY TIMES this past Sunday (yesterday). You can read the article HERE
LITTLE BUILDING is back at the end of January. Check back here for more details.
I'm gearing up for my mini Merry Shitmas tour, beginning with the kick-off show in NYC.
Merry Shitmas!
43 E. 7th St. (downstairs)
7:30 PM bizarre holiday bazaar featuring food and treats. This is a place to bag those neat little thingies to give to people that will really make your gift selections stand out. Give gifts that make people say, "oh...wow!" and "hmmmm!" and "where the hell did you get this?" I won't give away the surprises, you'll just have to come to see them. Price range $20 and less.
8 PM - 9 PM sharp - show featuring Christmassy delights The Secular Voices of Heaven's Horizon, Mormon Surprise is Mormon Delicious (Mike Amato) singing a holiday hymn, a visit from a relative bearing gifts for the audience, Jessica Delfino's brand of holiday cheer, and more. A swift, sassy show!
And then to DC, North Carolina and Florida...
A still shot from a secret project...ssshhhhh! More info to come!
Dame Darcy, my favorite witch princess, has just finished up her bi-coastal tour with her absolutely awesome roth-electonic (rock + goth = roth) band, "Death By Doll". While she was in NYC, my side-project freak-out histrionic fear-metal quartet, "Haunted Pussy" played with Death By Doll, The Bellmer Dolls and Michael Portnoy at Tonic. Here is her review of the show, sent out in a mass-email:
The Dame
NEW YORK! NEW YORK! Ahhh where to begin! How much do I love thee let me
count the ways
1) Bellmer dolls , you are sooo sweet and it was so nice of you to let DXD
use your practice space.
always the hottest ever (in the male catigory) on the east coast!
2) Michael Portnoi weird and inspiring as usual!
3) And HAUNTED PUSSY!!! I wish I was the master off all the unicorn kingdom,
for if I was, I would give it all and throw the ice cream castle in too for
the lovley, magical, and talented Jessica Delfino! I know I am giving the
impression that this is what Haunted Pussy is about, but Oh to the
contrairy!It is about a young girl who gets locked in her haunted house and
abandoned by her parents where she continues to be raped by ghosts. However, this haunting tale is VERY interpretive, so you'll have to find more details about the mystery for yourself! Jessica's costumes are simply to die for, and that vocal range!
WOW!
Bilge Baron In The Haunted Pussy
You can read more about Dame Darcy and her new book, the illustrated Jane Eyre, at www.damedarcy.com
And you can read more about operatic tone-poem Haunted Pussy at www.hauntedpussy.com
Or visit us on Myspace at: www.myspace.com/hauntedpu55y
(we had to change the S's in "pussy" to 5's because Myspace hates women's bodies)
IN OTHER NOT-SO-SCARY NEWS:
LITTLE BUILDING, the play by Nick Jones that little old me, Jessica Delfino, played a mystical airport in, made the NY TIMES this past Sunday (yesterday). You can read the article HERE
LITTLE BUILDING is back at the end of January. Check back here for more details.
I'm gearing up for my mini Merry Shitmas tour, beginning with the kick-off show in NYC.
Merry Shitmas!
43 E. 7th St. (downstairs)
7:30 PM bizarre holiday bazaar featuring food and treats. This is a place to bag those neat little thingies to give to people that will really make your gift selections stand out. Give gifts that make people say, "oh...wow!" and "hmmmm!" and "where the hell did you get this?" I won't give away the surprises, you'll just have to come to see them. Price range $20 and less.
8 PM - 9 PM sharp - show featuring Christmassy delights The Secular Voices of Heaven's Horizon, Mormon Surprise is Mormon Delicious (Mike Amato) singing a holiday hymn, a visit from a relative bearing gifts for the audience, Jessica Delfino's brand of holiday cheer, and more. A swift, sassy show!
And then to DC, North Carolina and Florida...
A still shot from a secret project...ssshhhhh! More info to come!
Friday, December 8, 2006
La Superette
Come buy my hand-sewn reusable maxi pads and other artists great awesome home-made art in this eco-friendly bizarre holiday bazaar. Other events also, such as live music & video, performances with hand-made/hacked gear, food, drinks, workshops and fun, as part of Eyebeam's "holiday hackshop".
Saturday, December 9th
12 noon - 10 pm
@
Eyebeam
540 W. 21st St. bet. 10th and 11th Sts.
www.eyebeam.org
www.lasuperette.org
*If you can't make La Superette, I also sell my home-made maxi pads by appointment in the Lower East Side. Email jessdelfino@yahoo.com for more information.
My hand-made "planetary napkins" $5 each
Made with love (oh, and old tee-shirts)
Come buy my hand-sewn reusable maxi pads and other artists great awesome home-made art in this eco-friendly bizarre holiday bazaar. Other events also, such as live music & video, performances with hand-made/hacked gear, food, drinks, workshops and fun, as part of Eyebeam's "holiday hackshop".
Saturday, December 9th
12 noon - 10 pm
@
Eyebeam
540 W. 21st St. bet. 10th and 11th Sts.
www.eyebeam.org
www.lasuperette.org
*If you can't make La Superette, I also sell my home-made maxi pads by appointment in the Lower East Side. Email jessdelfino@yahoo.com for more information.
My hand-made "planetary napkins" $5 each
Made with love (oh, and old tee-shirts)
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
GETTING WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE
A guy wrote me an email from Illinois. He said he was giving thought to coming to my show, and then decided not to come. He told me he lived out in the middle of Illinois. Well, what was he doing on my email list, I wondered? Did he see me perform in Illinois? Did he live in NYC and then move out? Who really gives a crap? Why do I waste my time wondering such stupid thoughts? I must be stupid. I must be a real ass faced hag. I've wasted my life with ass faced hag thoughts!
The correspondence between me and said stranger really opened a lot of thought capsules up in my mind. I realized - I am a woman with questions. And I want answers! No - I demand answers! But then I decided I really don't demand anything. Barely anything at all.
But there are a few things I'd like in this world. I'd like to understand what makes men ticks. Did I say ticks? I meant dicks. What makes men dicks. I'd also like a car that runs on candy or gum. Or air. I'd like a car that runs on air. I'd like my cellphone to not give me brain cancer. I feel the brain cancer growing. It calls me sometimes on my cellphone, just to mock me. I'd like to find that missing shoe that matches the other one that I have. Where is it? Where? I've looked everywhere. I've looked here and there, up and down, right and left. Where is left to look? Nope. I bet I already looked there.
I have a coat that keeps me warm, finally, so I can check that off the list.
But you don't get what you want in life by sitting around and waiting for it to come to you, now, do you? That's not what life is all about.
It's 12:01. I'd like some lunch. You know what? I'm gonna go out there and GET me some lunch! I'm gonna get it!
Above: A hot lunch, sits, ready to enter my ass face
A guy wrote me an email from Illinois. He said he was giving thought to coming to my show, and then decided not to come. He told me he lived out in the middle of Illinois. Well, what was he doing on my email list, I wondered? Did he see me perform in Illinois? Did he live in NYC and then move out? Who really gives a crap? Why do I waste my time wondering such stupid thoughts? I must be stupid. I must be a real ass faced hag. I've wasted my life with ass faced hag thoughts!
The correspondence between me and said stranger really opened a lot of thought capsules up in my mind. I realized - I am a woman with questions. And I want answers! No - I demand answers! But then I decided I really don't demand anything. Barely anything at all.
But there are a few things I'd like in this world. I'd like to understand what makes men ticks. Did I say ticks? I meant dicks. What makes men dicks. I'd also like a car that runs on candy or gum. Or air. I'd like a car that runs on air. I'd like my cellphone to not give me brain cancer. I feel the brain cancer growing. It calls me sometimes on my cellphone, just to mock me. I'd like to find that missing shoe that matches the other one that I have. Where is it? Where? I've looked everywhere. I've looked here and there, up and down, right and left. Where is left to look? Nope. I bet I already looked there.
I have a coat that keeps me warm, finally, so I can check that off the list.
But you don't get what you want in life by sitting around and waiting for it to come to you, now, do you? That's not what life is all about.
It's 12:01. I'd like some lunch. You know what? I'm gonna go out there and GET me some lunch! I'm gonna get it!
Above: A hot lunch, sits, ready to enter my ass face
Saturday, December 2, 2006
CH CH CH CH CHANGES...
Wow. Did you see that shit when I tried to sign into my account? I saw it. Blogger offers a new, updated version of Blogger, and not too incredibly obviously, I might add. From my experience, it almost seemed like it was trying to sneak me onto the new version. And interestingly, you have to have a Google account to get the new blog.
Google - you all know how I feel about Google. And if you don't know, I'll tell you again. Google's Myspace took "My Pussy Is Magic" off the internet. One day after Google bought Myspace.
Need I remind anyone that the makers of Google were also made by vaginas?
I have a bad feeling about this. If Google bought Blogger, you can all say good bye to Jessy Delfino's blog. You saw what they did to my video. The new, updated Blogger asks you to sign a new form, accepting an agreement that surely demands that slang words for "vagina" never be used again!
In other related observations, I have noticed that other parts of the world are getting less sensitive, and gaining maturity. Jay Leno's monologue is getting riskier and riskier, now with jokes about being raped by Shamu. Rape jokes on a late night talk show? Impressive! And the NY-based METRO newspaper recently talked about the Britney Spears incident, using the word, "cooch". Cooch? Advanced! In very recent past years, it would have been "private area" or "unmentionables" or some other vague description of what is, oh, only the most important part of all of life and humanity, creator and destroyer of all that is good and evil - that's right - the vagina!
Say it with me at home - va - gi (pronounced j-eye) - na.
The world is at once advancing, and slowing down; a see-saw of yin and yang; a metaphor, quicksand surrounded by rapids, poisonous Tylenol, dogs and cats, living together.
Google, Blogger, you bitches better catch up! Or you shall find yourselves in a pile of space dust. I will not wait for you!
Above: Google, Blogger, tied together, an eternal web of space dust, left behind by advancements in humanity. See you in hell, space fuckers!
Wow. Did you see that shit when I tried to sign into my account? I saw it. Blogger offers a new, updated version of Blogger, and not too incredibly obviously, I might add. From my experience, it almost seemed like it was trying to sneak me onto the new version. And interestingly, you have to have a Google account to get the new blog.
Google - you all know how I feel about Google. And if you don't know, I'll tell you again. Google's Myspace took "My Pussy Is Magic" off the internet. One day after Google bought Myspace.
Need I remind anyone that the makers of Google were also made by vaginas?
I have a bad feeling about this. If Google bought Blogger, you can all say good bye to Jessy Delfino's blog. You saw what they did to my video. The new, updated Blogger asks you to sign a new form, accepting an agreement that surely demands that slang words for "vagina" never be used again!
In other related observations, I have noticed that other parts of the world are getting less sensitive, and gaining maturity. Jay Leno's monologue is getting riskier and riskier, now with jokes about being raped by Shamu. Rape jokes on a late night talk show? Impressive! And the NY-based METRO newspaper recently talked about the Britney Spears incident, using the word, "cooch". Cooch? Advanced! In very recent past years, it would have been "private area" or "unmentionables" or some other vague description of what is, oh, only the most important part of all of life and humanity, creator and destroyer of all that is good and evil - that's right - the vagina!
Say it with me at home - va - gi (pronounced j-eye) - na.
The world is at once advancing, and slowing down; a see-saw of yin and yang; a metaphor, quicksand surrounded by rapids, poisonous Tylenol, dogs and cats, living together.
Google, Blogger, you bitches better catch up! Or you shall find yourselves in a pile of space dust. I will not wait for you!
Above: Google, Blogger, tied together, an eternal web of space dust, left behind by advancements in humanity. See you in hell, space fuckers!
Friday, December 1, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
WEIRD GIFTS
Maybe it has something to do with the songs I sing, but I get lots of strange gifts from my friends.
...like a solid milk chocolate bird...
...a plastic toy pop-singing stick figure...
...beta...
...a stress tit...
...and my favorite one so far...from Japan...
...a magical singing poo...
It's like a regular Spencer's Gifts in here. But normal gifts would never do. Thanks for the chocolate turkeys, squeezable boobs and singing shits, friends.
Maybe it has something to do with the songs I sing, but I get lots of strange gifts from my friends.
...like a solid milk chocolate bird...
...a plastic toy pop-singing stick figure...
...beta...
...a stress tit...
...and my favorite one so far...from Japan...
...a magical singing poo...
It's like a regular Spencer's Gifts in here. But normal gifts would never do. Thanks for the chocolate turkeys, squeezable boobs and singing shits, friends.
Phrases that will live in infamy
They forgot "My Pussy Is Magic".
from ASSOCIATED PRESS:
Sometimes it takes only a word, or just a few, to become immortalized in television history.
The TV Land cable network has compiled a list of the 100 greatest catchphrases in TV, from the serious - Walter Cronkite's nightly signoff "And that's the way it is" - to the silly: "We are two wild and crazy guys!"
The network will air a countdown special, "The 100 Greatest TV Quotes & Catch Phrases," over five days starting Dec. 11.
"We have found that television is such a huge part of baby boomers' DNA that it makes sense that so much of America's pop culture jargon has come from TV," said Larry Jones, TV Land president.
The greatest number of moments, 26, come from the 1970s. TV Land identified nine moments from this decade. Ten are from commercials, and 28 from comedies, including six from "Saturday Night Live."
In alphabetical order, TV Land's list:
• "Aaay" (Fonzie, "Happy Days")
• "And that's the way it is" (Walter Cronkite, "CBS Evening News
• "Ask not what your country can do for you ..." (John F. Kennedy)
• "Baby, you're the greatest" (Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden, "The Honeymooners")
• "Bam!" (Emeril Lagasse, "Emeril Live")
• "Book 'em, Danno" (Steve McGarrett, "Hawaii Five-O")
• "Come on down!" (Johnny Olson, "The Price is Right")
• "Danger, Will Robinson" (Robot, "Lost in Space")
• "De plane! De plane!" (Tattoo, "Fantasy Island")
• "Denny Crane" (Denny Crane, "Boston Legal")
• "Do you believe in miracles?" (Al Michaels, 1980 Winter Olympics)
• "D'oh!" (Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons")
• "Don't make me angry ..." (David Banner, "The Incredible Hulk")
• "Dyn-o-mite" (J.J., "Good Times")
• "Elizabeth, I'm coming!" (Fred Sanford, "Sanford and Son")
• "Gee, Mrs. Cleaver ..." (Eddie Haskell, "Leave it to Beaver")
• "God'll get you for that" (Maude, "Maude")
• "Good grief" (Charlie Brown, "Peanuts" specials)
• "Good night, and good luck" (Edward R. Murrow, "See It Now")
• "Good night, John Boy" ("The Waltons")
• "Have you no sense of decency?" (Joseph Welch to Sen. McCarthy)
• "Heh heh" (Beavis and Butt-head, "Beavis and Butthead")
• "Here it is, your moment of Zen" (Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show")
• "Here's Johnny!" (Ed McMahon, "The Tonight Show")
• "Hey now!" (Hank Kingsley, "The Larry Sanders Show")
• "Hey hey hey!" (Dwayne Nelson, "What's Happening!!")
• "Hey hey hey!" (Fat Albert, "Fat Albert")
• "Holy (whatever), Batman!" (Robin, "Batman")
• "Holy crap!" (Frank Barone, "Everybody Loves Raymond")
• "Homey don't play that!" (Homey the Clown, "In Living Color")
• "How sweet it is!" (Jackie Gleason, "The Jackie Gleason Show")
• "How you doin'?" (Joey Tribbiani, "Friends")
• "I can't believe I ate the whole thing" (Alka Seltzer ad)
• "I know nothing!" (Sgt. Schultz, "Hogan's Heroes")
• "I love it when a plan comes together" (Hannibal, "The A-Team")
• "I want my MTV!" (MTV ad)
• "I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl ..." (Larry, "Newhart")
• "I'm not a crook ..." (Richard Nixon)
• "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV" (Vicks Formula 44 ad)
• "I'm Rick James, b----!" (Dave Chappelle as Rick James, "Chappelle's Show")
• "If it weren't for you meddling kids!" (Various villains, "Scooby Doo, Where Are You?")
• "Is that your final answer?" (Regis Philbin, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire")
• "It keeps going and going and going ..." (Energizer Batteries ad)
• "It takes a licking ..." (Timex ad)
• "Jane, you ignorant slut" (Dan Aykroyd to Jane Curtin, "Saturday Night Live")
• "Just one more thing ..." (Columbo, "Columbo")
• "Let's be careful out there" (Sgt. Esterhaus, "Hill Street Blues")
• "Let's get ready to rumble!" (Michael Buffer, various sports events)
• "Live long and prosper" (Spock, "Star Trek")
• "Makin' whoopie" (Bob Eubanks, "The Newlywed Game")
• "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! (Jan Brady, "The Brady Bunch")
• "Mom always liked you best" (Tommy Smothers, "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour")
• "Never assume ..." (Felix Unger, "The Odd Couple")
• "Nip it!" (Barney Fife, "The Andy Griffith Show")
• "No soup for you!" (The Soup Nazi, "Seinfeld")
• "Norm!" ("Cheers")
• "Now cut that out!" (Jack Benny, "The Jack Benny Program")
• "Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!" (Stan and Kyle, "South Park")
• "Oh, my nose!" (Marcia Brady, "The Brady Bunch")
• "One small step for man ..." (Neil Armstrong)
• "Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?" (Grey Poupon ad)
• "Read my lips: No new taxes!" (George H.W. Bush)
• "Resistance is futile" (Picard as Borg, "Star Trek: The Next Generation")
• "Say good night, Gracie" (George Burns, "The Burns & Allen Show")
• "Schwing!" (Mike Myers and Dana Carvey as Wayne and Garth, "SNL")
• "Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy" (Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle)
• "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids" (Trix cereal ad)
• "Smile, you're on "Candid Camera'" ("Candid Camera")
• "Sock it to me" ("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In")
• "Space, the final frontier ..." (Capt. Kirk, "Star Trek")
• "Stifle!" (Archie Bunker, "All in the Family")
• "Suit up!" (Barney Stinson, "How I Met Your Mother")
• "Tastes great! Less filling!" (Miller Lite beer ad)
• "Tell me what you don't like about yourself" (Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy, "Nip/Tuck")
• "That's hot" (Paris Hilton, "The Simple Life")
• "The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat" (Jim McKay, "ABC's Wide World of Sports")
• "The tribe has spoken" (Jeff Probst, "Survivor")
• "The truth is out there" (Fox Mulder, "The X-Files")
• "This is the city ..." (Sgt. Joe Friday, "Dragnet")
• "Time to make the donuts" ("Dunkin' Donuts" ad)
• "Two thumbs up" (Siskel & Ebert, "Siskel & Ebert")
• "Up your nose with a rubber hose" (Vinnie Barbarino, "Welcome Back, Kotter")
• "We are two wild and crazy guys!" (Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd as Czech playboys, "SNL")
• "Welcome to the O.C., b----" (Luke, "The O.C.")
• "Well, isn't that special?" (Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, "SNL")
• "We've got a really big show!" (Ed Sullivan, "The Ed Sullivan Show")
• "Whassup?" (Budweiser ad)
• "What you see is what you get!" (Geraldine, "The Flip Wilson Show")
• "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" (Arnold Drummond, "Diff'rent Strokes")
• "Where's the beef?" (Wendy's ad)
• "Who loves you, baby?" (Kojak, "Kojak")
• "Would you believe?" (Maxwell Smart, "Get Smart")
• "Yabba dabba do!" (Fred Flintstone, "The Flintstones")
• "Yada, yada, yada" ("Seinfeld")
• "Yeah, that's the ticket" (Jon Lovitz as the pathological liar, "SNL")
• "You eeeediot!" (Ren, "Ren & Stimpy")
• "You look mahvelous!" (Billy Crystal as Fernando, "SNL")
• "You rang?" (Lurch, "The Addams Family")
• "You're fired!" (Donald Trump, "The Apprentice")
• "You've got spunk ..." (Lou Grant, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show")
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
TONITE!
The last episode of Jessica Delfino Is Sorry To Disturb You!
10 PM
$5
Rififi
332 E. 11th St.
NYC
Live taping in progress tonight for international distribution, so come get your seat in this zippity zappity vehicle to worldwide stardom!
And see MY PUSSY IS MAGIC on a huge screen. If you haven't seen it on the big screen. You've never seen a vagina song until you've seen it 13 x 9.
JD is STDY: with Jessica Delfino, Mike Amato, Margaret Champagne, Sue Ball and many other special guests. Surprises galore!
The last episode of Jessica Delfino Is Sorry To Disturb You!
10 PM
$5
Rififi
332 E. 11th St.
NYC
Live taping in progress tonight for international distribution, so come get your seat in this zippity zappity vehicle to worldwide stardom!
And see MY PUSSY IS MAGIC on a huge screen. If you haven't seen it on the big screen. You've never seen a vagina song until you've seen it 13 x 9.
JD is STDY: with Jessica Delfino, Mike Amato, Margaret Champagne, Sue Ball and many other special guests. Surprises galore!
Monday, November 27, 2006
TONITE
Christopher's monthly variety shows are always a very diverse, dazzling blender of delights! Come see what's cooking tonight at 8 PM. More details below...
cxb's
NIGHT OF A SHITLOAD OF STARS!
nyc's most furious and artistic variety show
TONITE: monday november 27
$5 or PAY WHAT YOU WANT!
8PM SHARP (til 10pm)
FEATURING many acts, like:
MARIO Queen Of The Circus (freddy mercury juggling??!)
HOWLING VIC (smarter broad than most burlesquers!)
ADIRA AMRAM (short film, and a song about Mortal Kombat!)
THE BITTER POET (an extra side of angst!)
JESSICA DELFINO (filthy songs and jokes)
BARRY AGIDA (motivational speech to Mahavishnu!?)
XAR! (power-goof / idiot-avant / majestic electro)
THE ODEBRA TWINS (live "gyno exam"?!)
STUCKY & MURRAY (vulgar bluegrass boys)
MORMON SURPRISE is MORMON DELICIOUS (bill cosby meets bing crosby!?)
TOUCHING YOU (rocking some of his jail power-anthems!!)
DR. STEAMWHIPPLE (gorgeous classical guitar!)
S.A.M. (post-blues smartass)
CHRISTINE (world's greatest / worst lip-syncer!)
we hope the holidays will not deter thou from coming to see some brilliant acts while the world dies slowly!
bowery poetry club
308 bowery @ bleecker/houston
TOMORROW
Come see my LAST showing of JESSICA DELFINO IS SORRY TO DISTURB YOU!
Tuesday, Nov. 28th
Rififi / Cinema Classics
332 E. 11th St.
10 PM Sharp-ish
$5
Christopher's monthly variety shows are always a very diverse, dazzling blender of delights! Come see what's cooking tonight at 8 PM. More details below...
cxb's
NIGHT OF A SHITLOAD OF STARS!
nyc's most furious and artistic variety show
TONITE: monday november 27
$5 or PAY WHAT YOU WANT!
8PM SHARP (til 10pm)
FEATURING many acts, like:
MARIO Queen Of The Circus (freddy mercury juggling??!)
HOWLING VIC (smarter broad than most burlesquers!)
ADIRA AMRAM (short film, and a song about Mortal Kombat!)
THE BITTER POET (an extra side of angst!)
JESSICA DELFINO (filthy songs and jokes)
BARRY AGIDA (motivational speech to Mahavishnu!?)
XAR! (power-goof / idiot-avant / majestic electro)
THE ODEBRA TWINS (live "gyno exam"?!)
STUCKY & MURRAY (vulgar bluegrass boys)
MORMON SURPRISE is MORMON DELICIOUS (bill cosby meets bing crosby!?)
TOUCHING YOU (rocking some of his jail power-anthems!!)
DR. STEAMWHIPPLE (gorgeous classical guitar!)
S.A.M. (post-blues smartass)
CHRISTINE (world's greatest / worst lip-syncer!)
we hope the holidays will not deter thou from coming to see some brilliant acts while the world dies slowly!
bowery poetry club
308 bowery @ bleecker/houston
TOMORROW
Come see my LAST showing of JESSICA DELFINO IS SORRY TO DISTURB YOU!
Tuesday, Nov. 28th
Rififi / Cinema Classics
332 E. 11th St.
10 PM Sharp-ish
$5
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
LITTLE BUILDING REVIEWED!
Read it HERE at MURPHGUIDE.COM
The last LITTLE BUILDING is this FRIDAY (two days from now), Nov. 24th
8 PM sharp
Tickets are $12 at the door or $10 at www.smarttix.com
...and go see Shockwave's cool ongoing MIXTAPE show if you can, at Ars Nova. Here's a photo from the last show, which I was in along with Carolyn Castiglia and Eliza Skinner, The Rob and Mark Show, Zero Boy and many other talented musical funny people.
Read it HERE at MURPHGUIDE.COM
The last LITTLE BUILDING is this FRIDAY (two days from now), Nov. 24th
8 PM sharp
Tickets are $12 at the door or $10 at www.smarttix.com
...and go see Shockwave's cool ongoing MIXTAPE show if you can, at Ars Nova. Here's a photo from the last show, which I was in along with Carolyn Castiglia and Eliza Skinner, The Rob and Mark Show, Zero Boy and many other talented musical funny people.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
PAINTED PUSSY
Do you like porn? If so, I don't think you'll like this link. But you'll think maybe it will be something you will like. Also, if you like crappy computer program art, you may enjoy this link. Thanks to my friend for sending it to me. I don't know if he wants to be linked to this link or not. Like when porn gets sent in anonymous envelopes to your home or work place. I think it is like that.
CLICK HERE FOR PORN!!!
Do you like porn? If so, I don't think you'll like this link. But you'll think maybe it will be something you will like. Also, if you like crappy computer program art, you may enjoy this link. Thanks to my friend for sending it to me. I don't know if he wants to be linked to this link or not. Like when porn gets sent in anonymous envelopes to your home or work place. I think it is like that.
CLICK HERE FOR PORN!!!
Monday, November 20, 2006
JESSICA DELFINO IS "SORRY" TO DISTURB YOU...
Here is a short segment from last week's show. If you haven't seen my resident series show at Rififi yet, you still have TWO more chances:
TOMORROW, Tuesday, November 21st and
NEXT Tuesday, November 28th
10 PM (sharp-ish)
$5
Rififi / Cinema Classics
332 E. 11th St.
No two shows are the same! The show is called a "solo" show, but it is really no such thing. Many of my favorite comedy guests will also entertain you with surprise appearances in the show (different performers every week) playing characters through out the show. There are also short films, (including "My Pussy Is Magic" which was recently KICKED OFF THE INTERNET for being too awesome), jokes and songs; some classics and some from the never before heard Jessica Delfino vaults.
Come and join in the obscenity before obscenity is outlawed!
Here is a short segment from last week's show. If you haven't seen my resident series show at Rififi yet, you still have TWO more chances:
TOMORROW, Tuesday, November 21st and
NEXT Tuesday, November 28th
10 PM (sharp-ish)
$5
Rififi / Cinema Classics
332 E. 11th St.
No two shows are the same! The show is called a "solo" show, but it is really no such thing. Many of my favorite comedy guests will also entertain you with surprise appearances in the show (different performers every week) playing characters through out the show. There are also short films, (including "My Pussy Is Magic" which was recently KICKED OFF THE INTERNET for being too awesome), jokes and songs; some classics and some from the never before heard Jessica Delfino vaults.
Come and join in the obscenity before obscenity is outlawed!
Thursday, November 16, 2006
FUN TIME WITH PHOTOS
Delfino plays a fortune-telling airport...Can anyone say "typecast" ???
I know, I know...you are dying to see some photos from the first "Little Building" showing in Brooklyn last Friday. Well, I have magical powers, if you don't know. So, click on the link below to have your wishes answered. There are only two shows left! It's a pretty great play, even if I do say so myself, and I am in it. If you've ever seen Jollyship The Whiz-Bang and loved what they do, you may also dig this shizzy. If you've never seen them, what the hell are you doing with your life? And also, this play is kid friendly, so bring the rug rats. Last week, the show got a Voice Choice in the Village Voice and was pretty full, so advance tickets are recommended.
Friday Nov. 17th and Friday Nov. 24th
8 PM
Tickets are $12 or $10 if you get them at www.smarttix.com
Galapagos Art Space
70 N. 6th St. Williamsburg
www.galapagosartspace.com
See More Photos Here
Delfino plays a fortune-telling airport...Can anyone say "typecast" ??? I know, I know...you are dying to see some photos from the first "Little Building" showing in Brooklyn last Friday. Well, I have magical powers, if you don't know. So, click on the link below to have your wishes answered. There are only two shows left! It's a pretty great play, even if I do say so myself, and I am in it. If you've ever seen Jollyship The Whiz-Bang and loved what they do, you may also dig this shizzy. If you've never seen them, what the hell are you doing with your life? And also, this play is kid friendly, so bring the rug rats. Last week, the show got a Voice Choice in the Village Voice and was pretty full, so advance tickets are recommended.
Friday Nov. 17th and Friday Nov. 24th
8 PM
Tickets are $12 or $10 if you get them at www.smarttix.com
Galapagos Art Space
70 N. 6th St. Williamsburg
www.galapagosartspace.com
See More Photos Here
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
CHUCK NORRIS JOKES
I probably shouldn't even be printing this...Chuck Norris might round house kick me in the face if he ever found out. Who wrote these jokes? And why? Also, don't forget to come to see my show tonight at Rififi at 10 PM, (332 E. 11 St.). It's different than it was last week. $5 for all that fun. And now on to the Chuck Norris jokes, sent to me by my friend Becky. There are a lot of them. I hope you have a pillow and some aspercreme.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he
gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never
cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not
because he is gay, but because he has run out of
women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper
clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard
that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in
time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying
over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down
until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always
says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds
to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck
Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck
Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his
mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video
game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every
button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked
bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no
glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse
kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck
roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't
stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck
Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by
giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the
farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal,
breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that
Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood
a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five
months later he realized the irony of this statement
and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,
Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting
them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are
hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth
Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard".
Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism,
used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted
from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer.
Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for
2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only
to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to
people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is
only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field
goal of a high school football game. When the football
went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick
the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the
uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the
stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was
actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck
Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single
show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and
Order are trademarked names for his left and right
legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does
not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather
roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before
you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a
fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck
Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates
never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine
as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red
Bull.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all
shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he
replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and
roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors
beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time?
Answer: Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away
from death.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a
situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead
doesn't work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are
actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the
dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the
world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck
Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so
hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the
scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he
swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse
ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at
McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked
the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely
responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he
will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a
game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by
roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can
be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just
check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life.
Never.
When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one
thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it
honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his
finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of
space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is
invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and
poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time.
It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker
despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of
spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly
'get out of jail free' card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates
karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris
is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may
be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find
one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure
enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a
bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and
then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris
yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave
things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris
accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be
familiar with it to this very day by its technical
term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box
jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous
creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a
human being experiences the following symptoms: fever,
blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans,
and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a
car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens
to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the
actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that
autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation,
Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise
warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
I probably shouldn't even be printing this...Chuck Norris might round house kick me in the face if he ever found out. Who wrote these jokes? And why? Also, don't forget to come to see my show tonight at Rififi at 10 PM, (332 E. 11 St.). It's different than it was last week. $5 for all that fun. And now on to the Chuck Norris jokes, sent to me by my friend Becky. There are a lot of them. I hope you have a pillow and some aspercreme.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he
gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never
cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not
because he is gay, but because he has run out of
women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper
clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard
that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in
time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying
over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down
until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always
says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds
to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck
Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck
Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his
mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video
game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every
button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked
bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no
glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse
kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck
roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't
stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck
Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by
giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the
farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal,
breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that
Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood
a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five
months later he realized the irony of this statement
and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,
Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting
them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are
hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth
Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard".
Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism,
used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted
from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer.
Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for
2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only
to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to
people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is
only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field
goal of a high school football game. When the football
went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick
the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the
uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the
stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was
actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck
Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single
show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and
Order are trademarked names for his left and right
legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does
not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather
roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before
you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a
fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck
Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates
never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine
as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red
Bull.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all
shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he
replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and
roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors
beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time?
Answer: Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away
from death.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a
situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead
doesn't work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are
actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the
dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the
world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck
Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so
hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the
scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he
swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse
ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at
McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked
the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely
responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he
will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a
game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by
roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can
be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just
check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life.
Never.
When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one
thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it
honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his
finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of
space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is
invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and
poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time.
It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker
despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of
spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly
'get out of jail free' card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates
karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris
is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may
be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find
one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure
enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a
bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and
then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris
yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave
things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris
accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be
familiar with it to this very day by its technical
term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box
jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous
creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a
human being experiences the following symptoms: fever,
blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans,
and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a
car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens
to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the
actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that
autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation,
Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise
warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
Friday, November 10, 2006
THE PERFECT COMEDY FACE?
This is one of the weirdest reports I've ever seen. Supposedly, scientists have invented "the perfect comedy face" (?) for some reason. I barely even know what that is supposed to mean. Um...aren't scientists supposed to be curing cancer?
According to this article, "the perfect comedy face" is full of soft, feminine features. Such as this gal's:
Kristen Schaal
The article then goes on to explain that is what makes Ricky Gervais so damn funny.
Perhaps this is why Reggie Watts won the Andy Kaufman Award ($5000!) last night...
*************************************
Delfino, pictured, with her face full of soft, feminine, hilarious features, can be seen tonight at Galapagos at 8 PM in "Jolly-Ship The Whiz-Bang's new play, "Little Building".
This is one of the weirdest reports I've ever seen. Supposedly, scientists have invented "the perfect comedy face" (?) for some reason. I barely even know what that is supposed to mean. Um...aren't scientists supposed to be curing cancer?
According to this article, "the perfect comedy face" is full of soft, feminine features. Such as this gal's:
Kristen Schaal
The article then goes on to explain that is what makes Ricky Gervais so damn funny.
Perhaps this is why Reggie Watts won the Andy Kaufman Award ($5000!) last night...
*************************************
Delfino, pictured, with her face full of soft, feminine, hilarious features, can be seen tonight at Galapagos at 8 PM in "Jolly-Ship The Whiz-Bang's new play, "Little Building".
Wednesday, November 8, 2006
Look at my pretty mommy...
This was back before she had any cellulite. Not that she has any now. She has the body of a jogger. And she doesn't even jog. It's amazing. It's like she's trying to show me up with her fine physique. I get it, Mom. You're hot.
In this photo, she was 18. The year was 1976. She looks a little like Janet Jackson. Steely Dan had just written the hit, "FM" for the film, "FM". Remember FM - the concept? How many of you still listen to the radio? I listen to the radio. I listen to it in the shower. I listen as I wash, and then sometimes I dance.
This was back before she had any cellulite. Not that she has any now. She has the body of a jogger. And she doesn't even jog. It's amazing. It's like she's trying to show me up with her fine physique. I get it, Mom. You're hot.
In this photo, she was 18. The year was 1976. She looks a little like Janet Jackson. Steely Dan had just written the hit, "FM" for the film, "FM". Remember FM - the concept? How many of you still listen to the radio? I listen to the radio. I listen to it in the shower. I listen as I wash, and then sometimes I dance.
Monday, November 6, 2006
Jessica Delfino Is Sorry To Disturb You
My November series begins tomorrow,
TUESDAY night at 10 PM at
RIFIFI / Cinema Classics
$5
Every Tuesday in November, 10 PM
$5
Featuring special appearances by: Mike Dobbins, Ben Lerman, Geoff Haggerty of Elephant Larry, Margaret Champaigne, Michael I, Mike Amato, Daniel Michael and others.
You will see old stuff, new stuff, borrowed stuff and blue stuff. That's my promise to you. A variety of stuff. A new show every week!
Thursday, November 2, 2006
WHAT TO DO FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 3rd
Hey everyone. Remember when you used to make mixed tapes? I don't remember, either. However, there is a show this Friday, November 3rd that remembers. How 'bout you swing by and simultaneously get your comedy and rock on?
ARS NOVA
511 W. 54TH (10TH/11TH)
$12
8 PM
www.arsnovanyc.com
If you are a budget minded soul, you'll appreciate this code which brings the price down from 12$ to 8$ on smarttix.com. The code is SHOCK
Click here to get your discount tickets
Tons of superb acts join together to make merry music! If from what I gather has been correctly gathered, you will hear Soce The Elemental Wizard wiz it up. (He's white and he raps! Funny!) You will see Cock Lorge unleash a monster on your ass! You will watch as Erin and her Cello go "ba domb domb domb domb don don don doop da doop doop" and shit. You will witness a Rob and a Mark! A Zero Boy! An Eliza Skinner! And the beat goes on and on and on...you're gonna shit yourself. That's a promise.
Hey everyone. Remember when you used to make mixed tapes? I don't remember, either. However, there is a show this Friday, November 3rd that remembers. How 'bout you swing by and simultaneously get your comedy and rock on?
ARS NOVA
511 W. 54TH (10TH/11TH)
$12
8 PM
www.arsnovanyc.com
If you are a budget minded soul, you'll appreciate this code which brings the price down from 12$ to 8$ on smarttix.com. The code is SHOCK
Click here to get your discount tickets
Tons of superb acts join together to make merry music! If from what I gather has been correctly gathered, you will hear Soce The Elemental Wizard wiz it up. (He's white and he raps! Funny!) You will see Cock Lorge unleash a monster on your ass! You will watch as Erin and her Cello go "ba domb domb domb domb don don don doop da doop doop" and shit. You will witness a Rob and a Mark! A Zero Boy! An Eliza Skinner! And the beat goes on and on and on...you're gonna shit yourself. That's a promise.
Monday, October 30, 2006
5 Reasons You Should Take Me On Tour With You
1. I have friends in every major city
2. I'm not too good to carry gear
3. I can drive a stick, have valid license
4. I only bring two bags - one guitar, and one small suitcase
5. I give superb road head
Come see what you'd be getting yourself into - TONIGHT
8 PM - Bowery Poetry Club
I'll be singing jail themed songs I wrote on Christopher X. Brodeur's "Songs From Prison" show. (The concept of the show is, songs he wrote in prison on the taxpayer's dime, plus special guests, such as Ambrose Martos, myself and others.
$5
10 PM - Bowery Poetry Club
I'll be leading the spooky ghost-rock band, Haunted Pussy at 10 PM on
the lovely O'Debra Twins' "Show N Tell" show.
$3
1. I have friends in every major city
2. I'm not too good to carry gear
3. I can drive a stick, have valid license
4. I only bring two bags - one guitar, and one small suitcase
5. I give superb road head
Come see what you'd be getting yourself into - TONIGHT
8 PM - Bowery Poetry Club
I'll be singing jail themed songs I wrote on Christopher X. Brodeur's "Songs From Prison" show. (The concept of the show is, songs he wrote in prison on the taxpayer's dime, plus special guests, such as Ambrose Martos, myself and others.
$5
10 PM - Bowery Poetry Club
I'll be leading the spooky ghost-rock band, Haunted Pussy at 10 PM on
the lovely O'Debra Twins' "Show N Tell" show.
$3
Thursday, October 26, 2006
THE KIDS ARE JUST SO CREATIVE THESE DAYS!
An adorable teenager from Massachusetts sent a letter to me, featuring this beautiful hand-decorated envelope. If I had my way, every piece of mail would look like this. Imagine if your phone bills looked like this? It would be a delight to open them!
The medium appears to be black, blue and red "pen", one of my preferred mediums, as well. Hopefully she drew this in class. Note the bleeding person has only one boot. What happened to the other boot? Perhaps it fell off as she ran to the ladies room. Perhaps it got covered in her oozing womanliness and she threw it in the trash en route. Perhaps it got stolen.
The words on the envelope are from a song I wrote called, "Sudden Change", which you can hear by clicking on the "SONGS" link above.
Polina, this envelope is so beautiful and I was so happy to receive it, I almost forgot that my broken life is unrepairable!
So thanks for that, and keep 'em coming.
An adorable teenager from Massachusetts sent a letter to me, featuring this beautiful hand-decorated envelope. If I had my way, every piece of mail would look like this. Imagine if your phone bills looked like this? It would be a delight to open them!
The medium appears to be black, blue and red "pen", one of my preferred mediums, as well. Hopefully she drew this in class. Note the bleeding person has only one boot. What happened to the other boot? Perhaps it fell off as she ran to the ladies room. Perhaps it got covered in her oozing womanliness and she threw it in the trash en route. Perhaps it got stolen.
The words on the envelope are from a song I wrote called, "Sudden Change", which you can hear by clicking on the "SONGS" link above.
Polina, this envelope is so beautiful and I was so happy to receive it, I almost forgot that my broken life is unrepairable!
So thanks for that, and keep 'em coming.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
FLAVORPILL KNOWS WHAT'S UP!
I've always thought Flavorpill had the best listings, and now those thoughts have been confirmed 100% as they listed the show I'm in tonight, Wednesday Oct. 25th. Little do they know, I'm the exact opposite of "oversexed" (which is, perhaps, why so many of my songs are about that very thing...)
Thanks for the plug, LT. Way to watch out for a gal, Misha V.
SEE THE FLAVORPILL LISTING (AND MORE FLAVORPILL) HERE
And here:
MC² presents Nucleogenesis feat. Jessica Delfino
when: Wed 10.25 (8pm)
where: Jimmy's No. 43 (43 E 7th St, 212.982.3006) map
price: $7
links: Event Info
Much to YouTube/Google's dismay and online audiences' delight, comic/musician/
wingnut Jessica Delfino one-ups Sarah Silverman's titular Jesus with "My Pussy Is Magic." Tonight the hilarious, oversexed, dirty-folk songstress is joined by standup gal Julie Perkins, and a special "spooky" sketch act from Stacy and Friends, who tackle New York's craziest characters with suggestions from the peanut gallery. Video mavericks/sketch duo the New Normal also perform, sharing lessons on wedgie-picking etiquette and other high-concept art. (LT)
Note: Manhattan Comedy Collective presents Nucleogenesis (with varying performers) every Wed (8pm) through 11.29.
I've always thought Flavorpill had the best listings, and now those thoughts have been confirmed 100% as they listed the show I'm in tonight, Wednesday Oct. 25th. Little do they know, I'm the exact opposite of "oversexed" (which is, perhaps, why so many of my songs are about that very thing...)
Thanks for the plug, LT. Way to watch out for a gal, Misha V.
SEE THE FLAVORPILL LISTING (AND MORE FLAVORPILL) HERE
And here:
MC² presents Nucleogenesis feat. Jessica Delfino
when: Wed 10.25 (8pm)
where: Jimmy's No. 43 (43 E 7th St, 212.982.3006) map
price: $7
links: Event Info
Much to YouTube/Google's dismay and online audiences' delight, comic/musician/
wingnut Jessica Delfino one-ups Sarah Silverman's titular Jesus with "My Pussy Is Magic." Tonight the hilarious, oversexed, dirty-folk songstress is joined by standup gal Julie Perkins, and a special "spooky" sketch act from Stacy and Friends, who tackle New York's craziest characters with suggestions from the peanut gallery. Video mavericks/sketch duo the New Normal also perform, sharing lessons on wedgie-picking etiquette and other high-concept art. (LT)
Note: Manhattan Comedy Collective presents Nucleogenesis (with varying performers) every Wed (8pm) through 11.29.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
TAMPON CRAFTS!!??
All I can say is "Wow" (no period - I'm stuck in eternal awe)
Click here to see the awesome for yourself.
All I can say is "Wow" (no period - I'm stuck in eternal awe)
Click here to see the awesome for yourself.
Friday, October 20, 2006
YOUBOOB - good one!
The Villager had this to say about the Magical Pussy fiasco of 2006:
(You can click on it to make it bigger but it still looks like shit)
Here's the article online: VILLAGER'S OPINION on the MAGIC PUSSY FIASCO
See the Magical Pussy video HERE(it is now called, "Jessica Delfino Is Magic" to trick the porn bots. NOTE: not even slightly pornographic. NOTE: Do not watch this at work unless you work somewhere really laid back, like a dot com run by pot head art lovers or a phone sex shack.)
Visit The Villager, the Lower East Side's premier community newspaper:
www.thevillager.com
Read more about The Magical Pussy fiasco HERE
The Villager had this to say about the Magical Pussy fiasco of 2006:
(You can click on it to make it bigger but it still looks like shit)
Here's the article online: VILLAGER'S OPINION on the MAGIC PUSSY FIASCO
See the Magical Pussy video HERE(it is now called, "Jessica Delfino Is Magic" to trick the porn bots. NOTE: not even slightly pornographic. NOTE: Do not watch this at work unless you work somewhere really laid back, like a dot com run by pot head art lovers or a phone sex shack.)
Visit The Villager, the Lower East Side's premier community newspaper:
www.thevillager.com
Read more about The Magical Pussy fiasco HERE
Monday, October 16, 2006
Everywhere you look around my NYC sized apartment, there are things
Things like a black book shelf (real wood, not that reinforced cardboard Ikea crap wood), stuffed with notebooks (full of hilarity) and papers (everything from CD inserts to clippings of shows I must go see!), CD cases and sleeves (for, you know), containers of various colored glitters (for when I perform, "My Pussy Is Magic" live), glue sticks, VHS tapes & DVDs (of documented Delfino sets!), colored pencils (fancy ones), ink replacement cartridges (it's like I live at a Staples), paper clips (see?), business cards (mine and other people's), rolls of tape and twine, spools of CDs (blank and not so blank), a softball glove, a stapler, a bunch of batteries (some are dead, but I somehow can't bring myself to throw out the dead ones, so now they're all mixed together, ready to wreak havoc on the next electronic thing I have that needs to work right), a hole puncher, a check book (the one thing that proves I'm almost like an adult), a box of slippery elm (maybe two things that prove I'm an adult) - (the pros use it), nail clippers (you need to manage your fingernails in order to play the guitar right), a small clip on fan (to keep me cool while I'm writing the hits), a huge stack of envelopes of all sizes (mostly for fan mail - sending it out, I mean, you know, to all the people I adore, Jessica Simpson, Randy Rhodes, etc.), and if I turn around and look at the cork board, well, that's a blog entry for another time.
My room on a good day (Oooh, too soon?)
Things like a black book shelf (real wood, not that reinforced cardboard Ikea crap wood), stuffed with notebooks (full of hilarity) and papers (everything from CD inserts to clippings of shows I must go see!), CD cases and sleeves (for, you know), containers of various colored glitters (for when I perform, "My Pussy Is Magic" live), glue sticks, VHS tapes & DVDs (of documented Delfino sets!), colored pencils (fancy ones), ink replacement cartridges (it's like I live at a Staples), paper clips (see?), business cards (mine and other people's), rolls of tape and twine, spools of CDs (blank and not so blank), a softball glove, a stapler, a bunch of batteries (some are dead, but I somehow can't bring myself to throw out the dead ones, so now they're all mixed together, ready to wreak havoc on the next electronic thing I have that needs to work right), a hole puncher, a check book (the one thing that proves I'm almost like an adult), a box of slippery elm (maybe two things that prove I'm an adult) - (the pros use it), nail clippers (you need to manage your fingernails in order to play the guitar right), a small clip on fan (to keep me cool while I'm writing the hits), a huge stack of envelopes of all sizes (mostly for fan mail - sending it out, I mean, you know, to all the people I adore, Jessica Simpson, Randy Rhodes, etc.), and if I turn around and look at the cork board, well, that's a blog entry for another time.
My room on a good day (Oooh, too soon?)
Friday, October 13, 2006
photo by Gerry ViscoI Have My Own Line Of Maxi Pads
That's right, you read correctly. I have my own line of maxi pads. One of the times I was on tour with The Trachtenburgs, Tina suggested that I sell more "vagina" related merchandise, such as home-made maxi pads. I was tickled by the suggestion, but said, "Who'd wear a home-made maxi pad?" Tina said, "I wear them. I've been making my own for years." A few months later, Tina and I began our own little sweat-shop in her apartment. We'd crank up the Zeppelin or the ELO or the Cheap Trick (or the Nellie McKay or the Touching You) and set to work cutting out patters, sewing and chatting, while Rachel Trachtenburg scooped us bowls of ice cream, crocheted and made her dolls their own line of clothing.
Tina used vintage fabrics and bright florals, and I opted for soft and strange materials, such as velvets and shimmery sateens. We used towels as filler.
I suggested to Tina that we join together to come up with a good name for our pads. I came up with, "Aunt Florence's Old-Time Home-Made Poonani Rags", but we thought that might not be "commercial" enough for when "Always" brand offers us a billion bucks to buy us out. So, then Tina came up with "Planetary Napkins", and the catch phrase, "recycle your cycle". Awesome!
And I was using the catch phrase, "Treat your vagina like a princess".
I recently taught a little semintar at The Swap-O-Rama-Rama about making your own maxi pads. It was lots of fun! I made and gave away over 50 maxi pads. Lots of people timidly approached my menstruation station, somewhat bewildered by the idea of making their own maxi pads, yet left delighted, new home-made pad in hand and new attitude in head.
photo by Gerry ViscoI've learned lots about alternative methods of taking care of business "down there" since I began. I found out about "Glad Rags", a more elaborate, west-coast version of the mass-produced home-made maxi pad which pre-dates our Planetary Napkins. There is also "the keeper", which is like some kind of crotch cup that collects the blood. Then you dump it out. If you're super hard-core, you pour it into your plants.
If you have to have a crotch, which I do, at least I can put pretty things underneath it. And so can you!
Email me if you want to buy a custom, home-made maxi-pad. I can make them out of my pretty fabrics or out of yours. I sell them for $5 each...
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Seen on Mikedaisey.com:
Boing Boing: China unblocks Wikipedia, even though it won't censor:
China has unblocked Wikipedia. Wikipedia refused to censor itself to appease totalitarian Beijing, but China unblocked it anyway. China needs Wikipedia and Chinese net-users would access it using circumvention tools -- the block on Wikipedia made Chinese Wikipedia users into automatic dissidents.
If only Google, Microsoft and Yahoo had the same courage as Wikipedia, the same confidence that their search-engines were valuable enough to be indispensible.
AND...
My video has been removed once more.
Boing Boing: China unblocks Wikipedia, even though it won't censor:
China has unblocked Wikipedia. Wikipedia refused to censor itself to appease totalitarian Beijing, but China unblocked it anyway. China needs Wikipedia and Chinese net-users would access it using circumvention tools -- the block on Wikipedia made Chinese Wikipedia users into automatic dissidents.
If only Google, Microsoft and Yahoo had the same courage as Wikipedia, the same confidence that their search-engines were valuable enough to be indispensible.
AND...
My video has been removed once more.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
ha HA!
Damn the man!
My Pussy IS Magic. CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO
I wonder how long it will be before this one gets the ax? Interesting, I can google things much worse than magical pussies. Now that google owns youtube, prepare for youtube to start dumping all things funny and fun (relating to vaginas).
I'm going to be showing "My Pussy Is Magic" tonight at UCB on "The Rejection Show" at 8 PM. Come get me, youtube!
Damn the man!
My Pussy IS Magic. CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO
I wonder how long it will be before this one gets the ax? Interesting, I can google things much worse than magical pussies. Now that google owns youtube, prepare for youtube to start dumping all things funny and fun (relating to vaginas).
I'm going to be showing "My Pussy Is Magic" tonight at UCB on "The Rejection Show" at 8 PM. Come get me, youtube!
"MY PUSSY IS MAGIC" BANNED BY YOUTUBE!!!
This morning, "My Pussy Is Magic", the new dance hit video by me, Jessica Delfino, was removed from Youtube.com for being considered "inappropriate"! Inappropriate my ass! If anyone saw the video, they saw lots of vaginas. Since when are vaginas inappropriate? I came out of a vagina, and so did the makers of Youtube.
The video had reached 20,000 views, and then was removed this morning.
Youtube was bought by Google, and now my poor, rising video was crushed. Does Google censor art!? Write to them and ask!
I will find a place for "My Pussy Is Magic" to live - a place where facists can't touch it! Stay tuned.
And if I can't find a place for it, come and see it live in my show, "Jessica Delfino is Sorry To Disturb You" at Rififi / Cinema Classics, 332 E. 11th St. at 10 PM, every Tuesday in November. ($5)
This morning, "My Pussy Is Magic", the new dance hit video by me, Jessica Delfino, was removed from Youtube.com for being considered "inappropriate"! Inappropriate my ass! If anyone saw the video, they saw lots of vaginas. Since when are vaginas inappropriate? I came out of a vagina, and so did the makers of Youtube.
The video had reached 20,000 views, and then was removed this morning.
Youtube was bought by Google, and now my poor, rising video was crushed. Does Google censor art!? Write to them and ask!
I will find a place for "My Pussy Is Magic" to live - a place where facists can't touch it! Stay tuned.
And if I can't find a place for it, come and see it live in my show, "Jessica Delfino is Sorry To Disturb You" at Rififi / Cinema Classics, 332 E. 11th St. at 10 PM, every Tuesday in November. ($5)
Monday, October 9, 2006
Have you ever been to Williamsburg?
Well, I have. I ride my bike there over the Williamsburg Bridge, a bridge that leads directly into Williamsburg - a long, dangerous ride where someone could hold me up on my bike and be like, "Gimme your shit, bitch!" And I have no shit to give. So, then, maybe that special someone would take my tits. And I need those.
Every so often a kid rides up along side me on my bike and yells, "Yo! That's my bike!" But you know what? It's not his bike. I know it's not his bike. Because my dad stole it from a train station in Connecticut (the land where rich people don't lock their bikes) and gave it to me for my birthday.
Tonight, I brave that bridge again and ride like the wind to Williamsburg to perform in a show at 9 PM, which Ilana Manaster is putting together at a little spot called, "ROSE". "ROSE" is at 195 Grand St. near Havemeyer.
I must look a sight(!) or a fright(!) riding my bike across the bridge with a guitar strapped to my back. I probably look like a hump back who plays the guitar.
But I can joke like that, because I think that back humps are funny.
Well, I have. I ride my bike there over the Williamsburg Bridge, a bridge that leads directly into Williamsburg - a long, dangerous ride where someone could hold me up on my bike and be like, "Gimme your shit, bitch!" And I have no shit to give. So, then, maybe that special someone would take my tits. And I need those.
Every so often a kid rides up along side me on my bike and yells, "Yo! That's my bike!" But you know what? It's not his bike. I know it's not his bike. Because my dad stole it from a train station in Connecticut (the land where rich people don't lock their bikes) and gave it to me for my birthday.
Tonight, I brave that bridge again and ride like the wind to Williamsburg to perform in a show at 9 PM, which Ilana Manaster is putting together at a little spot called, "ROSE". "ROSE" is at 195 Grand St. near Havemeyer.
I must look a sight(!) or a fright(!) riding my bike across the bridge with a guitar strapped to my back. I probably look like a hump back who plays the guitar.
But I can joke like that, because I think that back humps are funny.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Shows this Tuesday (tomorrow)
Hey, you've never seen me perform before, have you? Isn't it about time? I mean, Jesus, you live here - I live here. It's almost rude, really. We practically even know eachother or at least have mutual friends. My shows are usually free. I mean, I thought you were well-rounded.
Get this piece of Twilight Zone craziness: BOTH of my shows on Tuesday are at MO PITKINS! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Inner Monologues presents: HEROES & VILLAINS! Upstairs at Mo's
FREE! at 7:30 PM
Radical Vaudeville at 10 PM - UPSTAIRS!
Hey, you've never seen me perform before, have you? Isn't it about time? I mean, Jesus, you live here - I live here. It's almost rude, really. We practically even know eachother or at least have mutual friends. My shows are usually free. I mean, I thought you were well-rounded.
Get this piece of Twilight Zone craziness: BOTH of my shows on Tuesday are at MO PITKINS! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Inner Monologues presents: HEROES & VILLAINS! Upstairs at Mo's
FREE! at 7:30 PM
Radical Vaudeville at 10 PM - UPSTAIRS!
Friday, September 22, 2006
Back In The Stink Capital of The World
Hi There anyone who happens to be reading this collection of thoughts and words from my disassembled mind. It's disassembled because I am just returning from a month long tour / vacation and I almost feel like all is right with my world. Here's a tip to anyone who likes tips: If you live in NYC, leave NYC, often and regularly. The tour with the Trachtenburgs was unbelievably fun and weird, except for the bad parts, of which there were few. Look for a photo diatribe regarding the tour, coming soon to this very blog. I ended it all with a week + relax-a-thon in Los Angeles after my last show, which was at the Troubadour in LA. I even performed in LA at Eddie Peppitone's show, which I had a pretty lousy set at. Sorry about that, Eddie! It wasn't all my fault, and I bet he'd agree. But I should take at least 50 percent of the blame, and god dammit, I will.
Coming up I have a few shows in the next few weeks, mostly at Mo Pitkins. I'm also on their softball team - I should probably get a job there, too, for the love of Jesus and God. If anyone wants to see me hit the ball hard and far just for it to get caught by some dude who by the right of testosterone will always catch my damn ball somewhere over Center left field, the game is at 1 pm in the East River Park. I don't want to brag, but I will - I'm pretty good at soft ball. I was MVP of my team once apon a shit cake.
But the big news of this entry is that I have a solo show coming up. I'm pretty excited about it, because it's the first solo show I've done since my last solo show three years ago called "Subtle; Pussy" which was at UCB. I've come a long way, asshole - now the pussy ain't so damn subtle, is it? Eat it! Stick it in your mouth and eat it! (Not mine, someone's you love.)
Anyway, the details of the show are just below, so save the date, and please tell your friends and also tell any christians or people with kids you hate that it is a children's christian show and that they will just love it!
Hope the people who give a crap about me are doing well, and everyone else can eat some feces.
Love,
Jessica
'Jessica Delfino Is Sorry To Disturb You'
Tuesday Nights In November, at RIFIFI / Cinema Classics
10 PM
332 E. 11th St. (1st / 2nd Aves), NYC
$5
This show is an open "apology" for all of Jessica's dark, sometimes disturbing sense of humor. Described as "A cross between Redd Foxx and Jewel" by The Onion and called, "The Lower East Side's folkie queen of obscene" by The Village Voice, Jessica Delfino's style of comedy has offended, irritated, annoyed, bugged, boggled and even pissed off at least one person of every race, color and creed. So, Jessica decided it's high time she set things right with the world. Showing examples of her offenses, this show will feature her dirtiest ditties, her most vulgar stand-up and her most outrageous short films, as well as some surprises, all of which she will attempt to atone for. (Or not.) Come prepared to get all up in a tizzy.
What the press is saying about JESSICA DELFINO:
"Comedic Discovery of the Month" --Comedy Central
"High Times Unsigned Band of the Week" --High Times
" * * * 1/2 [out of 4]" --Jane Magazine
"Fetchingly filthy. . . . Some of the most nasty, offensive, degrading and genius comedy you'll see all year." --New York Blade
"Best Potty-Mouthed, Guitar-Slinging Comedian" -- Best Of 2005 , The Village Voice
"The Lower East Side's folkie queen of obscene" --The Village Voice
"[She] is a delightful young lady who likes to sing whimsical songs about her vag.
She's sassy!" [7 out of 10 - (That's a lot coming from them. They hate everything.)] -- VICE Magazine
"Let me be absolutely clear about this, without any exaggeration: If you had to pay one live human baby in exchange for a ticket to her show, it would be worth it. More than worth it. . . . The songs are written and performed by Jessica and are hilarious. They're so funny that no word exists to describe them." --The Triangle,
The Student Newspaper at Drexel University, Philadelphia
"We were immediately stuck to our seats stunned and smiling as Jessica Delfino engaged us in tune after tune referencing her, and others, vagina(s)...She is funny. And smart." -- Thurston Moore & Byron Coley, Arthur Magazine
"She's a brilliant writer." --Wil Wheaton, Wil Wheaton dot Net
"Jessica Delfino is a comedian-songwriter who can warble with the earnestness of a folksinger while elucidating the finer points of oral sex. A cross between Redd Foxx and Jewel, Delfino sincerely strums her guitar in time to funny, often dirty lyrics with a well-practiced deadpan." --The Onion A.V. Club
"Hilariously ribald." -- BackStage.com
"Legendary" --The L Magazine
Hi There anyone who happens to be reading this collection of thoughts and words from my disassembled mind. It's disassembled because I am just returning from a month long tour / vacation and I almost feel like all is right with my world. Here's a tip to anyone who likes tips: If you live in NYC, leave NYC, often and regularly. The tour with the Trachtenburgs was unbelievably fun and weird, except for the bad parts, of which there were few. Look for a photo diatribe regarding the tour, coming soon to this very blog. I ended it all with a week + relax-a-thon in Los Angeles after my last show, which was at the Troubadour in LA. I even performed in LA at Eddie Peppitone's show, which I had a pretty lousy set at. Sorry about that, Eddie! It wasn't all my fault, and I bet he'd agree. But I should take at least 50 percent of the blame, and god dammit, I will.
Coming up I have a few shows in the next few weeks, mostly at Mo Pitkins. I'm also on their softball team - I should probably get a job there, too, for the love of Jesus and God. If anyone wants to see me hit the ball hard and far just for it to get caught by some dude who by the right of testosterone will always catch my damn ball somewhere over Center left field, the game is at 1 pm in the East River Park. I don't want to brag, but I will - I'm pretty good at soft ball. I was MVP of my team once apon a shit cake.
But the big news of this entry is that I have a solo show coming up. I'm pretty excited about it, because it's the first solo show I've done since my last solo show three years ago called "Subtle; Pussy" which was at UCB. I've come a long way, asshole - now the pussy ain't so damn subtle, is it? Eat it! Stick it in your mouth and eat it! (Not mine, someone's you love.)
Anyway, the details of the show are just below, so save the date, and please tell your friends and also tell any christians or people with kids you hate that it is a children's christian show and that they will just love it!
Hope the people who give a crap about me are doing well, and everyone else can eat some feces.
Love,
Jessica
'Jessica Delfino Is Sorry To Disturb You'
Tuesday Nights In November, at RIFIFI / Cinema Classics
10 PM
332 E. 11th St. (1st / 2nd Aves), NYC
$5
This show is an open "apology" for all of Jessica's dark, sometimes disturbing sense of humor. Described as "A cross between Redd Foxx and Jewel" by The Onion and called, "The Lower East Side's folkie queen of obscene" by The Village Voice, Jessica Delfino's style of comedy has offended, irritated, annoyed, bugged, boggled and even pissed off at least one person of every race, color and creed. So, Jessica decided it's high time she set things right with the world. Showing examples of her offenses, this show will feature her dirtiest ditties, her most vulgar stand-up and her most outrageous short films, as well as some surprises, all of which she will attempt to atone for. (Or not.) Come prepared to get all up in a tizzy.
What the press is saying about JESSICA DELFINO:
"Comedic Discovery of the Month" --Comedy Central
"High Times Unsigned Band of the Week" --High Times
" * * * 1/2 [out of 4]" --Jane Magazine
"Fetchingly filthy. . . . Some of the most nasty, offensive, degrading and genius comedy you'll see all year." --New York Blade
"Best Potty-Mouthed, Guitar-Slinging Comedian" -- Best Of 2005 , The Village Voice
"The Lower East Side's folkie queen of obscene" --The Village Voice
"[She] is a delightful young lady who likes to sing whimsical songs about her vag.
She's sassy!" [7 out of 10 - (That's a lot coming from them. They hate everything.)] -- VICE Magazine
"Let me be absolutely clear about this, without any exaggeration: If you had to pay one live human baby in exchange for a ticket to her show, it would be worth it. More than worth it. . . . The songs are written and performed by Jessica and are hilarious. They're so funny that no word exists to describe them." --The Triangle,
The Student Newspaper at Drexel University, Philadelphia
"We were immediately stuck to our seats stunned and smiling as Jessica Delfino engaged us in tune after tune referencing her, and others, vagina(s)...She is funny. And smart." -- Thurston Moore & Byron Coley, Arthur Magazine
"She's a brilliant writer." --Wil Wheaton, Wil Wheaton dot Net
"Jessica Delfino is a comedian-songwriter who can warble with the earnestness of a folksinger while elucidating the finer points of oral sex. A cross between Redd Foxx and Jewel, Delfino sincerely strums her guitar in time to funny, often dirty lyrics with a well-practiced deadpan." --The Onion A.V. Club
"Hilariously ribald." -- BackStage.com
"Legendary" --The L Magazine
Tuesday, September 5, 2006
LIFE ON TOUR, continued...
I'm in LA for a week...I'm PERFORMING IN LA at The Fake Gallery on Melrose
8:30 PM - THIS THURSDAY, Sept. 7th on Eddie Peppitone's show...
**************
Life on tour has been a treat!
Watching passing landscape from a tour van seat.
We played in each city and then race the clock
to catch the next show where we'd be sure to rock
I sang songs of crotches, I sang dirty tunies
I sold my dark filth in the cities and boonies
I met some neat people, I told them blue tales
I put love in their spirits and raunch in their sails!
I folked out in Asheville, my favorite show yet
I hit Dallas and Austin and have not one regret
The tour for me ended in Los Angeles
I'm here now relaxing and enjoying some peace
I'm hanging with friends, reuniting with them
I'm resting, recouping and following a whim
I'll be in the hills, over looking this sprawl
taking my time getting back to it all
The Tburgs continue upward with at least one empty seat...
go out and see them, their show is a treat!
I'm in LA for a week...I'm PERFORMING IN LA at The Fake Gallery on Melrose
8:30 PM - THIS THURSDAY, Sept. 7th on Eddie Peppitone's show...
**************
Life on tour has been a treat!
Watching passing landscape from a tour van seat.
We played in each city and then race the clock
to catch the next show where we'd be sure to rock
I sang songs of crotches, I sang dirty tunies
I sold my dark filth in the cities and boonies
I met some neat people, I told them blue tales
I put love in their spirits and raunch in their sails!
I folked out in Asheville, my favorite show yet
I hit Dallas and Austin and have not one regret
The tour for me ended in Los Angeles
I'm here now relaxing and enjoying some peace
I'm hanging with friends, reuniting with them
I'm resting, recouping and following a whim
I'll be in the hills, over looking this sprawl
taking my time getting back to it all
The Tburgs continue upward with at least one empty seat...
go out and see them, their show is a treat!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
LAST NIGHT WITH CORN MO
The tour has been going very great - the crowds have been amazing. It turns out kids love dirty folk songs! I've met some very nice and unique people, such as a freakish clown man traveling on the Barnum & Bailey Circus train (in Dallas), a couple in DC who fly to Atlantic City to gamble...on their "own" plane, Tina's parents (it was like she was immaculately conceived - I had no idea she had family!), a couple in Asheville, NC who are starting a cool tour bus with performances, another family art group, (parents wtih kids who put shows together), Mark from Negativland (!!!), and lots of friendly and generous strangers. I am having trouble getting pictures off my camera, but here is one that a nice couple Josh and Naina from DC sent to me.
The show tonight in Austin, TX was great. Sadly, it was Corn Mo's last night. He flies home tomorrow. The Trachtenburgs and I will continue up the west coast alone until we hit Seattle, then Baby Gramps and Ching Chong Song will join the tour and that is when I shall return home.
Back in NYC mid September. Mark your calendars! Who knows what might happen on that date what with Jessica Delfino back in town?
The tour has been going very great - the crowds have been amazing. It turns out kids love dirty folk songs! I've met some very nice and unique people, such as a freakish clown man traveling on the Barnum & Bailey Circus train (in Dallas), a couple in DC who fly to Atlantic City to gamble...on their "own" plane, Tina's parents (it was like she was immaculately conceived - I had no idea she had family!), a couple in Asheville, NC who are starting a cool tour bus with performances, another family art group, (parents wtih kids who put shows together), Mark from Negativland (!!!), and lots of friendly and generous strangers. I am having trouble getting pictures off my camera, but here is one that a nice couple Josh and Naina from DC sent to me.
The show tonight in Austin, TX was great. Sadly, it was Corn Mo's last night. He flies home tomorrow. The Trachtenburgs and I will continue up the west coast alone until we hit Seattle, then Baby Gramps and Ching Chong Song will join the tour and that is when I shall return home.
Back in NYC mid September. Mark your calendars! Who knows what might happen on that date what with Jessica Delfino back in town?
Monday, August 21, 2006
NOTES FROM THE ROAD (and out of Jessica Delfino's head)
I sit in a Starbucks in Baltimore (low end!) typing this on Corn Mo's laptop. The tour has been really excellent. It started in Philly with Ching Chong Song and Corn Mo. My first show was on Saturday night in Washington, DC, and it was a great show. I maimed the audience, then Corn Mo crippled the audience and Jason and the Tburgs came in to kick around the left overs, and that they did with aplomb, or perhaps many plombs, and not simply "a" plomb. Last night was equally as fun in Baltimore with Trixie Little and Evil Hate Monkey doing some very cool burlesque shit in between acts. Scott and Skizz was another opening act - they played many hits on ukelele and melodica. If you don't know what a melodica is, google that shit. It's pretty neat. It's like a mini recorder/piano blow thingy that makes noise. I think it's half toy, half instrument. But maybe the word, "toy" is a derrogatory name to an instrument or it's blower.
I am never sure if it's boring to read about what is going on during someone's tour or not, but it sure is fun to write it! And it makes me feel closer to the people in NYC who I miss and who miss me, of which I'm willing to bet there are at least a half a dozen of. You know who you are. Don't try to hide or pretend like you don't miss me. God knows. And there's no escaping that dude. He's everywhere.
In other news, I think I kind of screwed up. I had an audition the other day for an ESPN U commercial, a new channel for ESPN. I got it! The guy called and told me he'd let me know how much it paid, though I was told not to expect much money. It was a two day, 24 hour shoot, starting at 7 am Tue and Wed and going til 7 pm. I found out it paid $100 per day! That's McDonald's money! Who works for $12 per hour anymore? Even my two shitty part-time day jobs pay more than that! I make more than that collecting cans out of the garbage...what? I mean, doing what I actually do to make a living. When I found out that ESPN, a company worth many billions of bucks pays such peanuts for what is sure to be a long, exasperating two days of work, I backed out. I think that was a fair reaction. Especially since I am on tour, and my choices are: go on tour and continue to sell $100 per merchandise per show as I've been doing, plus getting paid to perform in every major city in the US to cheers and applause, or go home and shoot a two day commercial for ESPN, of which I also found out, I am only an extra in. Who auditions for extra roles? I've never had to do that before.
So, I think I made the right choice. Who's with me?
I'm actually sadder that I'm going to be missing Mo Pitkin's "Radical Vaudeville" show, featuring the O'Debras and Rosie Rebel as Mo's Ho's, the in-house sketch group. We had some really funny stuff planned. Now they will be doing the show without me, and I'm sad to miss it. So, please go and cheer them on if you ain't not doin' nothin' on Tuesday, August 29th at 10 PM.
Email me and say hi...I miss my friends. And come to see a show and see me and give me a warm hand shake or chocolate milk shake, which ever you prefer, this week if you are near any of these places on any of these dates:
Tues, 8/22 - Carrboro, NC - Cat's Cradle
Wed, 8/23 - Asheville, NC - Grey Eagle
Thurs, 8/24 - Athens, GA - 40 Watt Club
Fri, 8/25 - Atlanta, GA - The Earl
Sat, 8/26 - Little Rock, AR - Sticky Fingerz (that sounds like a comedy club!)
Mon, 8/28 - Dallas, TX - Gypsy Tea Room
Tue, 8/29 - Austin, TX - Cactus Cafe
Thurs, 9/31 - Santa Fe, NM - Brewing Company
Til the next time I'm near a Starbucks, which should be very soon...
PS - I didn't order anything! I swear! I'm just using the free wifi! I don't believe in supporting Starbucks. So take that, Mr. Bucks! Call me a hippy, or call me crazy, or call me whatever you call me. I don't like coffee anyway. It makes your breath smell like cow feet that have been dancing in cow shit. Try goji berries for energy, or try exercising, eating right and getting some sleep! Don't let the gov tell you what to drink! Coffee is everywhere, and it is free and cheap (except at Starbucks, where it's overpriced!) It's everywhere and cheap, because it boosts productivity. Don't let people trick you into working harder by giving you brown water. It's BROWN WATER! Don't be fooled!
Love and brown water,
Ms. Delfino
I sit in a Starbucks in Baltimore (low end!) typing this on Corn Mo's laptop. The tour has been really excellent. It started in Philly with Ching Chong Song and Corn Mo. My first show was on Saturday night in Washington, DC, and it was a great show. I maimed the audience, then Corn Mo crippled the audience and Jason and the Tburgs came in to kick around the left overs, and that they did with aplomb, or perhaps many plombs, and not simply "a" plomb. Last night was equally as fun in Baltimore with Trixie Little and Evil Hate Monkey doing some very cool burlesque shit in between acts. Scott and Skizz was another opening act - they played many hits on ukelele and melodica. If you don't know what a melodica is, google that shit. It's pretty neat. It's like a mini recorder/piano blow thingy that makes noise. I think it's half toy, half instrument. But maybe the word, "toy" is a derrogatory name to an instrument or it's blower.
I am never sure if it's boring to read about what is going on during someone's tour or not, but it sure is fun to write it! And it makes me feel closer to the people in NYC who I miss and who miss me, of which I'm willing to bet there are at least a half a dozen of. You know who you are. Don't try to hide or pretend like you don't miss me. God knows. And there's no escaping that dude. He's everywhere.
In other news, I think I kind of screwed up. I had an audition the other day for an ESPN U commercial, a new channel for ESPN. I got it! The guy called and told me he'd let me know how much it paid, though I was told not to expect much money. It was a two day, 24 hour shoot, starting at 7 am Tue and Wed and going til 7 pm. I found out it paid $100 per day! That's McDonald's money! Who works for $12 per hour anymore? Even my two shitty part-time day jobs pay more than that! I make more than that collecting cans out of the garbage...what? I mean, doing what I actually do to make a living. When I found out that ESPN, a company worth many billions of bucks pays such peanuts for what is sure to be a long, exasperating two days of work, I backed out. I think that was a fair reaction. Especially since I am on tour, and my choices are: go on tour and continue to sell $100 per merchandise per show as I've been doing, plus getting paid to perform in every major city in the US to cheers and applause, or go home and shoot a two day commercial for ESPN, of which I also found out, I am only an extra in. Who auditions for extra roles? I've never had to do that before.
So, I think I made the right choice. Who's with me?
I'm actually sadder that I'm going to be missing Mo Pitkin's "Radical Vaudeville" show, featuring the O'Debras and Rosie Rebel as Mo's Ho's, the in-house sketch group. We had some really funny stuff planned. Now they will be doing the show without me, and I'm sad to miss it. So, please go and cheer them on if you ain't not doin' nothin' on Tuesday, August 29th at 10 PM.
Email me and say hi...I miss my friends. And come to see a show and see me and give me a warm hand shake or chocolate milk shake, which ever you prefer, this week if you are near any of these places on any of these dates:
Tues, 8/22 - Carrboro, NC - Cat's Cradle
Wed, 8/23 - Asheville, NC - Grey Eagle
Thurs, 8/24 - Athens, GA - 40 Watt Club
Fri, 8/25 - Atlanta, GA - The Earl
Sat, 8/26 - Little Rock, AR - Sticky Fingerz (that sounds like a comedy club!)
Mon, 8/28 - Dallas, TX - Gypsy Tea Room
Tue, 8/29 - Austin, TX - Cactus Cafe
Thurs, 9/31 - Santa Fe, NM - Brewing Company
Til the next time I'm near a Starbucks, which should be very soon...
PS - I didn't order anything! I swear! I'm just using the free wifi! I don't believe in supporting Starbucks. So take that, Mr. Bucks! Call me a hippy, or call me crazy, or call me whatever you call me. I don't like coffee anyway. It makes your breath smell like cow feet that have been dancing in cow shit. Try goji berries for energy, or try exercising, eating right and getting some sleep! Don't let the gov tell you what to drink! Coffee is everywhere, and it is free and cheap (except at Starbucks, where it's overpriced!) It's everywhere and cheap, because it boosts productivity. Don't let people trick you into working harder by giving you brown water. It's BROWN WATER! Don't be fooled!
Love and brown water,
Ms. Delfino
Thursday, August 17, 2006
A THREE HOUR TOUR
I mean day. A three day tour. The Trachtenburgs are taking off on a multi-week tour and I am going them! For three days, anyway! We'll be hitting Philadelphia, Washington, DC and Baltimore, MD. So what if I'm only actually performing in Washington, DC? For all intents and purposes, I'M GOING ON TOUR!!!
If you want to see me perform LIVE and you live in the Washington, DC area, get your ass over to IOTA CAFE, 2832 Wilson Blvd., Arlington, VA. So, okay, it's not ACTUALLY Washington, DC, but it's damn close. The show starts at 9 PM, and consists of ME, CORN MO (a guy who reminds people of Meatloaf but plays the accordion and a foot cymbal and rocks the shit out of the world!) and then, of course, THE TRACHTENBURG FAMILY SLIDESHOW PLAYERS!!! (they're a real live family band featuring a dad on piano and keys, 12 year old adorable daughter Rachel on the drums, and mom on the slide projector, projecting vintage slides for all of your asses.
It is mandatory that you attend this show, and it will be the high light of your entire life. That's a promise in writing.
See you there!
I mean day. A three day tour. The Trachtenburgs are taking off on a multi-week tour and I am going them! For three days, anyway! We'll be hitting Philadelphia, Washington, DC and Baltimore, MD. So what if I'm only actually performing in Washington, DC? For all intents and purposes, I'M GOING ON TOUR!!!
If you want to see me perform LIVE and you live in the Washington, DC area, get your ass over to IOTA CAFE, 2832 Wilson Blvd., Arlington, VA. So, okay, it's not ACTUALLY Washington, DC, but it's damn close. The show starts at 9 PM, and consists of ME, CORN MO (a guy who reminds people of Meatloaf but plays the accordion and a foot cymbal and rocks the shit out of the world!) and then, of course, THE TRACHTENBURG FAMILY SLIDESHOW PLAYERS!!! (they're a real live family band featuring a dad on piano and keys, 12 year old adorable daughter Rachel on the drums, and mom on the slide projector, projecting vintage slides for all of your asses.
It is mandatory that you attend this show, and it will be the high light of your entire life. That's a promise in writing.
See you there!
Monday, July 31, 2006
COME TO THIS SHOW - or else!!
Will I be singing:
a) Joni Mitchell's "Carey"
b) Jermaine Jackson's "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off (To Have A Good Time, Oh, No)"
c) Heart's "Magic Man"
d) Neil Young's "Old Man"
e) All of The Above
???
You'll just have to come and find out, but any way you dice, puree or liquefy it, it's gonna be tasty.
Will I be singing:
a) Joni Mitchell's "Carey"
b) Jermaine Jackson's "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off (To Have A Good Time, Oh, No)"
c) Heart's "Magic Man"
d) Neil Young's "Old Man"
e) All of The Above
???
You'll just have to come and find out, but any way you dice, puree or liquefy it, it's gonna be tasty.
Friday, July 28, 2006
I'VE GOT A SHOW TONIGHT
SEXYTIME
Comedy with your hosts Brandy Crawford and Heather Fink
Friday July 28 at 11pm at
Mo Pitkin's new downstairs stage http://mopitkins.com/
34 Ave A near 3rd Street (East Village)
Free
Featuring:
Craig Baldo
http://www.craigbaldo.com/
As seen on Premium Blend, Late Night on Conan, Last Comic Standing
Seth Herzog, AKA the Zog
Host of the Lower East Side comedy staple "Sweet", Best Week Ever, The
Baxter, and most recently The Chappelle Show's lost episodes
Jessica Delfino
http://www.jessydelfino.blogspot.com/
Comedian and Dirty Folk Singer, bringin it!
and Pornstar Ben Andrews, Lucas Entertainment exclusive and biggest
cock in porn!!! He's such a sweety too ...
www.myspace.com/lebenandrews
It's f'ing Sexytime- only the most best special time that there is!!!
Featuring cute outfits n shit ... oh yeah, and we're bringin the "blue
material". Hardcore.
SEXYTIME
Comedy with your hosts Brandy Crawford and Heather Fink
Friday July 28 at 11pm at
Mo Pitkin's new downstairs stage http://mopitkins.com/
34 Ave A near 3rd Street (East Village)
Free
Featuring:
Craig Baldo
http://www.craigbaldo.com/
As seen on Premium Blend, Late Night on Conan, Last Comic Standing
Seth Herzog, AKA the Zog
Host of the Lower East Side comedy staple "Sweet", Best Week Ever, The
Baxter, and most recently The Chappelle Show's lost episodes
Jessica Delfino
http://www.jessydelfino.blogspot.com/
Comedian and Dirty Folk Singer, bringin it!
and Pornstar Ben Andrews, Lucas Entertainment exclusive and biggest
cock in porn!!! He's such a sweety too ...
www.myspace.com/lebenandrews
It's f'ing Sexytime- only the most best special time that there is!!!
Featuring cute outfits n shit ... oh yeah, and we're bringin the "blue
material". Hardcore.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Gay? N'Sync? YOU DON'T SAY...
I love when gay guys come out who you so knew were gay, like, since the day they were born (Their bulging forehead veins matched the shade of their swollen belly buttons). Here's a shocker!
NEW YORK (AP) -- Lance Bass, band member of 'N Sync, says he's gay and in a "very stable" relationship with a reality show star.
Bass, who formed 'N Sync with Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Joey Fatone and Chris Kirkpatrick, tells People magazine that he didn't earlier disclose his sexuality because he didn't want to affect the group's popularity.
"I knew that I was in this popular band and I had four other guys' careers in my hand, and I knew that if I ever acted on it or even said (that I was gay), it would overpower everything," he tells the magazine.
'N Sync is known for a string of hits including "Bye Bye Bye" and "It's Gonna Be Me." The band went on hiatus in 2002. Bass has also found headlines for undertaking astronaut training and failing to raise money for a trip into space.
Bass says he wondered if his coming out could prompt "the end of 'N Sync." He explains, "So I had that weight on me of like, 'Wow, if I ever let anyone know, it's bad.' So I just never did."
The singer says he's in a "very stable" relationship with 32-year-old actor Reichen Lehmkuhl, winner of season four of CBS' "Amazing Race."
Bass and Fatone, 29, are developing a sitcom pilot inspired by the screwball comedy "The Odd Couple," in which his character will be gay.
"The thing is, I'm not ashamed -- that's the one thing I want to say," Bass says. "I don't think it's wrong, I'm not devastated going through this. I'm more liberated and happy than I've been my whole life. I'm just happy."
And by gay, he means happy AND also gay
I love when gay guys come out who you so knew were gay, like, since the day they were born (Their bulging forehead veins matched the shade of their swollen belly buttons). Here's a shocker!
NEW YORK (AP) -- Lance Bass, band member of 'N Sync, says he's gay and in a "very stable" relationship with a reality show star.
Bass, who formed 'N Sync with Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Joey Fatone and Chris Kirkpatrick, tells People magazine that he didn't earlier disclose his sexuality because he didn't want to affect the group's popularity.
"I knew that I was in this popular band and I had four other guys' careers in my hand, and I knew that if I ever acted on it or even said (that I was gay), it would overpower everything," he tells the magazine.
'N Sync is known for a string of hits including "Bye Bye Bye" and "It's Gonna Be Me." The band went on hiatus in 2002. Bass has also found headlines for undertaking astronaut training and failing to raise money for a trip into space.
Bass says he wondered if his coming out could prompt "the end of 'N Sync." He explains, "So I had that weight on me of like, 'Wow, if I ever let anyone know, it's bad.' So I just never did."
The singer says he's in a "very stable" relationship with 32-year-old actor Reichen Lehmkuhl, winner of season four of CBS' "Amazing Race."
Bass and Fatone, 29, are developing a sitcom pilot inspired by the screwball comedy "The Odd Couple," in which his character will be gay.
"The thing is, I'm not ashamed -- that's the one thing I want to say," Bass says. "I don't think it's wrong, I'm not devastated going through this. I'm more liberated and happy than I've been my whole life. I'm just happy."
And by gay, he means happy AND also gay
Sunday, July 23, 2006
I Went To Canada, & All I Got Was Everything I Wanted & More
I'd like to start off by stating the obvious: I'm apparently very easy to please, as "everything & more" mostly just means a place to sleep and some dough.
As an unconventional person, I rarely do things conventionally, nor do opportunities or experiences present themselves to me in a "normal" manner. I sent a film to the Montreal "Just For Laughs" festival a few months ago and forgot about it. A few weeks ago, JFL contacted me and told me my film had been accepted into the Comedia film portion of the festival, and I was invited to come with full accreditation, (which is the fancy way of saying "you get a badge") and even perform some live songs at the showing of the film, if I liked. A badge is important, because it's the major difference between being an invited guest of the festival (totally respectable and even admirable) and a curious comedian who's "just there to hang out out" (so not cool).
Can I see your badge?
Unlike many festival comedians, I was not being flown in on a fancy jet plane, costs covered, or being put up by the festival in the regal Hotel Delta, comedy ground zero if you will, where all industry and talent converge in a vortex of hope, desire and disappointment, laden with excessive amounts of alcohol. No, I did it Delfino-style: I took the drive up to Burlington with my friends who happened to be going there anyway, and then hitch-hiked from Burlington to Montreal.
Hitch-hiking is something I've done since I hit my adventurous/dangerous teens. In Maine, where I grew up, as well as surrounding Vermont, New Hampshire and Canada, hitch-hiking isn't such a scary activity as it is in NYC, land of the psycho killer. As a matter of fact, in these hilly states and provinces where people's typically old beater cars tend to break down a lot and jobs aren't exactly springing up like the psychadelic mushrooms do in the plentiful cow plops that surround the terrain,
hitch-hiking is quite common. So, when I go home, if I don't have a ride and only have a short distance to go, that is my preferred way to get around. It's cheap, it's fun, and there is never a lack of interesting characters behind the wheel. Normal, boring people simply don't pick up hitch-hikers.
I was picked up by an elderly fellow in Burlington who took me to a small town about 20 miles north. He worked at a solar energy plant and would have been a hippy if it were 1962, but he'd grown up and all that shit. He insisted of taking a photo of me with all my gear and my sign.
Heels are the best hitch-hiking shoes
Next, I was picked up by Bruce, a dirty but kind gentleman who drove a drafty, tiny red sedan. Upon opening the back door to put my guitar in, I noticed a twelve pack of beer that was a few short. My kind of fellow. I hopped in and ignored his lecherous leers, chatting him up in my cheeriest voice, being sure to mention I was carrying a lethal knife, which I mostly used for arts and crafts, in the most delightful cadence I could muster. After a little while, he stopped giving me the creeps and started telling me about his past DWI, his two failed marriages, his two kids, and his future plans of a career in truck driving. He offered to drive me right up to the border, though he knew his DWI would prohibit him from entering Canada. I thanked him for the ride, but mostly for not raping me, as he dropped me off at the last exit before customs. He offered me $10 for the road before I jumped out of the car. The poorest, most downtrodden folks are, in my experience, always the most generous.
The next ride took awhile to land, as I was surrounded by trees and strange birds, but not much traffic. I went right out to the highway, though it is illegal to hitch-hike on the highway. I held up my sign and hoped for a VW Bus. After about 45 minutes, I saw a VW bus. And it stopped. Inside was a terrific gentleman named Sylvester who worked for the CBC, which is Canada's PBS. He was getting ready to take a trip to Antarctica to film a documentary. He was a handsome, old school super cool ex-hippy-like man, but he was way too sophisticated to be a hippy. He spoke to me in fluent english with a sexy french accent, and though he was surely in his 50s, I would have let him be my new boyfriend.
Handsome older hottie
We hit it off immediately, and chatted light-heartedly all the way to Montreal. We stopped only once, and that was when we got searched at the Canadian border because he told the border police he'd picked me up hitch-hiking. I was surprised he told them, but he said it's better to be honest about everything so you don't get caught lying, because then they get pissed. By the time he dropped me off, we'd exchanged information and made a plan to meet again someday.
I've arrived
I arrived in Montreal on Saturday afternoon around 3 PM. The plan was, I would stay at a friend of Nick Fox-Gieg's, the guy who did the animation half of the short film I was going to represent. Her name was Freida. I took the Metro to her apartment to meet her in the "Myland" section of Montreal. She was not home when I got there, and didn't come back for two hours. I sat on the park bench across the street, and waited until it started to rain. I left a note on her door where I'd be - at an amazing divey Mexican joint that made their own tortillas - the fat yummy ones that look like pancakes. I had a huge feast of beans, rice, salsa, salad and tortillas for $7. She came in and met me with her long purple dreds and friendly face. She was an artist. I took a breath of relief, as artists are generally superb people.
She'd just moved into a cool apartment, and not much was really unpacked or set up. She cleared a space in her painting studio, and I pitched my sleeping bag on the floor. I took a nap and then took the Metro into Montreal to my first show. The Metro is not air conditioned in Canada, as A/C is reserved for the rich! While I waited for my show to begin, I walked over to Club Soda for The Nasty Show, which sounded like my cup of tea. Of course it was. My friend Jay Oakerson was performing, along with one of my favorite filthy-mouthed assholes, Patrice O'Neal. I watched the show, which was terrific, and later accidentally met up with Patrice and Jay as they ate at a nearby restaurant. I told them my story of hitch-hiking and staying on Freida's floor. We talked for awhile and then I went back to my show. A little while later, Jay came over to my show and told me he had a double room - two huge beds in his hotel room - paid for by the festival - at Hotel Delta! He invited me to go and stay with him for the week, starting that night. I went back to the art studio, but in the morning, I went to investigate. I showed up at the hotel, and it was magnificent. It was like the scene in "The Wizard Of Oz" where Judy Garland goes from black and white into color. There was a pool, free internet, JFL welcome tables set up, goodie bags for performers, transport vans to take performers where they needed to go, comedians and familiar faces walking around, rich people everywhere, radio stations broadcasting live - it was a happening environment. Transport generously drove me to Freida's to pick up all my stuff. Freida seemed bummed that I jetted out so quickly, and I felt a little bad, but the offer was too good to pass up.
Once at the hotel, life was divine. Every day was pretty much the same. I swam and went in the hot tub and sauna every day. I sucked up more A/C than 50 rich people. I hung out with comedian pals Mike Britt, Jay Oakerson, Patrice ONeil (who is such a bad ass faker - though he pretends to be a cock, he is the one who told Jay to go get me and let me stay in his room!), Reggie Watts, Steve Byrne (who hosted the show I was in), Pete Dominick, Jordan Carlos and a bunch of others over the course of the trip. I'd walk around the city, go to my shows in the evening, go to parties that the festival set up, go see great comedy shows (I saw Demitri Martin's "These Are Jokes", Ray Romano's documentary "95 Miles To Go", The Nasty Show and many others, all free with my festival pass), meet and talk with industry people, chat with natives, practice my shoddy french, and enjoy how pleasant and nice Montreal and it's people were. They were too nice to be actual human beings. I have a theory that they are aliens.
In bed with Reggie Watts (that should be the name of his TV show)
Jay left on Thursday morning, and my last 2 shows were on Thursday night. I was wondering where I'd sleep after my shows. I called concierge and they told me that Jay's hotel room was paid for through Sunday. I considered just staying there alone, but feared the festival might get really pissed if they found out I did that. So, I just gathered all my things together, performed at my last two shows on Thursday night, went back to the hotel, did an interview with XM through a new comedy pal Laura Nikiforchuk and took off for Bus Central. I hopped on an 11:45 pm bus and was in NYC just in time for a massive, apocalyptic lightning storm.
Montreal is an amazing city. It's like mini-New York but without much of the bullshit. There are only about 3 million people there, so people are nice because they aren't cramped, and have room to walk without getting elbowed or stabbed in the head by some oblivious asshole's umbrella. They are 95% bi-lingual, english and french. All the signs are in french by a law that says the french sign has to be as big or bigger than the english sign. It's easy to get around, many people ride bikes. I had some great shows. The first was small, but they just kept getting bigger and better. I sold CDs, signed autographs, met lots of other filmmakers and talented weirdos, and just had a terrific time.
Montreal is way so super dope
Here's the icing on the cake: I didn't get paid for travel or board by JFL. I found out a lot of people actually don't get paid or put up. But yesterday, they called and said that they decided to pay me after all. They ended up paying me more for performing in five shows than many people make working a 40 hour work week.
So, this has been a story all about my trip to Montreal's Just For Laughs Festival.
Thank you for reading this long-ass diatribe. Stay tuned for other lengthy stories that are probably more interesting in my brain then they are on paper.
Special thank yous are owed to Andre for his kindness and Carolyn for being one of the coolest, friendliest people I met while I was there, Jay Oakerson, Mike Britt and Patrice O'Neil for looking out for a girl, and the Hotel Delta for all the free shampoo. I'd also like to thank my peeps, Lopi, Christopher and Norbert for the ride from NYC north in the mini-van, one of my favorite vehicles in which to travel.
I'd like to start off by stating the obvious: I'm apparently very easy to please, as "everything & more" mostly just means a place to sleep and some dough.
As an unconventional person, I rarely do things conventionally, nor do opportunities or experiences present themselves to me in a "normal" manner. I sent a film to the Montreal "Just For Laughs" festival a few months ago and forgot about it. A few weeks ago, JFL contacted me and told me my film had been accepted into the Comedia film portion of the festival, and I was invited to come with full accreditation, (which is the fancy way of saying "you get a badge") and even perform some live songs at the showing of the film, if I liked. A badge is important, because it's the major difference between being an invited guest of the festival (totally respectable and even admirable) and a curious comedian who's "just there to hang out out" (so not cool).
Can I see your badge?
Unlike many festival comedians, I was not being flown in on a fancy jet plane, costs covered, or being put up by the festival in the regal Hotel Delta, comedy ground zero if you will, where all industry and talent converge in a vortex of hope, desire and disappointment, laden with excessive amounts of alcohol. No, I did it Delfino-style: I took the drive up to Burlington with my friends who happened to be going there anyway, and then hitch-hiked from Burlington to Montreal.
Hitch-hiking is something I've done since I hit my adventurous/dangerous teens. In Maine, where I grew up, as well as surrounding Vermont, New Hampshire and Canada, hitch-hiking isn't such a scary activity as it is in NYC, land of the psycho killer. As a matter of fact, in these hilly states and provinces where people's typically old beater cars tend to break down a lot and jobs aren't exactly springing up like the psychadelic mushrooms do in the plentiful cow plops that surround the terrain,
hitch-hiking is quite common. So, when I go home, if I don't have a ride and only have a short distance to go, that is my preferred way to get around. It's cheap, it's fun, and there is never a lack of interesting characters behind the wheel. Normal, boring people simply don't pick up hitch-hikers.
I was picked up by an elderly fellow in Burlington who took me to a small town about 20 miles north. He worked at a solar energy plant and would have been a hippy if it were 1962, but he'd grown up and all that shit. He insisted of taking a photo of me with all my gear and my sign.
Heels are the best hitch-hiking shoes
Next, I was picked up by Bruce, a dirty but kind gentleman who drove a drafty, tiny red sedan. Upon opening the back door to put my guitar in, I noticed a twelve pack of beer that was a few short. My kind of fellow. I hopped in and ignored his lecherous leers, chatting him up in my cheeriest voice, being sure to mention I was carrying a lethal knife, which I mostly used for arts and crafts, in the most delightful cadence I could muster. After a little while, he stopped giving me the creeps and started telling me about his past DWI, his two failed marriages, his two kids, and his future plans of a career in truck driving. He offered to drive me right up to the border, though he knew his DWI would prohibit him from entering Canada. I thanked him for the ride, but mostly for not raping me, as he dropped me off at the last exit before customs. He offered me $10 for the road before I jumped out of the car. The poorest, most downtrodden folks are, in my experience, always the most generous.
The next ride took awhile to land, as I was surrounded by trees and strange birds, but not much traffic. I went right out to the highway, though it is illegal to hitch-hike on the highway. I held up my sign and hoped for a VW Bus. After about 45 minutes, I saw a VW bus. And it stopped. Inside was a terrific gentleman named Sylvester who worked for the CBC, which is Canada's PBS. He was getting ready to take a trip to Antarctica to film a documentary. He was a handsome, old school super cool ex-hippy-like man, but he was way too sophisticated to be a hippy. He spoke to me in fluent english with a sexy french accent, and though he was surely in his 50s, I would have let him be my new boyfriend.
Handsome older hottie
We hit it off immediately, and chatted light-heartedly all the way to Montreal. We stopped only once, and that was when we got searched at the Canadian border because he told the border police he'd picked me up hitch-hiking. I was surprised he told them, but he said it's better to be honest about everything so you don't get caught lying, because then they get pissed. By the time he dropped me off, we'd exchanged information and made a plan to meet again someday.
I've arrived
I arrived in Montreal on Saturday afternoon around 3 PM. The plan was, I would stay at a friend of Nick Fox-Gieg's, the guy who did the animation half of the short film I was going to represent. Her name was Freida. I took the Metro to her apartment to meet her in the "Myland" section of Montreal. She was not home when I got there, and didn't come back for two hours. I sat on the park bench across the street, and waited until it started to rain. I left a note on her door where I'd be - at an amazing divey Mexican joint that made their own tortillas - the fat yummy ones that look like pancakes. I had a huge feast of beans, rice, salsa, salad and tortillas for $7. She came in and met me with her long purple dreds and friendly face. She was an artist. I took a breath of relief, as artists are generally superb people.
She'd just moved into a cool apartment, and not much was really unpacked or set up. She cleared a space in her painting studio, and I pitched my sleeping bag on the floor. I took a nap and then took the Metro into Montreal to my first show. The Metro is not air conditioned in Canada, as A/C is reserved for the rich! While I waited for my show to begin, I walked over to Club Soda for The Nasty Show, which sounded like my cup of tea. Of course it was. My friend Jay Oakerson was performing, along with one of my favorite filthy-mouthed assholes, Patrice O'Neal. I watched the show, which was terrific, and later accidentally met up with Patrice and Jay as they ate at a nearby restaurant. I told them my story of hitch-hiking and staying on Freida's floor. We talked for awhile and then I went back to my show. A little while later, Jay came over to my show and told me he had a double room - two huge beds in his hotel room - paid for by the festival - at Hotel Delta! He invited me to go and stay with him for the week, starting that night. I went back to the art studio, but in the morning, I went to investigate. I showed up at the hotel, and it was magnificent. It was like the scene in "The Wizard Of Oz" where Judy Garland goes from black and white into color. There was a pool, free internet, JFL welcome tables set up, goodie bags for performers, transport vans to take performers where they needed to go, comedians and familiar faces walking around, rich people everywhere, radio stations broadcasting live - it was a happening environment. Transport generously drove me to Freida's to pick up all my stuff. Freida seemed bummed that I jetted out so quickly, and I felt a little bad, but the offer was too good to pass up.
Once at the hotel, life was divine. Every day was pretty much the same. I swam and went in the hot tub and sauna every day. I sucked up more A/C than 50 rich people. I hung out with comedian pals Mike Britt, Jay Oakerson, Patrice ONeil (who is such a bad ass faker - though he pretends to be a cock, he is the one who told Jay to go get me and let me stay in his room!), Reggie Watts, Steve Byrne (who hosted the show I was in), Pete Dominick, Jordan Carlos and a bunch of others over the course of the trip. I'd walk around the city, go to my shows in the evening, go to parties that the festival set up, go see great comedy shows (I saw Demitri Martin's "These Are Jokes", Ray Romano's documentary "95 Miles To Go", The Nasty Show and many others, all free with my festival pass), meet and talk with industry people, chat with natives, practice my shoddy french, and enjoy how pleasant and nice Montreal and it's people were. They were too nice to be actual human beings. I have a theory that they are aliens.
In bed with Reggie Watts (that should be the name of his TV show)
Jay left on Thursday morning, and my last 2 shows were on Thursday night. I was wondering where I'd sleep after my shows. I called concierge and they told me that Jay's hotel room was paid for through Sunday. I considered just staying there alone, but feared the festival might get really pissed if they found out I did that. So, I just gathered all my things together, performed at my last two shows on Thursday night, went back to the hotel, did an interview with XM through a new comedy pal Laura Nikiforchuk and took off for Bus Central. I hopped on an 11:45 pm bus and was in NYC just in time for a massive, apocalyptic lightning storm.
Montreal is an amazing city. It's like mini-New York but without much of the bullshit. There are only about 3 million people there, so people are nice because they aren't cramped, and have room to walk without getting elbowed or stabbed in the head by some oblivious asshole's umbrella. They are 95% bi-lingual, english and french. All the signs are in french by a law that says the french sign has to be as big or bigger than the english sign. It's easy to get around, many people ride bikes. I had some great shows. The first was small, but they just kept getting bigger and better. I sold CDs, signed autographs, met lots of other filmmakers and talented weirdos, and just had a terrific time.
Montreal is way so super dope
Here's the icing on the cake: I didn't get paid for travel or board by JFL. I found out a lot of people actually don't get paid or put up. But yesterday, they called and said that they decided to pay me after all. They ended up paying me more for performing in five shows than many people make working a 40 hour work week.
So, this has been a story all about my trip to Montreal's Just For Laughs Festival.
Thank you for reading this long-ass diatribe. Stay tuned for other lengthy stories that are probably more interesting in my brain then they are on paper.
Special thank yous are owed to Andre for his kindness and Carolyn for being one of the coolest, friendliest people I met while I was there, Jay Oakerson, Mike Britt and Patrice O'Neil for looking out for a girl, and the Hotel Delta for all the free shampoo. I'd also like to thank my peeps, Lopi, Christopher and Norbert for the ride from NYC north in the mini-van, one of my favorite vehicles in which to travel.
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